It is better to focus on one thing and make it great, than a few and them be mediocre.

Sometimes I really struggle with this. I am on Tamoxifen, which is classified as a chemo drug. I am blessed in that I don’t have any major side effects from it like many others do, but every once and awhile I have a period of time where I really have trouble focusing on one thing at a time. I literally have to catch myself and slow things down, otherwise I will work on everything in front of me and get absolutely nothing done. The good news is, since I have been dealing with this side effect now for 3.5 years already, I have gotten really good at noticing when my brain wants to focus on everything at once. I am able to slow myself down pretty quickly and refocus, but it took me awhile to figure out how to do it.

One of the things that helped me early on was breaking my tasks down into small manageable chunks. Then I would use the Pomodoro Technique and focus on one small chunk at a time. I would set my timer for 25 minutes. For that entire time, I only allow myself to focus on that one small task – and I block everything else out for that period of time. When the 25 minutes are up, I take a break, walk around a bit, check email, etc. Then I come back and get to the next thing on my list and set the time for another 25 minutes and repeat.

Do you struggle with focusing on one thing at a time? What steps can you take to channel your energy towards one thing at a time?

In the movie The Matrix, Neo spends a considerable amount of time running, fighting, and rejecting the notion that he’s a savior of the entire universe. However, when he finally believes the prophecy, he disassociates from all emotion, and a calmness overcomes, allowing him to defeat Agent Smith with one hand behind his back (literally).

But the idea that “the best fighter is never angry” is not necessarily about defeat or fighting. That saying has everything to do with our reactions to conflict. It’s about controlling emotions to fight effectively and peacefully. Although it might not feel like it in the heat of the moment, we are the masters of our actions, thoughts, and emotions, and there are ways to combat flying into an all-out rage when we experience clashes.

Why do we fight? 

Explaining why we fight is like trying to decipher an organic chemistry equation. It’s unique to the individual and their experiences. However, there are physiological reasons. Psychology Today says that besides our personal experiences, we are hard-wired to protect ourselves and our values. As humans, we make rash decisions that keep us locked in toxic fighting cycles that can hinder growth when it comes to conflict.

What are the best ways to handle feelings of anger?

So how do we stay one step ahead of the game and break the cycles that hold us back from progressing? There are so many steps to help when you start feeling angry, but what works for one may not work for another. So, here are some things to get you thinking about alternative, positive ways to handle those angry feelings.

• Identify why you’re angry. To understand why you’re angry is a huge undertaking. Sometimes, we don’t know why we’re triggered, so taking the time to analyze it can be beneficial in more ways than one.

• Give yourself a time-out. If you feel like you’re about to lose it, allow yourself to take a minute to gather your thoughts and calm down. Whether that involves stepping outside or removing yourself from a tense environment, make sure you step away for a few minutes.

• Do breathing exercises. It’s common knowledge that deep breathing can lower your stress response. When you engage in these exercises, your brain gets the signal to relax, helping you calm down in an intense situation.

• Think before you speak. We’ve all had moments where we say things we wish we hadn’t. Thinking before you speak can help calm you down and avoid saying something you may later regret.

• Come up with possible solutions. Shift the focus from anger to figuring out ways to solve your disputes. Trying to wrangle issues from anger can be difficult and add more fuel to the fire.

How can we handle conflict effectively?

You can bet that a conflict of some nature will occur at some point in your life, whether the relationship is romantic, work-related, friend, or family. And acknowledging a conflict exists is the first step to effectively handling the struggle.

Though you aren’t able to control another person’s reactions, you’re able to manage your own. So here are some skills you’ll need in your arsenal for when conflict arises:

• Be a good communicator
• Actively listen
• Find common ground
• Be able to agree to disagree

How to gain control of our emotions?

Emotions aren’t always destructive, and they can be instrumental if we know how to interpret them. But first, you must find out what they are and why you’re feeling them.

They can be tricky to comprehend, let alone gain control over, but it’s not impossible. So ask yourself these questions to gain a better understanding.

1. What emotion am I feeling? (anger, sadness, etc.)

2. What occurred to make me feel this way?

3. What is a constructive way to deal with this emotion?

Breaking down feelings can get exhausting, but worth the work to try and figure out the puzzle of a unique you.

Remember, anger and conflict are a part of our lives, and we have the conscious choice to choose how we react. All that being said, it’s not always easy. A considerable amount of work involves a deeper understanding of yourself and why you feel certain emotions in different situations.

Once you become more aware of why you are feeling anger, a shift will occur. You’ll start to realize that, while all of your emotions are valid, they don’t have to have a permanent seat at the head of your table. They can come in for a visit and leave when it’s time.

Ah, the wisdom of a young Ferris Bueller. Time flies and before we know it, years have passed. We’ve put things off that we thought we would do, and we never get to it.

It’s kind of like Max, played by Jamie Foxx from the movie, Collateral. He spent 12 years driving a cab in Los Angeles, as a “temporary” job while he “put some things together.” What he was putting together for 12 years was his dream business, Island Limos. After a crazy night of driving his customer, a hitman named Vincent, played by Tom Cruise, around killing people, Vincent levels with him. He tells Max 12 years isn’t temporary and his plan is bullshit. He tells him that he was never going to make his dream come true anyway and that all he needed to do was make a down payment on a Lincoln Town Car.

What do you want for your life? What can you start doing today to get closer to achieving your dreams?

When someone is always waging war with other people, they are really at war with themselves. Often times people will start conflict with people, simply to avoid sitting with the uncomfortable feelings they have towards themselves. It gives them something else to focus on and respond to, rather than looking deep inside themselves and addressing what is going on with them inside.

For someone battling a war within themselves, they will often resort to blaming others as a way to start conflict with others.

Our present society appears to regard blaming – the fine art of holding others responsible for all the bad things that happen to us – as completely acceptable. Reality TV present us with scenes of one character blaming another. Newspapers overflow with stories about how all of society’s ills can be attributed to politicians or terrorists. The blame game is our favorite sport.

In psychology, there is a common cognitive bias know as ‘the self-serving bias’. It is best described as when we attribute positive events and successes to our own character or actions, but blame negative results to external factors unrelated to our character. For example, say you take a driver’s test. If you pass, you’ll probably take responsibility for that result: “I studied hard, and I’m actually a terrific driver”. But say you fail the test. Now there is suddenly an external reason – the weather was awful, it wasn’t driving my regular automobile, I didn’t get enough sleep.

But blaming the situation is one thing. But blaming others, especially those nearest to us when things go wrong, can have a negative impact on our relationships, families, and careers.

Why do we blame other people?

1. It is easy to do. Blame means less work because we don’t have to be held accountable or responsible for ourselves when we blame.

2. Blame removes the need to be vulnerable with others. We don’t have to be vulnerable if we don’t have to be accountable. “Accountability by definition is a sensitive process,” argues researcher Brene Brown about blame. It means I’ll call you and tell you how this has hurt my feelings, and we’ll talk about it…. People who place a lot of blame on others rarely have the tenacity and fortitude to hold others accountable…. and this is one of the reasons we miss out on opportunities for empathy.”

3. Blaming other people satisfies our desire for power. When you take accountability and responsibility for yourself, it requires you to acknowledge that there was a time when you did not act in a manner that you are proud of. Not blaming someone also entails listening to their side of the story, which is something you can’t control. But if you blame someone, you have complete control over the story.

4. Blame can act as a release valve. Do you believe you ‘never get upset’ or are the ‘laid-back placid kind’ because you rarely exhibit emotions? Do you, on the other hand, tend to place blame on others when things got tough? It’s likely that you’re blaming others to release the pain that you’re experiencing but suppressing.

5. Blaming others protects your ego. By focusing all the blame on what someone else did, you feel more like the ‘good’ guy than the ‘bad’. Some people also like playing the victim because other people around them and the situation will validate why they are right or were done so wrong. But using blame to feel superior or being a victim stem from a lack of self-esteem.

If you think that blame isn’t something to be concerned about, think again. Blaming others might affect your life and personality in the long run. Here’s what you stand to lose if you don’t act now.

1. Your own personal development. Blame is a form of defense. Continually defending yourself takes up a lot of time. It also prevents you from learning and growing from experiences and adversity.

2. You surrender your own power. When you blame other people for what is happening to you, you give up any kind of ownership that empowers you to change your life. If it is always someone else’s fault, then you are at their mercy for things to change. But if you take ownership of yourself, now you have the authority to make the changes you need to make.

True and lasting transformation happens when the pain of staying where you are is greater than the pain of making the change. Last year, I wrote a post about how the only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself and the steps you can take to challenge the limiting beliefs you have about yourself.

We all have these narratives about why we are the way we are or why our life is the way it is. Then we tend to rationalize our behaviors and stories, so they fit the narrative. On some level, we know it is bullshit. We wouldn’t have to rationalize it if we didn’t.

So let me ask you this. How does your bullshit story work for you? What do you get out of it?

Maybe by believing your bullshit story, you don’t have to take responsibility for yourself and where your life it. Perhaps you get to avoid failure or rejection. Maybe you get to play it safe, never having to take a risk. But the truth is, if you risk nothing, you risk everything.

What fuels our bullshit stories is self-sabotage. And self-sabotage is behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do. Russell Brand describes what self-sabotage really is, and how he was able to stop it.

Are you tired of your own bullshit? Are you ready to unleash your potential and make your move?

Earlier this month, I talked about how as with the butterfly, adversity is necessary to build character in people. I went into detail about the adversity they face in the process of becoming something else, something greater.

Most of us love butterflies. There is a butterfly sanctuary in Pacific Grove, California that we visit whenever we are in the area. Every year between Fall and Spring, thousands of monarch butterflies migrate to this area to spend the cooler months, sheltering in the pine, cypress and eucalyptus trees. It is a beautiful sight to see. So many butterflies in one place, all clustered together, blending into the branches until sunrise. Then they spread their wings and fly around the property.

A butterfly doesn’t become what it is without struggle and destruction of what it once was. Its beauty is created by all it went through to become what it is today. When you think about the most interesting people, it is usually their story of becoming that makes them interesting. Their own struggle, misfortunes, and adversity that they had to overcome is what draws us to them.

Think about it. How many stories of people who have had “success” have you been drawn to that never talk about their challenges and all that they had to overcome? Probably none, right? We just don’t feel compelled by stories that highlight the hardships and difficulties. We love the underdog for a reason. It inspires us and gives us hope. There isn’t one butterfly that didn’t have to fight for their place here. When you see a butterfly, remind yourself of that. You, too, can transform and become the best version of yourself over time. It is never too late.

Time magazine named Elon Musk the 2021 Person of the Year. This is a man who is well deserving of the title, and who truly trusts his own madness. 

If you want to create anything, you have to be willing to trust in your own vision even when other people think you are crazy. Like Steve Jobs said, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”

Elon Musk’s story is fascinating, and it explains what makes him a true outlier. One thing Musk was never afraid of, though, was looking foolish. It didn’t seem to faze him, and he just kept putting one foot in front of the other with his various projects.

The truth is, there will be people around you who will doubt you or think you are crazy to keep pursuing your dream. Don’t listen to them. They aren’t on the same journey as you and they have no business telling you want you can and cannot do. Be so immersed in your own experience of figuring things out that you don’t allow others to discourage you.

If you have ever tried to do something from a distracted or unmotivated state of mind, you can probably recall how much more difficult the action seemed. You may have even procrastinated for a time before moving forward, and when you finally did act, the results you got from those actions were probably not as impressive as you’d hoped. On the other hand, if you have ever approached action from a focused, determined state of mind, your results were undoubtedly better and the actions themselves probably seemed much easier.

When you want to achieve a task or a goal, there are three key considerations to think about before you attempt to move forward with action steps.

The first is clarity. What exactly do you want to achieve? Of course, this would include the outer results you want to create, but also consider the person you will become through the achievement of them. It could be argued that success is not about the outer results at all, but rather the personal growth and development that you experience as a result of the journey.

Grab a notebook and pen, and answer these questions:

• What are the outer results I want to achieve?
• Which qualities and skills would I need to achieve these results?
• Do I have these qualities and skills now?
• If not, how can I develop them?

Your answers to these questions will show you clearly where you stand now, where you want to end up, and whether or not you are ready to begin moving in that direction.

The next important thing to consider is your intention. Without a strong intention to achieve a certain result, you are more likely to hesitate, procrastinate, or give up too early. To determine the strength of your intention, jot down your answers to these questions:

• How important is this goal to me?
• Why do I want it?
• Am I willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it?
• How can I keep my motivation strong if it begins to waver?

If you find that your intention isn’t strong at first, perhaps because of self-doubt or worry, you can easily strengthen it by spending a few minutes each day thinking about your desired outcome and saying to yourself, “I know that this outcome is possible for me, and I intend to receive it now.” Feel the strength of your intention in your heart, in your bones, in the deepest part of you. Know that it will come to pass. Then imagine moving forward with full confidence that your success is assured. Imagine yourself achieving the goal with ease, smiling and feeling great about it.

The completion of these first two steps will prepare you for what comes next, which is action. You will know exactly what you want to achieve, you will have a clear picture of the person you will become through the process, and you will have a powerful, unwavering intention to make it happen. From this focused state of mind, you will have a clear understanding of which steps will get you there, and you will not hesitate to take those steps quickly and decisively.