In The Incredibles, Elastigirl tells her children to protect their identities before she goes off to help their father, Mr. Incredible. She says it is their most valuable possession. 

In our oversaturated age of digital media, and in particular social media, images of other people’s lives bombard us. Carefully crafted highlight reels of people’s lives are a click away. I think for many young people, this adds to confusion and unhappiness during an already difficult time. And even for us older folks, paying too much attention to it could unhappiness or make us forget who we really are.

There is only one of you and you are important. There is a reason why you are here. Don’t be a copy of someone else or what you think society wants you to be.

The truth is, there are a lot of people out there who have no idea who they are. And these people will think nothing of telling you who you are. Don’t listen to them.

You need to discover who you are and be that person. You never know who you might inspire or help by just being you. As a matter of fact, our world needs who you were made to be.

If you are having trouble understanding or rediscovering who you are, a wrote a post about how you can tap into those parts of you again. You can read it here.

In our society and culture, a lot of emphasis is placed on finding true love. For some of us, it becomes our biggest priority. And who doesn’t want to find it? Finding your “person” enhances your life in so many ways! I love that I have found my person to enjoy adventures with. The problem is that sometimes we equate happiness with our relationship status. Some of us aren’t happy unless we are in a relationship.

Have you ever noticed that there have been times when you fell in love when you least expected it? You were walking your own path, enjoying your life and somehow you ended up meeting someone and falling in love? It’s funny how life works that way.

When you are actively looking for love, ask yourself what your real motivation is. What is the rush to find someone so quickly? Perhaps you are feeling lonely, or you hold the belief that real happiness only occurs when you are in a relationship.

If you struggle with needing to be in a relationship, I hear you. For years I had a very co-dependent mindset, and only felt whole and happy if I was in a relationship. Even if the relationship was dysfunctional – and many times, dysfunctional was a nice way to describe them!

Many times, the reason why our hearts are hungry for a relationship is because we are focused on external validation and approval. We approach it from a place of lack. We don’t feel like we are enough as we are on our own. When we do this, we put ourselves at risk for all sorts of unhealthy dynamics and mental anguish.

In a previous post, I talked about the dangers of going down this path. I talked about my own journey of losing myself in relationships and how destabilized you can become. I also wrote about how I overcame this mindset. You can read about it here. 

The truth is, when you put your key to happiness in a relationship, or another person’s pocket as they say, you are risking a lot. At any moment, that relationship could end. And it can be by them leaving or by death. You have zero control over the very thing you have decided to place all your happiness on.

The relationship also becomes volatile quickly because you have so much to lose if it doesn’t work out. You become dependent on your partner for your wellbeing, which is not only unhealthy for both of you, but an incredible about of pressure to put on someone. It’s unfair and your partner will quickly feel the heaviness of it.

It will bring out the worst in you. Because you have so much to lose, you will find yourself resorting to controlling and manipulative behaviors you never thought you’d do. And this will make you feel worse about yourself because at the end of the day, you don’t want to be the person who does that. At least that is what happened in my case.

One of the best analogies I’ve ever heard about healthy relationship is this: Think of holding out your hand, palm up. When you are secure with yourself and coming from a place of abundance, you hold your palm open. When the bird gently lands on it, you don’t close your fist because if you did, you would crush the bird. You trust that the bird will come back when it flies away. You don’t manipulate it into staying. You give it the freedom to come and go as it pleases, knowing that it has bonded to you and will want to come back.

When you are coming from a place of lack and need for approval, when the bird lands on your palm, you end up crushing it. Not because you want to, but because you are so desperate to feel loved and needed, you don’t want to let it go. So, you inadvertently smother and crush it and it dies.

When you focus on your own path and creating a life that brings you joy on your own, the right people will come into your life. They will complement and enhance your life, and you will contribute in that way to theirs, too.

Have you ever stayed in a relationship that you knew wasn’t good for you because the thought of leaving that relationship felt like too much to bear? Or maybe you your emotions can sometimes get in the way of doing what is truly best for you?

Why We Accept Less Than We Deserve

Sadly, there are many reasons why we accept less than we deserve.

Avoiding Difficult Emotions

One reason we accept less than we deserve is that we don’t want to deal with the difficult emotions associated with losing what we currently have. We may know that there is a better option available to us, but we stay where we are to avoid any negative feelings.

For example, we might stay in a manipulative relationship because we don’t want to experience the emotions of a breakup, or we might stay at our current job to avoid feeling anxious for job interviews.

Low Self-Esteem

Having low self-esteem can make us believe we deserve a lot less than we actually deserve. Self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves, and having low self-esteem means the value we place on ourselves is very low. When we feel that our lives are less valuable, we allow others to treat us like we lack value. For signs of low self-esteem, see this post from Very Well Mind.

Loneliness

This reason relates specifically to relationships. Sometimes, we accept people into our lives who aren’t good to us or for us because we are lonely, but negative relationships can often lead us to feel more alone than we did previously.

Denial

We also might deny that we are accepting less than we deserve. It is easy to fool ourselves into believing that our current situation is the best that we can do, but this only prevents us from seeking anything better.

How to Start Getting What You Deserve

If you relate to this quote and have found that you frequently accept less than you deserve, it is time for you to change your mindset.

Say “NO” To Your Limiting Beliefs

Limiting beliefs are beliefs you hold about yourself that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Some examples of limiting beliefs include “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t deserve better,” or “I’ll never accomplish my goals.”

Free yourself of limiting beliefs by identifying them and asking yourself how true they really are. Every time one of these beliefs comes to mind, simply say “no” and change the narrative.

Develop Higher Standards

What you receive in life will follow the standards you set. If you set high standards, better things will follow. Start by determining where in your life you need to raise your standards, and take a good look at your existing standards in that area. Then prioritize yourself and identify what you actually want in that area of your life.

Improve Your Self-Esteem

To get what you deserve, you need to act like you deserve better. You need to see that your life is valuable in a variety of ways. A great place to start is by making a list of all your strengths and best qualities.

Take a Leap of Faith

To get what you deserve, you often must take a leap of faith by leaving behind something you currently have. Change is hard, but change allows us to go after what we want.

Life is filled with ups and downs. When we experience hard times, it can feel like they will never end; however, when we think back on previous hard times, we realize that they often lead to brighter and better outcomes. After all, “The hardest times often lead to the greatest moments in your life.”

Knowing that there is something better coming your way can help you cope with your present circumstances, but looking at the benefits of going through hard times can help you find joy in the journey.

Benefits of Going Through Hard Times

Grow Mentally and Physically

When we go through hard times, we are often forced to get outside of our comfort zones. We are required to think about things in a different way and become more mentally “tough” in order to get through it. We typically exit hard times feeling more capable and stronger than we did before.

Be More Open to Opportunities

Going through hard times shows us that we shouldn’t take life for granted. It opens us up to all the opportunities and possibilities that exist in the world. Having this new perspective can make us more likely to accept change into our lives.

Feel Closer with Your Loved Ones

Hard times can cause us to rely on our loved ones more than we otherwise would. This increased connection with the people in our lives can improve our relationships and increase our appreciation of our family and friends.

Appreciate Your Life More

When we experience hard times, it can put our lives in perspective. Difficult life situations can lead us to reflect on our past and anticipate our future. You will likely think of activities, trips, or hobbies you hope to start when your hard time has passed.

Tips for Coping with Hard Times

Hard times can be beneficial, but that doesn’t make it much easier to live through our challenges. We need to know how to cope when life gives us lemons so we can eventually reach the great moments to follow.

Accept Where You Are Right Now

An important part of coping with hard times is acceptance. You need to accept where you are right now and accept your place within it. Accepting your current situation will allow you to adapt and seek out solutions or support.

Take Care of Yourself

When you go through stressful, unusual, or unfamiliar situations, it can be difficult to remember to take care of yourself. It is common to forget basic self-care tasks due to feeling anxious and overwhelmed. However, you need to take care of yourself before you are can fully focus on your circumstances.

Lean On Others for Support

Going through hard times can make you feel alone and isolated, but most of the time, you are the one isolating yourself. Family and friends expect and want you to lean on them for support. Use your support system; they can help you think about solutions, cope emotionally, and locate resources to aid you in your situation.

Focus On Things You Can Control

When life isn’t going well, it can be easy to think about the things that are outside of your control, but you can’t fix something you don’t have control over. Instead, try to focus on the things that you can control (internal locus of control), and find ways that you can use them to improve your situation. Remember, life won’t always go the way you want it to, but you can handle the hard times and come out stronger in the end.

Have you ever trusted somebody fully where they know you inside and out?

It can be scary to open up and share our weaknesses. It puts us in a ‘danger zone’ because you are now completely vulnerable. If they want to hurt you, they now have the power to do so.

However, there is beauty in being able to share your flaws with someone you love. It takes a burden off your chest, builds connection, and fosters trust.

6 Benefits of Sharing Your Weaknesses with a Loved One

1. You Build Empathy

By being vulnerable and sharing your weak points, you build empathy. It becomes easier to share feelings, understand each other, and be willing to love and forgive each other for our mistakes.

2. You Build Trust

One of the scariest things we can do is to share our flaws and imperfections with someone. When you share your weaknesses in a relationship, you build immense trust. You can connect at a more authentic level.

A true relationship thrives when you can accept each other fully, for each other’s strengths, weaknesses, good qualities and imperfections.

3. You Enable Growth

When you share your weaknesses with a loved one, they can help you grow and become stronger. Together, you can work on your weaknesses.

For example, if you lack self-confidence in professional settings, they can remind you of all your achievements and help you as you take steps to become more confident. They might help you practice for a presentation or role play as an intimidating boss.

Your weaknesses can be worked on, and it is always easier when you have someone trustworthy to support you!

4. It Builds Courage

What would you do in your relationships if you could act without any fear?

Would you say “I love you” more often? Would you dress up for the other person? Would you initiate sex more often? Fight harder for the relationship you’re in?

Sharing your weaknesses is like dropping your guard and being completely open. This requires immense courage. However, when you practice sharing vulnerabilities, you strengthen your courage. You become braver in your relationship, which can strengthen it.

5. You Open Yourself Up to Support

When you share your weaknesses with a loved one, they can support you. For example, if you are extremely insecure in social situations, they can be the pillar of strength for you when you go to parties together.

6. Replaces Ego with Love

Can you imagine being egotistical with someone who just shared their insecurities with you? Probably not, right? The beauty of sharing weaknesses in a relationship is that we open our hearts and become extremely vulnerable. When we do this, there is no place left for our ego.

When we show our flaws, we truly allow ourselves to receive support from someone else. This creates a channel of love, compassion, and empathy, rather than ego.

Remember, being raw and vulnerable can be terrifying. As humans, we have instincts to protect and preserve ourselves. That includes protecting ourselves from emotional pain. When we share our weaknesses with someone, we essentially give them the power to hurt us in the worst way possible. But the right person will never do that. The right person will be there to support you, love you, guide you, and help you carry the weight of your weaknesses. Therefore, it is important to share your weaknesses only with someone you trust.

In Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight, Alfred explains the story of the bandit who stole rubies in Burma. He equates this man, who just wanted to watch the world burn with the Joker, played by the late, great Heath Ledger. He says that for some men, there is no logical reason to do things – they just want to create chaos and watch how people react.

For these kinds of people, trying to use logic or reason with them is ineffective. Obviously, the Joker is an extreme example of this, but think about people you’ve encountered that you just can’t reason with. They don’t care about the ramifications of their actions and how what they do affect people. In fact, they “get off” on creating situations that are chaotic and difficult for others. They actually enjoy watching people scramble or suffer.

These kinds of people are true psychopaths, like the Joker and the bandit from Burma. They consistently want to watch the world burn, lack empathy and the normal range of human emotions.

But if we’re being honest, at some point in time, we’ve all delighted in the misfortune of someone else. And this is very human. There is actually a term for it called schadenfreude. The literal German translation is ‘harm-joy’. This kind of ‘enjoyment’ is primarily justice-based. And the idea behind it is that we feel joy when another person suffers if we believe their suffering is deserved. Very subjective, it is!

For example, say you have co-worker who shifts blame to you and others when projects don’t get done on time. When this co-worker screws something up and is held accountable for it, you find yourself secretly smiling about it and happy watching them squirm with their superiors.

While this is all normal and human nature, some of us find ourselves fixating on revenge or the demise of someone who has wronged us. This kind of thinking is ineffective and just makes you feel worse in the end. And as the saying goes, before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Don’t allow someone who has harmed you to have such a prominent place in your mind. Focus on building the best life you can for yourself and only focus on what you can control. Believe me, the universe will take care of people who constantly put out bad energy and are harmful to others.

In the movie, The Usual Suspects, Kevin Spacey plays the character Verbal Kint. While talking to the police, he tells these lengthy, detailed stories. When talking about Keyser Soze, Verbal describes how dangerous Soze is and how nobody knew if the man was even real. He says you never knew who worked for Soze. Then he says, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” This quote is remembered more from when it is said at the end, at the big reveal and twist of the story – which I don’t want to ruin for you if you haven’t seen the movie! He also says it at the beginning, which is linked below.

This idea about the Devil, though, originated in 1864. In an article that appeared in the Paris newspaper Le Figaro Charles Baudelaire said something similar.

While we all know that evil exists, when confronted with it, many of us are willing to turn a blind eye to it. We don’t want to get involved. And that is precisely why evil things continue to happen.