In our society and culture, a lot of emphasis is placed on finding true love. For some of us, it becomes our biggest priority. And who doesn’t want to find it? Finding your “person” enhances your life in so many ways! I love that I have found my person to enjoy adventures with. The problem is that sometimes we equate happiness with our relationship status. Some of us aren’t happy unless we are in a relationship.
Have you ever noticed that there have been times when you fell in love when you least expected it? You were walking your own path, enjoying your life and somehow you ended up meeting someone and falling in love? It’s funny how life works that way.
When you are actively looking for love, ask yourself what your real motivation is. What is the rush to find someone so quickly? Perhaps you are feeling lonely, or you hold the belief that real happiness only occurs when you are in a relationship.
If you struggle with needing to be in a relationship, I hear you. For years I had a very co-dependent mindset, and only felt whole and happy if I was in a relationship. Even if the relationship was dysfunctional – and many times, dysfunctional was a nice way to describe them!
Many times, the reason why our hearts are hungry for a relationship is because we are focused on external validation and approval. We approach it from a place of lack. We don’t feel like we are enough as we are on our own. When we do this, we put ourselves at risk for all sorts of unhealthy dynamics and mental anguish.
In a previous post, I talked about the dangers of going down this path. I talked about my own journey of losing myself in relationships and how destabilized you can become. I also wrote about how I overcame this mindset. You can read about it here.
The truth is, when you put your key to happiness in a relationship, or another person’s pocket as they say, you are risking a lot. At any moment, that relationship could end. And it can be by them leaving or by death. You have zero control over the very thing you have decided to place all your happiness on.
The relationship also becomes volatile quickly because you have so much to lose if it doesn’t work out. You become dependent on your partner for your wellbeing, which is not only unhealthy for both of you, but an incredible about of pressure to put on someone. It’s unfair and your partner will quickly feel the heaviness of it.
It will bring out the worst in you. Because you have so much to lose, you will find yourself resorting to controlling and manipulative behaviors you never thought you’d do. And this will make you feel worse about yourself because at the end of the day, you don’t want to be the person who does that. At least that is what happened in my case.
One of the best analogies I’ve ever heard about healthy relationship is this: Think of holding out your hand, palm up. When you are secure with yourself and coming from a place of abundance, you hold your palm open. When the bird gently lands on it, you don’t close your fist because if you did, you would crush the bird. You trust that the bird will come back when it flies away. You don’t manipulate it into staying. You give it the freedom to come and go as it pleases, knowing that it has bonded to you and will want to come back.
When you are coming from a place of lack and need for approval, when the bird lands on your palm, you end up crushing it. Not because you want to, but because you are so desperate to feel loved and needed, you don’t want to let it go. So, you inadvertently smother and crush it and it dies.
When you focus on your own path and creating a life that brings you joy on your own, the right people will come into your life. They will complement and enhance your life, and you will contribute in that way to theirs, too.