In Breaking Bad, Bob Odenkirk plays Saul Goodman, a criminal lawyer turned lawyer criminal. He has an incredible talent for finding legal loopholes and skirts the edge of the law on a regular basis.

At some point, he espouses the wisdom that some people are immune to good advice.  And as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it. You can show someone a path or offer them good counsel, but they must ultimately choose to take it.

It can be heartbreaking when you try to help someone and give them good advice and they just seem immune to anything you say. In a post from last year, I talked about how to discern whether or not someone is in a place to hear your advice or concerns. You can read it in full here, but here are the questions worth asking yourself:

A.) Does this person see where you are coming from and can admit that the situation is what it is?

B.) Did this person lack awareness of your perspective and are they able to have a conversation about it, whether they agree or disagree with your perspective?

C.) Are they in complete denial of the issue and pretending that it doesn’t exist?

If you find yourself giving someone advice over and over again and they just aren’t taking it, it might be time to pump the breaks. Listen to what they have to say empathetically, but don’t try to solve their problem or offer up unsolicited advice. Only offer your thoughts on the situation should they ask for it.

It takes a lot of courage to speak your truth, especially in a world that seems to have an overabundance of critics. Sometimes it feels safer and easier to stay silent and avoid any potential conflict. Unfortunately, that means that only the loudest, most aggressive voices will be heard, and only one side of the story will be shared.

Refusing to speak up can give the impression that you are timid, shy, weak, or even disinterested, when that might not be the case at all. Perhaps you do have a lot to say, and you yearn to express yourself. Maybe you feel intimidated or worried that other people might disagree with you, or even ridicule you. Or perhaps you’re not even nervous about self-expression, but rather you just don’t know how to do it. If you were never taught how to express your thoughts and feelings when you were a child, you may go through life feeling stunted or blocked.

Self-expression can be learned, just like any other skill. Once you get the hang of it, you will find it so freeing and satisfying that you will no longer want to hold yourself back.

A good way to start is with a simple visualization to open the flow of your creative expression. Spend a few minutes breathing deeply and relaxing your body, then focus on your throat. Does this area feel tight and closed? If so, inhale slowly and deeply, and as you exhale, imagine your throat area relaxing and expanding. Imagine your creative energy flowing easily through your throat area, expressing outwardly in ways that feel comfortable and natural to you. Repeat this visualization daily until you feel more confident about expressing your thoughts and feelings.

Then consider the many avenues of self-expression that are open to you. Self-expression takes many forms such as verbal speech, writing, artwork, singing, dancing, or even creative hobbies like baking and gardening. Which of these activities feels most natural or interesting to you? Start there, but also know that you are not limited to any one way. Allow yourself to explore and experiment until you find something that feels right to you.

Next, consider what you really want to say. Do you have a story or a truth that you want to share? Ask yourself, “What within me is seeking expression today?” Then pause and notice what comes up. Maybe you feel a sense of sadness about world events, or concern about a personal challenge that you are experiencing at the moment. Maybe you have some old, forgotten anger that is ready to be released. Whatever it is, honor it and give yourself permission to express it in a safe, healthy way.

If you feel uncomfortable about doing this publicly, it’s okay to keep it private. Write out your story in a journal, express your turbulent feelings with paint on a canvas, or put on some music and dance until the sadness has been purged from your body.

The more you practice expressing yourself, you will gradually become more comfortable about expressing yourself publicly with other people as well. Even if it’s just verbally sharing your thoughts and opinions with the people closest to you.

Many of the decisions we make in our daily lives are based upon our need to feel comfortable. Most of the time, we stay firmly within our comfort zone. We shy away from activities that are different than the things we usually do, especially if they include the element of risk.

If you have ever avoided taking action on something that you really wanted to do, then you are probably very familiar with that anxious, nervous feeling that says, “Maybe it’s better if I just stay where I am rather than risking something that could lead to disappointment.”

While it’s totally understandable why you would want to avoid putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, it’s crucial for your development to stretch beyond your current capabilities. If you want to keep growing and evolving, both personally and professionally, you must be willing to get out of your comfort zone.

Making the decision to step out of your comfort zone takes courage, but it’s one of the most rewarding things that you will ever do for yourself. You will quickly come to realize that you are capable of so much more than you previously believed. You also get to experience a sense of exhilaration and freedom as you leave your bonds behind and move bravely forward into a better future.

You might be relieved to know that stepping out of your comfort zone can be done in baby steps (yes, like Bob Wiley in What About Bob?), rather than giant leaps. A good way to start is to consider one small step that you can take toward one of your current goals. Make the decision to do it, even if you feel afraid. After taking that step, your courage and confidence will grow so that taking additional steps will become easier and easier. Over time, your willingness to take even bigger steps should continue to grow as you get more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

When you feel tempted to run back to the safety and security of your comfort zone, remind yourself of these two things:

1. A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. 

2. Your comfort zone can be a prison that limits you and has its own set of uncomfortable consequences.

By refusing to stretch and grow as a person, you may become bored, uninspired, and perhaps even fearful. It virtually guarantees that your life cannot get better than what it is today. Rather than charting your own course through life, you are constantly tossed about by the waves of change. And the worst part is, you have no control over where you end up. Eventually you realize that staying in your comfort zone is far worse than any disappointments that you might experience from taking small risks.

Remind yourself often that you deserve better than that. You deserve a life that makes you feel inspired, fulfilled, and happy. But know that you probably won’t get it by sitting on the sidelines and waiting for things to happen. If you will commit to taking even the tiniest of steps toward something that you want, life will rush forward to meet you halfway. The universe is funny like that. And you will feel so good about yourself that you will come to love the process of stretching and growing into something more.

Most of us don’t go around deliberately saying hurtful things to other people, but sometimes we can do it without even realizing it. We might intend to crack a joke, but someone takes offense because they feel like we’re insulting or attacking them. Or we might try to offer some helpful advice or a dose of tough love, but we end up coming across as cruel and judgmental.

If you have ever been on the receiving end of insensitive, harsh words from someone else, then you know all too well how much pain they can cause, even if the other person had no clear intention to hurt you.

To avoid misunderstandings like this, it can be helpful to develop a keen sense of awareness about how you communicate your thoughts to others.

A good place to start is by pausing and thinking for a moment before speaking. Of course, this is not always easy to do while you’re in a fast-moving discussion with other people. But with practice you can learn to do it in just a second or two.

During this brief pause, consider what you are about to say, and whether it might be misconstrued in some way by the other person, or anyone involved in the conversation. Ask yourself, “Is my comment constructive or argumentative? Is it kind or insulting? Will this person find it helpful or hurtful?” Your answers to these questions will help you decide whether your comment would add something meaningful to the discussion or not.

If you still aren’t sure, try to see the comment from the other person’s perspective. How would you feel if they said those words to you? Would you find them helpful? Would you feel like you are being supported or disrespected? Obviously, if you wouldn’t like those words being directed toward you, there’s a good chance that someone else won’t either.

However, this is not always a perfect assessment, because we each have such different sensitivities to various topics. Even if you personally wouldn’t be offended by a specific comment, someone else still might. But at least considering their perspective can help you to be more mindful about potentially hurtful comments.

Finally, consider your intention. What are you trying to achieve with your words? Are you merely trying to express your thoughts and opinions, or are you trying to persuade them to see it your way? Are you trying to defend your position, or are you trying to undermine theirs? By examining your intentions before speaking, you can be more mindful about choosing words that will help you to achieve your goal, rather than moving you further away from it.

Sometimes despite your best intentions, misunderstandings and hurt feelings will still happen. In fact, you probably know certain people who seem to deliberately twist your words and take offense no matter how carefully you try to communicate your thoughts. In cases like this, you can only do your best. At least you will know that your intentions are pure, and you are choosing your words as wisely as you can to facilitate healthy, meaningful discussions.

One summer, I took my 4-year-old niece to the swimming pool. She hadn’t quite learned how to swim and was terrified of the water. But, as we inched our way in, and she witnessed all of the other children playing, she got a little braver and started to go deeper into the shallow end of the pool.

We reached the part where it was about two feet deep, and she let go of my hand. But unfortunately, she lost her balance and went under. I, of course, grabbed her and pulled her back up. But she was so scared when that happened, it was clear irrational fears took over.

She was screaming and kicking, and as I tried to calm her down, I repeated gently, “Baby, put your feet down.” There was a moment through her terrified fit when she finally understood what I was saying, and when this happened, she stopped screaming and put down her feet.

We had a good laugh, and I don’t remember a summer after that incident where she couldn’t swim. But that day, she successfully understood that fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.

Fear affects people differently. Some thrive off it and the adrenaline it provides. And others shutter at the mere mention of it and shut down physically, mentally, and socially. But, in most cases, fear, in all its forms can be debilitating. That’s why it’s good to understand it and find a way to overcome it.

3 Types of Fear

Fear can keep us safe in dire situations and make us react in life-saving ways. However, it can also hold us back and keep us stagnant, so finding a balance is necessary. There are three types of fear that you need to know.

• Rational Fear. This kind of fear means that you are in genuine danger. For example, if someone breaks into your home and you’re scared for your life. Rational fear occurs when you’re in imminent danger.

• Primal Fear. Primal fear is programmed into our brains. For example, if you’re hiking in a forest, and you notice that a bear is chasing you. Or you see a brown recluse spider crawling on your arm. This type of fear is coded into our DNA and makes us act accordingly to protect ourselves.

• Irrational Fear. Irrational fears are things that we have concocted in our minds that don’t make sense. For example, stage fright is a fear based on performance anxiety when speaking or performing in front of a group of people. Despite it being irrational, it’s genuine for people who suffer from this. 

Fear Holds You Back

Fear is powerful and complex. Fear can be a dream killer and keep you from reaching your full potential in your career, personal and spiritual life. Whether it’s a fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown, etc., it’s best to try and get a handle on it if you are experiencing stagnation in any way.

So, here’s something to think about: What if you’re not scared of the thing itself? Could it be that you’re afraid of the story you’ve made up in your head about how bad you’re going to bomb, disappoint someone, or fail? And if those things are true, you’re scared of fear, and it’s not real. In a post last year, I wrote about how sometimes the only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself. Perhaps these stories are feeding your feelings of fear and making them bigger.

How To Overcome Fear

There are several ways to start working on overcoming your fears. Whether it’s something small or more grandiose, these tools can help you get on the right track to becoming all that you were meant to be.

• Analyze your fear. Is it rational, primal, or irrational? Is it something you’ve made up or something that stems from trauma? Answering these questions can help you pinpoint why you are feeling it. And understanding the underlying reason why is crucial to overcoming it.

• Breathe. Fear can do a job on the way you think. Steady breathing slows your heart rate down and allows for a more calm state. The calmer you are, the more rational thoughts you cultivate.

• Face your fear. Facing your fear is the ultimate way not to fear an object or situation. The more you avoid your fear, the scarier it becomes. So, diving right into what scares you the most is a great way to show yourself time and time again that you can overcome it.

Remember, our brains are powerful and can create situations that aren’t real. And fear cuts deeper than any sword. But, if our brains are that powerful, we can use them to overcome these fears and anxieties that keep us down, too. Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is…And most of the time, the wolf never exists.

All throughout high school, I didn’t care for school. I never wanted to be there, and I hated most of my classes. As a matter of fact, any chance I had to skip or sneak out of school I would do it.

I was passionate about writing, but I felt like such a fraud for some reason. I don’t even really know why I did. I had one class that I loved, and it was more for the teacher than the topic. He taught current events and he was different from every other teacher that I had ever had. He was a bit bombastic, but he really taught us how to be critical thinkers. You never knew where he fell on the political spectrum, and he never taught us what to think.

I got over my fraud complex a bit in that class and put forth some effort into a writing assignment he gave us. It was definitely a half-assed effort, but the teacher was very complimentary – which was a big deal. He didn’t hand out trophies to everyone and he was hard to impress.

But it wasn’t until I got into college, and I took a class on creative writing that I began to trust my own madness. It was a small class, and the professor was young and fun. She encouraged us to color outside of the lines and to trust our abilities as a writer. We had these weekly sessions where we read each other’s work and had to give constructive criticism. 

I don’t know what I thought was going to happen in this class, but it never dawned on me that other students would read my writing in class – and actually talk about it. That probably would have dissuaded me from taking the course! But I stuck with it because I really liked the professor, and the class was a mix of really different people.

On our first assignment, I struggled with getting my ideas onto paper. I knew that kind of story I wanted to tell, but I was terrified of judgement from my peers. I was afraid they would think my writing was too dark or really messed up. But finally, after spending hours trying to make the writing more socially acceptable, I said fuck it, and I just wrote it like I felt it and told the kind of story I wanted to tell.

Once I handed out copies to my peers, I thought to myself, okay, this is it. I wonder what kind of feedback I am going to get? Am I going to get kicked out of this class?!

Looking back, it is so funny that I had these insecurities, but I did. I also happened to be at a time in my life where I didn’t exactly see myself as a good person or very creative. I had a lot of negative self-talk and as it turns out my view of myself and my writing didn’t jive at all with how the professor and students saw me.

In our first reading and critique session, I was shocked at the reaction from my peers. There was some constructive criticism, which really helped me improve. But overall, the students loved how gritty the writing was and the vulnerability of the characters. It turns out that the strange, dark and mysterious things I liked to write was actually interesting and compelling. At the end of the class, the professor asked me if she could use my assignment as a sample for her other classes. She said she wanted the other students to know that they can trust their own madness with their writing. I couldn’t believe it and I felt so encouraged.

After this class, I took a Shakespeare class because the same professor was teaching it. She encouraged me to take it after I told her I just didn’t get Shakespeare’s writing. That semester, I ended up falling in love with Shakespeare and the language. I was so invested, I even got my husband and family into it. We went to see Richard III at Yale and I found myself reading more than what was assigned to us.

When it came time for the final, we had a huge paper that we had to write on Henry V. The professor encouraged me to write it in the voice I had developed in the creative writing class, so I did. And as I wrote it, I “trusted the madness”. In the end, the professor called it a graduate level paper and asked to use it as another sample.   

That year I ended up winning a writing award and got published in a small local publication…I also entered a writing contest online and out of hundreds of entries, got an honorable mention. I never thought for a minute that these things would actually happen for me! But they did because I said fuck it and trusted my own madness. And that year I learned that I might actually be able to write fiction for a living.

We all have gifts and talents that can impact the people around us, or even the world. It would be a shame for those things to remain untapped. Like Steve Jobs as said, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” They are the ones who trust their own madness. And they helped create the world we live in today.

Trust the madness inside. You have something to offer the world and you cannot afford to live in potential for the rest of your life.