When a storm comes into our life, it is unpredictable and unexpected. Our natural reaction is to fight it. But a storm demands something from us. It demands that we make changes, learn, grow and make progress that we wouldn’t ordinarily do. We no longer have the luxury of staying on our original, known course. 

Sometimes we need a disruption in our pattern. As creatures of habit, we tend to stay in our same patterns and routines. Even if they no longer serve us, we are apt to continue doing them because they are known to us. They are safe.

For me, when a storm would come into my life, I would fight it. I didn’t like what was happening and I wanted it to stop. I wanted things to go back to how they had been. But as I started to look back at pivotal points in my life, I realized that my greatest growth happened after the storm. It forced me out of my comfort zone and insisted that I make change. It required me to level up. And I did.

But I will tell you, some of these storms felt catastrophic to me. And they were. I remember waking up some mornings and my first thought being that my current storm was really just a nightmare – it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. (Talk about denial!) But it was very real. And necessary for my journey.

So, what if we start looking at storms as having a purpose? What if they might even be our ally? What if they are here to create an environment for us to make the necessary changes and decisions we need to make?

Instead of asking about why this is happening to us, maybe we need to ask a better question. Maybe what we should really be asking is, what can I learn from this? What is the Universe trying to tell me?

Look back at your greatest times of growth. What events led up to it? What storms came to clear your path?

There have been countless times that I have laid in bed at night, stressing over so many things. Mostly over things I cannot even control. Some of them were big things, like a serious existential crisis. But many of them were small things, that in the grand scheme of things, really didn’t matter.

Then one day I saw a quote that was a question. Now this question is literally my litmus test as to whether or not the stress even gets to enter my mind. The question is: 

Is this going to matter a year from now?

If it will, then I allow it to rent out some space in my head. But the funny thing is, by filtering out all the small things that used to live in my head rent free and cluttering up my sanity, I find that I can actually handle those big things much easier. I can actually be effective at working through the stress and anxiety and devising a game plan that focuses on what I can control in the situation.

And I’ve honestly found that handling it this way creates peace inside me. What is in your life that is costing you your peace? Is it going to matter a year from now?

There have literally been many days that I have repeated this quote to myself. When I would allow destructive, unhealthy behaviors in my relationships or when I would stay in a toxic work environment (the quote not my circus, not my monkeys works for that one, too! Maybe I will write about that one next week!). The truth is, sometimes we stay in the circus because we feel uncertain about what else to do. In a romantic relationship we may need to end it because we’ve outgrown someone else’s unhealthy behaviors or treatment. And honestly, big changes like that can just be downright scary.

We have the power to determine what kind of treatment we accept in our relationships. The truth is that what we allow to happen in our relationships, will continue to happen. The real question is, if we have outgrown our current circus, why do we keep going back to it?

There can be many reasons why and I certainly don’t judge anyone for staying in a relationship they have outgrown. Many times, there are children involved or financial issues. And it isn’t an easy decision to make at all. There have been many circuses I have outgrown in my life, but I kept showing up, front and center – until it became completely unbearable. Unbearable as in, it is less scary to leave, be alone or worry about finances than to stay in this mess.

But here’s the thing, we aren’t meant to live “root bound”. Root bound is when plants outgrow their container and their roots grow in circles around the container, because it has nowhere else to go. The roots start to look like a woven fabric around the edges of the soil. The plant also stops growing because it needs more space to flourish. When this happens, we don’t just leave the plant in the pot and expect it to grow. We move it to a large pot so it can realize its full potential. I wrote a post about this here.

We are meant to grow and evolve. We are meant to realize our full potential. Because when we chase all the wrong things, we don’t give the right things a chance to catch us.

Take an honest look at our relationships and work environments. Are there places you have outgrown? If so, do you want to make a change? If you do, what can you start doing today to get yourself to a better place?

The will to succeed is created when you understand and internalize why you want to make a change. Your why is your fuel and motivation. You need this fuel because willpower will only get you so far. And there will be days that you don’t feel motivated. So how will you keep going when you don’t feel like going anymore?

Discipline.

Jocko Willink (yes, another Jocko plug this week, because he’s just so good) talks about it here:

Reaching your goal isn’t a linear process. You are going to have days when you mess up – and that’s okay. Just get back up, dust yourself off and keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And when you feel like giving up, remember all the reasons why you started.

Actions speak louder than words. People can say all the right things, but at the end of the day, how they choose to treat someone else through their actions says it all. I am a big believer in observing people and what they do, rather than what they say – or what they say they are going to do. I like to look for patterns of consistency with what they say and how they act.

Hopefully you have relationships where how people say they feel about you is consistent with how they treat you. But many of us struggle with this in our relationships.

I touched on the beliefs I used to have about myself in a previous post. I’ve listed them again below:

• I give people the benefit of the doubt too much or too many second chances.
• I worry about offending my partner if I stand up for myself.
• I have a hard time recognizing when I am being disrespected. Sometimes it takes someone else pointing it out to me.
• When someone hurts me, instead of setting a boundary with them, I feel like I need to prove my worthiness and why they should value me more.
• When someone hurts me, I need them validate me and my feelings by admitting that they were wrong or disrespectful.
• I don’t even know what respect feels like in a relationship.
• I feel guilty when setting boundaries and worry that I am being unfair. Sometimes I even convince myself that by setting the boundary, I am overreacting.
• I would rather put up with shitty treatment than be alone.   

It’s important for us to examine the beliefs we hold about ourselves and what we deserve. If you hold any of these beliefs above, start challenging them. If a friend believed these things about himself/herself, what you say to them? I’m sure you would tell them that they are worthy of being treated with love and respect…And you do, too.

Take a look at your close relationships…Do you find that those people are consistent in their actions with how they say they feel about you?

What to do when people’s actions don’t align with their words

I have struggled with dealing with family members and friends who say one thing and do another. In another post, I shared a strategy I think is helpful.

What I have found is that when people lash out at us, it is not a reflection of our worth. Instead we should choose to see it as a manifestation of their own internal issues. That’s so hard. I know. Maybe they are dealing with stress, insecurity, or personal challenges. That might cause them to project negativity onto others.

Just to be clear, that doesn’t mean their behavior is okay. It’s not. But we choose both how we see it and how we respond. Sending them off with peace spares us the stress of conflict. At the same time, we remove the weight of their negativity from our life. We cannot soar if we carry the weight of those who treat us poorly.

Seeing that how they treat you is how they feel about you

There are several ways to spot the incongruity between words and deeds. I have learned through trial and error to trust my instincts. That sense when something feels off is a good indicator. Maybe you notice that someone has a hard time making eye contact. One of the things my husband did for many years was over explain. That was a huge red flag that he didn’t mean the things he said.

Oftentimes we will want to react in the heat of the moment. And that’s understandable. But ask yourself first, does this help me get what I want from this relationship. Too many times I have found myself chasing intermittent rewards from others, who just don’t feel what they are saying.

As a result, I try not to take such treatment personally, as challenging as that may be. Instead, I strive to be compassionate. By recognizing that this behavior is not about me I have found it easier to respond with understanding. Try it. I think you will find that you’ll be able to maintain your own well-being but also offers the possibility of providing a sense of solace to those who may be suffering.

Video on how they treat you is how they feel about you

Concluding thoughts

So what can we learn? First, let’s try to approach such situations with empathy. This should help us stay detached from negativity. That way, we can maintain our composure and help others in their journey towards healing.

What I love about this is that it is such a powerful lesson in emotional intelligence. When we look respond to negativity with grace and peace, we bless ourselves and others. How many times have you seen this in action? A kind word truly does turn away anger.

Likewise, the way others interact with us tells us more about their own internal landscape. It has no bearing on our worth or character. Spending some time to consider that will help us in the moment. We can accept poor treatment means nothing to us. It’s all about someone else’s feelings and self-perception. And that is a crucial step in maintaining our emotional health and self-esteem.

And finally, remember that we cannot control how others feel or act. We do control our response to their behavior. So do what you can to respond with empathy and maintain our boundaries. By doing so, we empower ourselves to navigate relationships with grace and self-respect.

Caring with other people think of us is very human. It’s kind of a protective perimeter that allows us to be mindful as to not being hurtful towards others and behaving appropriately in situations. But where we tend to get off track is when we take other people’s opinions of us too seriously. When we allow their thoughts about who we should be to overshadow our own sense of who we are, we are looking for external validation or approval. Relying on external validation can become vicious cycle that completely distorts not only how we see ourselves, but how we value ourselves.    

Silence the sound of other people telling you who you should be – especially people who don’t even know who they are.

Here are some things to remember about your purpose and what other people think:

• What people think of you is none of your business.
• What’s “right” for someone else, might not be right for you.
• Remember that advisors are not the payers.
• No one knows what is best for you but you.
• Be mindful about social media. Social media can enhance our need for approval from others.
• Not caring what other people think will be the best choice you will ever make.
• The greatest prisons we live in are the prison of what other people think.
• Don’t listen to society. They tell you to be yourself, but then they judge you for it.
• You are enough as you are. Trust your purpose and who you are.

I love being the person that others feel comfortable going to for advice or help. Seeing others happy, makes me happy. And I am a peacemaker. I am the girl version of Michael Bluth (Arrested Development reference) in my family. But in all seriousness, I recognize that focusing too much on other people’s happiness can be problematic for me because I will over give, without even realizing it.

When we focus too much of our time on other people’s happiness, their priorities and meeting their needs, we fall short of doing those things for ourselves. And as the saying goes, one cannot serve from an empty vessel. 

The problem with being the person who keeps everyone happy is that because we are such amazing givers, we have a really hard time with allowing others to give to us. When people ask us how we are doing, we always respond that we are great, even if we aren’t. When we are feeling overwhelmed or anxious, we stuff it down and smile so we aren’t an inconvenience to others. We worry that asking for anything makes us a burden. And we end up going through things alone, when we really don’t have to. It’s just what we know and where we feel comfortable – even though it sucks.

It is okay to not be okay all of the time. And you deserve to be supported. You don’t have to go it alone.

There are two things we need to do to free us from feelings of loneliness.

1.) We need to care for ourselves the way we care for others. We can still make others happy, but we also need to focus our energy and efforts on the things that make us feel happy, too. We need to prioritize meeting our own needs.

2.) Take the chance and lean on someone else. Just do it, even if it is with something small. I have found that when I can honestly say what is really on my mind when asked how I am doing; the support is there. I often fear that it won’t be, but it is there. And just after saying it out loud to someone else, I feel a little better. Many times, I leave the conversation feeling less alone because that person can relate to how I am feeling.

Your turn…Are you keeping everyone else happy? Are you happy? Do you feel like you’re going through this all alone?