Our thoughts can be our worst enemy. When we refuse to be open to new ways of thinking and ideas, we limit ourselves. We get so stuck in our own belief system and believing that we are right, that we prevent ourselves from expanding our knowledge.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that my favorite conversations are ones where I disagree with the other person’s perspective. I love those kinds of conversations because my own beliefs are challenged. I either gain a whole new perspective and see what I believe differently, or I improve my ability to express my beliefs effectively. In any case, it is always a win for me.  

The danger in not challenging our beliefs is getting stuck in confirmation bias. Our brains and egos naturally seek out data and information that validates what we already believe. We look for proof that what we believe is real. If we refuse to challenge ourselves and what we believe, we will constantly experience the same thoughts, beliefs and experiences.

Train yourself to be in a constant state of learning. When I think of the Star Wars universe, I think of the Jedi and how a Jedi’s training is never really over. They are always learning, even after the Padawan is knighted. Look at others and what they have to say as opportunities for you to learn new things.

Recently my husband and I got into a philosophical debate about whether we are living in a simulation. My initial feeling was that we weren’t. And I still don’t know how I feel about it but listening to his arguments as to why we could be, definitely got me thinking. And it has been on my mind ever since, which I love. I feel like that conversation challenged what I believe and I’m still thinking about it.

Here are some additional ways to overcome the same thinking and confirmation bias:

• Be aware of any biases you know you have. Seek out information or people that challenge those beliefs.

• What are the things you are defensive about? Sometimes defensiveness can be a form of commitment. When we have committed to a certain path and we will defend it to the end, even if it doesn’t make sense anymore.  This is the sunk cost fallacy.

• Remind yourself that you’re purpose here is to always be evolving. What you believed 10 years ago might not fit where you are in your journey today and that is completely okay.

• Get comfortable with disagreements. Seek out people who disagree with you. Actively listen to their point of view, with the intention of learning something from them.

• Ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask people what led them to believe something or why they feel the way that they do.

Isn’t it amazing how just listening to music or watching a movie can completely recharge you and help you approach a situation from a better place?

Music has always been something that helps my mind work through things, on an unconscious level. I thought about making a playlist for this post, but beauty of music is that different songs mean different things to people. It is going to be different for everyone and my list is uniquely suited to my tastes, just like yours is for you. Where I might take comfort in listening to Nirvana or Metallica others may find it depressing. Or some people might not like Breaking Benjamin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Led Zeppelin or David Bowie.

I remember growing up with my mom watching MTV when it still played music videos 24/7. I loved everything about the production of the music and the visual depiction of the video. My mom loved music and when I expressed interest in going to rock n roll concerts at age 11, she was more than happy to take me. Ever since, I have loved live music. Whether it’s having lunch in Lake Tahoe at Basecamp Pizza and listening to someone sing and play their guitar in the outside seating area or being at a massive venue, there is just something about the shared experience of live music that I love. So many people can experience the same thing, yet their experience is different because it is unique and personal to them. 

Nonetheless, music can bring us back in time, when things were simpler, and we didn’t have so many responsibilities. Or it can fuel us to overcome. I can’t tell you how many times when I have felt hopeless, just listening to certain music helped me change my mindset and approach to fixing the problems I had in my life. It has been such a lifeline for me.

What music is on your playlist? What about it resonates with you?

There are always going to be people who don’t see your value – just don’t let it be you. Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

I’ve written a lot about self-worth and how other people see you. When we find ourselves constantly trying to prove our worth to someone, we need to look at ourselves and determine why we need this person to see us. Why are we dependent on someone else to make us feel seen and heard?

I think some of us are vulnerable to becoming addicted to receiving inconsistent praise and affection from others. The inconsistency of it is what drives us. One minute it’s there and we feel elated and the next minute it gets stripped away. And we just want that person to see us favorably again. Numerous studies have shown how addictive inconsistent affection and praise can be and how we place a higher value on the affection and praise from that person because we see it as more meaningful.  Think about it in terms of attraction to someone. If a guy friend says something complimentary to you, it doesn’t mean as much as the guy who you have a crush on saying it to you. It’s the same compliment, you just value it differently.

For years I struggled with seeing my value. I also surrounded myself, unknowingly at the time, of people who were negative reinforcers of how poorly I saw myself. Their dominant presence in my life and how I allowed them to treat me solidified the negative things I believed about myself. Talk about confirmation bias!

Remember that your value isn’t determined by:

• How others value you
• What you look like or your age
• Whether or not you are in a relationship
• Number of friends you have
• Type of job you have
• Amount of money you make
• Whether or not someone else appreciates your kindness or help
• Social media likes and followers

All these things are temporary things that don’t reflect who you are and what you bring to the world.

Remember that you are valuable, important and have a right to be here just as you are. If you find yourself surrounded by people who are negative reinforcers, remove yourself from people who treat you like your time doesn’t matter, like your feelings are worthless or like your soul is replaceable.

There is a lot of science that talks about the connection of memory and time. And as humans, how we view past experiences are going to be unique to us. Often times, it is hard for us to remember exactly what was said to us or what was actually happening around us, but a memory of it is formed based on how it made us feel. And we can carry those things with us for a long time.

For example, when I was very young, the coast guard had to come out to rescue me and my family on a boat in Long Island Sound. I was three or four years old and my memory of it is so spotty, perhaps from the trauma of it. I didn’t grow up fearing the water after that. My mom insisted that when I learned how to walk, I would also learn how to swim because she was always afraid of me falling into the family pool by myself. In the summer I was always in the pool or lake.

What I do have now, though, is an anxiety about being out on the water. If I can see land from the boat, I am fine, if not, I feel a little nervous. I don’t even like the idea of flying over the ocean. The funny thing is, where we were in the sound where we were rescued, land was visible in the far distance.

I wish I could remember exactly what happened so I could feel less anxiety about it all, but those memories seem to be lost. I am just left with the feelings from it.

Sometimes we don’t remember things, not just because of time that has passed, but because to us, that moment in time meant something different to us. School bullies are such a great example. The bully at school will likely not remember what they did to you, like you do. You see, the axe forgets what the tree remembers.  

To the axe, it was just something they did in seconds and is relatively meaningless. But for the tree, the effect is devastating.

I’ve talked a lot about the law of attraction, confirmation bias and how when you believe something, signs are everywhere. When we believe something so strongly about ourselves and the world around us, it can prevent us from learning new things. If our ego is dependent on what we believe, that can be even more dangerous because a lot more is at stake.

Think about when you have a disagreement with someone. If they are convinced that they are right and keep defending themselves, how easy is it for them to take a step back and see your perspective? In my experience, there are just some people who won’t see where you are coming from because their ego is so invested in what they believe.

If you have trouble with challenging your own beliefs, make it your mission to seek out people who have different perspectives and experiences than you. Go into conversations with:

1. The objective to learn. Appreciate the value of diversity. See keeping an open mind as an asset and something that can help you. Have a curious heart that isn’t judgmental. Remind yourself that people are entitled to their own opinions and feelings on things and that they are just as valuable as yours, even when you don’t agree on something.

2. Be respectful and stay on topic, rather than get personal. Avoid generalizing about people, their intent and avoid personal insults.

3. Validate the other person’s view and focus on the things you do come together on. Have mutual respect for each other’s views and agree to disagree when necessary. Perhaps the only thing you can come together about is your passion about a particular issue.

Remember, we create our own limits. Our mind can be a prison, created by our own fears and insecurities. Our beliefs can be a buffer we create to protect ourselves from rejection and failure. But our minds can also be a place where we dare to look at things differently and learn so much more about ourselves and the world around us. The choice is ours.

It is human nature to get attached to certain outcomes. We are convinced that a specific outcome is what is truly meant to be. And in the process, we limit ourselves and potential for other opportunities. Sometimes the best thing that can happen is an unanswered prayer or not getting something we wanted. Perhaps by not getting it, we open the door to something greater for us.

 Rejection is just redirection. When this happens, we have to remember that if the door didn’t open for us, it wasn’t meant for us. There is something better that is uniquely suited for you down the road. We must trust the process and know that the universe is unfolding as it should.

Here are some things to remember about rejection:

• Rejection is just redirection and experience.
• Our journey teaches us more than our destination.
• We always end up where we need to be, right when we are meant to be there.
• Be brave and let go. Allow the universe to reveal its beautiful plan for you.
• Remember that life isn’t happening to you, it’s happening for you.
• There’s a reason for closed doors, unanswered prayers and blocked roads. If your plans aren’t working out right now, it’s because there are better things waiting for you.
• Doors will open for you when you least expect it.
• Be open to the world and all its possibilities. You never know when an opportunity will show up.
• Not getting what you want can be a blessing.
• You’ve overcome challenges before.
• There is always something to be thankful for.

Steve Jobs said “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” They trust their own madness. They refuse to give up. It doesn’t matter how many times their ideas are rejected, or their bank loan is denied. They find other ways to reach their goals.

What you believe about your own abilities is your only limit. If you have enough nerve to keep showing up and keep trying, anything is possible.

When you lose faith of what is possible, remind yourself of these people who kept on going, even when it felt impossible:

• Thomas Edison – He was told by his teachers that he was ‘too stupid to learn anything’. He went on to hold more than 1,000 patents, including the phonograph and practical electric lamp.

• Steven Spielberg – He was rejected twice by University of Southern California’s School of Cinematic Arts. He went on to win five Academy Awards.

• Albert Einstein – He didn’t speak until age four and couldn’t read until age seven. He was considered to be mentally handicapped. He not only changed the way we perceive physics; he won a Nobel Prize.

• Stephen King – His first book, Carrie, was rejected by publishers 30 times. Frustrated, he threw the manuscript into the trash. His wife retrieved it, asking him to try one more time. He did and it was his first book deal.

• Sylvester Stallone – He was rejected by talent scouts over 1,500 times. When he was writing Rocky, he was so broke he had to sell his dog to keep the electricity on.

• Oprah – She was told she was unfit for television and fired from her first job.

• Katy Perry – Her first album sold a mere 200 copies before the record label went out of business. After that she was dropped by two record labels. Ten years later she released I Kissed a Girl, and her career took off.

• Michael Jordan – He was cut from his high school basketball team for lack of talent.

• Howard Schultz – When developing Starbucks, he was turned down by banks 242 times.

• Walt Disney – His idea for a theme park was trashed 302 times.

Actions reveal what is really in a person’s heart and what they want to do. If their words don’t match their actions, the words they say are how they want to be perceived.

It is so important when building credibility in our relationships that our actions are consistent with what we say. Actions do speak louder than words. You can trust a person’s actions more than what they say.

Here are some things to remember when we want our actions to be consistent with our words:

• Telling someone you are sorry when you have wronged them is important. But what really shows someone that you are sorry is changing your behavior going forward.

• If you respect someone, be consistent with your body language. Don’t roll your eyes when they speak if you don’t agree with them. Don’t gossip about them behind their back and say that you respect them.

• When you are in a heated argument and you don’t want to scare your partner, don’t be scary. I’ve been around people who say they are insecure or scared themselves in the moment, but then they’ve acted scary towards me. If you don’t want to scare your partner, learn how to manage your emotions effectively so that your actions reflect how you say you feel.

• Don’t make commitments to someone unless you know you can keep them.