In Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire, Harry comes face to face with Voldemort, who killed his parents and attempted to kill him as a baby. At the end of the film, Dumbledore warns Harry that, “Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon, we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.” This is of course in reference to Voldemort coming back. Soon everyone will have to face the evilness and chaos that Voldemort and the Death Eaters will bring to the world.

Anytime we are faced with a challenge or something unpleasant, we have a choice. We can either do what is easy and skate by, or we can do what is right – even if it means it will be difficult.

For Harry, he will always choose what is right. It is in his nature, and really in human nature.

On 9/11, I remember walking down to the waterfront at Grundy Park in Jersey City at night. Many onlookers at gathered at the waterfront, looking over the Hudson River at the aftermath of the worst terror attack in history that had happened on American soil. I can still remember the smoke and the smell in the air. And how quiet the crowd was, just looking at something so horrific. Dark and difficult times had come to our doorstep, without much warning.

It didn’t matter where you fell on the political spectrum that day or immediate time after. People from all walks of life with radically different beliefs stood united together. When there is a real threat, most people will stand up and do what is right. It is in our nature to do so. That is why we hear so many stories of good Samaritans who will help people for no other reason, other than it is the right thing to do.

Anyone can do what is easy…the question is, when dark and difficult times come to your doorstep, what are you going to do?

As we go through life, people are going to come and go at various stages. Our best friend in first grade becomes a faded photograph in the school yearbook. Our first crush becomes an old handwritten note in the middle of a Chemistry notebook. Each season of life brings us people, and while some stay in our lives, a lot of them go.

As we think about people who have left us, we can get caught up in the nostalgia and begin to feel upset. Perhaps there was someone who you truly believed would be a part of your life forever. But life is all about change, and the faster we can accept that, the more we can be at peace.

Here are 5 things to remember when someone you hoped would stick around leaves your life.

1. Don’t take it personally. People come and go, but that isn’t a reflection of your worth or who you are. People grow and change. Sometimes people are just meant to come into our lives for a short time, to share some beautiful experiences or to teach us a lesson. Even if they don’t stay in our lives as long as we hoped, it doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from them or be grateful for the shared experiences. Keep the memories alive by enjoying them rather than feeling hurt that the person is no longer in your life. When you do this, you can be at peace with letting them go.

2. The number of people in your life doesn’t matter. Quality is more important than quantity and your relationships are proof of that. You can have hundreds of people that you know, but that won’t make you happier. True relationships add meaning to our lives. So even if you just have a few people in your life, if you can count on them, you have a lot more than many others.

3. Rely on yourself. As people come and go, you learn that you have to rely on yourself. You become stronger as you realize that you are the only constant. You are the sole decision maker in your life.

So if you want to start a business, don’t wait around for someone to magically appear in your life to help you. If you want to travel, don’t wait to find someone who you can travel with. Take action, rely on yourself, and when you walk your own path, you will find the right people along the way.

4. Don’t be externally focused. People can be nice, fun, and entertaining, but that doesn’t mean they will always be in our lives. When we are externally focused when pursuing happiness, our mental point of origin is on someone else. We cannot control this person and they have their own journey that they need to discover. Don’t allow yourself to become outcome dependent on another person.

5. Don’t change to please others. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and it is impossible to please every single one. What makes you likable is your “you-ness”. So don’t change just to please others, because people will come and go. If you keep changing to please others, you will keep growing distant from your true self. Instead, stay true to yourself so that no matter who comes or goes from your life, you know who you are, and you don’t have to keep changing. Plus, the right people in your life would never require or desire for you to change who you are.

Remember, as people come and go, perhaps the most important lesson to remember is that life is fleeting. Stay in the present moment and enjoy it to the fullest without feeling bad about people who are no longer part of your life. Enjoy the presence of the people around you right now, while accepting that they may not be there forever. And that’s okay. Embrace the magic of the transience of life and relationships.

When you have been hurt by your partner, it is easy to forget all the things he or she did to make you feel love. You may be so consumed by hurt and anger that you feel hatred towards them. And in those moments of high emotion, it can feel like the long history you have where they made you feel loved didn’t even exist.

You see, love and hate are much more similar than we think. Both emotions are linked to the same area of the human brain. Scientists have discovered that some of the nervous circuits in the brain responsible for hate are the same that are activated during love. Perhaps this is why there is a saying that there is a fine line between love and hate.

Think about what would bother you more: your significant other saying something mean to you or someone you don’t even really like saying something mean?

While the latter would not be a pleasant experience, someone close to you hurting you would be much more devastating. Both love and hate are extremely intense emotions. Whether you are feeling hate or love, they both indicate that you feel very strongly about the person the emotion is directed towards.

While they are usually directed towards different people in our lives, because of the intense nature of the emotions, sometimes the emotions can switch.

Have you ever really hated someone, but when they did something nice, suddenly your entire perspective shifted, and you began to love them? Or maybe the opposite happened and your love transformed into hate.

It’s true that those we love dearly are more likely to be the object of our hate later. And this isn’t because we are evil human beings. It is because we feel so strongly about this person that the intensity is extremely high. So, when the intense emotion goes from positive to negative, it doesn’t switch from love to indifference; it switches from love to hate.

While that can sound a bit dark, especially when it concerns people we love, it can be helpful to be aware of the propensity for this to happen in advance. That way you can be better equipped to combat the intense emotions that might swing towards a negative.

So, the next time someone you love triggers you or evokes a negative emotion, you can be more mindful about how you react so that your intense ‘love’ doesn’t switch to ‘hate’.

5 Steps to Diffuse Negative Intense Emotions Towards Someone You Love

1. Slow things down. When there is some conflict or you are in a situation where you begin to think hateful thoughts or feel intense negative emotions, stop yourself. Recognize that something has happened to trigger this intense response. Take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Repeat this four to five times until you feel yourself calming down and returning to a neutral emotion.

2. Challenge your thoughts. The next step is to notice the hateful thought you are having. Often, in times of intense emotion, our feelings cloud our logical thinking, and we don’t even know why we are so angry or upset. Take a moment to get very clear about what the thought is that is triggering your emotion. Then, consciously challenge this thought and ask yourself “is this really true?”.

For example, you might get angry that your partner hasn’t brought home the groceries you asked them to pick up. That anger might escalate into intense feelings of hate. When you stop and consider, the subconscious thought triggering these emotions might be “They don’t listen to what is important to me”.

When you challenge this thought and consider if this thought is really true, you realize that it is far from the truth. When you consider everything your partner does for you on a daily basis, you realize that you are the most important person in their life. Just because they forgot to bring groceries home doesn’t mean that they don’t listen to what is important to you.

3. Replace your thoughts. Once you have been able to challenge your thoughts, you can replace them with calmer, rational thoughts. For example, you might think “Even though he forgot to bring home the groceries today, I know that I am extremely important to him”. Or perhaps you could wonder, “Is there something on his mind that caused him to forget to pick up the groceries? Because it isn’t typical of him to forget.”

4. Detach yourself from the situation. If you are afraid of hurting a loved one, it might be a good idea to leave the room or the conversation at that moment. Sometimes it’s better to leave and let the situation diffuse rather than risking an emotional outburst that you might regret later.

5. Distract yourself for a few minutes. If you still feel very emotionally charged, try to distract yourself to refocus your mind. Read a book, watch a movie, workout, go for a walk, or call a friend. By disrupting your pattern, you can come back to the situation when you feel calmer, and you will have a more balanced perspective.

Remember, love and hate are extreme versions of feeling very strongly about something. Sometimes we can get triggered and accidentally cross that line between love and hate. Stay mindful and act intentionally when you get triggered so that you can diffuse tense situations and keep your relationships happy and healthy.

In Breaking Bad in an episode called Hazard Pay, after Walter has killed meth boss Gus Fring, Walter, Jesse and Mike buy a fumigation company called Vamonos Pest. It is used as a front for their continuing criminal enterprise, but they also use some of the homes they fumigate to cook the meth so they will remain undetected.

Once a week, Walt and Jesse pick a house for a temporary cook location. Badger and Skinny Pete bring in all the lab equipment which is stored in roadie cases for Vamonos Pest. The Vamonos crew tents the house as usual and does the bug bombing after Walt and Jesse cook the meth. The crew also has to be sure not to burglarize the house they cook the meth at, so the homeowners don’t get suspicious. Before they bought the business, the Vamonos crew had their own racket they were running. They would supplement their income by burglarizing the houses they fumigate or selling duplicate house keys or alarm codes to other criminals. So obviously, many people are in on this. And they all need to be on Walter’s payroll, so they keep quiet.

One day, as Mike is divvying up money made after a batch of meth was sold, Walter makes the comment that now he’s making less money than he did with Fring. He’s a bit indignant and Mike calmly says, “Listen, Walter. Just because you shot Jesse James don’t make you Jesse James.”

Just because Walter killed Gus, it doesn’t make him better or even as good of a businessman as Gus was. Gus had been in the meth business for years and had gained experience through the years. Walter, on the other hand, didn’t consider all the people he would have to pay off and how to scale the business to make the most profit.

As tempting as it can sometimes be to argue your point, it’s often a waste of time to do so. People are usually very committed to their ideas and convictions, and nothing that you say will change their minds. If you persist in arguing with them, they will only dig their heels in deeper. They will refuse to listen to you, or they will even twist your words and apply meanings to them that you never intended.

Even worse, the more you argue and debate your points, it can make you appear to be overly aggressive, stubborn, and rigid in your thinking. It can also give the impression that you are not willing to hear other points of view, even if that’s not the case.

A better approach for dealing with stubborn, difficult, or argumentative people is to simply honor their right to think and believe whatever they want. Resist the temptation to correct them. Even if you know without a shred of doubt that they are wrong, be willing to let go of your need to prove it to them.

Unless it’s a situation where someone’s life is in danger, there is no harm in allowing them to have their own viewpoints – even if they differ greatly from yours. Believing that it’s your duty to set them straight will only cause you headaches. You will spend an excessive amount of energy on it when you could apply your energy to more productive activities and aspirations.

Instead, whenever you feel tempted to argue or defend your point, pause for a moment and ask yourself, “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be at peace?” Arguing will never lead to peace, and it only ever causes more strife and hurt feelings.

When you refuse to argue with a fool, you retain your inner peace and balance. You even begin to see the other person more clearly. You may notice that they seem to be insecure and seeking validation from you and others. Or you might recognize that they are trying to make themselves appear to be more knowledgeable and important by diminishing others. Noticing these things will make it easier to avoid getting drawn into a pointless argument with them.

However, if it’s a case where someone is spreading falsehoods about you or verbally attacking you, then it’s understandable that you would want to state the facts and clear up any misconceptions. If you can do this in a calm, dispassionate way rather than a heated argument, your results are bound to be much more beneficial.

If you reach a point where the other person refuses to listen and they are clinging stubbornly to their skewed opinion of you, remind yourself that their behavior likely doesn’t have to do with you. It probably has much more to do with something deeper going on inside of them than anything you might have said or done. This awareness should help you to care less about what they think of you, because you know the truth about who you are. And you will no longer feel the need to justify anything to anyone.

We have all had moments in our lives where we have put on a mask to hide our true authentic selves to be accepted by others. Whether it was dressing, speaking, or acting a certain way, we tend to change ourselves in order to win other people’s approval.

We spend so much time and energy trying to please other people. But is it worth it if they don’t even like us for who we are? We have become so used to trying to fit in even if that means changing ourselves, that we often forget who we truly are. When we trade our authenticity for other people’s approval, we stop accepting ourselves and we begin basing our worth on other people’s opinions of us. The truth, however, is that you are worthy regardless of what other people think! So rather than trying to please others, be authentic and stay true to who you are.

Here are 4 ways you can learn to live more authentically

1. Accept yourself good and bad. Accepting yourself is one of the most important steps of living authentically. We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves. We wish we were funnier, smarter, prettier… and the list goes on. But rather than spending so much time and energy on the things we don’t like about ourselves and wishing we could change them, what if we accept these aspects of ourselves?

When you accept yourself, you no longer need to win the acceptance of other people. And that gives you a reservoir of confidence and strength that nothing else can. When you accept yourself fully, for the good and the bad, no one else can hurt you because you have the approval of the most important person in your life: you.

2. Remind yourself you are human. There is something beautiful about our common humanity. Remind yourself that we are all human, even the people you are trying to please, and that we are all flawed. So rather than spending so much time and energy trying to ‘fix’ your flaws or change yourself to please someone, why not accept yourself and accept the flaws in others, too?

When you accept someone else for their flawed humanness, you give yourself permission to be human too.

3. Speak your mind. How often do you hide what you truly want to say or how you truly feel? When someone asks you how you are, do you automatically say “I’m fine” or do you share your truth? When someone asks how their new haircut is, do you beat around the bush or tell them your opinion?

To live authentically, you must speak your mind unapologetically. Open up and share your feelings and thoughts. If someone hurts you, let them know (in a kind and loving manner). If someone asks for your opinion, offer it honestly (again, in a kind and loving way).

4. Love yourself. Love yourself no matter what. Embrace your quirky weirdness. Tell yourself how amazing you are every day. Your quirky characteristics are what define you and make you special and loveable. So, accept yourself and let yourself be your weird, different self in front of others, too. When you love yourself for who you are, you no longer need to chase other people and their approval. Not only is this empowering, but it also gives you that much more capacity to love others around you! And people will be attracted to who YOU truly are, without you having to change!

Remember, humans are social beings, so it is only natural that we crave other people’s approval. However, this need for approval can become detrimental when we trade in our authenticity just to please others. If we keep changing ourselves for other people’s approval, we can eventually lose ourselves and forget who we truly are. But when you accept the real you without worrying about what other people will think, you can truly love yourself. At the end of the day, the only person whose approval you need is your own.

In Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, Harry visits Dumbledore and says, “So the sorting hat was right? I should be in Slytherin.” Dumbledore admits that yes, Harry does possess many of the same qualities that Voldemort prizes. He asks Harry why the sorting hat placed him in Gryffindor. Harry replies that it was because he asked it to. Dumbledore tells Harry that is because he asked the sorting hat not to put him in Slytherin. He tells him Harry’s choice is what makes him different from Voldemort. Then he says to Harry, “It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.”

As unpleasant as this thought is, I believe there is darkness in all of us. We are all depraved on some level and have the capability to do horrible things. Most of us choose to be upstanding people. It truly is our choices that define who we really are. The beautiful thing about being human to me, is that we all have the capacity for darkness, yet most of us choose light. And we choose it again and again.