Life in the 21st century is definitely a wild ride. In the age of social media, we are constantly balancing societal expectations with our parents’ expectations, our friends’ expectations, our partners’ expectations, and our own expectations. With all of these influences acting on us, it’s not surprising that a lot of us lose ourselves in the chaos.

The truth is, pretending to be someone or something you’re not can make you lose sight of the person you are or want to be. Let’s take a look at some of the influences that can cause you to lose yourself.

Influences and Expectations

In life, we are pushed and pulled in many different directions. Everyone has a different idea of what you should do, the people you should spend time with, how you should treat other people, what you should look like, what your talents should be, and so on.

Some of this influence is positive and leads you in the direction you want to go. However, there are also a lot of negative influences that contribute to the unrealistic and unwanted expectations that lead you off course. Here is a short list of potential influences on your life:

• Social media
• Parents
• Friends
• Relatives
• Peers
• Television
• Music
• Education

Are You Lost?

With all these influences, it might be tricky to know whether or not you have lost your way. Some signs that you may be lost include the following:

You Don’t Know Why You’re Doing What You’re Doing

Do you go to work or class and wonder why you ever decided to choose your specific career or major? Do you find yourself doing activities that don’t give you any form of satisfaction? This is a good sign that you might be choosing your pursuits based on what other people expect from you.

You Feel That Your Support Systems are Brittle

Do you feel that your support system could break apart if you do something others don’t agree with? Are your friends only your friends when you live up to their expectations? This may mean you are pretending to be someone else in order to stay in a specific group or friendship.

You Consider What Others Will Think Before Considering What You Want

When you think about doing something different in your life, do you first consider what other people will think of you? You can easily lose yourself when you only do things that other people will accept you for.

You are Stressed All of The Time

Our minds and bodies know what is right for us, and they will tell us when we aren’t heading in the right direction. Pretending to be someone we are not is extremely stressful and draining.

How to Get Back to You

Take Control

You are the only one who can choose the direction of your life. People only have power over you when you allow it. If you feel that you have lost yourself, take control of your actions and your life and only do things that make you feel fulfilled and happy.

Eliminate Negative Influences

Along with taking control of your life, you need to get rid of the influences in your life that push you the wrong way. Spend less time with the friends or family members that pressure you to do what they want. Unfollow social media accounts that set unrealistic expectations. Putting distance between yourself and the negative influences will give you more freedom of choice.

Consider Yourself First

You are the one that has to live with your choices. Always put yourself first when deciding what job you want to pursue, what you want to dress like, the hobbies you want to involve yourself in, etc. You’ll be much happier when you are doing things for you and not for someone else.

We might have to balance many different influences in life, but it is important to remember to not lose sight of who we are along our journey. Do what makes you happy, and forget the rest.

In Cobra Kai, Johnny makes the point that in the real world, you can’t expect people to do what they are supposed to do. They also aren’t going to always do what you would do or what you think they should do. And the more you dependent on a certain outcome, the more you set yourself up for feeling defeated.  

Yes, friends. Like Shakespeare said expectation is the root of all heartache. 

The truth is people are unpredictable. And as much as we might not want to admit it, we are all capable of anything. We are all different with our own sets of priorities. And we have zero control over what people choose to do.

For example, not too long ago one of our relatives received his master’s degree in Chemical Engineering. He’s a brilliant kid who later moved on to get his doctorate degree. But between his master’s and doctorate his parents were shocked and a little concerned at one of his choices. He took some time off to move to a “hippie” community in Colorado to make vegan cheese. His parents had different hopes for what he would do between programs, but he was happy and that’s what he wanted to spend his time doing.

What we are “supposed to do” is so subjective. It’s a personal decision that is going to constantly evolve, just like we do. When you find yourself fretting over what someone else should be doing, draw the focus back to yourself and what you are doing. Afterall, that is what you have control over.

In the movie Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Dumbledore tells Harry that “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live” while he is looking into the Mirror of Erised. The mirror reflects Harry’s deepest desires, and Dumbledore cautions him about focusing too much on those dreams. Dumbledore says this quote to Harry after declaring that the mirror is going to be moved and warns him not to go looking for it again.

Dumbledore asserts that the mirror does not give us knowledge or truth. He says men have wasted away in front of it and even gone mad focusing on what could be rather than what is.

While it is natural for us to dream about what we want the most, focusing on it too much takes us away from the present.

It reminds me of having a good dream and waking up in the middle of it. I try to go back to sleep and hope that I can pick up the dream where I left off. But going back to it rarely happens, and in the process of trying to hold onto that moment, I oversleep, run late to work, and then I feel frazzled all day.

When we focus too much on our dreams and what could be, we forget to live in the present.

For instance, most people get out of school and start a job. They have a dream of getting married, owning a home, and having kids. You know, the American Dream. But what this really looks like is 60-hour work weeks and feeling too exhausted to do anything after work or on the weekends. It’s a cycle of working to get ahead or working to save money to live later on in life. They are focused on the dream so much that they lose sight of the present.

While is important to think about the future, all we really have is now. Here are some tips to refocus your energy onto the present:

• Stop worrying about tomorrow. While it is smart to prepare for the future, it is not smart to let that exhaust your energy and take you from the present.

• Focus on what is happening in your life now and the people in your life. Enjoy the time you get to spend with family and friends. Be in the moment.

• Pay attention to and appreciate the small things in life. It is healthy to be content with what you have right now. There is still time to achieve your dreams, but don’t let the dreams suck the joy out of today.

• Appreciate where you are in life right now. There are lessons meant for you to learn that may prove beneficial to those dreams you have. Don’t miss out on them because you’re looking too far ahead.

There are many benefits to choosing to live in the moment. It can alleviate the stress associated with constantly trying to achieve a certain status or living up to expectations. And because we know stress contributes to high blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity, being content with where you are right now may benefit your health.

Your relationships will also thrive and be healthier when you are present in the moment. It is hard to have a conversation with someone who is a million miles away, focused on the future, and too consumed with their own thoughts to really hear you.

Finally, the present is the only moment you can somewhat control. A lot can happen between the present and the future, and most of it will be beyond your control. While planning for the future is necessary, it’s important to balance it with living in the present. Living in the present also allows us to do those small things that, over time, will make a big difference in future. 

Have you ever become lost within your own thoughts? Have you ever known that you couldn’t change something, but that thing consumed your mind anyway? We tend to ruminate on negative thoughts, and that rumination prevents us from moving on with our lives.

If something is out of your hands and there is nothing that you can do about it, it deserves freedom from your thoughts, too. At that point we need to stop ruminating on what we cannot change. So, what does it mean to ruminate?

Rumination

Rumination is when we experience a repeating thought or several repeating thoughts that negatively affect our lives. These thoughts are usually upsetting, frustrating, or anxiety-provoking.

People ruminate for several reasons. First, we might ruminate because we hope to find a solution to the problem we are facing. Second, we might ruminate to try to cope with ongoing stress that we feel we cannot control. Lastly, we might ruminate to hold onto something that is now gone, such as a loved one that passed away or a relationship that ended.

Negative Effects of Rumination

Rumination is not a healthy response to stress. There are many negative effects of rumination including the following:

Depression

Ruminating has been found to worsen depression symptoms. One study found that people who ruminate were four times as likely to develop major depressive disorder than those who didn’t ruminate.

Increased Stress Response

Holding onto negative thoughts and repeating them over and over in your mind prolongs your stress response. Rumination leads to feeling stressed for a longer period of time and feeling that stress more intensely.

Impaired Problem Solving

When your mind is constantly ruminating over a specific negative thought, you have less space to think about other matters. Ruminating makes it more difficult to solve problems and make good decisions.

Prevents Moving Forward

Focusing on the past doesn’t allow you to live in the present. When you ruminate, you miss out on what is right in front of you and struggle to change the things that you can actually change.

How to Clear Your Mind

If you’ve found that you tend to ruminate, the good news is that there is something you can do about it. Follow the steps below to free your mind.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It is important to know that there is a difference between rumination and allowing yourself to feel your emotions. To give yourself freedom of mind, make sure you first acknowledge how you feel about what happened.

Catch Yourself

The next step is to catch yourself when you start to ruminate. When you find yourself repeating thoughts, tell yourself to stop and take a deep breath. Then move on to the next step.

Find a Distraction

Once you’ve stopped yourself, you need to find a distraction. You might engage yourself in a hobby, start another work project, play a game on your phone, do a workout, or play with your pet. It can help to have your distraction planned out ahead of time so you know exactly what to do when you find yourself ruminating.

Flip the Script on Your Negative Thoughts

If distracting yourself doesn’t work, another strategy is to flood your mind with positive thoughts instead. You could practice affirmations or think about the things you are grateful for. This fills the real estate of your mind and keeps the negative thoughts at bay. 

Ruminating is a problematic practice that is all too common. However, you don’t have to let rumination control your life. If you find yourself ruminating, remember “If it’s out of your hands, it deserves freedom from your mind too.”

This quote comes from a line in the third verse of Bob Dylan’s song titled, Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right.

There will be some relationships, be them romantic or not, that will want more from us than what we can give. I have found that even if you are totally emotionally available, some people just want more than what any one person can reasonably provide.

In my posts I often talk about giving too much to relationships and feeling like you have to chase your partner to give you the emotional connection you crave. And this generally assumes that what you are looking for is reasonable and fair. Some of us tend to attract emotionally unavailable people. And I speak from extensive experience, unfortunately.

But what happens when you are looking for more from your partner than what is reasonable, or they are looking for more from you?

When one person in a relationship seems to need not just your heart, but your soul, too, the major thing at play is emotional dependency. And this can apply to both romantic partners and friendships.

Both giving and receiving emotional support in relationships is important and beneficial. Having friends and family you can count on for support and guidance is an amazing thing. But emotional dependence goes beyond normal support one can expect in a relationship. It is described as a state of mind where a person cannot take full ownership and responsibility for their feelings. 

What does emotional dependence look like?

A person with emotional dependence, turns to others, typically their partner, to meet all their emotional needs. It’s a tall order to fill for anyone. But because they lack the ability to handle their own feelings, they turn to others in hopes of regulating them.

According to Healthline, these are several signs of emotional dependency:

• an idealized view of your partner or the relationship
• the belief your life lacks meaning without them
• the belief you can’t find happiness or security alone
• a persistent fear of rejection
• a constant need for reassurance
• feelings of emptiness and anxiety when spending time alone
• needing them to build your self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth
• feelings of jealousy or possessiveness
• difficulty trusting in their feelings for you

When one partner is more emotionally dependent, this can create all kinds of stress and strain on the relationship. Because they are coming from a place of immense insecurity, their fear of abandonment is very high. In dynamics like this, you will often see controlling behavior emerge, in attempt to make sure they aren’t abandoned or so their partner eases their insecurities. But the reality is because they are so externally focused, there is nothing that anyone else can ever do that will fix the problem.

How do you overcome emotional dependency?

Rediscovering who you are, and your own interests and preferences can go a long way into helping you understand yourself better and learning how to manage your own feelings. If you are struggling with knowing your interests, I wrote a post about how you can rediscover that here. Spending some time alone can be helpful, too.

Understanding what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like is beneficial. Many people don’t really know what one looks like. I wrote extensively about the ten traits of a healthy relationship in an earlier post.

Attachment styles play a huge role in how we relate and connect to others. Discovering what yours is can help you navigate relationships better.

Lastly, working with a therapist can really help you along your journey. They can work with you to get to the root of your insecurities and fears. They can also collaborate with you on an action plan to start rebuilding your self-esteem. In no time you can be moving closer to relationship dynamics that empower you, rather than leave you feeling powerless.

Have you ever had someone promise that they would do something that they never followed through on? Or maybe someone told you they cared for you only to treat you like you don’t matter? A person’s words fall flat when their actions don’t match what they claim. The truth is, you only truly know where a person’s intentions and heart lie when you see them follow through on their word. 

This quote has resonated with me throughout the years. I wrote about it previously in another post, about a year ago. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to clarify and elaborate on why we must always trust actions over words.

Words Lack Confirmation

The problem with words is that they lack confirmation. Someone can give you their word, meaning that they claim they will do something or that they feel a certain way, but act in a way that completely goes against what they claimed.

For example, a person could claim that they will be on time for a work meeting but show up 20 minutes late making an excuse as to why they are late.

Trust needs to be earned, and it can only be earned by following through on the promises you make. 

Actions Demonstrate Intentions

Where words fall short, actions speak very clearly. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they treat others, the things they spend their time doing, and how they react in certain situations.

For example, if a person opens doors for you, smiles at you, goes out of their way to make you happy, and works hard to get to know you, you can clearly see that they care for you. On the other hand, if a person only talks about themself, only does what they want to do without concern for you, shows up late, and cancels dates, they clearly have a strong disregard for you and your wellbeing.

It All Comes Down to Reliability

Reliability is an important trait to have. Being a reliable person means that a person acts in accordance with what they say. They are trustworthy, dependable, honest, and they follow through on their commitments. Reliable people enjoy the following benefits:

• Have a clear conscious because they completed their commitments.
• People trust them with more responsibility and freedom.
• They have better relationships because people value their reliability.
• They enjoy promotions at work because their company trusts them to get work done.
• They feel better knowing that they are trustworthy and follow through on their word.
• They improve their skills and talents by putting in the work.

How To Be Reliable

Some people are naturally reliable, but most of us aren’t born with natural reliability. However, there are some actions we can take to improve how reliable we are.

Think Before You Commit

Sometimes we make commitments that we can’t follow through on. When we overcommit, we set ourselves up for failure. When you are about to make a promise to someone, consider how likely you are to follow that promise through to completion and adjust your commitment accordingly.

Accept Challenges

While you should avoid overcommitting, you shouldn’t avoid making commitments in general. Saying no to everything doesn’t make you reliable. You need to accept some challenges to work towards being reliable.

Plan for Your Commitments

When you have made a commitment, you need to plan for how you are going to get that task done. Write down when you are going to spend time on the task, what steps you need to complete to finish the task, and plan to complete it all before the designated deadline.

Be Honest

There are always situations and circumstances that can get in the way of finishing your commitments. When that happens, don’t make excuses. Be honest about what is preventing you from finishing the task and give the person a heads up before the deadline if possible.

Following through on your word is valuable in any romantic relationship, friendship, familial relationship, and work relationship. Remember to always make sure that your actions reflect your words.

Sometimes, we are stereotyped or cast into a mold that we didn’t choose for ourselves. Perhaps someone tells us that we are not smart enough to go to college or to work a certain job. They place our abilities in a box, and we believe it, remaining constrained by them.

It’s kind of like the conditioning of elephants. As babies, they are tethered to a rope that is tied to a stake in the ground. They can’t break free from it, so they learn to stay in the space they have, while tethered to the rope. As adults, they are tethered the same way. Being so big and strong now, they can easily break free from the rope. But they never do. They stay there, tied, confined to the little space they have to wander around, while never daring to break free. Why? Because they have been conditioned to believe that if they try to break away from the rope, they won’t be able to. Their belief gets in the way of them discovering that their experience can be different.

It is easy to give in to the abilities and capabilities that are predetermined for us. Sometimes it may feel like life is easier if we just live up to what someone says we are able to do and not strive to be more. Often, we feel we aren’t equipped or qualified to achieve anything beyond what has been expected for us.

Sometimes our own self-doubt creeps in and tells us we aren’t good enough to do something. Or our own fear of failure keeps us from trying something new. Or perhaps it is that “friend” or family member that reminds us of all the times we’ve fallen short before.

But no matter what anybody tells you, you are capable of more than you know.

It is often only in the process of struggling to achieve something, that we discover what we are made of and just how capable we are. And it is the twists and turns of that journey that causes growth, not reaching the final destination.

How Do You Discover How Capable You Are?

First, determine what it is that is placing limits on you. Is it your own fear, or it is what someone else is tell you? How can you address these limitations?

Next, figure out what it is you want to do and break out of the chains that have been placed on you. Come out of that box you’re in and face new challenges with courage and determination. Take baby steps if you have to. Just get moving in the direction you want to go in.

Finally, remember that you are your only limit. Don’t let your fears stop you from doing anything. Instead of letting self-limiting behaviors stifle you, challenge yourself. Set a goal and create steps needed to achieve it.

The truth is, we cannot afford to live in potential for the rest of our lives. Life is happening now. And our time here is limited. Make your move.

Remember, life hands us moments that can help define us. What we do with those moments shows us what we are capable of doing. We just have to take the chance. And more times than not, we discover we are much more than the limitations we have placed on ourselves or have allowed others to place on us.

Ah, another good ‘miyagism’! When Daniel-san is concerned about not having learned as much karate as he expected to, Mr. Miyagi reminds him that, “You trust the quality of what you know, not quantity.
 

When I first started out in business, I had many different projects going on at the same time. I worked night and day on them. I found myself frustrated that I wasn’t making as much progress as I had hoped in the first year.

But then I decided to take a more sane and rational approach. I decided to slow things down and focus on one project at a time. I threw myself into that one thing and worked on it until I had reached the goals that I had set for myself. I dealt with the anxiety I had about letting the others take a back seat for a while. I reminded myself that this was the only way I could get it all done to my standards. Then I moved onto the next one.

I can honestly say that I am proud of what I have done in business, because I have created value and something of quality. Before I was just spinning my wheels, trying to get everything done – and the quality was subpar. The truth is, there is no easy path and nothing worth having comes easy.

Quantity doesn’t matter. Quality does. It’s kind of like friendships. Early on in my teenage years, I had a large group of friends, but I felt so alone. Those relationships lacked any kind of depth. When I became more selective, I ended up finding a much smaller group of friends, but they were truly quality friends. They were people I could call while breathing into a paper bag because having my latest boy drama meltdown. Or friends who were there for me 24/7 when I lost a family member who was like a parent to me. 

Remember, quality will always trump quantity.