This quote comes from a line in the third verse of Bob Dylan’s song titled, Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right.
There will be some relationships, be them romantic or not, that will want more from us than what we can give. I have found that even if you are totally emotionally available, some people just want more than what any one person can reasonably provide.
In my posts I often talk about giving too much to relationships and feeling like you have to chase your partner to give you the emotional connection you crave. And this generally assumes that what you are looking for is reasonable and fair. Some of us tend to attract emotionally unavailable people. And I speak from extensive experience, unfortunately.
But what happens when you are looking for more from your partner than what is reasonable, or they are looking for more from you?
When one person in a relationship seems to need not just your heart, but your soul, too, the major thing at play is emotional dependency. And this can apply to both romantic partners and friendships.
Both giving and receiving emotional support in relationships is important and beneficial. Having friends and family you can count on for support and guidance is an amazing thing. But emotional dependence goes beyond normal support one can expect in a relationship. It is described as a state of mind where a person cannot take full ownership and responsibility for their feelings.
What does emotional dependence look like?
A person with emotional dependence, turns to others, typically their partner, to meet all their emotional needs. It’s a tall order to fill for anyone. But because they lack the ability to handle their own feelings, they turn to others in hopes of regulating them.
According to Healthline, these are several signs of emotional dependency:
- an idealized view of your partner or the relationship
- the belief your life lacks meaning without them
- the belief you can’t find happiness or security alone
- a persistent fear of rejection
- a constant need for reassurance
- feelings of emptiness and anxiety when spending time alone
- needing them to build your self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth
- feelings of jealousy or possessiveness
- difficulty trusting in their feelings for you
When one partner is more emotionally dependent, this can create all kinds of stress and strain on the relationship. Because they are coming from a place of immense insecurity, their fear of abandonment is very high. In dynamics like this, you will often see controlling behavior emerge, in attempt to make sure they aren’t abandoned or so their partner eases their insecurities. But the reality is because they are so externally focused, there is nothing that anyone else can ever do that will fix the problem.
How do you overcome emotional dependency?
Rediscovering who you are, and your own interests and preferences can go a long way into helping you understand yourself better and learning how to manage your own feelings. If you are struggling with knowing your interests, I wrote a post about how you can rediscover that here. Spending some time alone can be helpful, too.
Understanding what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like is beneficial. Many people don’t really know what one looks like. I wrote extensively about the ten traits of a healthy relationship in an earlier post.
Attachment styles play a huge role in how we relate and connect to others. Discovering what yours is can help you navigate relationships better.
Lastly, working with a therapist can really help you along your journey. They can work with you to get to the root of your insecurities and fears. They can also collaborate with you on an action plan to start rebuilding your self-esteem. In no time you can be moving closer to relationship dynamics that empower you, rather than leave you feeling powerless.
