Steve Jobs was famous for saying, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” To be successful in anything, you have to have some talent, but more so, persistence – a persistence that is fueled by a touch of madness.

Let’s take a look at a few people who met failure after failure, yet trusted their own madness and created success:

• Thomas Edison – He was told by his teachers that he was ‘too stupid to learn anything’. He went on to hold more than 1,000 patents, including the phonograph and practical electric lamp.

• Steven Spielberg – He was rejected twice by University of Southern California’s School of Cinematic Arts. He went on to win five Academy Awards.

• Albert Einstein – He didn’t speak until age four and couldn’t read until age seven. He was considered to be mentally handicapped. He not only changed the way we perceive physics; he won a Nobel Prize.

• Stephen King – His first book, Carrie, was rejected by publishers 30 times. Frustrated, he threw the manuscript into the trash. His wife retrieved it, asking him to try one more time. He did and it was his first book deal.

• Sylvester Stallone – He was rejected by talent scouts over 1,500 times. When he was writing Rocky, he was so broke he had to sell his dog to keep the electricity on.

•  Oprah – She was told she was unfit for television and fired from her first job.

• Katy Perry – Her first album sold a mere 200 copies before the record label went out of business. After that she was dropped by two record labels. Ten years later she released I Kissed a Girl, and her career took off.

• Michael Jordan – He was cut from his high school basketball team for lack of talent.

• Howard Schultz – When developing Starbucks, he was turned down by banks 242 times.

• Walt Disney – His idea for a theme park was trashed 302 times.

These are people who helped create our world as we know it today. They are the ones who never gave up because they trusted their madness, their vision.

When you feel like giving up, keep going. You will never know what you’ll miss if you don’t. 

Oscar Wilde said, “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Being free of consequences and hiding in the cloak of anonymity, people tend to show their true colors because they have nothing to lose. And this can go both ways. People can be cruel, and people can also be altruistic.

This got me thinking about two things. One, we spend a lot of time behind ‘digital masks’, like our phones and computers. How easy it to leave a mean comment on YouTube or Instagram? Some of the things people say are so cruel and it baffles me that people actually take precious time out of their day to watch content they are just going to criticize anyway. Obviously, people who are hurting, hurt other people. But would they say some of the things they say online to someone’s face? Probably not most of the time.  Yet that cruelty brews in their heart.

Second, this got me thinking about integrity. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching. It’s being sincere, truthful, fair and honest, even when it doesn’t benefit us. It’s standing up and telling the truth no matter how hard it is. This is much harder to do because most of the time, we aren’t hiding behind a mask. It’s choosing courage over comfort and choosing to do what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And it’s getting up every day and intentionally practicing our values rather than just professing them.

Throughout most of my life, I have felt proud of my integrity. But when I look at this definition of it, I realize how much of it I have lacked. I have chosen to not tell people the truth because I’ve worried about hurting their feelings or offending them. But the reality is, I want the people in my life to know that they can count on me to tell the unpleasant truth because I love them. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s what I want to do.

So how do you do it? You have to be mindful of when you are avoiding being honest and stand up and be honest anyway. Then sit with the discomfort of having done that. It’s scary, but I promise you, it gets easier every time.

I’ve noticed two things happen in my life since making this change. One, I feel more at peace and I don’t have as many regrets thinking I should have said this or that. Two, when I’ve been brutally honest with others, it has actually been welcomed and they were grateful that I was willing to speak the truth when no one else was.

So, who are you behind the mask? Do you live with integrity and truth? Are there people in your life who need you to step up and tell the truth, even if it’s unpleasant?

When we find ourselves going the extra mile for people who wouldn’t do the same for us consistently, we have lost sight of our value. I’ve seen this play out through the years not only in my own relationships, but in many others, too.

I think at its root, the reasons vary as to why some of us are willing to go over and beyond for others when they don’t do the same for us. For me, it was a way I showed someone love and I felt like I had to be flexible, “reasonable” (my definition of reasonable at that time was far from what is actually reasonable), fair and amenable. I actually felt guilty if I didn’t give someone what they wanted or if I didn’t feel comfortable letting someone close to me borrow money. Instead of saying no, I would sort out in my head how I could “make it work”.

But the truth is, I wasn’t like this because I was just “too nice”. I not only lacked healthy boundaries, I lacked a true sense of self and did not value myself, time or money. And I operated this way in my closest relationships.

Now sometimes you do give more in a relationship, and in a healthy relationship it happens on both sides. There is a natural ebb and flow, and it isn’t one sided.

Because this tends to happen to us in our closest relationships, let’s look at the foundation of what a healthy relationship looks like. This is my list and I go into depth on each one here.

1.) You can be happy and whole on your own.

2.) There is trust on both sides.

3.) Each person is authentic, and they love and respect who each other is at their core.

4.) You both know how to effectively communicate.

5.) Each person takes personal accountability and responsibility for their own feelings, actions and thoughts.

6.) You treat each other with respect.

7.) You both welcome boundaries and aren’t offended by each other setting them.

8.) Each partner makes the relationship a priority and actively puts forth effort.

9.) You both know how to resolve conflict.

10.) Both show gratitude and appreciation for each other.

Numbers 7 and 8 are crucial. When you set personal boundaries, the people in your life should be okay with it. There shouldn’t be any anger or drama. Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. If someone reacts this way, they do not respect you.

In a healthy relationship, each person makes the other a priority and puts forth effort. And sometimes your partner is going to be super busy and you’re going to have to pick up the slack there and many put forth more effort. But your partner is also willing to do the same for you and shows that on a consistent basis.

What we need to remember is that if we don’t see our own self-worth, we will always choose people who don’t see it, either. I always say this – we teach people how to treat us.

Make sure you are valuing yourself, time, money and the things that make you happy. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Know yourself and what are dealbreakers for you. And remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn’t matter, like your feelings are worthless or like your soul is replaceable.  

And if you find yourself struggling with how to remain empathetic and loving in your relationships, while creating boundaries for yourself, you are definitely not alone. I wrote a list of questions I ask myself to help formulate boundaries that you can check out here.

When we spend too much time talking with people who agree with us, we create an echo chamber for our own beliefs. And this fuels confirmation bias.

One of my favorite memories as a teenager was having philosophical debates with my grandmother. She was a teenager during the depression and boy did we have different views on some things! It’s funny though, because as an adult I align more with her outlook and philosophy on life. And even now as an adult, I love chatting with people who have different opinions than me. My husband and I regularly have long philosophical debates on things we don’t agree on.

I find that one of two things happen when I talk with people I disagree with:

1.) I become more confident in my own position.

Or

2.) My beliefs are challenged, and I learn something new. That fuels a whole new curiosity for me, and I want to learn more, and I see things from a new perspective.

What is worrisome is our current political climate because it feels like we are becoming less tolerant of other people’s views. And I get that there are a lot of issues happening today that are very emotionally fueled for all of us. I feel passionate about a lot of things that are happening, too.

So how can we be productive when chatting with someone who we don’t agree with, especially when they are a close friend or family member?

Here are some tips to help you communicate more effectively with those close to you who have differing opinions than yours.

1.) Go into the conversation truly appreciating the value of diversity and an open mind. Develop a sense of curiosity when speaking with others, not judgment. Know that people are entitled to their own opinions and feelings on things and that they are just as valuable as yours, even when you don’t agree on something.

2.)  Be respectful when voicing your own opinion and keep your focus on the actual issue not on things that are personal. Avoid making generalizations about people, their intent and avoid personal insults – they are completely unnecessary.

3.) Keep your sense of humor and if you really don’t agree on any point in the issue, you can at least find one common ground that you share. If you are having trouble finding common ground that you share, you can at least agree that you are both very passionate about the issue.

4.) Validate the other person’s view and focus on the things you do come together on. Have mutual respect for each other’s views and agree to disagree when necessary.

Shortly after I was diagnosed with cancer, I became fixated on the fear of dying. And those fears make sense when you first get a diagnosis like that. It’s scary and there are so many unknowns. There were so many tests to be done that might give me an inkling to my fate. And believe me, I was like Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out every variable and what could happen. After reading medical journals and case studies, the patient was now a doctor!

I had always been a super laid back, fun person who all of sudden, had lingering thoughts late at night, lying in bed, worrying about dying. I really think that this is normal response to news of a life-threatening illness. But reflecting back on it, I find it kind of silly because, well, we are all dying. No one knows when their time on this planet is up.

Like Gandalf in Lord of the Rings says, “all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” When we look at it that way, we are focused more on living and what we can do with our time here. The way I see it just over two years from my initial diagnosis is, how can I really start to live and make the most of the time I have here?

In a recent post, I ask the question, “if not now, when”? Isn’t now as good of a time as any to take action towards living the life we want to live? It is never too late to get healthier, improve your relationships or live your dreams. If you are still breathing, you still have some fight left in you. Get out there and truly live.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of a victim mindset by believing that you don’t have a choice.  You have complete ownership over your life. While you may not be responsible for certain things that have happened, you are responsible for your response and what you choose to do – even if you choose to do nothing. And if you choose to do nothing, that’s totally okay if you are good with it.

But let me ask you, are there things in your life that you want to change? What’s holding you back if you haven’t taken action yet?

When we say we want things to change, and we don’t change them, we are choosing them. And sometimes they are for very real, legit reasons. But make no mistake about it, inaction is a choice.

But if we want things to change, and we want to take action to make that a reality, we need to take full ownership of ourselves. That means taking responsibility for what’s going on with our lives – both the good and bad. It means not relying on other people or events to define our happiness. It’s being willing to go against the grain and do what you need to do to achieve the results you want, even if other people don’t get it. It’s about being honest with yourself about your strengths, weaknesses and shortcomings and seeing these things as an opportunity for you to grow and improve yourself.

If you are struggling with feeling responsible for your life, check this video:

The struggle and pain you may be going through right now, is not how your story is going to end. It is just a chapter and part of the hero’s journey. And some day it may be someone else’s survival manual.

You are also the author of your story…and you have a lot more power on how this story is going to go than you may believe.

Here are some things to remember on your darkest days:

• A river cuts through rock not because of its power but because of its persistence.
• There is no failure except in no longer trying.
• When you feel like giving up, remember why you started.
• Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn’t.
• What makes us victorious isn’t our genetics, talents or skills. It’s showing up every day and not giving up. It’s allowing pain to become our teacher, our ally.
• Storms make trees grow deeper roots.
• Where there is a will, there is a way.
• Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.
• Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.
• Our worst days are only 24 hours.
• Don’t quit. You’re already in pain. You’re already hurt. Get a reward from it.
• You don’t know it yet, but there are many people who will be rooting for you in this current chapter. Be the inspiration they need. Show them that they have the power and strength to overcome anything.