If you have a problem with something someone does and they don’t see it as a problem, it is unlikely that they will change. We all have our own definitions of what is okay and what isn’t, as well has standards that we have for our relationships.
A few years ago, a friend of mine found herself in quite the dilemma with her then husband. She gave me permission to share her story. At the time her and her husband had a business together, as well as a YouTube channel. One day she was running around getting a script together for their channel and as she walked by him on his computer, he was looking at porn, on of all places, Reddit (who knew?).
One, she was pissed (understandably so) that as she was scrambling to get content ready for their channel and he was just sitting back watching porn. They were on a deadline. She felt like he wasn’t as invested in their endeavors and had been feeling like she was doing a lot more of the work lately. Two, they had stopped having sex. Seeing him look at porn stung because they weren’t being intimate anymore, and it was something that bothered both of them. They had gotten to a point where they were both scared of rejection and of being vulnerable with each other from past issues in their marriage. They kind of let themselves fall into rut of just not trying.
To her, porn wasn’t a dealbreaker, but his attitude about it and other things that we will get to were.
One, he truly didn’t see anything wrong with looking at porn – even if they weren’t having sex. He told her that even if they were having sex, he was still going to look at it. He said he was a grown ass man and if he wanted to look at porn, why should he hide it? (A good question…why did you feel the need to hide it if you didn’t find anything wrong with it?)
Two, as they talked through things, he admitted to talking to a bunch of women online and trading sexual pics. He didn’t find anything wrong with doing that while he was married, either. He claimed that there was no emotional connection, etc. and that it was just for sexual release.
My friend could accept her husband looking at porn but talking to other women online and trading pics was a no go for her. She felt duped by him because he presented himself as someone else. And she felt like he was incredibly selfish. As she struggled to deal with their lack of intimacy while in therapy, he had been getting his kicks online.
The truth is, unless someone either sees an issue with their own behavior or sees that it hurts their partner and it pains them to see their partner hurting, they probably aren’t going to change their behavior because you asked them to.
As painful as that reality might be, it is okay. It is far better for you to find someone who aligns more with what you value in a relationship than to chase after someone who doesn’t. You deserve to have someone show up and meet you where you are today. Life is too short, and it is happening now.
