Without trust, you cannot have a deep, meaningful love. Think of trust as the foundation of a building. If you have a solid, concrete foundation, it is going to hold the structure on top of it well. But if parts of the foundation are missing or have cracks in it, the structure on top is going to eventually fall. You can’t have a meaningful relationship with someone when anything external can threaten to bring the structure down because it wasn’t built on a solid foundation.

If you are struggling with trusting your partner, a few things could be at play. Ask yourself what is fueling these feelings of distrust. Has your partner shown evidence that he or she should not be trusted? Do they possess a character flaw that suggests they can’t be trusted? O is the lack of trust there because of your own insecurities, and not because of something they have done?

When you trust someone, you are being vulnerable. You are letting someone in, and they can hurt you. You know this and you are still choosing to open your heart. It’s scary. And for years I struggled with trust and whether or not I should trust my partner. And if I did, would he continue to be worthy of my trust?

But then I realized something. Yes, it is important to vet a partner appropriately to know if they have integrity, morals, if they are trustworthy, etc. And everyone’s definition of these things will be different, by the way. But I realized one universal truth about trust.

Ultimately, trust has less to do with your partner and more to do with you.  

You see, you can give trust more freely when you trust yourself, and truly know that no matter how things might shake out, you will be okay. You trust yourself because you aren’t dependent on how someone else treats you. Your value and worth aren’t tied to what someone else does or doesn’t do.

As the quote goes, “A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.”

Trust in your own wings because you were created to fly.

When you are in a relationship with a healthy person, boundaries are welcomed. That person wants to know what your boundaries and triggers are. They genuinely care about what bothers you and they want to work with you to make sure boundaries aren’t crossed.

They understand that boundaries aren’t about punishment. It’s about showing them who you are really and what you are okay with. It is you being vulnerable by laying out your feelings. It’s you not only protecting yourself, but the relationship as well. And a healthy person will see this.

When someone reacts with anger and hostility to you setting a boundary, one of two things are happening. One, they either do not respect you or your boundary. Or two, they are pushing the envelope to see how easily you will fold on your boundary – which also a sign of a lack of respect.

When we have the conversation and set the boundary, we need to prepare ourselves for the consequence of doing so. And we should make peace with it in our own minds beforehand. We need to remind ourselves that sometimes when healthy people set boundaries, it really pisses off an unhealthy person. And you know what? That’s okay. Stick to your boundaries.

Here are some things to remember when determining boundaries:

1.) Listen to your gut and pay attention to the red flags you are seeing. We tend to be super empathetic not wanting to call someone out on something or embarrass them. Or we deny our own feelings, compromising ourselves, because we don’t want to be a “problem”. Get in tune with what you are feeling. We often don’t even realize that we need to set a boundary until after we are upset by something.

2.) Define to yourself what is really bothering you about the situation. What boundary was crossed? Do you feel manipulated or disrespected?

3.) What do you want to do about it? Really think about it. If you don’t like it when your mother-in-law tells you how you’re not raising your children properly, what do you want to do about it? Maybe your boundary looks like no longer having conversations with her about parenting.

4.) When having the conversation about the boundary be crystal clear about how you feel and approach the conversation with honesty and compassion. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Clearly state the boundary at the end of the conversation to make sure everyone is on the same page. The conversation for the example above could look like this: “You know mom, I really appreciate you wanting to give me advice on how to raise our kids – I know it comes from a good place. But when you bring these things up, I feel like my judgment as a mother is being questioned. So from now on, when you bring it up, I’m going to change the topic because I will no longer discuss parenting with you.”

5.) Be willing to accept the consequences of what might happen and move on. Be prepared for resistance and someone possibly ending the relationship. I know this sounds extreme, but I’ve seen this happen many times.

6.) Remember that everyone is different, and every relationship is different. Boundaries you may have with one person may not exist with another person because the relationship is different – and that’s completely okay.

It’s human nature to stick with our same old patterns and routines, even when we know we’ve outgrown them. We take comfort in the known, and the unknown fuels feelings of uncertainty. We’d rather stick with the devil we know, because at least it is predicable.

Change is inevitable, growth is optional. We can stick to our same habits and stay comfortable. But we know that the real magic in life happens outside of our comfort zone. So, what if we changed how we see breaking patterns that no longer serve us, and saw them as opportunities for growth?

What if these new habits could support who we are becoming rather than who we used to be?  

Here are some things to remember when breaking old patterns and routines:

• It is okay to change your patterns when they no longer serve you. You don’t have to keep saying yes to something you’ve outgrown.
• Validate your feelings of wanting comfort in the known. It is human nature to crave certainty and if you slip back into old patterns every now and again, don’t beat yourself up for it.
• Remind yourself of why you are changing your behavior and how it supports the person you are today and who you are becoming.
• We learn so much more about ourselves when we try new things. We learn what we like, what we don’t like, what works for us and what doesn’t.

What patterns in your life are no longer serving you? What small changes can you make today to support who you are becoming?

It’s so easy to get caught up in the loop of wondering why someone behaves the way that they do. Let’s look at this dynamic in romantic relationships. There are times when our partner will unintentionally hurt us and times when we will do the same. In a healthy relationship, you can talk openly and honestly about it and come up with a plan on how to handle things going forward.

But what happens when you have talked to your partner and they just keep hurting you? We just don’t seem to understand why they keep behaving in ways that hurt us when we’ve told them that it does so many times before. And we get trapped in a vicious cycle of feeling traumatized by the experience.

I always say, instead of getting mad at a clown for being a clown, you have to start asking yourself why you keep going to the circus.

Here’s the thing. If someone is aware that they are hurting you and they continue to do it anyway, they have made an intentional decision to still do it – regardless of how it impacts you. And I would say that if that happens, that is good information for you to have about this person.

When we keep fighting about it and wondering why this keeps happening, what we’re really doing is avoiding responsibility for what we are allowing in our lives. We focus on changing someone else’s behavior, which is impossible to do, rather than be accountable and responsible to ourselves for ourselves. See, by staying stuck in the loop, we avoid sitting with the horrible feeling that our partner continues to do things that they know hurts us. It can be a hard pill to swallow. But when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

We teach people how to treat us, based on what we choose to put up with. If someone continues to do things that hurt you and they are fully aware of what they are doing, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself about the relationship. Ask yourself what boundary are you willing to set to protect yourself?

We have the power to determine what kind of treatment we will accept our relationships. We enforce this by setting clear, healthy boundaries. And remember, what we allow will continue.

How did we get so comfortable with the idea of waiting for “someday” to do the things that really bring our soul joy? “Someday” is that magical point in time that never really gets here where our dreams go to die.

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst. We always think that we’ll have time to do the things we want to do the most and say the things we really want to say to our loved ones. Or to spend time with our family. Or to finally go on that trip we’ve been wanting to go on.

Your dreams and the reason you are here are worth so much more than “someday”. These things that ignite your heart and soul are the things you should be prioritizing. Today. Not someday. Whatever it is, it is something that is inside you that only you can bring to this world.

We should all strive to be more kind to others because sometimes someone being kind to us really does make all the difference. And sometimes we don’t even realize how much we needed those kind words until we hear them.

A few years ago, I literally had a complete meltdown in my car. And it was all because a stranger had been kind to me. I know – it sounds crazy, right? But I realize the reason why I was so emotional about it was because I felt such an incredible lack of basic kindness in my closest relationships. I had become so isolated from others, that I was surrounded by toxicity. And it took someone else’s random act of kindness to remind me that our world is full of light and kindness. I just had to start looking in the right places. And start making the tough changes I needed to make in my own life.

I started challenging some of the beliefs I had about myself. These were some of the ways I felt:

• I give people the benefit of the doubt too much or too many second chances.
• I worry about offending my partner if I stand up for myself.
• I have a hard time recognizing when I am being disrespected. Sometimes it takes someone else pointing it out to me.
• When someone hurts me, instead of setting a boundary with them, I feel like I need to prove my worthiness and why they should value me more.
• When someone hurts me, I need them validate me and my feelings by admitting that they were wrong or disrespectful.
• I don’t even know what respect feels like in a relationship.
• I feel guilty when setting boundaries and worry that I am being unfair. Sometimes I even convince myself that by setting the boundary, I am overreacting.
• I would rather put up with shitty treatment than be alone.

I began to question why I feel this way about my relationships and myself. Just noticing how often these beliefs were reflected in my interactions with others was eye opening. Then I slowly began to challenge my own thinking. I started talking to myself as if I was talking to a friend. What would I tell a friend if they told me that they were worried about offending their partner if they stood up for themselves? Then I began to apply the advice I would give someone else to myself.

What beliefs do you have about yourself that are keeping you in a toxic situation?