Imagine going to the gym and lifting the lightest weights there and were incredibly easy for you to lift. Would you build any muscle? Would you tone up? Probably not, right?

Similarly, we all need a certain amount of challenge or difficulty in our lives to grow. After all, no matter how beautiful flowers look on sunny days, they can’t bloom without a little rain. 

No matter how much we struggle or resist difficulties, challenging times stimulate more growth in us than good times can spark.

Let’s take a look at the reasons why challenges are necessary and incredibly beneficial in our lives.

Reflect & Change for the Better

When we go through struggles, we are forced to consider what we can change. For example, if you are struggling in your job, you might think about what profession you would enjoy more. If you are finding challenges in your relationship, you might consider what you can do better when communicating with your partner.

Build Compassion & Empathy

Your struggles can make you a better friend! When we go through difficulties, we are able to empathize and relate to others who are also going through challenges. Our struggles can give us the insight, compassion, and patience needed when someone else is going through pain and needs our support.

Makes Us More Grateful

One of the best things about pain is that it gives us perspective. Often, we don’t realize how abundant and blessed we are until something bad happens. When we go through bad times, we learn to appreciate the good and we feel a lot more gratitude for the things we DO have.

Helps Us Grow Stronger

We can only grow when we are outside our comfort zone. Every time we face a challenge, we are forced to think outside of the box and do something different, helping us grow wiser and stronger. Challenges create resistance, and just like in the gym, resistance builds strength. It’s only through solving problems can we spark mental and emotional strength.

Gives Us Sense of Accomplishment

There’s nothing as satisfying as conquering trials and overcoming challenges. Imagine if you had a perfect life with no problems and you were just handed millions of dollars. On the other hand, imagine you worked hard to build the business of your dreams, taking risks, staying up at night, and sacrificing ‘fun’, and you finally got your first sale. What would feel more rewarding? The latter, right?

While an ‘easy’ life can look shiny and enthralling, the feeling of accomplishment is missing. So, the next time you face a challenge, conquer it with the reminder of the sweet feeling you will receive after you achieve your goal.

What doesn’t challenge you, won’t change you. Look at challenges as an opportunity to grow and become a better version of yourself. Face your challenges with determination and be grateful for the chance to learn a lesson, grow, and become stronger. Just like flowers don’t bloom without a little rain, challenges are necessary for you to bloom into your best, kindest, strongest, and wisest self.

While both a harp and sword are neutral, we have our pre-existing thoughts about both. We associate peace and winged angels playing silky melodies on top of clouds with harps. With swords, we may immediately think of exhausted soldiers wielding bloodied blades in the battlefield of war. 

But what are their user’s intentions and desired effects of each? If I were to use a harp to play a subliminal melody that would cause a listener to commit murder, well, then, my intentions would be awful. However, if I used a sword as a letter opener (no, it’s not overkill at all) to open a check for a million dollars and donated it all to charity, then it’s quite a lovely letter opener, isn’t it?

George R.R. Martin’s quote suggests that everything should be questioned – especially if it seems to be “good” because that’s often where the most deceit lives. When I think of storylines in movies that create the most interesting plots, I think of how characters are motivated and how they end up doing what they do. And it’s the same with people. You can scare someone into doing something you want them to do, by holding a sword over their head. They will be motivated to do what you ask out of fear.

But with a harp, you can present the message as something beautiful and good. And with that message you can lull a person to do your bidding by making them believe what you want them to do is their idea. Or you can make something seem so beautiful or too good to be true, that people want to believe it. And they do.

Case in point – Elizabeth Holmes and Theranos. In the beginning, she and her company were considered untouchably brilliant with their development of the Edison blood-testing device. How could anyone not believe in this young Stanford dropout’s brilliance? How could anyone question a woman in the male-dominated worlds of STEM and Silicon Valley start-ups? How could anyone want to discount the idea of democratizing blood testing for billions of people? It was a story too good to be true.

Because it was. The closer that journalist John Carreyrou and employee Tyler Shultz got to the core, the more that they realized that this harp was dangerous as a sword – if not more so. Since the Edisons allegedly didn’t work with 100% accuracy, this gross ineptitude and fraud not only put would be testers’ lives at risk with misinformation, but they threatened to endanger many more.

While Elizabeth may have initially had world-saving intentions in the beginning, such unconscionable inaccuracies seemed to reveal her motives as being more corrupt than beneficent.

While I am one who tends to see good until something is proven bad, there is value in questioning things – especially things that seem too good to be true. Remember, not all things are 100% good and not all things are 100% bad. Questioning a person’s intentions and the potential consequences of a business deal, relationship, object, entity, or series of actions gives you a clearer and richer view of what is really at play. Learning how to do this well is a necessary part of growth and one that can save lots of heartache down the road.

Have you ever wanted to achieve a large goal, but you had no idea how you could possibly do it? Or perhaps you were facing a big life challenge that seemed so overwhelming that it was impossible to overcome it. Such experiences can be scary and intimidating, to say the least. You know that you’re not happy with where you are, and you can see clearly where you want to end up. But the distance between those two points seems like many thousands of miles and you have no idea how you can possibly get there.

During times like these, it can be helpful to remember that every goal and challenge that you face in life has many smaller parts that can be tackled first. As the saying goes, if you are attempting to move a mountain, you need only begin by carrying away small stones. Likewise, if you are undertaking a journey of a thousand miles, you need only take one step at a time in the right direction.

Rather than trying to lift and carry the entire mountain at once, or travel thousands of miles instantly, look for smaller tasks that you can accomplish. Ask yourself every day, “What is one small thing that I can do today to begin moving in the direction I want to go?” Then pause and wait for an insight. You might get an idea to call a certain person to ask for their assistance, or you might decide to do some research to get prepared for later phases of the plan. You might even feel inspired to lighten your load by organizing your space, removing clutter and donating items you no longer use, which can help you to feel clearer and more focused.

While small, manageable actions like these may not seem overly impressive, remember that real transformation happens when we change our smaller, daily habits.

As you continue along your journey, there may be brief periods of time where your progress seems to stall temporarily, and you might begin to doubt whether you will ever reach your destination. Rather than getting frustrated by these momentary delays, keep reminding yourself that it’s all part of the process.

Remember that even with a physical journey from one point to another, you may encounter a few roadblocks, traffic jams, and detours along the way. Trust that these delays do not signal the end of your journey. Keep reminding yourself that as long as you keep moving in the right direction, you are still on track and you will arrive at your destination.

Most importantly, make it a point to simply enjoy every part of the journey. Be grateful for the bursts of forward momentum, and surrender to the momentary delays, knowing that all of it is leading you to something that will be well worth it in the end.

In this modern day and age, it seems as if our lives are busier and louder than they have ever been in decades past. With so much going on, it’s easy to get caught up in mental hyperactivity, constantly analyzing, planning, prepping, and checking off endless to-do lists. It can feel like our mind is on a treadmill that continues to run faster and faster, so we need to hurry to keep up.

As if that weren’t stressful enough, we are also bombarded by a constant stream of information coming into our awareness from many different sources, including social media, traditional news outlets, and the people with whom we interact on a daily basis. Unfortunately, much of that input is of a negative nature, which only adds to our feelings of stress and overwhelm.

Fortunately, there is a simple way to escape the stress, and that is by seeking out more natural settings. Spending time in nature is a wonderful way to “lose your mind,” in other words, the chronic overthinking and mental hyperactivity, and “find your soul,” returning to a space of peacefulness and inner connection.

Sitting quietly for 30 minutes in a natural setting can even provide many wonderful health benefits, such as reducing blood pressure, calming the nervous system, soothing away feelings of stress and worry, and it can even improve your self-esteem and promote a sense of genuine happiness. It can even rejuvenate your energy so much that you feel as rested as you would from getting a full night of sleep. As a result, your ability to think clearly is greatly enhanced, which continues to benefit you even after you have returned to your normal activities.

If you happen to live in a rural area, then you can easily step out of your back door to find a quiet natural setting to enjoy. You may already have a garden or a pond where you can soak in the soothing sounds and sights of nature. However, if you live in a busy city, it can be a bit more challenging to get back to nature, but you may be able to take advantage of a nearby forest, beachfront, or park.

Another good option is to bring a bit of nature into your personal space. Create a small area in your home that is filled with live plants and photos of natural settings such as gardens, lakes, oceans, waterfalls, or deserts. Surround yourself with artwork depicting flowers, birds, dragonflies, and bees.

Regardless of how and where you connect with nature, it’s most important that you focus on being fully present in the moment. Set aside any scattered or troubling thoughts and silence all electronic devices. Breathe deeply and focus only on what is before you. Watch the interesting species of wildlife around you, feel the gentle breeze on your skin, and give yourself permission to stop doing and just be. Within minutes you should feel a sense of peacefulness returning. Your body will relax, your mind will quiet, and that inner connection will be restored.

If you were to ask a large group of people what they wish they could have more of, many of them would probably answer, “Money.”

This is certainly understandable! Money is the resource that allows us to live comfortable lives in modern day society. It allows us to have a roof over our heads, clothing to wear, and food to eat. Beyond mere survival, money can also help us to experience richer and more meaningful lives through education, travel, art, and entertainment. Money in itself is not a bad thing, but it’s also easy to become so focused on the acquisition of wealth that we lose sight of the important reasons that we want the money in the first place.

Consider your own relationship with money. Does it seem like you are always pursuing money, trying to figure out ways to get more of it, while also worrying that you might not have enough? Are you surrounded by material objects, but still feel a sense of lack? Does it seem like there is an endless list of things you wish you could buy or do, but you can’t afford them?

If you answered yes to most of those questions, you may be laboring under a scarcity mentality. From the perspective of a scarcity mentality, there is never enough, no matter how much you have. You feel compelled to keep accumulating more, whether it’s actual cash or material objects. Seeing your life through this type of lens will never allow you to feel content because you are too keenly aware of what you don’t have, but wish you did. You will meet the world consistently coming from a place of lack.

On the other side of that same coin is an abundance mentality. An abundance mentality allows you to see and appreciate the wealth that you already have, including material objects and money, but also the less tangible forms of wealth like good health, satisfaction, and inner peace. This perspective immediately makes you feel more abundant. Your life feels richer and happier. Even if there are things you want but don’t yet have, you are focused more on the good things that you already have.

Developing an abundance mentality is as simple as focusing more on abundance than on scarcity. Rather than constantly yearning for the things you don’t yet have, spend more time looking at your life and noticing the blessings all around you. Say often, “I am so blessed. I am so abundant. I am so thankful for all I have.” Pay special attention to the more precious gifts in your life, such as your ability to watch the sunrise, or to hug someone you love.

You may be surprised to realize that just by switching your focus to abundance, not only will you feel richer in the present moment, but you should also notice that money no longer seems to elude you. Your continual focus on abundance will keep drawing more of it into your life, but you will no longer feel so attached to it. It will simply be one more blessing to be thankful for.

In The Matrix, Neo goes to visit The Oracle. She tells him not to worry about the vase on the table and he replies, “what vase?”. The vase then falls onto the floor. Neo apologizes and asks her how she knew the vase was going to fall. The Oracle smiles and says, “What’s really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn’t said anything?”

This bit from The Matrix poses the philosophical question of would the event have occurred if the subject did not know it would occur? Would Neo have broken the vase, had The Oracle remained quiet?

It all comes down to the question of whether or not when we are told something in advance (foreknowledge), do we lose the ability to have free will? For example, let’s look at Shakespeare’s play, Macbeth. Macbeth learns about a prophecy from three witches that he will be King of Scotland. With this knowledge and the encouragement of his wife, Macbeth murders the current king and names himself king. In the process of all this, he becomes exceedingly paranoid, kills more people and eventually a civil war erupts to overthrow him. But had he not heard or known about the prophecy from the witches, would he have even killed the king? Is it possible that the witches made a random guess and had no foreknowledge of what was to be?

Determinism is the belief that all actions and events result from other actions, events, or situations, so people cannot really choose what to do. They do not have free will. And the plot in Macbeth is philosophically deterministic. But isn’t it also possible that Macbeth was destined to be king, but could have used free will to choose a less lethal path to the throne?

In the case of The Matrix, the plot is vague about whether or not it is really deterministic. And it begs an even bigger question. If Neo was never told he was The One, would he have actually been The One?

There are also elements that say that there is free will. Obviously, by taking the red pill you are unplugging yourself from the matrix. You are choosing to be free.

So going back to the vase. Does foreknowledge inhibit your ability to have free will? I don’t really know, to be honest.

Let’s think about manifesting the results we want in life. Free will allows us to determine what we want to manifest. And we are very specific when we try to manifest something. We choose a deterministic strategy to keep ourselves focused, yet we crowd out the idea of free will from our subsequent decisions. And I would argue that if we are 100% set one outcome, we close off other opportunities that might be better for us.

When someone does something wrong, it is so easy for us to “forget” all the things that they have done right in that moment. When we are highly emotional, it’s like whatever they did wrong is the only thing that exists.

A while ago, I posted an article about how we tend to engrave our trials in marble and write our blessings in sand. And today’s quote fits the idea behind this one. When someone does something wrong or hurtful, we tend to engrave it in marble and write all the things they do right in sand.

As a general rule, when I feel really hurt or highly emotional about something, I try to take a step back for a little bit before addressing it with the “offending” person. I know in the highly charged moment, I am apt to focus on the thing they did wrong more than seeing the whole picture that typically includes significantly more things that they do right. I don’t always adhere to my rule, but I sure try to.

I often find that distracting myself by doing some kind of physical activity or watching something I enjoy often helps me work on how I am feeling in the background. Then I can approach the situation from a better place. I have also discovered that doing this, allows me to focus on what I am really feeling about the situation. Anger is a great mask for a variety of feelings like fear, anxiety, hurt, worry, guilt, shame, embarrassment, sadness, betrayal and/or jealousy.

By taking some time to work through what I am really feeling, it gives me the opportunity to be clear about how I feel and communicate it effectively. By the time I have worked through it, I’m not as emotional and I’m less apt to behave that I’m not proud of when confronting the person with my feeling. Instead of reacting, I am responding to the situation. And instead of being emotional and harping on what they did wrong, I have a much more laid back, productive demeanor with the end goal of resolving the issue, rather than just telling someone they did something wrong.

So why do we get so focused on the one thing that someone did wrong in the first place?

When an issue comes up again and again, it’s because it isn’t resolved. Perhaps you are bringing it up often because you don’t feel seen and heard. The “one thing” is usually something pretty big for us, too, and may be a symptom of a larger problem. Perhaps you are mad at your partner because he spent time with another woman after work getting a drink, but the real problem is there are trust issues in the relationship. Maybe they are there because he has done something shady in the past. Or perhaps he hasn’t, and you are just worried that he will. Those deeper issues will need to be addressed. 

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of our partner. Perhaps we expect them to behave a certain way so that we feel secure in the relationship. So what we are doing is reacting to what they have done because we are dependent on them to act a certain way to help regulate our insecurities. And when they screw up, all hell breaks loose because it feels like a much deeper injury.

The truth is, we all have flaws and there will be times that we mess up and hurt our partner, family, and friends. There will always be ways that my husband gets when he is really stressed out that I really don’t like. From time to time I will be “unpleasant” (<- his words) when I am too hot, like inside our house (I still have no idea why our bedroom is a sauna and the rest of the house is freezing) or outside hiking in the desert. But overall, when we look at everything that the other gets right, we both feel very blessed to have what we have.

When someone does something wrong, or hurts you, try to balance it with all the things they do right. Hopefully you can say that the positive outweighs the negative in your relationships. And remember, often times, people don’t intend to do things to hurt others or screw things up. Most times they are doing the best that they can.

I often say that our mistakes and failures are our greatest teachers. I know I have learned significantly more from my mistakes than when I have succeeded. I’ve seen it happen in my business as well as my personal life.

Last year my brother and I got into a disagreement. It was serious, and how the whole thing unfolded ended up changing the dynamic of our relationship. There were mistakes I made, that I apologized for. I could honestly look at what he was saying and say, “You know what? I could have done things better and I wish that I had.” He said some really hurtful things to me and was verbally abusive in a very scary way. So much so that for a while when called me after that, I had a small panic attack seeing his name come up on my phone. I was terrified that the conversation would go sideways, and I would be verbally berated once again.

Even though he feels the consequences of what happened between us, he still hasn’t apologized to me. He still hasn’t said, “You know what? I was out of line with some of the things I said to you, and I am sorry I was hurtful and made the assumptions I made.” An apology goes a long way for me, but he just won’t do it. Even though I have apologized for my part in it, twice.

I’ve concluded that it is quite possible that he really doesn’t think that he did anything wrong. I don’t think he believes that he said hurtful things or was abusive or unappreciative of all the things I have done to help him along his own journey. I just don’t think he sees it. And if he does, he isn’t talking to me about it to me, anyway. And you know what? He has every right not to see it or deny that he did some things wrong. It’s not helpful and doesn’t help you grow or repair the relationship, but he’s entitled to make that choice.

When you deny your mistakes, it can lead to a destructive pattern of self-deception that doesn’t really serve you. There is this school of thought that self-deception isn’t all that bad if it helps you have confidence or hope. But when you refuse to acknowledge your own mistakes, you are bound to repeat them. Over and over again.   

There are many reasons why people choose to deny their mistakes. Like I mentioned with my brother, perhaps the person doesn’t think they made a mistake or were wrong. But maybe they do know that they made a mistake and fear of owning up to it and being responsible. We see this all the time with kids. They will write on the wall with crayons and you’ll ask them if they did that, and they will vehemently deny it, while holding the crayon in their hand, standing next to the wall. They are scared of what will happen if they admit it. Sometimes people deny their mistakes because they worry that by owning it, they will be embarrassed or viewed as incompetent.

The tricky thing about denial and self-deception is we tend to rationalize what we believe about ourselves and the situation. We end up inverting the truth, so it aligns with what we want to believe. And when we do that, we lose sight of what the truth really is. And this leads to conflict never really being resolved, hurt feelings never being validated, apologies not being said for things you may have said in the heat of the moment and relationships not being mended. While those are all dire consequences, the worst is when you don’t take accountability for your mistake, you avoid the opportunity to learn a lesson and move forward as a better person. 

If you find yourself denying something you know you did wrong, follow these simple steps:

1. Stop denying it. Admit you are wrong. It does not mean you failed. The way you handled something failed. It wasn’t productive. It wasn’t a good choice, but you did not fail.

2. Take a deep breath. It’s not the end of the world. The uncomfortable or vulnerable feeling you feel is temporary. It does not define you. It is part of the process. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. Remember that feeling. It will help you make better decisions next time.

3. If you wronged someone, apologize. Don’t let hurt or anger be unresolved. This is necessary in order to move through and past the situation.

4. Ask how you can do things better next time and be sincere about it. Asking others how you can do things better next time is valuable information for you to have. Think of it as having a map and compass when navigating a sensitive situation. 

5. Move on. Don’t dwell on the bad decision or mistake. Let it go! Don’t beat yourself up over it. Learn from it, commit to doing things differently and move on.

Remember that no one is perfect, and we will all make mistakes from time to time. We will all hurt people we love, unintentionally. Remind yourself that it is much better to make mistakes and learn from them than it is to fake perfection. Only a few of us will choose to learn from our mistakes, so be one of the few!