People who hurt you and then flip it to make you the bad guy is crazymaking at its finest. These are the people who are magnificent gaslighters who can deflect and play the victim without blinking an eye.

Toxic people condition you to believe the problem isn’t the abuse itself, but instead your reactions to their abuse. And if you ask them to take accountability for what they did, they feel attacked. 

Here are some signs of a toxic person:

• You feel emotionally drained after interacting with them
• They try shame you or intimidate you to get their way. If that doesn’t work, they will use emotional blackmail.
• They attempt to control how you see them and the situation.
• They will exploit your weakness and attempt to control you by guilting you into doing things.
• Toxic people see themselves as victims and martyrs.
• When you ask them to be accountable for their own actions and behaviors, they feel attacked.
• They are super defensive and passive aggressive.
• You often feel manipulated, confused and that you often have to defend anything you do to a toxic person.
• They not only don’t respect your boundaries, but they are offended by you having them.
• Their everyday MO includes the dark art of gaslighting. If you point out anything they don’t like, they will convince you that it didn’t happen or that you’re imagining things.
• They perceive themselves as being the smartest person in the room or just overall superior to other people.
• Their tone is often condescending, and you are eager for the conversation with them to end.
• They have an entitled mentality and expect special treatment from others.
• A toxic person wants your compliance and for you to do exactly what they want or expect. The minute you set a limit with them; they completely lose it.
• They completely lack any kind of real empathy, although they are masters of faking it.
• They will exploit others for their personal gain.
• They speak to you in a bullying, demeaning, belittling tone and act like it’s completely normal.
• You just feel awful after interacting with them. You never feel seen or heard and there is absolutely no give and take in the relationship. Everything is one-sided and always in their favor.

So how do you handle these kinds of people? As tempting as it might be to just acquiesce and get them out of your hair as soon as possible, it is best to call out their toxic behavior immediately. Otherwise, it will just continue and get worse.

You have to set strong boundaries with these kinds of people. They have to know that you won’t tolerate their inappropriate, over the top behavior. Limit your time with these people until they change how they engage with you. As a last resort, you may need to cut these people out of your life. As heartbreaking as it can be when the toxic person is someone who you are close to, the more you tolerate their behavior, the more it will continue. And if you don’t take a stand, your self-respect will continue to suffer. Remember, they are choosing how to treat you. They can choose different. And there isn’t a single a single person on this planet who is entitled to treat you like shit.

True creativity requires you to let go of what you know and trust your own madness. The greatest artists, writer and musicians have stepped miles out of their comfort zones to create their art.

Up until around age five we don’t conform to societal norms. We learn a lot of that when we enter school. We learn how to stay in the lines when coloring and how to stay in our lane. But before that, the world is magical. We can do anything and be anything. Over time, conforming erodes our creative mind and we don’t even notice that it is happening to us.

By the time we are adults, we all want the American dream, right? To have a family, a decent paying job that can create financial stability, own our home, and send our kids off to college? We are content with taking a vacation or two every year. We do the same things pretty much year in and year out. And there’s nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you want. I know many people who are content with that.

But when you look at people who create, and who have achieved success, are they living that way? Are they the same as everyone else? Not in the same way.

Think about music. The best music is written from our darkest times. Being able to put words and melodies to those feelings and to create something that so many of us can relate to is magical. You can’t create that if you aren’t willing to dive deep into those feelings of despair and heartache. As a creator, you must be willing to go to a place where not many people are willing to go, to create something that resonates with a lot of people. And music impacts us so deeply, because deep down we have felt the same way, too.

I think back to a time when I was angry and felt like my world was out of control. And one day I heard Papercut by Linkin Park for the first time. Immediately, I felt like I could relate to the song. Most of the songs off their albums Hybrid Theory and Meteora I felt reflected so much of what I was feeling at the time. I was surrounded by music ever since I could walk, but nothing had ever resonated me as much as Chester screaming from those two albums. It was like they were my own words that described how I was feeling.

You see, as we get older and stay in the same old patterns and routines, we lose that spark of creativity that lives in all of us. We forget a lot of what we once wanted to be or create, and just want to stay in our lanes and continue “adulting”. Or doing what society says we should do.

But that flame inside us can be re-ignited. People have told me that at this point in their life, they don’t even know what they would do if they could create something. I say okay and I give them this list of questions to ask themselves:

• What did you love doing as a child?
• What are your happiest memories growing up?
• What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?
• What makes you forget to eat?
• What are you willing to stand up for?
• What are you willing to struggle for?
• What makes you forget about the world around you?
• What thoughts provoke strong emotions in your heart?
• What kinds of conversations do you have with the people closest to you?
• What do you feel passionate about?
• If you didn’t have to work a regular job, what would you do with your time?
• What’s on your bucket list?
• If you knew you only had one year to live, what would you do?
• How do you want to be remembered?

When saying this quote, Lucius Annaeus Seneca was saying that events that can lead to wisdom may come by chance, but to gain wisdom from the situation requires effort and intentionality.

Wisdom just doesn’t come through what we go through. We have to want to learn from it. When these things happen, we have to ask the universe, what you are trying to teach me? What do I need to learn?

Say you are walking down a dirt road and there is a huge pothole over the hill that you didn’t see immediately. You fall into it and twist your ankle. Your ankle hurts, but you get back up, dust off and continue on your way without giving thought to what may lie ahead.

A wise man experiences the same thing, but instead of just continuing ahead, mindlessly, he considers what he just experienced and tells himself there might be some potholes down this road that cannot be easily seen. This man will proceed with a measure of caution, knowing that something may be up ahead. You will encounter all kinds of experiences in life. And each experience can teach you something, if you want to learn.

There are many meanings associated with this quote and they all differ. How I interpret it is akin to the meaning behind you cannot serve from any empty vessel.

If you don’t nourish yourself and practice self-care, you won’t be well enough to stand up straight or have the strength you need for your daily life.

Some of us tend to over give. I used to be one of those people. I would put everything else ahead of my own wellness, convincing myself that I will take care of myself and my own needs when I have time. After spending days focusing on what everyone else needed, I would be too depleted to do things for myself. Then over time, I would feel resentful of others, when in reality, I was the one creating my own storm.

The problem is, there are always going to be things that can take up your time. You must prioritize and make the time for what is important to you. 

Ask yourself, are you prioritizing your own well-being? If not, what is one step you can take today to make yourself a priority?

When things get bad it can be hard to know that you will make it through it. But when you think about it, you have survived 100% of all that has happened to you. Those are pretty good odds that you will make it through, this, too.

When we feel uncertain, we tend to forget how resilient we are. Instead of focusing on external things that we cannot control, we need to turn inwards and trust in our own abilities to overcome what life throughs at us, and not only survive, but thrive because of it.

You see, a bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking. She isn’t dependent on the branch for her survival. Her trust lies in her own wings, rather than the branch. At the end of the day, that is all she has.

It is human nature to try to fix or control external things. We think that by doing so, we will be able to change the situation. It gives us a false sense of security. But since we don’t have complete control over it, circumstances can change quickly and without any notice.

Don’t be at the mercy of these external things. Everything that is happening around you is very real, and it might be downright terrifying. But you determine what you have faith in. Do you have faith in yourself to be resourceful and overcome? Or does your faith lie in something that you cannot control?

Don Henley said that sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge. In our society, we are cautioned not to burn bridges. And sometimes that makes sense. For example, in the professional world, it is best not to burn a bridge because you never know when you will cross paths again with those you burned.

We often stay stuck in relationships or situations that are emotionally draining and straight up toxic. At one time in my life, I didn’t like the idea of relationships ending on bad terms or endings being messy. And as a general rule, it is ideal to end most things on good terms. But there are some situations that are so unhealthy and soul-sucking, that you need to burn the bridge so there is no going back.

Sometimes the light from a burning bridge is what you need to illuminate your path ahead. Many times, you can’t see the other opportunities and options you have in front of you because you stayed in the dark for too long. Sometimes you must let go of what you have, to open new doors so you can get what you really deserve.

Often times we get stuck thinking about mistakes we’ve made. Maybe we feel shame or regret and the feeling is so strong, we allow it to define us. Maybe it’s penance we feel we must pay. But our mistakes are just experience, not who we are.

I’ve made some pretty big mistakes in my life. But when I look back, I feel grateful for having made them because of what I learned in the process. And believe me when I tell you that the price of many of my mistakes have been quite steep.

The truth is, good people make decisions to do bad things every day. And we all fall down sometimes. What matters is what we do when we get back up again. What matters is what we do with that experience.

Many people who have been successful talk about all the mistakes they made along their journey. Why is that? Because those were pivotal moments for them where they learned what not to do or what didn’t work. They didn’t say, “well I can’t do this whole entrepreneur thing because that clearly isn’t who I am because I keep making mistakes.” No, if anything, those mistakes fueled them to keep going, even if it meant making more mistakes. They didn’t define themselves by their mistakes. They knew their mistakes weren’t who they are.

Remember, we are not what happened to us or our decisions. They are things that happened to us or are things we did. They are not who we are.

Fear is an emotion that can paralyze us. We get scared about what we imagine might happen. 99% of what we fear never actually happens. Yet those odds don’t stop us from worrying about it.  Additionally, 80% of the choices we make are based on fear, not what we actually want. Some neuroscientists say that because humans can learn, think, and create fear in our own minds, we are the most fearful species.

Think about it like this. Worry is fueled by fear. And spending time worrying about something you cannot control is like making payments on a debt you will never owe. Would you make payments to a bank or someone every month for a debt you may never even owe? Of course you wouldn’t. So why allow your mind to be controlled by a worry that has a 1% chance of happening?

I think for many of us, continuing to worry or indulge in our fears protects our egos. It is in our nature to try to protect ourselves from anything outside the status quo. It is safer there. This is why we prefer to stay in our comfort zones. It’s such a lovely place, but nothing ever grows there. But remember, fear doesn’t stop death, it stops life.

Choose courage over comfort. Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid; courage means you don’t let fear stop you. Ask yourself, what fears are you living? What dreams do you want to start living?