Most of us have been conditioned to believe that failure is a bad thing, and we try to avoid it at all costs. Sometimes we’ll go to great lengths to avoid experiencing failure in any form, even to the extent that we refuse to try at all, which is far more damaging than failure itself.

Have you ever berated yourself because you failed to do something well? Have you even personalized your failures and allowed them to skew your perception of yourself, as if failure is a character flaw that you will never be able to overcome?

It’s interesting to note that any person who has achieved great success would most likely tell you that they have a long string of failures in their past that finally led to their success. Most of them would also probably tell you that their success didn’t happen overnight, and they had to persevere through many false starts, fumbles, and mistakes to get where they are today.

Use these wise people as models and make a firm decision that you are going to turn failure into your friend by re-framing your perception of it. Think back on any failures that you have experienced in the past, and forgive yourself for not doing as well as you’d hoped. Remind yourself that you are not “a failure,” you are simply a person who has not been successful at everything you have ever attempted to achieve, and the same is true for every person on the planet.

Then decide that you are going to use your failures as stepping stones to success. When you attempt something that doesn’t work out, consider what you just learned from the experience. Did you gain some valuable insights from the experience? Can you use that knowledge to try again with a different approach? Do you now have greater clarity about what you really want? Remember, failure is an opportunity to gain invaluable experience.

Of course, it’s normal to feel a sense of disappointment when you miss the mark, but don’t allow yourself to get stuck in those feelings. Work through them, talk them out with a friend or a coach, and then pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Consider your next move. Does your goal need to be adjusted, or just your approach to it? Can you perhaps brush up on your skills, knowledge, or practice so that your next attempt has a higher chance of success?

Empower yourself to see the failure from a healthy perspective. Don’t make it a reflection on who you are as a person. Failure is never the end, it’s just one stepping stone along the path to success. It’s one approach, one attempt, one method that didn’t work out, but there are probably many others that can still work out great.

Finally, remind yourself daily that success is a direct result of trying and failing repeatedly until you find the way that works. Read stories about people who have achieved great success, and everything that they experienced along their journey. Decide that you are going to be one of those success stories, and that nothing is going to prevent you from achieving the success you deserve.

In Games of Thrones, Tywin Lannister tells his son Jaime, that a lion doesn’t concern itself with the opinion of sheep. He is mad that Ned Stark is still alive and when he asks Jaime why, Jaime tells him that it wouldn’t have been a clean kill. Tywin then tells Jaime that he spends too much time worrying about what other people think of him.

While it is natural to care about what others think of you, their opinion should never replace what you think of yourself. Here are some things to remember when you find yourself getting caught up in other people’s opinions of you:

• Not caring what other people think is the best choice you will ever make.
• What other people think of you is none of your business.
• Your life isn’t yours if you care about what others think.
• If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.
• Ignore people who think they know you better than you know yourself.
• If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner.
• What someone else thinks of you is an opinion, not a fact.
• Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.
• Caring about what others think of you is useless. Most people don’t even know what they think of themselves.
• The less you care about what others think, the better your life will become.
• Behind every successful person lies a pack of haters.
• People only throw shade on things that shine.

Throughout our lives, we develop certain coping mechanisms that help us feel safe and secure. Depending on your early life experiences, you may have learned that it was necessary for you to hide your feelings. Or perhaps even repress them completely, especially if you felt certain “unacceptable” emotions like anger or defensiveness. You may have developed a habit of ignoring problems because they were too intimidating, which only allowed them to get worse over time. Or maybe you took the opposite approach. Maybe you poured your energy into trying to blast through challenges without taking time to first consider the best course of action.

While these coping tools may have served you well in certain situations, they might actually be making things worse in other aspects of your life. Consider the most common ways that you usually react in difficult or uncomfortable situations. Do you often become angry and defensive, even when the situation doesn’t warrant such an extreme reaction? Do you feel like you need to hold your tongue rather than speaking up, even when your boundaries are being threatened? Do you try to avoid conflict to the degree that you allow people to take advantage of you?

Reacting to every situation in the same habitual way is like trying to use a hammer as the only tool in your toolbox. It will work great on some projects, but on others it can be ineffective at least, and destructive at worst. The good news is that no matter how long you have been relying on that hammer, you can still add more effective and empowering coping strategies to your mental health toolbox. This will strengthen your ability to speak and act more deliberately, rather than reacting blindly as you may have done in the past.

One of the most powerful tools in your toolbox will undoubtedly be the ability to mentally step back from a situation and assess it calmly. Whenever you are facing a situation that feels uncomfortable or scary, imagine stepping back from it mentally and emotionally. Place your hand on your upper abdomen, and imagine connecting with your inner stability and strength. Breathe deeply and try to feel more firmly grounded within your authentic self. From this place of inner calm, you will be able to choose the response or action that best suits the situation.

Your response might be to take a slow, deep breath and ignore a hurtful comment, or it might be to calmly and firmly voice your rebuttal. You might decide to finally distance yourself from a person who has proven to be toxic and combative. Or you might be able to look beneath the surface of a situation and recognize solutions that will satisfy everyone involved.

When you develop the habit of being more thoughtful and deliberate about the words you speak and the actions you take in each situation, it helps you to feel more empowered and in control of your life experiences and relationships. You may not be able to control what other people do or say, but you always have the power to decide how you will respond.

Do you try to resist change when it shows up in your life? It’s understandable that you might feel some resistance when facing negative or unwanted changes. But do you also try to resist even positive change, just because it feels too different or scary? Like many other people, you might prefer your life to be stable and predictable. When life throws an unexpected curve ball your way, suddenly it feels as if you’re standing on shaky ground, which might cause you to dig in your heels and resist the changes.

The problem is, the harder you fight against change, the worse you feel and the worse your situation will usually become. Resisting change can actually make your challenges more intense and complicated. Not only do you end up digging in your heels, you end up struggling at the bottom of a deep hole constructed from fear.

Every time you view change as threatening or scary, it actually projects negative expectations onto your future experiences. This not only makes you feel fearful in the moment, but it also makes it more likely that you will actually attract unpleasant outcomes through those changes.

But, if you can trust that all changes, good or bad, can still lead to positive outcomes, suddenly the whole process feels less scary. Perhaps change can lead to new opportunities. Learning to confidently embrace change requires a bit of trust, courage, and willingness to go with the flow.

A good first step is to begin building your trust in a loving universe that will support you in everything you need. Keep affirming to yourself, “Everything happens for my highest good, including this experience.” Stating your intention that good will come from the situation will help you to feel more optimistic as you face the uncertainty of change. It will also project a positive expectation into the energy mix, which can attract more beneficial outcomes.

Next, strengthen your courage by reminding yourself that you can handle whatever changes come your way. Build a mental image of yourself as strong, resilient, and adaptable. Remind yourself that you always have options available to you, no matter the circumstances. Practice seeing change as a field of endless opportunities that you can pick and choose from as you like. When you empower yourself in this way, the fear subsides, and you begin to feel excited about change and the good that will come from it.

Lastly, do your best to make peace with the fact that change is the only constant in life. Everything is in a constant state of change, including mountains, canyons, oceans, and yes, us humans as well. Resisting that truth is futile and will only lead to more pain and frustration.

If you choose to let go and practice flowing with life’s changes, your lack of inner resistance will soften the process. Change won’t seem so uncomfortable anymore. You may even be pleasantly surprised to discover that you are coming to enjoy the uncertainty of change because it feels exciting and interesting, rather than predictable and boring.  

In the book A Game of Thrones, when referring to the Lannisters, Ned’s feelings are described as “some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.” I think many of us can relate to this feeling. When someone has wronged or hurt us in an immeasurable way, any reminder of it can instantly re-open those wounds. How does one move on from a wound so deep?

Last year I wrote a post titled, If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you. It is one of the most viewed posts on our site and I think we all need to be reminded of it at times. To live a fulfilling life, we have to heal from what has hurt us in the past. Otherwise, all our unresolved issues will bleed into our current relationships, and we will seek resolutions to our past traumas. The problem is, we will never find the resolutions in our current relationships because they weren’t the cause of the trauma to begin with.

Sometimes, when a relationship has been shattered to pieces, the only way you may be able to heal from it is to remove the person who caused so much pain and heartbreak from your life. I believe that most wounds can be healed with time, but some just can’t. After thinking on it for some time and you determine that it can’t be fixed, it is best to acknowledge it, allow yourself to feel the loss and move on.

Are you dealing with some old wounds that haven’t fully healed? What steps can you take to begin to heal and give yourself the love and peace of mind you deserve?

The more time you spend holding onto someone who isn’t as committed to the relationship as you are, you lose yourself in the process. You find yourself focusing on whether you even mattered to them to begin with. Then, if you’re like me, you get yourself stuck in a vicious cycle trying to prove your worthiness to them. I can’t tell you how much time I spent in my younger years chasing after basic love and compassion in relationships. I talk about it in detail here. 

When you are focused on looking for validation externally, it’s hard not to give so much of yourself. It’s easy to think that if you give enough, or are enough, they’ll eventually begin to let you in and reciprocate your feelings. But the truth is, you are already enough. And if the person you are with can’t see that or appreciate that, then they aren’t a good fit for you.

I know this is all easy for me to say. I even tried telling my 20-year-old self this years ago, but it fell on deaf ears. I was stuck in the cycle of seeking inconsistent reward for the external validation I was so desperately craving. But as the saying goes, we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.

So, what are some tell-tale signs that your relationship has run its course?

1. How your partner acts. Actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to the discrepancy between their words and actions. If they tell you they love you but don’t show it by caring about your feelings, supporting you in day-to-day activities or being there for you when things aren’t going well, make note of that.

2. They avoid opening up to you and discussing problems. When a relationship is going well, partners usually want to share their insecurities, fears, and thoughts with each other. They’ll have long conversations discussing what they feel or think about certain issues when they come up. If your partner never wants to talk about problems when they arise, then they are not invested in the relationship enough to try to work it out.

3. Your lives seems separate. If your partner never wants you around when they’re apart from you–if they don’t want you in their social circle, for example–then this is a red flag that the relationship is over or will soon be over.

4. You are their go-to for comfort. Pay close attention to when your partner wants to spend time with you. Is it only when they are lonely? Or perhaps when they seem to have some kind of crisis or problem? Do you feel like they only want the perks of being in a relationship without having to support you when they are down? In a relationship that’s healthy, partners want to be with their loved ones because they love being with them and miss them when they’re not around. They also want to know what’s going on with you and how they can support you.

5. Not wanting to talk about the future. If your partner is unwilling to discuss what the future looks like, then do not expect a happy ending. If your partner sees a future with you, they are eager to talk about it. If they don’t see a future with you, they won’t want to talk about it because it will disrupt the dynamic as it is today.

6. You argue often. Fighting can mean many things. My husband and I fight. But we get over it pretty quickly and for the most part, we try to approach the conflict as a team. Sometimes, though, people will pick fights with their significant other, because there is a deeper issue they don’t want to address. It’s a passive aggressive way to distance themselves and feel justified about their deeper feelings.

If the six tell-tale signs above sound familiar to you, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. The truth is, if you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value. So, let’s talk about some ways you can improve your self-worth:

1. Spend some time alone. Take some time to yourself and be with your own thoughts. Being alone will help you learn more about who you are as a person so that you can know if this relationship is affecting you negatively or not.

2. Focus on your own happiness. What are things that bring you joy and make you feel recharged? What activities make you feel good about yourself? If you haven’t decided to end the relationship yet, spend more time doing the things you like to do.

3. Avoid looking at their social media. It’s easy to jump on Instagram or Snapchat when you are apart to see what your partner might be up to. When you do this, you become focused externally. And not only that, but your mood may also be affected by what you are seeing. If something shady is happening, it will be revealed. Trust that. Don’t get yourself all worked up about what he or she is doing, when it is more effective to focus on yourself.

4. Spend time with people who recharge you. For me, it is nourishing to my soul when I spend time with people who love me and appreciate me. I am so grateful to have these people in my life and I love that I can positively impact their life, too. People will inspire or drain you…choose those that inspire you more often.

The more time you spend focusing on building your self-worth, you will begin to see yourself differently. When you start seeing your own worth, you’ll find it harder to stay around people who don’t. And the truth is, you’ll be amazed at what you attract when you start believing in what you deserve.

Life is always going to throw us curveballs and we will experience hurt and suffering. And it is totally okay to spend some time with those feelings and take the time we need to process them. Where we tend to get stuck is when we focus only on the hurt and suffering.

Last year, I wrote a post about how misery loves company. People who stay stuck replaying pain and suffering become miserable. And how could they not become that way? When you replay things that re-open wounds over and over again, you are going to be unhappy.  

It is important to honor those feelings, though, but don’t let them take up permanent residency in your heart. At some point, you need to take all the energy you’ve given to those emotions and think about what you have learned. This can be a huge opportunity for growth.

The truth is the lessons we learn along every journey – good or bad – are what shapes us.

Evan Carmichael talks about how his purpose comes from his pain and how you can take your pain and help others.

I had a laugh when I picked out this quote for today’s post. I often pick more serious quotes. But one, who doesn’t love Scooby Doo? And two, well, there is actually some wisdom in this quote.

In Scooby Doo, Scooby and Shaggy are often persuaded into doing things with the rest of the gang by receiving Scooby snacks. There is usually some danger ahead and they are scared to go, but they can easily be convinced with food.

When my brother and I were kids, we would play this silly game. We’d ask each other if we would do X for a million dollars or some crazy sum of money. We’d go back and forth for what seemed like an hour. As we came up with outrageous and sometimes pretty disgusting things, we’d be laughing nonstop. Even as adults, at the most inappropriate time, we will sometimes ask the other, “hey, would you do it for a million dollars?” and we get a good laugh.

We all have a price. Or at least a scenario or situation that we would consider doing something we normally wouldn’t do for. And as silly as it is, I think understanding what circumstances we would consider doing something in, is important.

For example, my husband and I have recently started talking about moving out of state. The real estate market is crazy right now, but we are sick of being where we are and are ready for a change. So, for us, we’ve already started sketching out a move to a few locations that we are willing to take a chance on. But we’re also defining what we would need to feel okay about taking the risk in an unstable real estate market. That might look like having X amount of money in the bank, having all our expenses for a year paid already or making sure we don’t have any lingering debt, etc. In our minds, we will move to another state, if we can make sure our financial concerns are mitigated according to what makes us safe in taking the risk.

I tend to approach my business dealings in a similar way. After listening to someone’s concerns and why they want to say no, I will ask them to think about what would make them want to say yes and I tell them everything is on the table. I ask them what they would need to know that this is a beneficial deal for them, too. Then it is just a matter of negotiating so both parties are happy and excited about the deal.

Do you know what situations you would be willing to get out of your comfort zone for? What would you do for a Scooby snack?