When you truly begin to believe in what you bring to the table in any relationship, you will tolerate less of the bullshit. When you know your worth and what you deserve, you will find it harder to stay around those who don’t. And when you close the door to what was before, you put yourself out there to attract what you deserve and all these new, amazing doors will open for you.

My question is, do you really know what you deserve? We often accept the love we think we deserve and many times, our idea of what that is, is actually not accurate. We tend to settle or stick with what is comfortable for us, even if it’s suboptimal. Or even if it makes us sad. We tend to stay at jobs we hate because it’s predictable and pays the rent. We lose sight of what we deserve one compromise at a time.

I started this post with the idea that I would list some ways how you can identify what you want and deserve in your relationships and career. But I found myself coming back to one thing. And that is simply this idea: When you focus your time, effort and energy into becoming the best version of yourself, everything else will follow. And it will be there in abundance.

When you to treat yourself with love and respect you have already set the bar for how others should treat you. And the right people will love that about you and gravitate towards you. When you know that you bring value to the table at work, you will start reaching for more, because you know you’ve earned your place in a better role.

It really comes down to how you treat yourself and what you expect from yourself. When you raise that bar, people take notice and know what you have to offer. And they want to be part of that.

Do you know what you deserve in your relationships? What about your career?

When someone violates our trust, it can be devastating. If it is from someone close to you, like your partner, it can make you question everything they’ve ever said and done. If it is from a parent who was supposed to protect you, it can create a lasting trauma that will take time to heal from.

Whether you have uncovered an addiction, infidelity or anything that violates your trust for someone, the betrayal trauma is real. Kristin Snowden, a LMFT and Certified Life Coach talks extensively about betrayal trauma on her YouTube channel. Below is a great place to start for understanding what betrayal trauma is and how you can start healing from it.

I believe if there has been a betrayal, and both people want their relationship to work, in most cases, a relationship can be saved. But that really comes down to whether or not the two people really want it to work and if they can move beyond the betrayal. They also have to have some kind of “system” in place to guard the relationship from further trauma.

Regardless of how people choose to proceed after betrayal in a relationship, it is important that if you have been betrayed, you take ownership of your own healing. And that can look different for everyone.

What does owning and being responsible for your own healing look like? It might be individual therapy, building a good support system, prioritizing your self-care, working through feelings you have and honestly assessing what you really want and need, individually and in a relationship. It might be honestly looking at yourself and being honest about what you may have missed or where you may have played a role in a situation where there was betrayal.

Obviously, in the case of infidelity, someone deciding to turn outward in any relationship is wrong – and nothing justifies it, I want to be really clear about that. But what happened leading up to it? Often times couples have affairs because they are not connecting at home. What may have caused that? Was one person working constantly? Was one partner unplugged from the relationship and constantly critical of the other?

You see, when you take ownership of yourself, your healing and any role you may have played in the betrayal, allows you to regain control of your life and move forward – with or without your partner. It allows you to clarify what you want and what you are willing to accept in a relationship. And it allows you to address any areas where you may have contributed to the situation, within yourself.

Sometimes in the relationships that are the most meaningful to us, we can start to forget our worth. This can happen by us putting others before ourselves too much and by other people taking advantage of us to further their own agenda. Often times other people are oblivious to what they are doing, and sometimes, well, they can be quite calculating.

As the sayings go, we teach people how to treat us and what we allow will continue. As a person who tends to over give, I have had to learn the hard way how to not only hold onto myself in my relationships, but to recognize when I need to remind myself of my worth and stand up for myself.

Here are some things to remember when you feel like you’ve lost sight of your self-worth:

• You are not your mistakes. They are what you did, not who you are.
• You determine what kind of treatment you allow in your relationships.
• It is healthy and necessary to set boundaries when you don’t like a situation or how someone is treating you.
• Practicing self-care is not selfish. It’s you being responsible for yourself. Get good sleep, hydrate well, eat a healthy diet, exercise and find effective ways to relieve stress.
• Keep the commitments you make to yourself. When we break commitments that we make to ourselves, we are telling ourselves that we don’t matter.
• Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Remember, reminding yourself of your value and doing things for you doesn’t make you a selfish or bad person. It is you being responsible for yourself and showing up for yourself. It’s what you need to do to feel good about yourself. And when you do this, a funny thing happens. You not only show up for yourself more, but you are able to show up for others in a more meaningful way, too.

Your turn…Do you know your worth?

As a person who likes to help others, this is something I repeat to myself often. I hate to see those I care about struggle and am always thinking of ways to be helpful. But sometimes I have to ask myself if solving the problem is really my place. Is this my responsibility? Does helping this person deny them the ability to gain mastery of their life?

For me, being too helpful can become unhealthy and completely ineffective. When people we care about are in pain, it is natural to want to help them. Finding a healthy balance of being able to show love by being helpful, but not overdoing it is essential to creating boundaries for healthy relationships.

Here are some things to remember when we have the urge to become the ringmaster in someone else’s circus:

• There is a difference between taking on someone else’s responsibility and being a supportive friend.
• When you want to swoop in and “fix” their problem, it can feel like you don’t think they are capable of handling their own challenges.
• Think about how you would feel if you were in their shoes and someone tried to fix everything that was going wrong in your life.
• If you absolutely feel the need to fix something, focus on yourself. You are the only one you can control anyways.

And for people in situations where you are faced with watching a loved one go through abuse or addiction; I really feel you. It can be heartbreaking and all you want to do is help them be okay. Remind yourself that as well intended you are, they have to want to improve their situation and only they can take the steps to do so. You can be supportive, but they have to do the work.

Two things people overlook in these situations is how impactful being a good example can be and how effective it can be to plant seeds that things can be different for them. Lead by example. And no matter what they choose to do, you will be in a better place mentally to help them if they ask for it.

In Lord of the Rings, Gandalf tells Frodo, “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” Our time on this Earth is limited and tomorrow is promised to no one. Who we are is determined by what we choose to do with the time and the cards we’ve been dealt.

We are what we do, not what we say we will do. What are you doing with what you have? Are you doing the things you really want to do?

If you are like me, that answer is resounding no most of the time. I fall into the trap of focusing on things I want to “clear” off my plate, that are typically meaningless things, like chores. The problem for me is I get so focused on the details and making those things “perfect” that I end up too exhausted to focus on the things that matter. You know, the things that actually will matter a year from now…not an organizational system for the pantry or a perfectly clean house.

Here’s how to stop wasting time and start focusing on the things that actually matter:

1.) Be clear about the things you really value. Come up with your top five things that are most important to you. Think of them as blueprint for how you can start taking action in your life that supports what you value. As humans, we tend to place value on too many things. We need to break it down, and categorize what’s the most important, followed by moderately important, followed by least important.

2.) Honestly assess your commitments. How well do your non-essential commitments align with your top five important things? If they support one or more of your top five, great. If not, really think about how much time you are giving to it and whether or not you want to keep doing it.

3.) How are you spending your time? Are you spending your time on things that really don’t matter? Maybe you are spending too much time on social media or watching Westworld. Maybe you are westworlding your days away on the same mundane things that have become ineffective habits. Honestly look at how much time you are spending on things and see if they align with what is most important to you. Obviously, there are going to be things you need to do to take care of yourself and keep the trains running on time at home. But if spending hours on social media doesn’t fit your action items for what’s really important to you, then maybe you start reallocating some of that time.

4.) Commit to taking one massive action (even if it is something small) every day that gets you closer to you what you want. It is our consistent, daily habits that end up defining our focus. Start doing something today that will matter a year from now. Maybe you want to be a writer but don’t know where to begin. Instead of waiting for the inspiration to sit down and write, commit to carving out some time every day to write something. It can be anything. Make the time – even if it’s just 20 minutes.

Almost three years ago next month, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at a relatively young age. I found out through a mammogram, which had led to an ultrasound and biopsy. My husband and I had a vacation that we had planned well in advance that had us leaving the day after the biopsy. When we left the next day, I really believed that the biopsy would come back negative and that they did the biopsy out of an abundance of caution. But a few days later, I got the call that my biopsy had come back positive for invasive ductal carcinoma. I was devastated and didn’t even know what to say to the lady who called to tell me. I even found myself ruminating for hours after I hung up the phone, thinking that maybe it was possible that the office had accidentally mixed up the results and that I was really okay.

When we returned home, we had a good three to four weeks of complete chaos and uncertainty. Thankfully, over those weeks I learned that the cancer was likely caught early enough and that I would be okay. I went through surgery and treatment and I am finally getting back to my ‘normal’ self.

But one thing that really stuck with me during that time was how it was only when I faced uncertainty about how long I had to live, that I wondered why I was saving so many things in my life for a special occasion. I mean, I had been saving things for special occasions all my life. And most of the time I would forget about these things or they would go bad. I had saved perfumes, creams, hair products, clothing and decorative soaps.

At the time, I had a cute wicker basket in the our master bathroom of soap rocks which are mineral shaped soaps that just smell magnificent. They’re pretty and just make me smile. I had been saving them for a while, waiting for the perfect time to use them.

Shortly after the diagnosis, I had this urgency inside me. I started to panic about not having enough time to do the things I wanted to do, visit the places I wanted to visit and have the adventures I wanted to have with my husband. I worried about not being here for friends and family. I wondered if I would still be able to do work as an investigator or if my health condition would make that impossible. I was flooded with uncertainty about the future. And then….

All of a sudden, being alive was my special occasion.

Cancer sucks, there’s no getting around it. But one of the biggest blessings I have received from this path I never wanted to be on was the unshakeable internalization that our time on this planet is truly limited. We just don’t know when our journey here ends. And it is up to us to make the best of every moment, every relationship and yes, even our cute little things we save for special occasions, right here and right now.

What have you been saving for a special occasion?