Have you ever heard two sides of an argument? While it’s the same story, they sound completely different! So who is telling the truth? How do you know who is right and who is wrong?
At the end of the day, no one is telling you the absolute truth. There are always three sides to a story: the two conflicting ones, and the absolute truth. This isn’t because they are deliberately trying to lie to you. Rather, it’s because there is always a bias, a perspective, and emotions that affect how they perceived the event. It is THEIR truth and it’s valid.
But why are there three sides to a story, even when no one is explicitly lying?
Why There Are Three Sides to Every Story
Personal Bias
As humans, we are never going to be perfect. So, it’s important to also take into consideration that sometimes when we relay a story, we might tweak it according to what serves us in the best way possible. This can even happen without us realizing it, at the subconscious level. It’s human tendency to protect ourselves and avoid rejection.
For example, imagine you had a fight with your partner because you asked him to clean the kitchen but he didn’t take out the trash. He feels you are at fault, because you didn’t tell him to specifically take out the trash. He feels like you are mad at him for no reason because to his mind, you never asked him to take out the trash. He cleaned the kitchen, like he was asked to. But to you, your definition of cleaning the kitchen entails taking out the trash. When you tell the story to others, you might say “I told him to take out the kitchen trash” because to you, that goes without saying when you clean the kitchen. That’s your personal bias.
A personal bias is what happens when we share what serves us. It’s what we think is the truth, or at least what we want the truth to be.
Emotions
Emotions play a huge role in how we perceive an event. For example, when we are stressed out, the smallest comment can feel like a personal attack. When we think about the event later, we might realize that an innocent question like “Did you pay the bills?” felt like judgment in the moment. In an emotional moment, if you are stressed, sad, or angry, you might feel like the other person was suggesting that you were forgetful or irresponsible. This can lead to your version of the event where you believe that the other person is complaining. This can lead to a conflict, where you believe your partner is “always complaining” (leading to the following point).
Cognitive Distortions
As humans, we all have cognitive distortions, impacting the way we interpret and perceive an event. Some common cognitive distortions are exaggerating, over-generalizing, or seeing things as black and white. When we view events through a distorted lens, we can often blow things out of proportion. As mentioned in the example earlier, accusing your partner of “always complaining” is a cognitive distortion, as it is a generalization. Words such as “never”, “always”, “all the time” are key indicators that you might be seeing the event through a distorted lens.
As it’s often said, life is not just black or white; there is always a gray area. The same goes for any conflict or story as well. Whenever someone tells you a story, it’s coming through their perspective and how they experience it. Even if they aren’t lying or trying to deceive you, it is bound to be a slightly different version of the absolute truth.
