Deep down inside of you dwells a genius. A being that is so wise and loving and brilliant that you almost wouldn’t recognize it as being part of yourself. While the limited physical aspect of you might often feel overwhelmed by self-doubt and uncertainty, this inner genius always knows the best step to take next, and always knows the easiest solutions to every problem.

Are you in touch with this inner genius? Or do you more often try to struggle your way through problems and challenges, feeling lost and confused most of the time? This inner genius is your soul, your spirit, your inner light, the part of you who is always connected to the universe. Like most other people, you probably do not consult this inner part of yourself nearly as much as you could. And even when it speaks spontaneously to you, you might doubt or ignore the message.

It’s helpful to remember that the human mind is meant to be a problem-solver. It is designed to pinpoint potential sources of danger and trouble, and fixate on them until a solution is devised. At times, this can be helpful and even life-saving. But at other times, you can become so fixated on the problem that you are literally blind to the solutions.

However, your inner genius has the ability to see far beyond your present problems and challenges. Since it is connected to all-that-is, it can see the bigger picture of your life. It can offer much more effective, simple solutions than your problem-oriented human mind can perceive. If you will start consulting your brilliant inner self more of the time and get your logical mind out of the way, your intuition will begin to speak to you and guide you.

Here’s how to begin: set aside a few minutes each day to quiet your mind, breathe deeply, and ask a question of your inner self. It can be related to a challenge you’re struggling with right now, or you can even ask an open-ended question like, “What can I do to bring more meaning and joy into my life?”

After asking your question, sit quietly for several minutes and imagine keeping your energy open and your mind as quiet as possible. Thoughts may still flow through, but just allow them to pass by without actively focusing on any one of them. This may take some practice, but it will get easier over time.

Your answers might come in the form of feelings, ideas, mental images, a few words or a short phrase floating through your mind. If nothing comes to mind right away, just trust that the answers will come to you with perfect timing later.

The more you practice being open and receptive to your intuition, the more actively it will engage with you. It will begin calling things to your attention, sometimes even before you ask, and sometimes even before you realize that there is a problem in need of a solution. You will enter into an effortless flow of good ideas and clear gut feelings that lead you to the most beneficial actions. It will help you to avoid potential problems that are often caused by overthinking and hasty decision-making.

At the end of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Dumbledore tallies up all the points each House has received throughout the year to win the House Cup. Gryffindor is in last place until Dumbledore issues some last minute points that have been awarded to Harry, Ron and Hermione, due to “recent events” that he feels must be taken into account. This makes them tied with Slytherin for the House Cup. But then Dumbledore says, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies. But a great deal more to stand up to your friends” and awards 10 points to Neville Longbottom, making Gryffindor House the winner of the House Cup.  

Dumbledore’s wisdom holds true. It is much easier to stand up to people who you don’t like or who disagree with you. But it takes more bravery to stand up to the people you love.

Think about times you wanted to confront a friend or family member about something they were doing that you felt was destructive or wrong. Sometimes it’s hard to muster the courage to have those difficult conversations because there is so much more at stake should things go sideways.

While it’s understandable that you would avoid having the tough conversations, you might want to reconsider. Think about it like this. Say for example, you are concerned with a friend’s drinking and them engaging in risky behaviors while intoxicated. It causes you great worry, but you choose to remain silent because you don’t want to hurt their feelings or offend them. But then one day they get into car accident and hurt themselves and others because they were under the influence.

Now obviously, it isn’t your fault that this happened. People make bad choices all the time and they are responsible for those choices. And there’s a good chance that even if you did have a conversation with them about their drinking, they may have still made the choice to drive while intoxicated. But will it weigh on your conscience afterwards that maybe what you would have had to say about it would have made a difference? Only you can answer that.

In the past, I avoided having the tough conversations because I didn’t want conflict or to hurt someone’s feelings. And it weighed on my heavily and ate me up inside at times. Remember, if you avoid the conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.

Now, having experienced what happens when you don’t speak up, I handle things differently. I’m not at all afraid to have honest, tough conversations. And people know that they can count on me to be the one who will just say what other people are thinking or speak an unpleasant truth if it needs to be said. And my reasoning behind being this way now is that I see these conversations as an opportunity for me to strengthen my relationships with the people I care about it. I go about it in a validating and affirming way, but I will say what needs to be said. And through the years, the people in my life have trusted me more and opened up to me because I am honest and up front.

Are there people you are close to that you feel you need to stand up to?

Last week I wrote a post where I talked about my love for Autumn and how this season shows people how beautiful it can be to let go of things. As a New Englander, I will always smile at the bright hues of the leaves falling and be energized by their smell.

For me, there are two feelings that this quote invokes. One, I think of how the four seasons in a year is a metaphor in one of Shakespeare’s sonnets. He equates it to the stages in a man’s life. Autumn in this case would be a man entering his middle years. Even though the seasons are cyclical, in Shakespeare’s sonnet, the man’s life is linear.

Two, I love the idea of this quote meaning that we should trust the process. Everything in our life, like the four seasons, is cyclical. Don’t grasp so tightly on things that you are meant to shed to get to the next chapter of your life. Trust the process that what you lose, will come back to you if it is meant to. The trees trust that the leaves will come back and be beautiful again. They don’t have to fret about not having them again. They trust and believe in their cyclical process.

What is Trusting the Process?

Trusting the process means to let go of trying to control everything and having faith that everything will work out okay in the end. It means remaining committed to something even if things aren’t working the way you want them to and you feel like quitting. It’s not an easy thing to do, either. Our brains are wired to expect to see results quickly.

3 Ways to Trust the Process

Here are three ways you can begin to use to trust the process.

1. Focus on what you can control. One, there are few things in life we have complete control over. And two, even when we seem to do everything right, other circumstances may wreak havoc on our plans. I’ve seen this with weight loss. I can eat healthy, exercise, get good sleep and hydrate well and still hit a speed bump. It’s so frustrating! And it’s easy to become discouraged and I have been on many occasions. But when you trust the process and keep going, you will make progress – it just might not be as immediate as you’d like it to be. 

2. Understand that failure is just experience. I always say this and it is true. While you are trying to achieve anything in life, you are going to have some failure. And that is okay! It is a necessary part to the process. Failure teaches us more than success ever will. I often say, if you aren’t failing, you aren’t really trying.

3. Enjoy the process. As humans, we often proclaim that we will be so happy when X happens. And X can be when I lose 20 pounds, when I have X amount of money saved in the bank, when I meet my future spouse, etc. When we do that, we miss out on experiencing and appreciating where we are in the present. Trusting the process can feel scary at first…But remember, difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.

When your interactions with another person are having a negative impact on your life, it’s so tempting to fight back and defend yourself. At first you might try to reason with them and get them to see things from your perspective and explain why their behavior upsets you. If that doesn’t work, you might become more blunt with your language and tell them that their behavior is unacceptable.

This direct approach will often work with people who were simply unaware that their words or actions were making you uncomfortable. But if it’s a truly toxic personality that you’re dealing with, they may be too self-absorbed to hear you. They simply can’t see that their behavior keeps pushing everyone else away from them.

Common examples of toxic personalities might be people who always take and never give; people who constantly demand more of your time and energy no matter how much you give them; people who don’t appreciate the time, energy, and help that you have given them in the past; people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and blame you or others for their troubles; and people who refuse to respect your boundaries, even when you clearly define them. Earlier this year, I wrote a lengthy post about toxic people that you can check out here. 

Trying to have healthy relationships with toxic people is a futile pursuit because they have no interest in healthy relationships. They are usually so focused on themselves that they really can’t connect with anyone else in a genuine way. Some of them might even deliberately try to sabotage, gaslight, and stir up as much drama as possible. 

You may often feel like it’s your duty to call them out on their behavior and try to get them to change their ways, but it’s a game that cannot be won. Why? Because for many of them, the game itself is the goal. They get a thrill from the drama and turmoil they create. And this might not even be on a conscious level.

In these cases, the very best thing you can do is refuse to play their game. If the person is an acquaintance or distant relative, you might choose to cut off all contact with them. However, if they happen to be a work associate or immediate family member, that can be more challenging. Even if you are unable to avoid them completely, you can at least strictly limit the amount of time you spend with them.

Most importantly, when you do need to be around them, make it your mission to refuse to be drawn into their game. Remind yourself that their whole goal is to get a reaction from you. Being aware of this will make it easier to keep your cool and not react. You can simply smile and change the subject whenever they try to draw you into an argument.

This can be more challenging if the person knows you well and knows how to push your buttons. They know exactly how to trigger you into a state of anger or guilt, and they will use it to their advantage. But if you can keep telling yourself mentally, “They’re trying to get a reaction from me and I refuse to give them one,” it will get easier and easier to simply ignore their jabs. Eventually, they will lose interest in fighting with you since it’s clear that they can no longer win.

Do you often find that you judge people harshly for their behavior? It’s easy to point to someone and say, “They’re a bad person. They’re cruel and hurtful. They make reckless choices that hurt me and others.”

While it may be true that some people are intentionally hurtful, this may not be the full story for others.

We all speak and act from a wounded emotional state sometimes and end up regretting it later. The more hurt and angry we are, the more likely we are to say or do things that hurt other people.

Maybe you have even done this yourself when you spoke some harsh words or did something that hurt someone you cared about. Deep down inside, you may know that you had no intention to hurt them but it was almost as if you couldn’t help yourself at the time because you were so angry that you lashed out before thinking it through.

When someone else hurts you, it’s easy to assume that they did it purposely, but whenever possible, it’s worthwhile to examine whether that’s really true or not. One good way to approach situations like these is to ask yourself, “What do I believe that their intentions were by saying or doing what they did? Were they purposely trying to hurt me, or did they just act without thinking?”

In some cases, you may realize that they were actually trying to be helpful, even if their words and actions seemed to convey a different message. Other times, you’ll be able to see clearly that they were just angry and didn’t mean those harsh words that they spoke at the time. Considering their intentions will help you to avoid taking things too personally when they truly meant no harm.

Of course, being aware of their intentions does not mean that you have to sit idly by and accept mistreatment from others, even if they did it unintentionally. In those cases, you can simply share your thoughts and feelings with them and explain how their actions made you feel. You can even let them know that you understand what their true intention was. “I know that you were trying to be helpful, but that comment really hurt my feelings.” If the person truly cares about you, they will be willing to talk about it and they will apologize for hurting you.

When it comes right down to it, you may never be fully sure what another person’s intentions are, so it can be helpful to give them the benefit of the doubt most of the time. Avoid jumping to the conclusion that they’re a bad person, or that they were deliberately trying to cause harm. Be curious and ask them about it.

For example, my husband has a propensity of getting a high strung when he is stressed. I will notice it in his tone when he speaks to me, or he’ll be short with his responses. When I sense this, and I don’t really know where its coming from, I will ask him what he meant when he said X to me or what he is feeling. Most of the time, how he is sounding to me, has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him ruminating on something that is bothering him. He will often respond by being super apologetic and he’ll open up about what’s bugging him.

However, if you begin to see a pattern of mistreatment or insensitivity coming from the same person despite you making it clear that you don’t appreciate their behavior, then it’s a pretty clear indication that their intentions are not as good as they are portraying them to be. If they refuse to moderate their behavior, you may need to decide whether it’s healthy for you to continue your relationship with them.

In the 1985 movie, The Breakfast Club, anti-hero John Bender is mouthing off to Assistant Principal Richard Vernon, while in detention. His defiance is funny, but finally, Richard Vernon says to him, “You know something? You ought to spend a little more time trying to make something of yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off.”

In the movie, Bender is kind of a jerk in the beginning. He takes great pleasure in making others uncomfortable, he doesn’t show respect to anyone, he bullies Brian and sexually harasses Claire. But by the end of the movie, he actually becomes kind.

When we are young and in school, that is our world. We want to be seen a certain way and accepted. Or we don’t want to be accepted and want to be seen as rebel. We are really focused on how our lives look, rather than how it feels. And it is understandable as we are coming into our own at that age that we place such an emphasis on impressing others.

But we see this play out today as adults with social media. We compare our lives and worst moments with other people’s carefully curated highlight reels. It’s an unfair comparison that mostly like does not mirror reality in the least.

When you spend more time trying to find ways to impress others, you miss out on appreciating the moment. You become more prone to chasing after their approval. And the truth is, if you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.     

Personal growth is an integral part of happiness. It’s something that we try incredibly hard to achieve throughout our lives. We look to influencers, books, and other sources searching for that ‘ah ha’ moment to catapult us into a different realm. Honestly, most of us work extremely hard to find that happy medium to live our lives in harmony. So, when people come along to wreck that growth (and they will), it can negatively affect you moving forward. So, let’s break down this quote in detail.

Your Growth

It’s important to note that your growth belongs to you. Nobody other than yourself is responsible for it, and you own it outright.

While it can be tough to start making changes on your path to growth, it is crucial. Remember, your comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there (https://mindsetmadebetter.com/2021/09/29/a-comfort-zone-is-a-beautiful-place-but-nothing-ever-grows-there/). And those changes don’t have to be monumental. You can start small and add more significant things later. Here are some things that could help you along this self-discovering journey.

• Read
• Wake up earlier
• Make lists
• Start exercising
• Keep a journal
• Learn how to self-reflect
• Acknowledge your weaknesses
• Acknowledge your strengths

Your Growth Scares People

Sadly, there are people (and probably in your circle) who revel in the failure of others out of their own insecurities and their own fears of what real growth means. 

Keep in mind this has nothing to do with your journey. You own the responsibility of your self-development and the only person you should ever be in competition with is who you were yesterday.

Recognizing these people, especially when they’re close friends or family members, can be painful and difficult. However, if they have taken an active part in halting your growth, it’s wise to take a step back and reassess how you want to handle those relationships.

Your Growth Scares People Whose Sense Of Security Depends On…

As unfortunate as this sounds, there may be some people in your life who are dependent on your lack of growth. Perhaps they have created a security blanket and attached themselves to your lack of action and doing little to further yourself.

Here’s the real deal. Whether or not someone chooses to grow, it entirely up to them. As they say, change in life is inevitable and growth is optional. What other people choose to try to make of their lives is their journey. Should they decide to bank on your stagnation, do not allow it to impact your own propulsion into a better place mentally and/or physically. Remember, it is okay to let go of the things you have outgrown on your journey.

Your Growth Scares People Whose Sense Of Security Depends On Your Stagnation

Just as your growth is your responsibility, so is your stagnation. You have the choice to embark or park. But that choice should be based on your motivation. In other words, don’t ever let anyone hold you back for any reason.

Change and discovery are often challenging, but if you want it bad enough, there is always a way forward. And you are struggling with finding that path, keep at it. You will find your way.

At the end of the day, if your growth scares people whose sense of security depends on your stagnation, it’s really none of your business. You are not here in this life to make sure others feel better about themselves at your own personal expense. So, keep working, build your circle of positive forces, and keep pushing through complex parts of the journey. Don’t ever let anyone sway you in the path of regression.