We all face sorrows. In fact, grief seeps into many moments of our lives. Strangely, as common as grief is, many of us feel tempted to squash those feelings. Too many times our desire to stay strong makes us weaker.

Let’s try to release those feelings instead. In doing so, we’ll lighten our load. All that water we hold will drown us otherwise.

Understanding Trauma

Sadness comes in many forms. If we don’t get what we want, we may feel disappointment. For some disappointments we may also feel discouraged.

But deeper losses can overwhelm us with grief. This kind of trauma can linger long after the event. The longer such trauma endures, the greater we suffer. This is what causes post-traumatic stress disorder.

Let’s dig into trauma a little deeper.

Dr. Judith Herman wrote the book Trauma and Recovery in 1992. She described the helplessness victims of trauma feel.

“Traumatic events overwhelm the ordinary systems of care that give people a sense of control, connection, and meaning.”

Her description helps us understand the immense weight we all feel when we grieve. They help us see the need for release.

The Five Stages of Grief

We have often discussed how people cope with grief. In fact, this concept is central to making your mindset better. As we navigate the different stages, we reduce our suffering. Let’s quickly recap those.

Denial

We deceive ourselves in this stage. The pain and sorrow prevent us from seeing the truth of a situation. Denial is helpful and necessary as long as it is temporary. In the moment, denying the reality enables us to unconsciously process our grief. That allows us to move on to the next stage as we accept the reality.

However, when we cling to our sense of denial, we add to our suffering.

Anger

Our emotions feel so raw in this stage. Let’s look back to Dr. Herman’s description of trauma. This anger may result from our feeling of loss of control. We may also feel that this trauma is unjust or unfair. Overcoming anger helps exhaust our emotional response. This enables us to move on to the next stage.

However, when we cling to our sense of anger, we grow more bitter.

Bargaining

Our need to restore our sense of control leads to bargaining. We want to change the situation. Often this comes in prayers or talking through the sorrow we feel. We swear we will do things different, if only this trauma can be taken away. As we bargain, we further process our grief. It also leads to acceptance and the next stage.

However, the more we try to bargain the more we stay stuck in our grief.

Depression

At this point, we finally feel the fullness of our sorrow. Denial failed us. Our anger faded, but the pain endured. Our what ifs led us back to the reality of our pain. And it hurts us so much. Depression is the point at which we feel the full weight of our sadness. This stage in many ways is what prompts the saying: “Cry. Let that water go. You were drowning.” It is that release that allows us to feel relief from these sorrows.

This is the final step before we accept what happened. As such, it is where people get stuck. We may prefer the feeling of depression. Oftentimes at this stage our friends rally to us. And their comfort and support can feel so good we don’t want to let go of our grief. We’ll go into how to avoid this trap in a moment.

Acceptance

This is the final stage. Accepting does not mean you no longer feel sorrow. In fact, accepting grief allows us to integrate our trauma. This lets us grow from the experience. I like to look at it this way. We remain in our sorrow for as long as it takes to learn the lesson from it.

How do we overcome the effects of grief while we go through the stages? Let’s take a look at some ideas.

Strategies for Coping

Obviously, we have a strategy we can use. Our saying today describes one. Crying allows us to release emotions. But there are other ways which may prove more effective. It all depends on the circumstances of our grief. These though tend to help me cope the most.

Talking to a Friend or Therapist

I find myself talking to problems all the time. If you’re like me, you will go over things while doing something else. This mimics the process our minds use to process emotions. This is also why talk therapy is so effective.

As we talk about our situation, our feelings surface. As we get in touch with our feelings, we can process them. Friends will often give us non-judgmental support. But our emotional connection to them may make us feel reluctant to open up. We still fear being judged by them. That fear tends to make us guarded. This is where therapists help us.

Regardless, finding someone to talk to enables us to overcome our grief.

Journaling

Three things make journaling useful to process sorrow. First, like talking to a friend or therapist, journaling helps us surface our feelings.

Second, a journal serves as a record of our progress. We can look back and see how we have coped to this point. That progression provides so much encouragement.

Third, a journal helps us connect different emotions. Oftentimes we are unaware of these connections. Journaling helps us see the way one emotion affects other feelings.

Focusing on Physical Health

Exercise does us so much good. In fact, if exercise was a pill, we’d all take it. It helps control blood pressure and blood sugar. Likewise, it helps us regulate our emotions. And this is what makes this so effective to help us cope with grief.

Part of this is physiological. As we exercise, our blood carries more oxygen to our muscles. It also brings more blood to our brains. And that helps us cognitively process our feelings.

Moreover, exercising has a psychological effect. We show ourselves that we are worthy of self-care. Acknowledging that enables us to care for ourselves in other ways.

Finding Meaning in Suffering

Viktor Frankl wrote a book that changed the way people looked at trauma. He was a Holocaust survivor. And after his experience, he wrote Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl’s idea was that we could endure any trauma if we found meaning in it. Discovering that meaning aids our integration of trauma.

Concluding Thoughts

As we face sorrow, we can become overwhelmed. Thankfully, we can overcome that feeling. Remember that the five stages are just that. Steps on a path to help us accept a trauma in our life.

Likewise, these coping mechanisms are part of that process. Find which ones work best for you. More than that, be patient. We go through these steps in order to learn something. That may take weeks or months or years.

Finally, remember that some emotions can’t be expressed in words. And when they flood us, the best strategy might just be this. Cry. Let that water go. You were drowning.

In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke remarks that raising his X-Wing out of the swamp is different from using the force to move stones around. Yoda says, “No! No different! You must unlearn what you have learned!” He then tells him that it is only different in his mind.

Our minds are our greatest asset and greatest enemy. When we believe something so strongly about ourselves and the world around us, it can prevent us from learning new things. If our ego is dependent on what we believe, that can be even more dangerous because a lot more is at stake.

For Luke, he doesn’t believe he can raise his X-Wing out of the swamp. He tries, but he can’t do it. His belief gets in the way of him learning that he is capable of accomplishing things he hasn’t been able to do before. 

Unlearning what we have learned is how we break down our biases, thoughts, and attitudes that ultimately hold us back. The problem is we often do not realize we have these limiting beliefs.

It’s important to understand where your thoughts come from. Ask yourself if your thoughts support your mental health, and if they align with the life you want. These are not easy questions to ask yourself, but they are necessary if you want to understand yourself and grow.

In order to unlearn, you must first be curious about yourself and the world around you. Unlearning is not only about interest in gaining knowledge but the ability to question the knowledge you believe you already have. When you do this, you open up space for new ways of living, thinking, and interacting with the world.

There is more than meets the eye in the world and in every situation. And if you’re curious enough, you will get to experience it. There are profound changes that happen within when you challenge yourself and what you have learned.

Here are five ways unlearning what you have learned can benefit you:

You become more creative.

Unlearning means connecting to your true self, where your creativity lives. When you get to this place, imagination has no bounds, and you’re able to share it in a way that inspires change and passion in others.

You grow effortlessly.

Unlearning is about changing your mindset from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Growth mindsets are all about looking within to expand. You don’t allow outside pressure to dictate how you live your life but instead find a balance between the inner and outer worlds to help you develop healthy relationships with yourself and others.

You expand your perspective.

Life is not white or black. Most of life lies within the grey area, which is the area we want to explore to understand the world and humanity more deeply. Unlearning means seeing things in a new light and discovering new ways to solve problems.

You connect with others.

Unlearning unleashes some vulnerability, which helps you connect more authentically with the people in your life. When you get rid of the limiting beliefs, you are able to expand your connections with others in ways you might never have imagined.

You begin to heal.

Perhaps the most powerful aspect of unlearning is the result of self-healing. Being curious about what happens within you is the first step to healing. It can be painful because change is never easy, but it is worth it. When you change and grow, you don’t have to feel the same ways you once did. You can find better ways to view your challenges.

When someone tells you something is impossible, don’t take it personally. They either don’t want to see you succeed or don’t think it would be possible for them. They are projecting their own insecurities onto you, which is why you can’t take unsupportive words to heart. It says a lot more about their limiting beliefs about themselves than you.

When you set big goals, you are challenging any limiting beliefs you have. You are taking a chance on yourself even if it seems scary. That is commendable. The thing about taking chances is it moves you forward. Even if you fail, you will still have moved closer to what you want. The universe works in mysterious ways. But one thing is for sure, those who try and try again are greatly rewarded over those who don’t try at all!

If you have those types of naysayers in your life, or negative reinforcers, as I like to call them, remember these things:

Keep your head up.

Don’t forget why you want what you want. Your “why” should be strong enough never to lose conviction. Remember that the opinions and attitudes of other people do not reflect your beliefs. It can be hard when someone doesn’t believe in you, but it can drive you to go that much harder. If they don’t pick you up when you fall and instead laugh at you, they will become a blockade to your success– if you let them. They can doubt you all you want, but you must believe in yourself.

Don’t overthink it.

Over-analyzing other people’s thoughts is time-consuming. The only opinions you need to focus on are your own. Exhausting your mind by being concerned with what other people think and say will waste your precious time focusing on their life instead of your own.

Don’t wait for approval.

Don’t wait for approval to go after your dreams. Take the motivation and determination you feel and go forward into the unknown and see where it takes you.

Resist the negativity.

If someone in your life can’t accept that you are trying something, even though it may be scary and challenging, communicate with them that you are no longer interested in discussing the matter with them. If they don’t respect that boundary, let them know that you will need to distance yourself from them if they can’t support you. Your dreams and goals come first. Make it clear that you need positive people around you, and if they cannot be a positive influence in your life, then the relationship will not be healthy for you.

Have you ever gotten your hopes up and made elaborate plans only to end up disappointed?

Maybe you expected to go to a certain college and bought all its merchandise, only to be rejected in the end.

Or you planned to marry your high school sweetheart with whom you planned an entire destination wedding, only to break up with him a year later.

Life is unpredictable and anything can happen, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it’s important is to remember not to count your chickens before they hatch.

This common phrase reminds us that you shouldn’t get your hopes up or make plans based only on assumptions because that can lead to disappointment.

But why is it unwise to count your chickens before they hatch?

The Future Can’t Be Predicted

We tend to believe that we can plan, or at least prepare for, our lives. However, the reality is that no matter how much you plan and prep, anything can happen in the future. Change is the only constant. Life is unpredictable, and a sudden turn of events can change everything. In fact, 2020 was a testament to this. While this can be seen as a source of fear, it can also be a source of optimism!

Something Better Might Happen

Who says that things have to go wrong in the future? Maybe something even better than what you expect or hope happens, but you would have already prepared for what you had planned for.

For example, let’s say you were expecting a promotion at work. You were extremely excited, and you bought a new house in the area. However, a week later, you get an even better offer with double the salary at another company across the city. Sometimes over-planning can hold you back from something much more amazing than you expected!

Your Sense of Failure

Expecting things to go a certain way can often set you up for disappointment, affecting your internal sense of self-worth. Often, when things don’t go the way we plan, we feel like we have failed. Maybe you don’t get into the dream college you planned for your entire life, or you didn’t get that particular job. Although important, these things don’t determine how good your life can be. Afterall, there is no one way to live life. You may go to a different college where you meet your soulmate or discover a whole new career that lights your soul on fire.

But, by overplanning and putting too much pressure on the way things “should” be, when life goes another way, you can end up feeling like you failed. That can cause a dip in motivation, which can hold you back from the other wonderful options there were in life.

Instead of counting your chickens before they hatch, set realistic expectations. No matter how hard you try, remember that it’s impossible to control outcomes or other people’s actions. You can only control yourself.

Remember to keep a flexible mindset. When things don’t go your way, find the silver-lining. Assume that something better is around the corner! When you expect something better, it most likely will appear! But if you give up and let yourself feel weighed down by disappointment, you may be blind to all the golden opportunities right in front of you.

In the 1993 movie Cool Runnings, Derice asks his coach why he cheated. And his coach (played by the late great John Candy) replies that he made winning his whole life and when you do that, you have to keep on winning no matter what. Derice tells him that he doesn’t understand because he “had it all”, including two gold metals. His coach shakes his head and says, “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”

We all have big dreams and goals. We imagine the house, the spouse, the car and the adventures we want to take someday. But often times, people believe that they won’t be good enough until they achieve those things. And if that’s how you view yourself now, winning won’t change that. You will still look to the next milestone, believing where you are at now isn’t good enough. That YOU are not good enough. But the truth is, you are good enough right now, just as you are.

People will sacrifice everything to achieve their goals, including friends, family, and happiness. But there is a balance when it comes to winning and losing. Winning is great, but you have to enjoy the journey to success.

If you want success and the wins to be euphoric, you need to be able to accept yourself and love yourself as you exist now. You are more than enough as you stand here today. You will only continue to become better and better. That is the mindset you need to adopt in order to feel accomplished when you reach your next milestone.

You hear the saying, “Money can’t buy happiness.” If you aren’t happy without the money, I promise you, you won’t be happy when you have it. At first you might feel happy, but those feelings will fade away.

If your dreams are big and you feel like you aren’t good enough now, it’s time work on how you feel about your worth.

Here are five ways you can start loving yourself, while growing into the version of yourself you want to become:

1. Kick fear in the butt. Fear, especially fear of what others think of you, will stand in between you and everything you’ve ever wanted. Be willing to go outside your comfort zone and find new ways to overcome challenges. Reflect on the feedback you receive and continue moving forward.

2. Admit your mistakes. Admitting your mistakes mean that you’re okay with making them. Not recognizing when you’ve made a mistake leads to avoiding learning, shaming yourself in private, and deflecting blame, leading to unhealthy relationships. Remember, we are all human, and mistakes are there to help us learn and grow. Mistakes are experience and our greatest teacher.

3. Applaud yourself. It’s easy to look in the mirror and count all of your flaws and listen to all of your insecurities. But how often do you applaud yourself for your strengths and successes? If you’re going to acknowledge your weaknesses, don’t forget to acknowledge your strengths too.

4. Accept that life is hard. Challenges will always present themselves no matter your age, gender, location, or level of success. It’s a part of life, and the goal is to grow through our challenges instead of shy away from them.

5. Curate your inner circle. They say you are the accumulation of the five people you spend the most time with. Make sure the people you spend the most time with have high self-esteem, are supportive, and have goals just like you do. If you keep negative people around who don’t have goals in life, they will hold you back.

How often have you had to face someone hurting you, for seemingly no fault of yours?

Whether it is the bully in school, a close friend who suddenly lashes out at you, or the belligerently competitive coworker who seems to have a life-long grudge against you, sometimes people hurt us for what appears to be no reason.

In that situation it can be easy to feel hurt, perhaps even angry, and possibly fight back. If gone unchecked for a while, you might start to build your own reserve of resentment towards this person.

However, it’s important to understand why this happens in the first place. Most often, people who hurt others are hurting themselves. Remember, hurt people hurt people.

Why Hurt People Hurt Others

Distraction

When someone is hurt and in pain, they often try to distract themselves from their suffering. One way to do this is to hurt others around them. This way, they can focus their mind on hurting you, rather than facing their own reality.

Reflection

Many times, the way someone hurts you is actually a reflection of how they feel hurt, too. For example, if a friend passes an insulting comment, like saying you aren’t pretty enough, they may be insecure about their own looks. Maybe someone told them that they weren’t pretty or beautiful enough. Maybe they were rejected by a partner for not reaching some standard.

Someone reflecting their pain onto others can be less obvious, too. For example, maybe your boss feels swamped by her husband and her children’s demands, and feels like she has no control at home. So, when she comes to work, she micromanages you or is a bit abrasive. Her controlling nature in the workplace can reflect the pain she feels at home.

Self-Judgment

We all have shadow selves. Our shadow self is a part of ourselves that we have rejected. This usually happens in our childhood, when we are told that we should behave in a certain way. Imagine a boisterous child, who is loud by nature. Let’s say this child was told by their parents that it’s good to be quiet, and whenever they were too loud, they were punished. This child will now suppress the loud part of their personality, which is their shadow self. As an adult, they will tend to judge others who are loud, perhaps labelling them as ‘obnoxious’, because they are judging a part of themselves that they have forsaken.

It’s Familiar

People who have experienced abusive behavior in their past, especially in their families while growing up, can tend to hurt those they love, because this is what they know. They are simply replicating their own lived experiences. Because of their past, they might have a deep subconscious belief that loved ones hurt each other, and that’s why they hurt you, as well.

Remember, often the people who hurt others are in pain themselves. When this happens to you, choose to respond, rather than react. Pause for a minute, breathe, and respond with love. When you realize that the person hurting you is often in pain themselves, it’s a lot easier to show empathy and treat them kindly, regardless of how they treat you. It might be difficult, but choose to forgive, because that’s the only way to break the cycle of hurt and pain and free both you and the other person.

When we are kids we learn behaviors from those around us. In 1984’s The Karate Kid, the protagonist, Daniel LaRusso has been attacked by Johnny and his friends from Cobra Kai. Mr. Miyagi saves Daniel-san by fighting off all the boys. Mr. Miyagi says that the boys have a bad attitude and that karate is for defense only. Daniel replies that the boys in Cobra Kai aren’t taught that…Which leads to Mr. Miyagi announcing that there is no such thing as a bad student, only bad teacher. It is after this incident and talk, that Mr. Miyagi and Daniel visit Kreese at Cobra Kai and agree that there will be no more fighting. That they will save it for the All Valley Karate Tournament – and Mr. Miyagi will train Daniel.   

If you were taught that the sky isn’t blue, it is really purple, you would grow up believing that the sky is purple. When you only learn one thing, and you don’t have differing perspectives or information as a kid, there is little to challenge the beliefs that you had.

When I was a kid, shouting was normal in our household. We all yelled at each other, and I grew up believing that all relationships entailed shouting when emotions got high. I had to seriously unlearn what I had learned (thanks, Master Yoda). When I realized that it wasn’t really productive or helpful, I was forced to change how I deal with overwhelming emotions.

In the case of Cobra Kai, Kreese is a horrible sensei. He is vicious and ruthless and expects no less from his students on the mat. He’s famous for saying, “No mercy!” when it comes to how you should treat your opponent.

What is a good teacher? A good teacher knows that each student learns differently, and they make the time to help each one individually. They give clear explanations and encourage their students to be curious and interested in the subject to do some investigating for themselves. They don’t teach their student what to think, they teach them how to think critically. A good teacher will set high, but attainable standards for their students and give constructive criticism when necessary.

Have you ever met someone who is wealthy, yet they don’t seem satisfied? Even as they acquire more things, they just don’t seem happy.

We often get caught up in the race of wanting more. It’s like the quote from the book Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk – “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.”

First, we just want a job. Then, we want a promotion. Then, that doesn’t seem enough either. It feels like no matter how much we get, we end up wanting more. This is known as hedonic adaptation. This is the theory that says people return to their baseline level of happiness, regardless of what happens to them. What that means is that if you become the world’s richest person tomorrow, after the novelty wears off, you’ll eventually return to the same level of happiness that you are at right now – be it overfilled with joy and gratitude or misery.

On the other hand, we see people who can barely afford to eat three meals a day seem to be happier than the extremely rich. Why? Because they enjoy to the fullest whatever little they have.

You see, true wealth isn’t about how much you have. It’s about how much you can enjoy what you do have.

Rich Doesn’t Only Mean Money

Being rich doesn’t only mean you have a lot of money. You can be rich in knowledge, relationships, love, experiences, joy, or wisdom. So, when you are rich in just money, but lack passion, fun, or any other dimensions that make life truly rich, then you aren’t rich. You just have a lot of money.

You might have a big house and a fancy car. You can have millions of dollars in the bank. However, if you have no passion, no source of joy, or nobody to enjoy your money with, your life will feel empty.

What’s the point of piles of money if you can’t enjoy it? How can you truly be rich? Whether you have money or not, you can be rich. And here is how.

Be Present

You need to be present to enjoy what you have. Stop and pay attention to whatever you have. We are so often caught up in all the thoughts that are running through our minds, the worries of yesterday and the anxieties of tomorrow, that we forget to appreciate the present moment. Make it a habit to slow down and count your blessings, so that you can truly enjoy everything you have.

Stop Comparing

You can’t appreciate what you have when you constantly compare yourself to other people. When you scroll on social media and compare your car to someone’s fancier car, your Friday night to someone’s weekend vacation, and your cute but messy kitchen to someone else’s marble-floored glamorous kitchen, it can feel like you have nothing good. But that’s not true. You can enjoy everything you have as much, or even more, than what they can. The cost or fanciness of something isn’t what makes you happy; it’s how much you can enjoy it. So, ditch the comparison, and enjoy what you do have.

Prioritize

Identify what makes you happiest in your life, including both material items and intangible things. For example, maybe you don’t care for cars, but you love collecting first edition old books. When you know this, you can spend more of your money on what brings you joy. Additionally, you might realize you love spending time with your family, even more than traveling. So, you can spend your time (and money) on creating beautiful experiences with your family, rather than booking luxurious vacations. By prioritizing what brings you joy, it’s a lot easier to be intentional about spending on the things that bring you happiness.

Remember, being rich isn’t about how much money you have. It is about how you choose to live your life, how grateful you are, and how intentional you are with what you spend your time, money, and energy on. To be rich, enjoy what you have, both the material and the immaterial. Whether it is a luxurious car or just a beautiful sunset, enjoy each to the fullest, because that is what truly makes for a beautiful, rich life.