Are you really living or are you just existing? We tend to choose to exist because it’s safer. Really living requires courage and a vulnerability that is just plain scary to most of us.

Why don’t we live like we’re dying? (Spoiler alert – we are all dying.) We are perishable items and our time here is limited. Yet we forget that and fall into our daily patterns and routines. We stay inside our lanes, just looking ahead to what comes next. We go onto autopilot chasing all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. And chasing the wrong things and staying within the lanes of what society says we should do is not living.

You are here for a reason. And it’s not to live a monotonous life. Or a life filled with fear and worry.

What makes you feel more alive? What fills your heart and makes you feel like you are living your life’s purpose? Your time is limited here…it’s time to start living like your dying.

When unexpected or bad things happen, we can feel incredibly overwhelmed. Just look at the past 20 months since the pandemic. Many of us have faced so much uncertainty, loss, and serious hardships.

Often times when we focus on things that have already happened, we become depressed – just like when we focus on the future we can become anxious. But when we focus on the present and what we do control, we light our own candle in the darkness.

Here are three ways to light your candle and illuminate your path ahead:

1.) Practice gratitude. Focus on appreciating all that you do have. I remember early on in the pandemic I stayed in my house a lot – as in, for weeks at a time, which was so unusual for me. One night I was out driving, and the sunset was setting, and I was just in awe of seeing something so beautiful. It was something I had taken for granted before when I was super busy running here and there. Taking the time to appreciate the beauty in this world reset my mind to look for all that was good and going right in my life.

2.) Connect with others. When I feel overwhelmed by situations, it’s so easy to stay stuck thinking about it. I isolate myself. But as they say, monsters live in the dark. When I make an effort to connect with a friend or family member, my focus shifts to them and what is going on in their lives. We laugh about things and overall, I just feel less alone, and I hope they do, too. There hasn’t been a time when I have reached out to others that I didn’t feel better afterwards and more capable of dealing with my problem.

3.) Have compassion for yourself and others. For the most part, we are all doing the best that we can in any given situation. Don’t be too hard on yourself or others. By being kind to yourself and others, you empower rather than judge. Feeling compassion from others tends to make us feel more optimistic. And when you are more optimistic, you are more likely to see ways forward that you didn’t see before.

When your heart and thoughts change, you start making those small changes that end up changing your life. And we know that change happens when we change the small things we do daily.

Last Friday night, after healthy eating all week, we had pizza night. We make homemade New England Greek style pizzas, and it truly is a taste of home for us. Where we currently live does not have good Italian food at all. But I was proud of myself for eating healthy all week and had saved my calorie budget for pizza night.

When I sat down to have dinner, I was starving, and I enjoyed it in the moment! But afterwards I started thinking about it and concluded that while I enjoyed it, it wasn’t all I thought it would be. And it tasted really good. And anyone who knows me will tell you that I love pizza and it is my ultimate comfort food. So why didn’t I feel as happy about eating it as I thought I would?

It wasn’t me feeling guilty that caused the change. I had been saving calories all week in the anticipation of this meal. Honestly, I think my mindset about what is enjoyable is shifting. I know this sounds crazy, but the joy I got from eating pizza just really isn’t the same anymore. And I think this change in mindset has been a long time in the making.

I know that for me, actions have to come first, like eating healthier, then my feelings about it will come later. When the feelings come later, things are changing inside me. My heart changes. In this case, my heart is placing more value on healthier choices than pizza night. It isn’t as big of a deal as it used to be. And I don’t feel judgment towards pizza night, it just isn’t all that anymore.

When things change inside you, things start changing around you.

Any time we feel rejected it can cause us to question what we are doing. Remember that rejection isn’t your final chapter and it isn’t a statement about who you are or your worth. It is merely something that happens to us to test whether or not we are serious about moving onto our next chapter.

I have seen too many people completely paralyzed by their fears for years. And nothing changes in their life. The idea of making a change is so overwhelming and scary, that they would rather stay stuck in a situation they hate, just to avoid the uncertainty and fear they feel of making a change.

Rejection is just redirection. When this happens, we have to remember that if the door didn’t open for us, it wasn’t meant for us. There is something better that is uniquely suited for you down the road. We must trust the process and know that the universe is unfolding as it should.

So how can we trust the process when we feel rejected and like giving up? Here are some things to remember along your journey:

• Rejection is just redirection and experience.
• Our journey teaches us more than our destination.
• We always end up where we need to be, right when we are meant to be there.
• Be brave and let go. Allow the universe to reveal its beautiful plan for you.
• Remember that life isn’t happening to you, it’s happening for you.
• There’s a reason for closed doors, unanswered prayers and blocked roads. If your plans aren’t working out right now, it’s because there are better things waiting for you.
• Doors will open for you when you least expect it.
• Be open to the world and all its possibilities. You never know when an opportunity will show up.
• Not getting what you want can be a blessing.
• You’ve overcome challenges before.
• There is always something to be thankful for.

We tend to gravitate towards people who are like us and what we put out into the universe has a way of coming back to us. We all radiate energy, it’s just a matter of what kind. If you are positive and excited about life, you will attract the same and be attracted to the same. Likewise, if you are negative or always looking for ways to be offended, you will find yourself surrounded by the same kinds of people.

I believe we are here to constantly evolve and become greater versions of ourselves. So how do we continue to advance on our path?

Finding a couple of mentors who we aspire to be like keeps us challenged. Being a mentor to someone else helps us give back and learn more about ourselves as a teacher. And having people around you who are like-minded and trying to achieve the same things in life gives you an opportunity to have and be part of a support system.

What we choose to tolerate will continue. This applies to our relationships as well as ourselves. By tolerating any behavior or situation we don’t want to tolerate, we are showing ourselves and other people that what we say is intolerable, actually is tolerable, because we aren’t doing anything about it.

Let’s start with what you choose to tolerate within yourself. Anything you choose to tolerate will not be something you are motivated to change inside yourself. But the truth is, the only thing standing between you and what you want is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself.

We all have creative narratives as to why our lives are the way they are. We rationalize our behaviors and thoughts so that they fit our story – or what we believe about ourselves or our situation. The problem is that by creating all these little narratives, we end up creating limiting beliefs about ourselves and stay stuck there.

Let’s look at it like this. How does your bullshit story work for you? What do you get out of it? Perhaps by telling yourself all the reasons why you can’t do something, you never put yourself in the situation to even try so you don’t have to experience rejection or failure. Or maybe it allows you to not have to take responsibility for yourself or where your life is. Your bullshit story keeps you shackled and holds you hostage – and it doesn’t have to.

Here are five steps you can take to eliminate limiting beliefs you have about yourself:

1.) Name the belief. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you really believe about yourself or a situation. Say you struggle with believing that you deserve a healthy relationship. Write it down and expose it.

2.) Acknowledge your feelings about the belief. Own it. Why do you believe you aren’t worthy of a healthy relationship? What causes you to believe that about yourself? Write it down and expose that, too.

3.) Be gentle with yourself. So many of us have limiting beliefs about ourselves. Chances are, those beliefs came from a place that hurt us, or caused us to cast doubt on ourselves. Show compassion towards yourself about your experience.

4.) Understand the byproducts of these beliefs. Once you started telling yourself you didn’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship, what happened? How were you affected? What other narratives were added to your bullshit story that confirmed this belief?

5.) Rewrite your story. How does your story look if you do believe you are deserving of a healthy relationship? Rewrite yourself as the hero who has overcome the limiting belief. Make that your new narrative. For example, you can say to yourself, “For years I didn’t believe that I deserved a great relationship. But I know who I am now and what I deserve. So I won’t be settling for less anymore.”

When it comes to our relationships with other people, what we choose to tolerate in our relationships will continue. By tolerating any behavior or situation we don’t want to tolerate, we are showing that person that what we say is intolerable, actually is tolerable, because we aren’t doing anything about it. 

We can struggle with tolerating nonsense for many reasons. Mine have been the following:

• Feeling guilting setting limits and boundaries or that I am being unfair by doing so
• Wanting to save someone or seeing their “potential”
• Fear of being alone
• Poor self-esteem and self-worth, like not believing I deserve better treatment
• Overall insecurity with myself

The truth is, even the kindest person will unconsciously assess what their partner will and will not tolerate. It happens on an unconscious level and is reflected in how they treat you consistently. It is up to us to set appropriate boundaries and love ourselves enough to walk away from a relationship that continuously causes us harm.

If you are an empath like me, you might have challenges with knowing what your non-negotiables or deal breakers are in your relationships. We really have to be able to define those things for ourselves because they are the foundation for our boundaries and us communicating how we wish to be treated.

How you begin to define what are non-negotiables for you is really asking yourself the hard questions about what is important to you in a relationship. Be honest with yourself with what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. You also have to know what your core values really are. Those are going to guide you as to what is okay and not okay for you. You should also know what things are “nice to haves” but you are willing to compromise on. And these things may evolve and change, just as you do through different stages of your life.

Most of the time when things are going really bad, it is right before you catch a break. Sometimes things have to get worse, before they can get better. For these men and women, they faced rejection, failure and even despair.

• Thomas Edison – He was told by his teachers that he was ‘too stupid to learn anything’. He went on to hold more than 1,000 patents, including the phonograph and practical electric lamp.

• Steven Spielberg – He was rejected twice by University of Southern California’s School of Cinematic Arts. He went on to win five Academy Awards.

• Albert Einstein – He didn’t speak until age four and couldn’t read until age seven. He was considered to be mentally handicapped. He not only changed the way we perceive physics; he won a Nobel Prize.

• Stephen King – His first book, Carrie, was rejected by publishers 30 times. Frustrated, he threw the manuscript into the trash. His wife retrieved it, asking him to try one more time. He did and it was his first book deal.

• Sylvester Stallone – He was rejected by talent scouts over 1,500 times. When he was writing Rocky, he was so broke he had to sell his dog to keep the electricity on.

• Oprah – She was told she was unfit for television and fired from her first job.

• Katy Perry – Her first album sold a mere 200 copies before the record label went out of business. After that she was dropped by two record labels. Ten years later she released I Kissed a Girl, and her career took off.

• Michael Jordan – He was cut from his high school basketball team for lack of talent.

• Howard Schultz – When developing Starbucks, he was turned down by banks 242 times.

• Walt Disney – His idea for a theme park was trashed 302 times.

Don’t allow setbacks you face to discourage you…Steve Jobs was famous for saying, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” To be successful in anything, you must be willing to fight through the failures and obstacles. If any of these courageous men and women had given up, the world as we know it wouldn’t exist.  

Did you know that eighty percent of all choices are based on fear? Most people don’t choose what they want; they choose what they think is safe. But the truth is, when we choose a safer path, we are still taking a risk. We are choosing what we think will be a safe choice. But there is no way for us to really know how safe it really is. The only measurement we have is that it makes us less afraid. And we know that once our minds become consumed by fear, our thought process might not be all that reliable.

Shortly after I was diagnosed with cancer, I became fixated on the fear of dying. And those fears make sense when you first get a diagnosis like that. It’s scary and there are so many unknowns. There were so many tests to be done that might give me an inkling to my fate. And believe me, I was like Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out every variable and what could happen. After pouring over medical journals and case studies, the patient was now a doctor!

I had always been a super laid back, fun person who all of sudden, had lingering thoughts late at night, lying in bed, worrying about dying. I really think that this is normal response to news of a life-threatening illness. But reflecting back on it, I find it kind of silly because, well, we are all dying. No one knows when their time on this planet is up.

Tomorrow is promised to no one, and we are perishable items. We can’t afford to live in fear. We cannot afford to live in potential for the rest of our lives.

Don’t allow the illusion of doing what you really want to do with your life to be “someday”. “Someday” is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you.