The problem with time is that in the moment, we all think we have an endless supply of it…until we don’t. Our time here is limited yet when it comes to the things we really want to do, we put those things off until we have time. We don’t make the time for it, we put it off to someday because we think someday will be there. But the truth is, someday is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you.

Let me ask you this – if not now, when? Spoken in the wisdom of Ferris Bueller, “life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while – you could miss it.”

I think one of the reasons why people put things off for “one day” is because they don’t know how to get started. I’ve made the mistake of thinking that I need to have it all figured out to get started, but you really don’t. As a matter of fact, our journey is not going to be linear. It’s going to be messy. There are going to be times that you take two steps forward and one step back. That’s just experience and part of the process. Don’t like perfectionism be the enemy of your progress.

There are those who walk into a room and believe they are the smartest person. Then there are those who walk into the room and ask themselves what they can learn from the other people in it. The one who wonders what he can learn is wise.

It is impossible to know everything. Even the most educated and successful people will tell you that they are always learning, and sometimes from the most unexpected people. They may be wise, but they don’t give off that vibe. They have a mindset where they are open to new ideas and ways of looking at things. They know that they are not the smartest person in the room and do foolish things from time to time.

The fool, however, wastes no time in letting everyone know how smart he is. You will find that the fool talks more than he listens. He cares about how he is perceived and wants to be recognized by others as smart. The wise man, though, will be understated and you may mistake him for an idiot.

Take Mr. Migayi for example. When Daniel starts learning karate in The Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi gives him all these exercises to do. He is tasked with painting Mr. Miyagi ‘s fence, washing his cars (wax on, wax off, Daniel-san) and sanding his deck in the backyard. Daniel, being a fool, complains throughout the process saying that he isn’t learning karate. He accuses Mr. Miyagi of promising him that he will teach him karate, but instead he has become his slave doing all this free work for him around his house. Mr. Miyagi says, “So?” and tells him that he has learned plenty and that not everything is as it seems.

Daniel discovers that all the tasks Mr. Miyagi had given him was training to learn karate, he just didn’t realize it. Having never done karate or any kind of martial arts training, he thought he knew what his training would look like. He thought he was much wiser than he was.

How many fools do you know who think themselves to be wise? How about unassuming men, like Mr. Miyagi, who are wise?

You never know when just being yourself or being kind to someone can make a huge difference in their life. As a kid I was lucky in many of my family members lived in the same town as me. My aunt and uncle lived next door to us with my cousins. My grandmother lived with us, too, so family was always close by.

One of the things I really appreciate now is the fact that if I was having a bad day or something was going on with me, there was always someone around who I could go to and talk to and feel better. I didn’t always do that, and now I wish I had. But I did sometimes, and there was always some kind of wisdom one of my family members would offer up or they would just be able to get my mind off things for a while.

Be the kind of energy that when you walk into a room, your vibe radiates from within you. Be kind, positive and open to the world and all its possibilities. Be the kind of person who creates a feeling of warmth and goodness just by how you interact with others. Be the light that others search for in their moments of darkness.

What energy are you putting out into the universe?

Are you someone who gives others the benefit of the doubt naturally? I definitely do that, and I have to the point of allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I think it’s quite normal to want to believe the best in people until they prove otherwise. And with the people we know and love, sometimes we tend to extend that “policy” beyond reason.

I have a friend who just discovered that her partner’s work from home activities included viewing porn on message boards throughout the day. They have a history of intimacy issues in their relationship, but she believed that they were both actively working on them and that neither of them was talking to other people, looking at porn, etc.

The funny thing is, she told me that every now and then she suspected that he was up to something because when she would walk by his office (they both work from home) he would change his screen quickly. She noticed that he just seemed to do that on his personal laptop, which he kept with him while working, but not his work one. But she gave him the benefit of the doubt because she wasn’t seeing anything else that pointed to him doing anything shady and it seemed like he was putting forth more effort into their relationship. So, she didn’t say anything to him or give too much thought to it – even though she got this feeling regularly.

Well one day, he apparently didn’t hear her walking by his office, and he didn’t switch his screen. In the corner of her eye as she was walking past the office, she saw what appeared to be people having sex on his screen. So, she stopped and watched it to make sure she was seeing things right. She was shocked and just didn’t think he was doing that, let alone during his workday and bouncing from his work computer to his personal one, watching porn.

As she stood in the doorway to his office and his back was to her, she composed herself and cheerfully asked him what he was watching. He made up some story of what it was, and she said to him, “huh, really? Because it kind of looked like porn.” He denied that it was at first (isn’t it funny when you physically see something, and someone tries to tell you that you didn’t? I always find that amusing!) and then quickly came clean and admitted to doing it regularly and for the last few years. It was a bit of a shock to her, because this is a man who often spoke about how dopamine changes your brain structure when you look at pornography similarly to how heroin and cocaine do and how harmful it is.

I’m not going to debate the morality of pornography and whether it is “okay” in a relationship. People have differing opinions about it, and what might be acceptable to one couple, might not be to the other. I also don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of porn addiction.

What I will say, though, is looking back at the situation, there were some red flags that my friend didn’t see. One, they were not being physically intimate – big red flag. Two, he was only switching screens quickly on his personal computer, even though he claimed to do it with his work laptop, too – which wasn’t true at all. And maybe this one wasn’t a red flag, but he made a big deal about how watching porn screwed up your brain – and he sincerely believed it. The couple would often have debates about it, and he seemed passionate about how harmful it was, yet he did it anyway. 

Did my friend believe what she wished to be true? I don’t know. On one hand, yes, because there were some signs of something being wrong. But at the same time, she didn’t confront it because she didn’t want to jump to conclusions about what he was up to. Perhaps she should have paid more attention to her gut feeling when she suspected that something was off. But again, was it enough to ask him about it?

I am a firm believer in allowing things to just unfold in relationships. If someone is doing something shady, it will be revealed eventually. It’s important to pay attention to warning signs, but for me, and your mileage may vary, I don’t want to be all suspicious and constantly trying to see what my husband is up to and look into things to see if he’s telling me the truth, etc. I guess I look at it like if he is doing something hurtful, it will come to light and then I will handle it the way I need to.

Years ago, when I was insecure and coming from a place of lack, I “investigated” what my partner was up to. When I was always suspicious, it turned me into a person I didn’t like at all. But why would I have felt such a strong need to investigate what he was up to? Because I was so outcome dependent on him being faithful or a good guy. I needed to prove that he was to myself so I would be “okay”. And if he was doing something hurtful, I needed him to stop so I felt better about things. I still had so much to learn about myself and relationships back then.

While one can choose to believe what they wish to be true, they should also be cognizant of indictors that things might not be how they think they are. And how much you just want to believe what you want to be true is up to you.

I know for me, I want to be understanding and give people, especially my partner, the benefit of the doubt. I make note of things in my mind, but overall, I just let information come to me. I have complete confidence in myself that no matter what gets thrown my way, I will be okay. And if things go sideways, it’s preparing me for my next chapter, which will be better than the one I’m in, even if I can’t see it right away.

Do you think that we should believe what we wish to be true? Or do should we question more of what we see in our relationships?

It doesn’t matter where you were born or what kind of circumstances you were born into. What matters is what you choose to do with your life. You have the ability to chart your own path and course.

You are not your circumstances. Let your environment become a product of you, don’t settle of being a product of your environment you were born into.

You are greater than your circumstances:

If you truly want to do something, you will find a way. Your why is what propels your will to keep going, even when you feel like giving up. Your why is what fuels your determination. Staying disciplined to reach that goal is what will get you across the finish line.

When you start to doubt yourself, listen to this:

Everything in life has a price. And if you want the gains, you have to be willing to do the work.  What are you willing to do for the outcome you want? Is the grueling process it is going to take worth it to you?

Can you stay focused on the final destination, but embrace the journey? Because the journey is where you are going to learn what you are made of. This is where you are going to learn more about yourself than you every have before. Remember, the same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg.

Here is some motivation for you when you question whether or not the journey is worth it:

There are always going to be people who don’t see your value – just don’t let it be you. And your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

I’ve written a lot about self-worth and how other people see you. When we find ourselves constantly trying to prove our worth to someone, we need to look at ourselves and determine why we need this person to see us. Why are we dependent on someone else to make us feel seen and heard?

We often take how someone else treats us personally, which is understandable. But if we reminded ourselves of how often people cope by projecting onto us, we would learn to take how they choose to see us less personally.

You see, some people see others in a negative way to protect their own ego and sense of self-worth by attributing traits, feelings or actions that they don’t like about themselves onto someone else. For example, if a spouse is cheating on their partner, they may accuse their partner of being unfaithful, when there is no evidence of it.

If someone chooses to see you a certain way, that is their choice. They have that right. I’ve had people in my life who have been so committed to not understanding me. And there was a long period of time that I fought for them to get me because I just wanted them to see and hear me as I truly was. But they didn’t care to.

As heartbreaking as that was for me, I had to learn to let it go. Just because they don’t see my value or true intentions doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Remember, it is okay to stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love.  You can remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn’t matter, like your feelings are worthless or like your soul is replaceable.