An obvious statement, yet we seem to forget it from time to time. Why? Because human nature naturally wants an easier path or answer to a problem. Change requires hard work, unpredictability and unknowns and we just don’t like it. If you’re a Harry Potter fan, you’ll get this analogy. When it comes to change, we often go into Kreacher mode. In the Harry Potter stories, Kreacher doesn’t want to deviate from is path and responds simply with, “Kreacher won’t.” He is stuck in his ways and doesn’t stop to think about how effective he is being. 

Whether its weight loss, any kind of addiction, overspending, unhealthy personal relationships or toxic work environments, we often opt for the path of least resistance and stay in the situation that we are used to. We opt to stay with things that we know. 

Our comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. We will choose to stay where we are because we feel comfortable there – because even if it sucks, it’s known to us.

But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. And you’re stuck right where you are, month after month, year after year. When it comes to making any kind of change in your life, it basically boils down to this:

You have to be committed to the change you want to make and the life you want to live, MORE than you are to your comfort zone.

I know. Easier said than done.

But here the thing: It usually takes something terrible happening, like a major health scare or intense emotional pain to make us less comfortable in our comfort zones. It’s typically what we need to become less committed to our comfort zones. But it doesn’t have to be that way…

Let’s face it – change is scary. Growth is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying in a situation where you really don’t belong. If you choose to make the changes you need to make, there will be struggles and challenges, no doubt. But that’s all a part of the process of growing and transforming your life.

So let me ask you…What really needs to change in our life? What’s been holding you back? Are you ready to start living instead of just existing?

While it is safe to stick to the familiar and known paths in life, truly living is veering off those paths. Life is meant for adventure, developing meaningful relationships and learning about who you are and why you are here. How can you discover those answers if you chose to play it safe all of the time? To experience new things and grow as a person, you have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone and try something different – at least once in a while.

Ships were meant to explore the open sea. While navigating the open seas presents serious risk at times, if ships don’t move around regularly, they are vulnerable to rust and rot. The same is true for us. If you change nothing, nothing changes. If we don’t challenge ourselves, our life inevitably stays the same.

The key is finding a balance of when you should play it safe and when it makes sense to venture out of your comfort zone to discover more about yourself and the world around you. Even if you are happy with where you are in your life today, there are still so many more things to experience.

Make no mistake about it, getting out of your comfort zone is scary. But it also presents new opportunities for greater relationships, amazing experiences and learning more about who you are.

Are you currently docked in safe in harbor? When was the last time you did something for the first time?

We know that it is human nature to play it safe. But when we really start examining our choices, how many can we say are made based on what we really want? I know for me, there is a silent compromise I make in many of my choices. I can make an excellent argument with the rationalizations I use as to why I should choose something safer or put something off. And sometimes there is real merit in my argument. For example, it makes sense in uncertain economic times to be more disciplined when spending money. However, at some point these reasons that have merit can become a convincing crutch as to why we don’t really choose what we want – even when we can reasonably do it.

Earlier this month I talked about the difference between danger and fear. Danger is an action. When we are in danger, there is action happening around us or by us that puts us in harm’s way. Fear, however, is an emotion. It is a feeling of what may come. It is fueled by overwhelming emotion that is so powerful, that it can impair our judgment. In these heightened states of fear, we lose our ability to discern what is really a threat to us.

When we choose a safer path, we are still taking a risk. We are choosing what we think will be a safe choice. But there is no way for us to really know how safe it really is. The only measurement we have is that it makes us less afraid. And we know that once our minds become consumed by fear, our thought process might not be all that reliable.

We need to challenge ourselves when making a choice and honestly ask ourselves if we are really choosing what we want, or if we are making decisions based on some underlying fear.

What choices are you making based on fear? What are you choosing that you think is safe?

When people feel bad about the things that they have done, and they don’t want to acknowledge the truth about they did, they tend to focus all their energy on picking apart someone else and the things that they do. By focusing all their energy on them and making them the person who was wrong, they don’t have to look at themselves. Or take accountability and responsibility for themselves. It’s a nice little buffer that allows them to stay in an arrested state of development.

Some of us are more susceptible to taking on responsibility or blame for things that really aren’t ours to carry. When you are around people who like to hold you responsible for their actions, the situation can quickly turn toxic, not to mention, mentally and emotionally draining. You can start to question your own reality and wonder if you really are to blame after all. And people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves, have mastered the art of gaslighting.

Here are some things to remember about what personal accountability and responsibility look like:

• When you take responsibility for yourself, you own how your actions impact the relationship – both positive and negative.

• You take responsibility for how you feel regardless of what your partner says or does. You understand that other people don’t make you feel a particular way.

• You know how to take care of yourself emotionally and mentally, soothe yourself, and respond to situations in a calm, measured fashion. You don’t put the responsibility of feeling okay onto someone else and you don’t allow what someone said or did to change your emotional state.

• People who are avoiding taking responsibility for themselves are avoiding making decisions and taking real action to address the real problem.

• When someone blames and criticizes others, they are avoiding a truth about themselves.

• You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming them, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.

• When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

Whether we are conscious of it or not, what we believe about ourselves determines the results we get in our life. Back in June, I talked about the science behind the law of attraction and how our brains create filters for our experiences based on what we believe. You can read the full post here.

What we believe about who we are, and our value heavily influences how we experience life. Whether it’s how we relate to others, how we feel in social settings, how we navigate our careers, and any event that happens to us – our brains have a set of parameters in how they interpret these things. And we set those parameters based on what we believe. Naturally, our results in life are reflections of what we believe we deserve.

The good news is that we can alter our results by changing what we believe. If you notice a pattern of results that you aren’t happy with, examine what underlying beliefs you might have about yourself. For example, if you tend to choose jobs that don’t allow you to grow into better roles, ask yourself if that is what you really want. Maybe you do want it that way. Perhaps having a lower stress job is important to you because it allows you to focus your free time on other things outside of work – which is awesome. But if you don’t like that you aren’t advancing, ask yourself why you have chosen the jobs you have had. Do you feel like you aren’t capable of handling additional responsibility? Are you afraid of how you will be perceived as a manager?

Getting to the root of what is really driving your results is key to unpacking and rewriting what you believe about yourself. In the example above, if you find that the real reason you have been stuck in the same job for years is because you are unsure about how to be a manager, that’s great news! Now you can address the lack of confidence you feel in yourself by educating yourself on how to be a manager. Maybe that looks like reading books or finding a mentor who has the role you would like to have. Taking action to build confidence in yourself and your abilities will help you reshape how you see yourself…and ultimately change the results you are getting.

What results do you believe you deserve? 

Often times we give and give to others, hoping to get the same back from them. When we don’t get it, we wonder why we aren’t worthy of it in their eyes. Or we keep on giving and hoping the other person will see it and give us the love or validation we want.

The truth is, you are worthy. Just as you are. And your worthiness doesn’t decrease just because someone else can’t see it. Sometimes the person we seek love from can’t give it to us back in the same way. Or they don’t realize what we need (and we don’t directly convey it) so they don’t give us what we are looking for.

The way I like to look at it is what others give me, is a lovely bonus. It is my job to be responsible and accountable for myself and my feelings. And that means giving myself what I need and not depending on others to give it to me or validate me in some way.

It’s nice to get love, support and validation from others, but that shouldn’t be what we rely on to feel okay.

Here are some things to remember when showing yourself the unconditional love you deserve:

• Accept yourself flaws and all. No one is perfect and we are going to make mistakes along the way.

• Forgive yourself for mistakes you have made. We learn a lot about who we are and what we want by making mistakes. They are just part of the process.

• Practice self-care daily. Whether it’s getting in physical exercise, writing in a journal, meditating or doing something that recharges you, make it a daily habit.

• Make peace with your inner critic. Be nice to yourself. It’s okay to be unhappy with yourself about some things. Just stop attacking yourself. Acknowledge your feelings about it and focus your energy and thoughts on what you are doing to change the things you don’t like. We are all works of progress and we are not in a race.

• Prioritize relationships that inspire you or make you feel recharged.

Showing yourself unconditional love and believing in what you deserve sets the standard for how you wish to be treated. And you will be amazed at what you attract when you start believing in what you deserve.

You may know this famous quote from The Godfather Part II or Machiavelli, but it dates back to Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. Friends are somewhat predictable, and you know their strengths and weaknesses. The idea of keeping your enemies closer is all about knowledge, information and strategy. If someone is your enemy, it’s helpful to understand what their strengths and weaknesses are. How do they think? What motivates their actions? What kind of tactics might they employ against you? What are their pressure points?

Another reason why it’s important to keep your enemies closer is that they may honest with you about a shortcoming, where a friend wouldn’t be to spare your feelings. Enemies also present times for adversity, which naturally pushes you out of your comfort zone and provides an opportunity for personal growth. Keeping your enemies close requires a balancing act, but once mastered will become second nature.

Think about it like this. With an enemy there is already foundation of mutual respect, even if you dislike each other. If you are enemies, you each see each other as a threat, and we respect people who challenge us on some level. There is a scene in the movie Heat where this is illustrated. Al Pacino plays a detective who is hunting Robert De Niro’s character. Beneath the surface, there is a huge amount of respect for each other and how they are executing their game of cat and mouse with each other.

Typically, we will have some shared objectives, interests or values with our enemies. Having resources or information to give them will make you an asset to them and vice versa. This allows us to work with them closely so we can gain invaluable insight to how they work or complete a goal you have in common. You learn more about them. What motivates their actions? How do they persuade people? What causes them to get pushed off their game?

This is all good information to have, should our enemies attack us because we can use that information to defend ourselves or diffuse the situation.

In the movie The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo that there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. Knowing and doing are two totally different concepts. Knowing is passive and doing is active. Walking the path allows us grow by facing challenges and struggles along the way. It builds character. Knowing the path is more theoretical.

Often times, intellectually, we know what the right path for us is. We think about it, envision it and we know what we need to do. Yet we fail to execute it. It’s much harder to walk the path simply because it takes discipline and consistent effort. And it’s hard. It’s hard to stick to a healthy diet around the holidays or at a celebration. It’s hard to get up every morning and workout when we just want to sleep in.

When it comes to knowing what we need to do or how we can reach our goals, knowledge is an important factor. But there’s one thing that is even more important – and that is experience. Experience is what allows us to fine tune what is really going to work for us and what is going to help us get to where we want to be. It’s our best teacher because we learn through trial and error what works and what doesn’t work. Abstract knowledge will only get us so far.

Do you know the path, or are you walking the path?