Fools often can’t stop themselves from stating their opinions and telling anyone and everyone who will listen just what they think. A wise man on the other hand, is more interested in hearing what others have to say. He knows he will learn something new, or he just likes to take in all the information and draw his own conclusions silently. He knows that he will learn more about a situation listening rather than talking. He has no need to spout out wisdom or opinions so that others will notice him.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the moment, we don’t listen to others as well as we’d like to. Here are some tips on how you can become a better listener.

1.) Be present with who you are listening to. The best gift you can ever give someone else is your time and attention. Really be present in the conversation. Make eye contact. Connect with them and what they are saying. Eliminate distractions like your phone.

2.) Listen to learn. Sometimes we listen to someone and as they are talking, we think we have things figured out. Think of each conversation as a place where you can learn something. Take in information rather than commenting on everything that is said.

3.) Don’t wait to talk. Are you really listening or are you really waiting to talk? The fool waits to talk. Don’t be a fool. When you are waiting to talk, the person with you can sense it. Choose to show how good of a friend you are by being present and not just waiting to talk.

4.) Choose your response thoughtfully. When you slow things down and listen more, you can form better responses that are well thought out. You are basing your response on having gathered more information, so you are coming from a better place to contribute to the conversation.

Your turn…Do you actively listen or do you wait to talk?

We all have people in our lives who can be super negative at times. I’ve had my share of being immersed into situations with people who are truly high conflict personalities and just radiate a vibe of immense negativity.

For a while, I had a hard time dealing with the aftermath of being around someone who is negative or high conflict. I would literally feel emotionally drained. And I found if I spent too much time around them, I would start to become negative, too. I guess misery truly does love company.

What I learned along the way, though, was that if someone else’s negativity is affecting me, that is 100% on me. We have complete control over what kind of vibes and thoughts we let into our heads. We also have complete control over how we choose to respond to it. You see, it is our responsibility to hold on to ourselves in those situations and stay on our own frequency.

Now I’m not saying you should just put up with someone else’s nonsense when they are negative, or you’ve had enough. What I am saying is, you can choose to respond in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself and hold on to the person you are, rather than modifying yourself to fit their vibe.

Here’s an example. I have a relative who can be negative at times. I used to allow it to affect my mood after spending time with them and I would just find myself feeling more judgmental towards others or feeling pessimistic. It was a complete change in my personality. And when I reacted that way, it made me feel bad about myself. Notice I used the word react. Now when I respond to situations like that, I don’t allow myself to become infected by their vibe.  I hold onto my fun, easygoing personality and I will politely change the conversation, or end it if needed. I refuse to engage in negativity and allow it to mess with my head. And I walk away from the situation feeling proud of my response.

How are negative people affecting your frequency? What can you do to vibrate higher?

Most of us try to avoid conflict as much as we can. We avoid it because we are concerned that we won’t be able to resolve the issue peacefully with minimal drama. It’s uncomfortable and we are naturally wired to avoid pain.

Let’s take a look at some of the thoughts and beliefs we have when we think about conflict:

• Maybe I am making a bigger deal out of it than it really is.
• I’m not really sure how I feel about this, I just know it bothers me.
• Every time I speak up, I get other people mad or I feel rejected.
• What if I raise this issue, and the relationship ends?

All these worries surrounding conflict are understandable. The problem is, when you choose to avoid conflict with others, you don’t just stop feeling your emotions about it. The conflict actually escalates and becomes bigger because those feelings fester inside you. Your mind ends up ruminating on things, seeking to end the conflict you feel to no avail. Resentment builds and despite trying to appear that everything is okay, a cauldron of anger is brewing beneath the surface. Not only are hiding your true feelings, you’re neglecting your own needs by allowing things to go unaddressed.   

Here’s the thing about conflict. Conflict is an opportunity for people to strengthen relationships and take their relationship to a deeper level. Instead of seeing it as a detriment, we can look at it as a positive thing because it allows people to speak honestly and move forward in a fair, reasonable fashion. We don’t have to bite our tongue and just put up with things that threaten our peace of mind.

The challenge is how we handle conflict. Below are some ways we can approach handling conflict that arises.

1.) Think about whether or not there is an issue to address. If so, what is it? What are your feelings about it? What would you like to see happen going forward? Be clear about how you are feeling with yourself before having a conversation about it with others.

2.) Pick a time to talk about it. Be sure to pick a time that is convenient to you and the other person. And speak about it privately.

3.) Be specific about what you are feeling and stick to the present. Don’t bring up things from the past. Assume that the person meant no harm when addressing how you feel. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. And when describing behaviors and feelings avoid using words like “never” and “always”.

4.) Let the other person respond and actively listen to what they have to say.  Don’t think about how you will respond. Listen to their perspective. Maybe they are feeling things you had no idea about. When they are done, summarize what they said to you to make sure you are understanding them and are on the same page about what’s being communicated.

5.) Focus on creating a solution or compromise you can both can agree to. Instead of rehashing the idea, be solutions oriented. It’s helpful to have an idea of what you would like to see happen and what compromises you may be willing to make before having the conversation. Be willing make compromises and communicate appreciation for the other person doing so as well.

6.) Check in on how the solution is working as needed. Sometimes when you come up with a solution, circumstances change and it’s okay to revisit the issue if the solution is no longer working.

If the idea of asserting your feelings is overwhelming, you can start with small things and work your way up to the bigger issues.

Your turn…Are you avoiding conflict in your life? What are some small issues you can begin addressing now?

Anger is not a bad emotion. In fact, in some situations, anger is an incredible motivator. Sometimes letting anger drive the change you need to make in your life can be a good thing. Experiencing anger allows us to understand our true feelings about things. But what happens when we hold onto anger? What happens when we’ve held onto it so tightly, it changes us into this angry person we never wanted to be?

When we allow anger fester, it begins to erode us. It slowly etches away who we are, and we start to see things from a skewed, negative perspective. I know this because I’ve been there.

How do we end up getting to this horrible place? First of all, feeling anger is healthy and completely okay. But when we hold on to it because someone else hurt us, and we refuse to let it go, we end up focusing on the wrong things. We end up focusing on that person’s behavior, why they did what they did, how injured we feel, etc.

Instead we need to focus on how this really made us feel, besides anger. Feel the anger, and then release it. Holding onto anger can be a buffer we use to protect ourselves from what we are really feeling. Maybe what we are really feeling is hurt or betrayal or sadness. Addressing those feelings in a vulnerable state can make us feel scared. But we owe it to ourselves to be honest with ourselves.

Instead of asking why that person did something, ask yourself if you remove anger from the situation, how does it really make you feel? Does this change the nature of the relationship? Where do we go from here? Then we need to determine how we move forward.

Like the old proverb says, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Don’t allow anger to erode you. The roots of anger, bitterness and resentment run deep and will imprison you. Free yourself from it.

Les Brown has been quoted saying that the richest place in the world isn’t the bank. It’s the cemetery because too many people have left their unused gifts and talents behind. My guess is that as we go through life, we feel like we will have the time to follow our heart and our dreams. 

A common theme I talk about on this blog is that our time here is limited. We don’t know when our time will be up. Yet we often put things off or wait for the “perfect” moment to make our move. If we don’t know how many trips we have around the sun, why are we waiting? What life event has to happen to us to push us out of our comfort zone and finally take that leap of faith?

When I think about unleashing my potential, I don’t think about climbing the corporate ladder, making more money, having nicer things, etc. I think about taking the chance, trusting the madness and doing what I really want to do and being who I really want to be. It is taking the chance to truly live, on my terms. It’s living out my purpose and what my heart has been called to do.

Here are some signs that you may be living in potential:

1.) When thinking about your dreams or what you want to do in your life, the timeline you have for it is “someday”. The truth is, there is never a perfect time to get started. If you wait until you feel ready, you will be waiting for the rest of your life.

2.) You think about your childhood dreams often. Kids aren’t stuck in the barriers of what society says we should do. Kids don’t often consider these restraints; they just want to do their thing. And they are excited about it! As we become adults, we allow our childhood dreams to become derailed by ideals, pressure about what we should be doing, etc.

3.) You often feel unsettled – even when you “should be” happy. Perhaps you are successful in business, have a nice house or take nice vacations but you find that the happiness these things bring are fleeting. What keeps our hearts happy is being true to ourselves and living out our potential. Perhaps you feel unsettled because you know you are meant to do more.

4.) You find yourself admiring people who are trusting their madness. Maybe you always wanted to be a performer and you see someone out on the street singing. Watching them, you may feel admiration for them for having the courage to put themselves out there and just going for it…You feel inspired by them and wish you could do it, too.  

Remember, there is a reason you are here, and our world desperately needs what you have to offer.

What has your heart been called to do? If you weren’t afraid of rejection or failure, what would you do?

We often take how others treat us to heart and believe that how treat us is a statement about our value or worth. But most of the time, how people treat us has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with how they feel about themselves.

Other people’s negativity can only affect us if we are on the same frequency. How we deal with crappy treatment, hurtful comments or overall negativity is 100% on us. We can determine how we respond. And when you internalize that we are truly responsible for our own thoughts and feelings, it is easier to take a step back and not take things personally.

When people cope by projecting, what they are doing is protecting their ego and sense of self-worth by attributing traits, feelings or actions that they don’t like about themselves onto someone else. For example, if a spouse is cheating on their partner, they may accuse their partner of being unfaithful, when there is no evidence of it.

People who project onto others often have this anxiety inside them because they are uncomfortable with the feelings they have towards themselves. By projecting onto others, they release some of the anxiety related to it, without actually addressing the real issue – which is how they are feeling about themselves. It is an ineffective coping mechanism. Think of it as a pipe under immense pressure and each time the person projects, some of the pressure is released by the valve. The problem is, because the real issue is never being addressed, the pressure builds right back up. 

Obviously, this behavior is not okay. But when you see it for what it is, you aren’t as easily offended or hurt. You can take a step back and respond to the person in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself. You can be the light and vibrate higher. 

People who spend their time looking for flaws in others do so as a mental buffer to protect themselves from what they would see if they looked at themselves. It’s easier to point out shortcomings in others than it is to honestly look at their own flaws, take responsibility for how they feel about themselves and take action to improve themselves.

When a person spends time looking for flaws in others, they reveal that there is something inside of them that needs healing.

What I think many people don’t realize, is that when they criticize others, they are actually feeding their own insecurities and making them worse. They feel a temporary ego boost and illusion of being superior to someone else, but it is very short lived. They keep repeating the behavior to “feel better”, because that is how they have learned to feel good about themselves – except they never really do. And inside they know they are being cruel, which makes them feel worse about themselves.

When dealing with these kinds of people, try not to take their negativity personally. Hurt people, hurt people. Vibrate higher. Don’t lose your luster and stay in the light.

We tend to need some kind of closure when there has been an end to a significant piece of our life. Whether is a relationship, death of a loved one or job change, the finality of it all can be overwhelming and painful. Afterall, whatever had been part of your live was real and meaningful.

Closure allows us to let go of what once was. It is acceptance of what has happened, honoring what was once there and integrating it into our lives. This integration allows us to move forward without self-imposed limitations and offers us opportunities in our lives that we might not see if we stayed stuck in the same place.

With relationships, it is completely human to want answers from someone if they ended the relationship abruptly. We go into puzzle-solving mode, trying to understand where things went bad and where the red flags were that the end was coming. We keep seeking information until we are satisfied. But the truth is, most of the time we will never get all the information we seek. Maybe the person who ended it has ghosted us and they aren’t going to tell us anything we want to know.

Here’s the thing about closure: Closure is an inner-self journey of healing. It only requires you and you have to find peace on your own. And not all situations are going to look the same. It isn’t a linear process – it can be pretty messy.

It’s also important to note that everyone is different when it comes to closure. We all have distinctive ways in how we heal. Some need closure and peace of mind more than others, and that’s totally okay.

Here are some ways you start to get closure for yourself and restore your peace of mind:

1.) Give yourself the freedom to feel all the emotions you have – without judging yourself.

Some find it helpful to journal their feelings and some prefer talking to a friend or therapist about how they are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to feel and you have every right to feel how you feel about it.

2.) Express your feelings in a way that promotes healing for you.

If you know that confronting the person involved will bring you peace of mind, see if they will speak to you about it. If they aren’t, respect their boundary and write a letter to them and don’t send it. If you are seeking closure from the loss of a loved one, I find that sometimes saying the things that you wish you had the chance to say to them in person through a letter helps, too.  

3.) If you wronged someone, apologize.

If you did something or said something that was hurtful, acknowledge and own what you did to the person involved. Whether it’s in person, on the phone or through email, express it. If the person doesn’t want to talk to you, respect their boundary and write a letter of apology and save it for a later date or just discard it instead of sending it.

4.) Practice gratitude and focus on what you learned from the experience.

Say your ex ended your relationship out of the blue and you didn’t see it coming. Practicing gratitude and focusing on what you learned from the experience helps integrate what happened. Perhaps the relationship was an opportunity to learn more about what you like and don’t like in a partner. Maybe looking back you see some red flags that were there, and you can use that knowledge in future relationships. Relationships that end, while painful in the immediate, provide an amazing amount of opportunity for introspection and personal growth.

5.) Be patient with yourself.

Like I said earlier, creating closure for yourself isn’t a linear process. It takes time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay open to all possibilities that lay ahead.