Actions speak louder than words. People can say all the right things, but at the end of the day, how they choose to treat someone else through their actions says it all. I am a big believer in observing people and what they do, rather than what they say – or what they say they are going to do. I like to look for patterns of consistency with what they say and how they act.
Hopefully you have relationships where how people say they feel about you is consistent with how they treat you. But many of us struggle with this in our relationships.
I touched on the beliefs I used to have about myself in a previous post. I’ve listed them again below:
- I give people the benefit of the doubt too much or too many second chances.
- I worry about offending my partner if I stand up for myself.
- I have a hard time recognizing when I am being disrespected. Sometimes it takes someone else pointing it out to me.
- When someone hurts me, instead of setting a boundary with them, I feel like I need to prove my worthiness and why they should value me more.
- When someone hurts me, I need them validate me and my feelings by admitting that they were wrong or disrespectful.
- I don’t even know what respect feels like in a relationship.
- I feel guilty when setting boundaries and worry that I am being unfair. Sometimes I even convince myself that by setting the boundary, I am overreacting.
- I would rather put up with shitty treatment than be alone.
It’s important for us to examine the beliefs we hold about ourselves and what we deserve. If you hold any of these beliefs above, start challenging them. If a friend believed these things about himself/herself, what you say to them? I’m sure you would tell them that they are worthy of being treated with love and respect…And you do, too.
Take a look at your close relationships…Do you find that those people are consistent in their actions with how they say they feel about you?
What to do when people’s actions don’t align with their words
I have struggled with dealing with family members and friends who say one thing and do another. In another post, I shared a strategy I think is helpful.
What I have found is that when people lash out at us, it is not a reflection of our worth. Instead we should choose to see it as a manifestation of their own internal issues. That’s so hard. I know. Maybe they are dealing with stress, insecurity, or personal challenges. That might cause them to project negativity onto others.
Just to be clear, that doesn’t mean their behavior is okay. It’s not. But we choose both how we see it and how we respond. Sending them off with peace spares us the stress of conflict. At the same time, we remove the weight of their negativity from our life. We cannot soar if we carry the weight of those who treat us poorly.
Seeing that how they treat you is how they feel about you
There are several ways to spot the incongruity between words and deeds. I have learned through trial and error to trust my instincts. That sense when something feels off is a good indicator. Maybe you notice that someone has a hard time making eye contact. One of the things my husband did for many years was over explain. That was a huge red flag that he didn’t mean the things he said.
Oftentimes we will want to react in the heat of the moment. And that’s understandable. But ask yourself first, does this help me get what I want from this relationship. Too many times I have found myself chasing intermittent rewards from others, who just don’t feel what they are saying.
As a result, I try not to take such treatment personally, as challenging as that may be. Instead, I strive to be compassionate. By recognizing that this behavior is not about me I have found it easier to respond with understanding. Try it. I think you will find that you’ll be able to maintain your own well-being but also offers the possibility of providing a sense of solace to those who may be suffering.
Video on how they treat you is how they feel about you
Concluding thoughts
So what can we learn? First, let’s try to approach such situations with empathy. This should help us stay detached from negativity. That way, we can maintain our composure and help others in their journey towards healing.
What I love about this is that it is such a powerful lesson in emotional intelligence. When we look respond to negativity with grace and peace, we bless ourselves and others. How many times have you seen this in action? A kind word truly does turn away anger.
Likewise, the way others interact with us tells us more about their own internal landscape. It has no bearing on our worth or character. Spending some time to consider that will help us in the moment. We can accept poor treatment means nothing to us. It’s all about someone else’s feelings and self-perception. And that is a crucial step in maintaining our emotional health and self-esteem.
And finally, remember that we cannot control how others feel or act. We do control our response to their behavior. So do what you can to respond with empathy and maintain our boundaries. By doing so, we empower ourselves to navigate relationships with grace and self-respect.
