Those who are hardest to love, need it the most.

Sometimes people make it difficult to love them. Usually, it is because they are fighting battles and demons we cannot understand. Or it is because they were never loved properly and do not understand how to give and receive love. It is easier for them to push people away than to let someone in. Allowing someone to know your pain requires you to be vulnerable, and that can be pretty scary for some folks.

For them, sharing their secrets or inner most thoughts are too much of a risk. They may fear that what they share will be used against them. So to protect themselves, they build walls around themselves and keep people out. They may even preemptively behave in ways that are hurtful so that you never get too close. This is what makes it hard to love them, but this is also why they need it the most.

What makes someone act this way?

Perhaps they were hurt by someone they love. Maybe someone told them they were unlovable. Or maybe their heart has been broken, trust has been broken, and their life has been destroyed. Maybe they suffered abuse as a child from someone who said they loved them, so now they equate love with pain.

There are many things that can happen in life that can make someone hard to love. But there is one universal truth about pain. When you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.

How can you love someone who is hard to love?

1. Love them without expecting anything in return. Often, we love someone because we want to be loved. We place expectations on someone who is incapable of meeting our needs, and this leads to frustration. Remember, expectation is the root of all heartache. If someone is difficult to love already, you have to accept that they may not be able to love you back the way you want them to. Give your love freely, without needing them to love you.

2. Be patient with them. For someone who struggles with showing and receiving love, the very act of being shown love can feel overwhelming to them. They may not know what to do or how to act, and this can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. Take a step back and try again. Perhaps trust has to be established before they start to let their guard down and receive what you are offering them. Don’t force a relationship. Let them be accepting of your love in their own time.

3. Don’t judge them. Unless they have told you what or who has hurt them, you probably don’t understand why they struggle with love. Judging them or making them feel bad for how they feel will cause them to become more withdrawn and retreat further away from you. Be understanding of their feelings. Be respectful of their limitations. This builds a relationship and can lead to trust being established, which may lead to them opening up and talking about their experiences. This is how healing begins.

4. Consider their needs. Do they feel forgotten, rejected, unlovable? What can you do to meet them where they are? Go above and beyond what you think is normal in order to meet their needs.

Remember, loving to someone who is “hard to love”, is not easy. If we can take a step back and not personalize their response to us, we may find it easier to understand where they are at and where they are coming from. Perhaps we will be able to understand the baggage they carry better and how we can best support them through their journey.