Sometimes in our relationships, we can have a hard time recognizing mistreatment because it can be subtle. How many times have you looked back on a relationship and seen the red flags clearly, yet when it was actually happening you didn’t see it?

It can be easy for us to confuse intensity with intimacy. Let’s take a look at the difference between the two:

Intensity

Intensity in a relationship is marked by major highs and lows. These are much higher and lower than the natural ups and downs a healthy couple will experience in their relationship. There is a high level of uncertainty, but opportunity for higher reward or loss. These relationships can be fueled by unnecessary drama. One or both partners will place the other high on a pedestal and when anything goes wrong, the other is quickly thrown off the pedestal and they plummet into despair. When the couple reconciles, it’s like they experience a euphoria because things are “good” again. But what they are actually creating here are trauma bonds and a vicious cycle. It is based on dysfunction, not love.

If you experience extreme highs and lows in your relationship, you are likely experiencing intensity where one or both partners have a challenge of connecting with their partner in a real, intimate way.  You can also tell if a relationship has intensity by how quickly the relationship progresses. There might be a fast progression to it where both partners are hyper focused on each other to the point where they aren’t spending time with other people anymore or they have abandoned hobbies that used to bring them joy.  

Intimacy

Intimacy, on the other hand, is a relationship that takes time to evolve. This is where a true bond can be formed based on mutual trust and respect. Both partners are secure enough with themselves and the relationship to not demand that the other spend all their time with them. They encourage and support each other to be the best versions of themselves and expect the same in return. They don’t find other relationships or interests that the other has as threatening. This kind of relationship is marked by kindness and respect. There are normal highs and lows, but they aren’t extreme. Each partner is also able to be vulnerable, as one cannot experience real intimacy if they avoid vulnerability.

Many people confuse “being in love” with intensity. And while there is that initial sense of obsession in the beginning of a relationship, it is tempered by both partners still holding onto to themselves and their own interests and other relationships.

In relationships ruled by intensity, you will often find behaviors that appear on the Power and Control Wheel commonplace. Let’s take a look at the wheel:

Alternatively, in a healthy, intimate relationship, these are the behaviors that will be the norm:

You can also see in the relationship spectrum that there are many components of healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships. And many behaviors in relationships can overlap in two or three categories. But this is a good guide to use to check in and see where things might be going off-track.

Take a look at your close relationships…What wheel do you and your partner’s behaviors fall? What can you both start doing today to build a healthy, intimate connection?  

I have a few people in my life who I know I can count on to be honest with me and offer criticism when it is needed. I truly value the criticism when it is there, because it is constructive, and it only serves to help me become better at whatever it is I am doing. These are the people who I also know I can trust to tell me when I am making a mistake or who will tell me the truth, even when I don’t want to hear it. I have come to value these things, because I know there are times I have blind spots. Or I am so focused on one thing and I am missing other things that are important to me. I know if one of these people says something to me, I should hear them out. Because chances are, they have a good point.

Now there is a huge difference between constructive criticism and criticism. Constructive criticism aims to help the person receiving it ways to improve. It is focused on that one specific thing, and not an overall assessment of who they are. It’s not a judgment about another person’s personal attributes or abilities. It’s an objective statement about the specific issue or facts. And it is typically about a behavior or objective fact, not a personality trait.

I used to belong to a creative writing group where we critiqued each other’s work. I had started writing a story that I thought was really good. I was super proud of it and thought it was a good story. When one of the other member’s offered me some honest critique and feedback and it wasn’t very complimentary, it kind of stung. But then I thought about what he had said and realized that he was right. And I was so grateful for him giving me his honest opinion and offering ideas on how I could improve. Ultimately, that constructive criticism made me a better writer and made my story more compelling.  

Are you accepting of constructive criticism? Are you willing to give people constructive criticism?

It’s easier for people to take what they don’t like about themselves and find the same weaknesses or flaws in another person and be vocal about it. It temporarily relieves the uncomfortable feelings they have about themselves.

For example, Mary cheated on her history exam. She discovers that John did, too, and she criticizes John for doing the same thing. Mary is taking her own feelings about her own actions and focusing her energy on being critical of John for the same action. Yes, it’s hypocritical. But behind that hypocrisy, is insecurity about how she feels about herself cheating on the exam.

How do we stop this ineffective thought process?

Instead of focusing your feelings on what others are doing, focus on how you are feeling about yourself. Are you proud of the things you are doing? Would you do them around people who you want to respect you? Focus on what works for you in your life and less on what other people do. When someone does something and your first reaction is to criticize what they did, ask yourself the real reason why it bothers you. Is it because you do the same thing and feel bad about it?

Everyone has done things at some point in their lives that they are not proud of. It’s part of human growth and learning who you are. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing. You just need to be worried about what you’re doing and whether or not you are consistently make progress to become the best version of yourself.

In a previous post I talked about the entire process of becoming. From a seed in its natural form, evolving in the dirt, in darkness, where no one can see what’s happening. Yet underneath the surface, the seed is transforming into something the world has yet to see. For people who don’t understand growth, it would look like the world is ending, yet it is really just beginning.

It is in our darkest periods that we discover who really are and what we are made of.  The truth is, when you’ve been in the darkness long enough, you truly begin to see. All of a sudden, you have this clarity and understanding of what really matters. And it takes going through hardship to reach that next level of consciousness that is needed for your next chapter.

How do you want to radiate into the world? What will it take for you to get where you are today to get to where you want to be tomorrow?

When you decide to act on seeking revenge on someone, you inevitably end up poisoning your own mind because you are so fixated on harming someone who has harmed you. Once that seed takes root in your mind and you choose to take action, you go down a path that you can’t come back from.

Movie and television plots are laden with the theme of revenge…and we can’t stop watching them. It’s what drives the story and allows us to connect to the characters. The impulse to right the wrong that happened resonates with us. The idea of exacting sweet revenge on someone who has done us wrong is a natural human response backed up by science. MRI scans have shown that thinking about revenge activates the reward center in our brains and releases dopamine. But does carrying it out really benefit us?

Well, let’s take a look at what revenge really is. It’s justice, right? It’s resetting the balance of things in the universe. It’s giving someone what they deserve for hurting you or trying to destroy you or someone you love. When I think of The Punisher on season two of Daredevil on Netflix, I can’t help but think he is completely justified in his actions. Revenge is human feeling we can all relate to. We align ourselves with the person seeking it and hopes he or she gets it.

But setting down the road of revenge is also ego driven and based the need to control the outcome of the person or people who harmed us. It is not trusting that the universe is unfolding as it should, be it fair or not. It’s not trusting that what goes around comes around. The idea of trusting that they will ‘get theirs’ isn’t good enough.

Whether it’s justified or not, seeking revenge corrupts who we are. It infects the mind and focuses on resetting and re-balancing our universe by looking to do so externally. Even if you plot and scheme day and night to destroy a person, it may not even work. In our efforts to re-balance the universe by getting justice, revenge becomes a vicious cycle of retaliation. You can’t fix what happened to you by breaking someone else.

As cliché as it is, the best revenge you will ever get in life is living your life the best way you can. Instead of focusing on external things to make you feel better, focus on what you can control. Pour all that energy you have for destroying someone else into creating the life that you want for yourself.

The truth is, the people who have wronged you don’t deserve such a prominent place in your heart. Don’t allow them to run your emotions. Focus on achieving your goals, cultivating healthy relationships and experiencing life on your terms. Your time here is precious and you are a perishable item. Don’t give things that don’t deserve a place in your heart or mind the chance to take root.

in·tu·i·tion – the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Our gut or intuition is our immediate understanding of something. We can’t really explain why we understand something a certain way, we just do. It is an inescapable, strong feeling of what we know in our heart is right – even if it doesn’t seem to make sense logically or there is evidence to the contrary.

I am a strong believer in trusting my gut instinct. I place a lot of faith in my ability to just know what the right path for me is. But, like everything, our intuitions aren’t foolproof. And there are some things that can interfere with what our intuition is telling us.

These four culprits below can really cause us to stray from the path we know in our heart we should be on. Here’s what to look for and how you can gain clarity during those times:

1.)  Overthinking. Paralysis by analysis is indeed a real thing! When you find yourself overthinking things, determine what purpose the overthinking is serving. Often times, when we go over things again and again, what we are really doing is rationalizing or justifying something. Keep in mind that doing this often leads you away from your intuition.

2.) Getting caught up with the “shoulds”. I should do X, I shouldn’t do Y, etc. These beliefs of what we should or shouldn’t do can shackle us. Yes, it is important to be introspective and think about actions you are about to take. But when we become focused too much on “shoulds” it can cloud our ability to see what our intuition is telling us.

3.) External validation. When we worry too much about how others see us or what they will think of our choices, what our intuition is telling us can become unclear. We can lose sight of it because we’re so focused on how people will see us. 

4.) Confirmation bias. We tend to seek out information that confirms our own world view. Be careful with this one! If you have a set of beliefs that supports the idea that you can’t do something, when your gut tells you to take the chance, your brain may try to convince you that you aren’t capable or that you don’t have what it takes to succeed.

The harsh truth is, many times the odds aren’t going to be in your favor. But you never know when the tide will turn, and when the odds turn back your favor. This happens all the time. There are so many variables in life, and the only way we really have a shot at anything is to keep trying.

If your heart is telling you to follow your dreams or take a chance at something, listen to it. No matter what your chances are. In the show, The Amazing Race, even when it seems like your team is going to be last, you keep racing. Because you never really know where you are in the race because other teams have setbacks, too. Giving up because you don’t think you have good odds of making it to the next leg, can cost you the whole race.