What makes you feel more alive? What fills your heart and makes you feel like you are living your life’s purpose?
You see, we often put off the things that truly ignite our soul. We feel like that is a luxury that we can indulge in when we have more time. We don’t see it as important. When we get all of the things on our to-do lists done, then we can get to it. And you know how that goes. We never will actually have the time; we need to make the time and make these things a priority.
But for some reason, we deprioritize these things. But what if I told you that what makes you feel more alive is your highest purpose? What if that is the reason why you are here?
Pay attention to the things that speak to your soul and the things that make you feel alive. Those things are what you are meant for. You were born with wings because you were meant to fly.
Confidence doesn’t come from anything external. There are tons of people who are objectively rich, successful, attractive or “have it all”, yet they struggle with feeling confident because they don’t see that within themselves. Our confidence comes from how we perceive ourselves, regardless of what reality is. Read that again. Reality doesn’t matter. But how you perceive yourself does.
This means that how we see ourselves sets the stage for how we feel about ourselves in situations.
We often hear people say, “fake it until you make it” or “present yourself as if you are already X” and you will become these things. And these methods work in the short term. But truly becoming confident is an inside job and all about how we perceive ourselves and how we relate to the world around us.
Mark Manson has a great article on how to be more confident that you can read here. He points out that the only way to be truly confident is to become comfortable with what you lack. We know that failure is our best teacher, and we shouldn’t take failing at something as if we are failures. The failure is simply part of the process or a reflection of lack of knowledge.
Confidence is also closely tied to resiliency. Being resilient is our ability to “bounce back” from challenges and pressures in life and remain positive. Being highly resilient allows us to feel more confidence because we trust in our own ability to overcome setbacks and disappointments.
So how do we become more resilient? First, it is helpful to get some guidelines as to what kind of resiliency challenges we may have that came from our childhood. According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be, which means the more challenges you may have with resiliency later in life. NPR has the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) test that you can take here.
What’s interesting about the scoring of this test, is that it really is just guide because so many other events that happen can mitigate a high score. For example, a person may have a higher score, but having a trusted relative who is your cheerleader or teacher who mentored you and believed in you can make all the difference in mitigating any long-term effects of past childhood traumas. And these people do very well in life, too.
Developing resiliency within yourself takes time. Facing struggles and challenges strengthen our resiliency because we learn through practical experience that we can get through it and be okay.
If you are struggling on where to start, I have a post on steps you can take to start building your resiliency that you can find here.
Video on the REAL Secret to Confidence
About the Expression: Confidence isn’t walking into a room and thinking you’re better than everyone. It’s walking in and not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.
The above expression is a contemporary saying. People in the self-help community like this quote for many reasons. Among them is the expression of a healthy perspective on self-confidence. This adage emphasizes that true confidence is not about feeling superior to others. In fact confidence does not engage in comparison. Instead, it emphasizes self-assuredness and being comfortable in one’s own skin. To be clear, we can feel confident irrespective of how we measure up against others.
This view of confidence is about internal validation rather than external comparison. We can gain confidence from a place of self-acceptance and self-awareness. When we do this, we allow ourselves to move through life free of the need for validation from others. Internalizing this quote will root your confidence by knowing your value. You know it. It is not derived from being better or worse than the people around us.
Sadly, the exact origin of this quote is unclear. However, it reflects a common theme in self-help and personal development. That’s why I chose it to help encourage positive self-image and healthy self-esteem.
Resources to Support Developing Confidence
If you feel inspired to gain a greater sense of confidence, I put together a list of resources that should help.
First, I’ve written about confidence in other posts. Here are a couple I recommend to learn more:
Second, books have always helped me learn about many topics. Most importantly, I learn about myself. Here are a few I recommend for developing confidence and self-worth:
“The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know” A relative bought this book for me one Christmas. I wasn’t sure what to think of it at first. However, what Katty Kay and Claire Shipman share helped me understand triggers in me that inhibited my confidence. The book explores the psychology and sociology of confidence, particularly in women, and offers advice on how to achieve it.
“The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” In this book, Nathaniel Branden shares a comprehensive guide on self-esteem. I would have liked more practical tips to apply the ideas. However, because we’re all at different points in our journey, maybe not having those tips makes sense. It can be helpful, but be prepared to really go through the text to find what will work for you.
These books provide interesting perspectives and strategies. I hope they help you build your confidence.
Please note, the books linked above use affiliate links from Amazon. I only refer books I find useful. If you choose to buy one using the links above, I may receive a small commission. Using these links helps me cover the costs of hosting and maintaining the site. Thanks!
Isn’t it ironic that as adults, when we have all this life experience behind us that tells us otherwise, we can be so quick to doubt ourselves? Our fears creep in and can paralyze us. George R. R. Martin said, “Fear cuts deeper than swords”. If we allow fear to consume us, it will take root in our minds. It will infect our spirit and stop us from pushing forward and keep going.
As children, we don’t have as much pressure put on us. We are oblivious to what society says we should be when we are very young because we don’t have the capacity to fully understand the world beyond ourselves and our caregivers. With this limited knowledge, we are free. There isn’t room for comparison to others, self-doubt or fear.
When I think about a child learning to walk, the child just keeps trying. He or she doesn’t sit there and wonder if this whole walking thing is for them after they have fallen countless times. Their parents keep teaching and encouraging them.
What trips us up is fear. Fear of failure, perhaps even fear of success. But what is fear?
The late Greg Plitt spoke a lot about fear. He said, “fear is self-imposed, meaning it doesn’t exist. You create it, you can destroy it too. It’s an intangible. If you face your fears, you will realize they are not that big.”
Fear creates you or destroys you – what will you choose?
The scars you wear are evidence of how hard you have fought to save yourself. Be proud of all that you have overcome. In an earlier post, I talk about how trauma creates changes that you don’t choose and that healing is about creating change that you do choose. Many times, the wars that we have had to fight where not ones of our choosing – especially when we were younger. We had to level up and confront the war, even when we weren’t ready or didn’t know how to respond. We did the best we could under the circumstances. And we survived.
Japanese culture has an interesting way of looking at things that have been through battle. In Japan, when an object is broken, say a bowl, it is repaired with a lacquer that is mixed with precious metals, like platinum, gold or silver. They call this the art of kintsugi. The breakage and repair are something that is highlighted and shown as the history of the object, rather than something they try to hide or disguise. And many times, these objects are passed down through generation after generation. They don’t believe that the object loses its value because it has been broken. It is regarded as more distinctive and valuable because of what it has been through.
Sometimes we sell ourselves short or think that we are less than because of our experiences. But we are not what happened to us or our decisions. They are things happened to us or are things we did. They are not who we are.
When you adapt to the energy in a room, you are reacting to a situation or vibes that are being sent out from others. When you influence the energy in the room, you do so by ‘holding onto yourself’ in those situations, maintaining your own frame and you come from a place of responding to life. You can’t control how other people use their energy, but you also don’t allow yourself to acquiesce or comply with the energy others are giving off.
So, what do I mean by ‘holding onto yourself’ anyway? What I mean is being able to hold onto your own thoughts and feelings, and not allowing external things to influence your mood. You are responsible for how you feel and how you act, regardless of what other people are doing.
Say I am in the company of someone who is super negative. Instead of adapting to their negative energy and allowing it to infect my mood, I hold onto and honor my own thoughts and feelings of being in a good place. I am polite and kind to them and I excuse myself after the conversation. I don’t allow their negativity to get into my head and influence me or my mood.
That being said, sometimes it is really hard to not allow people who are negative or miserable to get into your head. That is why spending less time with them is ideal, but let’s face it, if it is someone who you are close to, that can be really hard.
If you struggle with being assertive in these kinds of situations, I wrote a post recently about implementing Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills into your life. These are really basic life skills that teach you how to be more in the present, manage your emotions and feelings of distress and be assertive in your relationships. You can read all about it here.
In a previous post (09.07.2021) I talked about why we tend to judge others. It’s really just a part of our human condition and a way our brain tends to categorize things so we can move on to the next thing. The problem is, when we judge someone else, we tend to make a judgment about their overall character, not about the specific situation. Our snap judgments can be deceiving. Think about it. How many times have you met a person and came to a conclusion in your head about who they are, only to find after spending an hour with them that they are totally different than what you thought?
When we become too “judgy”, what we are really dealing with is a self-esteem issue, within ourselves. Our egos love to be judgmental of others because it allows us to experience the following:
We feel superior and better than others, which gives us a fleeting, false sense of self-worth.
We create a protective buffer, so we don’t have to closely examine ourselves. If we are focused on shortcomings or flaws in others, we don’t have to honestly look at ourselves. Doing so may be too painful or overwhelming because we don’t know how to fix what we don’t like.
We avoid connection and/or emotional intimacy with others. When we make snap judgments of others, we are building a barrier between us and them. For those of us who are scared of letting others in, this defense mechanism works perfectly because not only are we stopping the connection from happening, our judgments are our rationalizations as to why we shouldn’t connect with them in the first place. It keeps us more isolated from others, and we can’t get hurt.
The best way to stop being judgmental of others is to develop a curious heart. When people behave differently and it is confusing or off-putting, instead of deeming their character a certain way, get curious about their behavior. Why are they acting this way? What’s really going on with them?
When you do this, you are reframing what has happened and making it less personal. We tend to take people’s behaviors personally and many times how they act towards us has nothing to do with us. And when people behave negatively, don’t allow your soul to get entangled with their negativity. Maintain your frame and sense of self and vibrate higher.
Truly knowing who we are and owning it is the best gift we can ever give ourselves. When you know who you are, what other people have to say doesn’t matter. You aren’t vulnerable to questioning yourself just because they have an opinion about you. Who we are evolves over our life time as we are exposed to different people and new experiences.
Many of us don’t fully realize who we are just yet. And some of us have lost who we are through life’s trials and tribulations. Here are some things to ask yourself, to rediscover who you are:
What are the things you value the most?
What brings you joy?
What makes you feel sad or alone?
Who did you want to be when you were younger?
What was your younger self like? Was he/she adventurous, sensitive towards others, etc.?
What are you most proud of?
What are you most afraid of?
Who are the people you admire? Why?
What activities get you so excited, you forget to eat or lose track of time?
What are deal breakers to you in relationships and why?
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
What brings you comfort?
What makes you feel safe?
Who are the people in your life who make you feel inspired and why?
What kinds of qualities do you respect and admire in others?
What are your deal breakers in relationships and why?
What do you wish you did more of?
If you were to write a letter to your younger self, what would it say? What kind of wisdom would you impart through difficult times?
If you could turn back time, what would you have done differently? What would you have done the same?
If you could be granted one wish, what would it be and why?
If today was your last day here, what would you regret and why?
We can stay stuck where we don’t belong for a very long time because we prefer the devil we know. The flip side is, we might not have to know a new devil at all. The truth is, change is going to happen in life, whether we want it to or not. Growth, however, is optional.
Overcoming the urge to stay stuck in a place that sucks but is known, takes time and often immense pain. We don’t often make changes in our life until we decide that staying where we are is more painful than staying in our comfort zone.
When we find ourselves wondering if we should make a change and we fear the devil we don’t know, we need to remind ourselves of how resilient we are and how far we have come. We lose sight of that when we are afraid. We are going to come across many devils in our life. The good news is, each time we deal with a devil, we learn how to do it. We discover that we can overcome these challenges and we a stronger because of it.
What devil have you allowed to take up residency in your comfort zone?
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