Some day we are all going to die. We don’t know when or how. Some of us fear this loss and the finality of it all, yet we forget to live while we are alive. When we think about what will really make us feel alive or feel joy, we put off actually doing those things. We think about it in terms of “someday”.

It goes something like this:

• Someday I am going to leave this crappy job and start my business.
• Someday I am going to go on the ultimate road trip.
• Someday I am going to get my shit together and leave this relationship that’s killing me inside.
• Someday I am going to quit my addiction.
• Someday I am finally going to write that novel.

The list is endless. We need to remind ourselves that “someday” is a disease that will take our dreams to the grave with us.

We are all here for a reason. There is something inside you that only you can bring to this world. All these things we categorize into “someday” are the things we should really be doing. Everyday. They are our passions and purpose.  

If you found out today that you only had one year to live, what would you do? How would you live like you were dying? Would you take the chance like you have nothing to lose?

How we take care of ourselves sets the unconscious standard of how other people will see us and treat us. If you’re like me, sometimes you really struggle with putting yourself first, or making time for self-care. I often will want to get a bunch of things done before I make the time to do something for myself. And the reality is, I never get to the bottom of the list where that special line item of self-care resides. Yet I always think I will get to it.

It is so important to make the time to do the things you enjoy and nourish your soul. You aren’t being selfish by doing so. In fact, by treating yourself well, you are building a better version of yourself who will show up in a better way for the people in your life.

I started Self-Care Sunday to keep myself on point. I know that I am apt to fall into the trap of spending too much time on work, getting bogged down by doing endless chores around the house or just not making the time to take care of myself. So I figured it would be a good way for me to hold myself accountable, and to hopefully inspire you to find the things that will nourish your soul, too. Maybe you can rediscover some the things that recharge you by seeing some of the things I’m doing. Because believe me, I know what it’s like for self-care to be a completely foreign idea.

Small things can be great self-care. To name a few for me: creative writing, astrophotography, having a luxurious bath, building a pillow fort and playing video games, watching 80s movies and making little pizzas with English muffins (don’t judge it until you try it!), making ice cream cone s’mores, playing Monopoly on your phone and over Skype with your family, catching up with a friend or cooking a cheat meal.

It’s also simple things like eating well, hydrating and getting physical exercise every day. It’s taking time to wind down at the end of the day and get your head in order. Or meditating in the morning.

These might seem like minor things, and perhaps insignificant. But by prioritizing these things, you are putting yourself in the best mental health space. And because of that, you become a better partner, sibling, child, friend and coworker.

But…you also send the message to other people in your life that you view yourself and your time as a priority. If you neglect yourself, you are showing others, intentionally or unintentionally, that you feel your wellness doesn’t matter. And you matter.

How can you start treating yourself better? What steps can you take today to make time for the things that recharge you?   

Hardships and failures are our best teachers. We grow stronger by facing and overcoming them. The natural human response to pain is to run away from it. But some things we can’t hide from, and we inevitably have to deal with them, and it can feel unbearable. At some point we will all endure heartache and pain that will threaten to destroy us, but we will overcome these moments of darkness and desperation. And that experience of getting through it will make us stronger.

Some of us have suffered tragedy after tragedy. I have listened to stories of what people have faced and overcome and have wondered how one person can go through so much, over a short period of time and be okay. It is inspiring to me and proof that we are indeed stronger in the places we have been broken.

In Japan, when a piece of pottery breaks, it is repaired by the Japanese art form of kintsugi. A craftsman repairs the broken piece using a combination of lacquer and a powdered form of a precious metal, such as gold or platinum. Rather than trying to hide where the piece was broken, it is repaired this way to note part of the object’s history. The philosophy behind this is that where the object was broken is merely an event, it doesn’t define the object.

Resistance to pain, to being ‘broken’ is a normal human response. When we allow our fear of bad things happening to take over our minds, we allow our fear to blow up and become more irrational and bigger than it really is. Unchecked fear is a liar and doesn’t allow us to accurately assess situations.

Think about it when it comes to any kind of relationship. If we are so afraid to be broken, then we won’t be vulnerable. If we aren’t vulnerable, how do we ever really connect to someone else and experience true friendship or love? The bottom line is that you can’t know connection and love if you don’t make yourself vulnerable to being disappointed or hurt.

Don’t shy away from taking risks in your life because you are afraid of failure or getting hurt. If things don’t turn out the way you had hoped, realize that what is happening is an opportunity for growth. It may feel like a huge deal right now, but in the big picture, they are smaller events.

Once you have gone through a rough time and survived it, you gain mastery of how to deal with situations like that in the future. It helps prepare you and makes you stronger for having overcome it.

Where have you become stronger in the places you’ve been broken?

For the toxic person, gaslighting is their number one tool for gaining control over their victim. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser uses psychological manipulation to alter another person’s sense of reality. Basically, when you confront them about anything they don’t like, they will attempt to convince you that the facts of a situation or even your own feelings about it are not true. Their goal is to make you doubt your own reality and experience by invaliding you and deflecting any kind of accountability or responsibility for themselves or their role in a situation.

In a Psychology Today article, Robin Stearn, Ph.D., gives us a great list of signs that we are being gaslit:

• You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
• You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
• You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
• You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
• You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
• You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person — more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
• You feel hopeless and joyless.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
• You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/ friend/daughter.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

Gaslighting is literally crazymaking in a relationship. It’s a psychological assault that is meant to break you down. Earlier this year, I wrote extensively about crazymaking and gaslighting tactics, and how you can navigate the dangerous waters of it when dealing with an emotional abuser.  You can read it in full here.  

When I was on my own journey of healing from being gaslight and dealing with crazymaking, I found Lisa A. Romano, a life coach who specializes in healing from codependency and narcissistic abuse. For me, watching her videos helped me restore my sanity – and provided some serious validation that I wasn’t crazy. Below is a video where she talks all about what gaslighting and crazymaking is:

Often times we focus our energy on things that have already happened. Or we are busy focusing on things that are in our future that we are worried or excited about. The funny thing is, when we focus on the past and future, we are robbing ourselves of the present. And, we tend to put things off into the future constantly. We designate some of our biggest dreams or even just small things that bring us joy for the magical land of “someday” where it never actually happens.

But what about right now? What are you doing to make the most out of right now?

It can be a hard question to answer, because we don’t often think about what we can do in the present. Many of us wait until conditions are “perfect” or “ideal” to do awesome things. Or we wait for special occasions. But I will tell you, being alive is a special occasion.

What are some things you can do now to connect with others and experience joy? Here are a few ideas:

• Work on a writing a book you’ve always wanted to write.
• Call a friend and catch up on things.
• Surprise your partner with a date night “just because”.
• Go stargazing and do some astrophotography.
• Too hot outside to camp but you really want to do it? Set up a tent in your living room with fairy lights. Make some s’mores, too!
• Cook a recipe you’ve been dying to try.
• Go to a new restaurant and try a new cuisine.
• Call or visit your parents.
• Take a Masterclass in a subject you’ve always been interested in.
• Chat up that cute guy or girl you’ve seen around town.
• Read a book you’ve wanted to read but have put off.
• Catch a sunrise or sunset.
• Make a pillow fort and play video games.
• Tell someone you love how much they mean to you.
• Try out that recipe or DIY project you pinned on Pinterest ages ago.
• Create your own trick shots in your home or yard Dude Perfect style.

The possibilities of what you can do right here and right now to add joy to your life is endless. These are just my suggestions…What would be on your list?

Sometimes we forget how far we have come, and we get stuck on something or someone who we have moved on from. Whether we are feeling guilt, sadness, anger or hurt, somehow what we have already overcome latches on to our present state of being.

Earlier this year I talked about how important healing is because if we don’t heal what hurt us, we will bleed on people who didn’t cut us. Sometimes we are so afraid of something bad happening again, we treat our new partner with distrust, or we will even wound others to try to heal ourselves. And it becomes a vicious cycle.

What we have to remember is that the things that have happened to us are not who we are. They are just experiences. And those experiences have the ability to shape who we are – for good or for bad.

Remember, by choosing to heal and move forward doesn’t mean that the damage never happened. It just means that the you are no longer allowing the damage to control your life.

Our comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. We stay in our safe space because it is known, it is certain. And as much as we may want something, just wanting it isn’t enough. We have to want it more than we fear failing or fear the unknown of what will happen once we leave the warm blanket in our comfort zone.

Fear can run amok when we are overwhelmed, and we don’t have a plan. Many times, we haven’t even defined what we want specifically. So how can we better position ourselves to overcome our fears when trying to make a change?

Tony Robbins created a workbook for his Rapid Planning Method, which is linked here which you can print out. This method is more of a system of thinking that helps you define what you want, internalize your why (why you want it) and come up with a specific plan that helps you take massive action towards your goal.

When you have multiple plans that you have strategically thought through to get to your goal, it becomes less intimidating and scary. Knowing that if the first few plans don’t work, that’s okay because you’ve got many more strategies. And you aren’t going to quit because you want it more than anything.   

Do you want it more than you fear it?