Many of the decisions we make in our daily lives are based upon our need to feel comfortable. Most of the time, we stay firmly within our comfort zone. We shy away from activities that are different than the things we usually do, especially if they include the element of risk.

If you have ever avoided taking action on something that you really wanted to do, then you are probably very familiar with that anxious, nervous feeling that says, “Maybe it’s better if I just stay where I am rather than risking something that could lead to disappointment.”

While it’s totally understandable why you would want to avoid putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, it’s crucial for your development to stretch beyond your current capabilities. If you want to keep growing and evolving, both personally and professionally, you must be willing to get out of your comfort zone.

Making the decision to step out of your comfort zone takes courage, but it’s one of the most rewarding things that you will ever do for yourself. You will quickly come to realize that you are capable of so much more than you previously believed. You also get to experience a sense of exhilaration and freedom as you leave your bonds behind and move bravely forward into a better future.

You might be relieved to know that stepping out of your comfort zone can be done in baby steps (yes, like Bob Wiley in What About Bob?), rather than giant leaps. A good way to start is to consider one small step that you can take toward one of your current goals. Make the decision to do it, even if you feel afraid. After taking that step, your courage and confidence will grow so that taking additional steps will become easier and easier. Over time, your willingness to take even bigger steps should continue to grow as you get more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

When you feel tempted to run back to the safety and security of your comfort zone, remind yourself of these two things:

1. A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. 

2. Your comfort zone can be a prison that limits you and has its own set of uncomfortable consequences.

By refusing to stretch and grow as a person, you may become bored, uninspired, and perhaps even fearful. It virtually guarantees that your life cannot get better than what it is today. Rather than charting your own course through life, you are constantly tossed about by the waves of change. And the worst part is, you have no control over where you end up. Eventually you realize that staying in your comfort zone is far worse than any disappointments that you might experience from taking small risks.

Remind yourself often that you deserve better than that. You deserve a life that makes you feel inspired, fulfilled, and happy. But know that you probably won’t get it by sitting on the sidelines and waiting for things to happen. If you will commit to taking even the tiniest of steps toward something that you want, life will rush forward to meet you halfway. The universe is funny like that. And you will feel so good about yourself that you will come to love the process of stretching and growing into something more.

Most of us don’t go around deliberately saying hurtful things to other people, but sometimes we can do it without even realizing it. We might intend to crack a joke, but someone takes offense because they feel like we’re insulting or attacking them. Or we might try to offer some helpful advice or a dose of tough love, but we end up coming across as cruel and judgmental.

If you have ever been on the receiving end of insensitive, harsh words from someone else, then you know all too well how much pain they can cause, even if the other person had no clear intention to hurt you.

To avoid misunderstandings like this, it can be helpful to develop a keen sense of awareness about how you communicate your thoughts to others.

A good place to start is by pausing and thinking for a moment before speaking. Of course, this is not always easy to do while you’re in a fast-moving discussion with other people. But with practice you can learn to do it in just a second or two.

During this brief pause, consider what you are about to say, and whether it might be misconstrued in some way by the other person, or anyone involved in the conversation. Ask yourself, “Is my comment constructive or argumentative? Is it kind or insulting? Will this person find it helpful or hurtful?” Your answers to these questions will help you decide whether your comment would add something meaningful to the discussion or not.

If you still aren’t sure, try to see the comment from the other person’s perspective. How would you feel if they said those words to you? Would you find them helpful? Would you feel like you are being supported or disrespected? Obviously, if you wouldn’t like those words being directed toward you, there’s a good chance that someone else won’t either.

However, this is not always a perfect assessment, because we each have such different sensitivities to various topics. Even if you personally wouldn’t be offended by a specific comment, someone else still might. But at least considering their perspective can help you to be more mindful about potentially hurtful comments.

Finally, consider your intention. What are you trying to achieve with your words? Are you merely trying to express your thoughts and opinions, or are you trying to persuade them to see it your way? Are you trying to defend your position, or are you trying to undermine theirs? By examining your intentions before speaking, you can be more mindful about choosing words that will help you to achieve your goal, rather than moving you further away from it.

Sometimes despite your best intentions, misunderstandings and hurt feelings will still happen. In fact, you probably know certain people who seem to deliberately twist your words and take offense no matter how carefully you try to communicate your thoughts. In cases like this, you can only do your best. At least you will know that your intentions are pure, and you are choosing your words as wisely as you can to facilitate healthy, meaningful discussions.

One summer, I took my 4-year-old niece to the swimming pool. She hadn’t quite learned how to swim and was terrified of the water. But, as we inched our way in, and she witnessed all of the other children playing, she got a little braver and started to go deeper into the shallow end of the pool.

We reached the part where it was about two feet deep, and she let go of my hand. But unfortunately, she lost her balance and went under. I, of course, grabbed her and pulled her back up. But she was so scared when that happened, it was clear irrational fears took over.

She was screaming and kicking, and as I tried to calm her down, I repeated gently, “Baby, put your feet down.” There was a moment through her terrified fit when she finally understood what I was saying, and when this happened, she stopped screaming and put down her feet.

We had a good laugh, and I don’t remember a summer after that incident where she couldn’t swim. But that day, she successfully understood that fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.

Fear affects people differently. Some thrive off it and the adrenaline it provides. And others shutter at the mere mention of it and shut down physically, mentally, and socially. But, in most cases, fear, in all its forms can be debilitating. That’s why it’s good to understand it and find a way to overcome it.

3 Types of Fear

Fear can keep us safe in dire situations and make us react in life-saving ways. However, it can also hold us back and keep us stagnant, so finding a balance is necessary. There are three types of fear that you need to know.

• Rational Fear. This kind of fear means that you are in genuine danger. For example, if someone breaks into your home and you’re scared for your life. Rational fear occurs when you’re in imminent danger.

• Primal Fear. Primal fear is programmed into our brains. For example, if you’re hiking in a forest, and you notice that a bear is chasing you. Or you see a brown recluse spider crawling on your arm. This type of fear is coded into our DNA and makes us act accordingly to protect ourselves.

• Irrational Fear. Irrational fears are things that we have concocted in our minds that don’t make sense. For example, stage fright is a fear based on performance anxiety when speaking or performing in front of a group of people. Despite it being irrational, it’s genuine for people who suffer from this. 

Fear Holds You Back

Fear is powerful and complex. Fear can be a dream killer and keep you from reaching your full potential in your career, personal and spiritual life. Whether it’s a fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown, etc., it’s best to try and get a handle on it if you are experiencing stagnation in any way.

So, here’s something to think about: What if you’re not scared of the thing itself? Could it be that you’re afraid of the story you’ve made up in your head about how bad you’re going to bomb, disappoint someone, or fail? And if those things are true, you’re scared of fear, and it’s not real. In a post last year, I wrote about how sometimes the only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself. Perhaps these stories are feeding your feelings of fear and making them bigger.

How To Overcome Fear

There are several ways to start working on overcoming your fears. Whether it’s something small or more grandiose, these tools can help you get on the right track to becoming all that you were meant to be.

• Analyze your fear. Is it rational, primal, or irrational? Is it something you’ve made up or something that stems from trauma? Answering these questions can help you pinpoint why you are feeling it. And understanding the underlying reason why is crucial to overcoming it.

• Breathe. Fear can do a job on the way you think. Steady breathing slows your heart rate down and allows for a more calm state. The calmer you are, the more rational thoughts you cultivate.

• Face your fear. Facing your fear is the ultimate way not to fear an object or situation. The more you avoid your fear, the scarier it becomes. So, diving right into what scares you the most is a great way to show yourself time and time again that you can overcome it.

Remember, our brains are powerful and can create situations that aren’t real. And fear cuts deeper than any sword. But, if our brains are that powerful, we can use them to overcome these fears and anxieties that keep us down, too. Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is…And most of the time, the wolf never exists.

All throughout high school, I didn’t care for school. I never wanted to be there, and I hated most of my classes. As a matter of fact, any chance I had to skip or sneak out of school I would do it.

I was passionate about writing, but I felt like such a fraud for some reason. I don’t even really know why I did. I had one class that I loved, and it was more for the teacher than the topic. He taught current events and he was different from every other teacher that I had ever had. He was a bit bombastic, but he really taught us how to be critical thinkers. You never knew where he fell on the political spectrum, and he never taught us what to think.

I got over my fraud complex a bit in that class and put forth some effort into a writing assignment he gave us. It was definitely a half-assed effort, but the teacher was very complimentary – which was a big deal. He didn’t hand out trophies to everyone and he was hard to impress.

But it wasn’t until I got into college, and I took a class on creative writing that I began to trust my own madness. It was a small class, and the professor was young and fun. She encouraged us to color outside of the lines and to trust our abilities as a writer. We had these weekly sessions where we read each other’s work and had to give constructive criticism. 

I don’t know what I thought was going to happen in this class, but it never dawned on me that other students would read my writing in class – and actually talk about it. That probably would have dissuaded me from taking the course! But I stuck with it because I really liked the professor, and the class was a mix of really different people.

On our first assignment, I struggled with getting my ideas onto paper. I knew that kind of story I wanted to tell, but I was terrified of judgement from my peers. I was afraid they would think my writing was too dark or really messed up. But finally, after spending hours trying to make the writing more socially acceptable, I said fuck it, and I just wrote it like I felt it and told the kind of story I wanted to tell.

Once I handed out copies to my peers, I thought to myself, okay, this is it. I wonder what kind of feedback I am going to get? Am I going to get kicked out of this class?!

Looking back, it is so funny that I had these insecurities, but I did. I also happened to be at a time in my life where I didn’t exactly see myself as a good person or very creative. I had a lot of negative self-talk and as it turns out my view of myself and my writing didn’t jive at all with how the professor and students saw me.

In our first reading and critique session, I was shocked at the reaction from my peers. There was some constructive criticism, which really helped me improve. But overall, the students loved how gritty the writing was and the vulnerability of the characters. It turns out that the strange, dark and mysterious things I liked to write was actually interesting and compelling. At the end of the class, the professor asked me if she could use my assignment as a sample for her other classes. She said she wanted the other students to know that they can trust their own madness with their writing. I couldn’t believe it and I felt so encouraged.

After this class, I took a Shakespeare class because the same professor was teaching it. She encouraged me to take it after I told her I just didn’t get Shakespeare’s writing. That semester, I ended up falling in love with Shakespeare and the language. I was so invested, I even got my husband and family into it. We went to see Richard III at Yale and I found myself reading more than what was assigned to us.

When it came time for the final, we had a huge paper that we had to write on Henry V. The professor encouraged me to write it in the voice I had developed in the creative writing class, so I did. And as I wrote it, I “trusted the madness”. In the end, the professor called it a graduate level paper and asked to use it as another sample.   

That year I ended up winning a writing award and got published in a small local publication…I also entered a writing contest online and out of hundreds of entries, got an honorable mention. I never thought for a minute that these things would actually happen for me! But they did because I said fuck it and trusted my own madness. And that year I learned that I might actually be able to write fiction for a living.

We all have gifts and talents that can impact the people around us, or even the world. It would be a shame for those things to remain untapped. Like Steve Jobs as said, “The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.” They are the ones who trust their own madness. And they helped create the world we live in today.

Trust the madness inside. You have something to offer the world and you cannot afford to live in potential for the rest of your life.   

By focusing on deriving our happiness from our outer world alone, we are actually setting ourselves up for unhappiness. Why? Simply put, we have very little or no control over those things, yet our inner peace and happiness are dependent on the outcome. When we focus too much on our outer world, we give up control over our own mental state. Think about it like this. When you are in a relationship and you’ve made your partner your end all be all, you’ve essentially placed all your happiness in their pocket. What happens if they decide to end the relationship? What happens if, God forbid, they are in a horrible accident and pass away?

On the other hand, people who feel happy are happy because they are building their inner world. Their inner world is one that they have control over. And as it so happens, when you are focused on building your inner world, your outer world begins to attract positive things that support your inner world.

Our inner world is one we can control, and our outer world is contingent on things we cannot control. This is why many unhappy people blame their outer world. They develop a victim mindset and relinquish their power. Their happiness is tied to things they cannot control, which will inevitably lead to disappointment and sadness. 

Last year, I wrote a post about how a bird sitting on a branch is never afraid of it breaking because her trust isn’t in the branch. It is in her own wings. Her survival isn’t dependent on whether or not that branch breaks from a big gust of wind. It is on her own ability to fly away to safety. She is internally focused and doesn’t worry about what the branch does.

If you find that you are a little too focused on your outer world, here’s how you can begin to build your inner world.

1. Confront your insecurities. Insecurities are normal, and we all have them. But they also damper our everyday lives and can be cumbersome if they rule the brain. So, examining these insecurities is a great place to start building your inner world.

You’ll likely need to dive deep into the abyss to place their origin, and its possible old wounds could resurface. But don’t let that scare you away. Healing can be done in this phase if you’re honest with yourself and willing to acknowledge and face your insecurities head-on.

2. Be responsible for your physical well-being. Science has proved that diet and exercise can significantly help your mental state. When you make healthier choices, you see improvements in mood, thinking patterns, and overall well-being.

Let’s be realistic, though. Is it possible to do this work while vegging out on the couch eating a juicy cheeseburger now and again? Of course! However, implementing a good diet, getting quality sleep, exercising, and hydrating adequately go a long way in improving your inner world. These small, basic things that you can do every day, makes a huge difference in your mindset and how you approach things.  

3. Meditate often. Meditation assists in calming and relaxing your being so the good emotions and ideas can flow through. Incorporating mindfulness into your daily meditation helps you learn how to stay present in the moment. It also helps you learn how to notice your feelings without judgment and let them go.

4. Build a support system. Once you start progressing, you’ll begin to see and feel shifts. You’ll notice changes in your perspectives, ideas, habits, routines, and emotions. And no matter how grand or small the changes, you’ll likely encounter people within your circle who don’t agree with your progression. And that’s okay because not everybody adapts to change well.

But this is why you will need to develop a stellar support system. Find people who see your improvement, are proud to support you in becoming a happier person and who you can give that support to as well.

5. Go into the wild. Nature can be highly therapeutic, and it can be as simple as taking your lunch hour to go outside for a walk or sitting on your back porch listening to the birds.

As a society, we’re constantly tuned into something, scrolling away on our phones or typing furiously at our jobs. So, stepping out among the trees and wild animals can help disconnect from the information overload we experience daily, and reconnect you to your inner world. For me, this is where my soul is nourished.

6. Make your home comfortable. Too much clutter anywhere isn’t good, and to work through these steps, you’ll want to land in a spot where you feel comfortable and relaxed. My husband and I have this ritual when we are done working for the day, where we make our home “homey”. This entails lighting candles, putting on fairy lights that we have on trees in our living room and lighting up these little geeky Pixel Pals we have sprinkled through our bookcases. It sets the vibe for the night and just feels…like home to us.

7. Practice gratitude. Practicing gratitude can bring light to your positive emotions, reduce stress, and help you on the journey to discovering your inner world. It doesn’t have to be a grandiose display of gratefulness. It can be something minor, like being thankful a butterfly landed on your hand or saying, “thanks” to someone holding the door open for you. Every day I like to write down at least three things that I am grateful for. For me, when I have gone through difficult times, looking back at all that I am grateful for has helped me feel hopeful about the future – even when it is uncertain.

It is okay to fall into the water. You can even stay in it for a little while, treading water. But if you choose to stay in it for a long time, you will drown.

Grief and loss can be overwhelming and make us feel like we are already drowning. Moving on from it, is truly a process and sometimes it isn’t linear. I know for me, I have moved through the five stages of grief, only to come back again to another step in the process at various times.

The 5 Stages of Grief

1. Shock and Denial. This might be the death of a loved one, a betrayal of some kind or news of a medical illness. It might be the loss of your job. Nonetheless, in this first stage, we don’t want to believe it is happening.

Before I was officially diagnosed with cancer, I was convinced that there was some mistake in my scans. Maybe what looked suspicious on the imaging was really benign. Maybe there was some kind of mix up with the biopsy report at the lab. I was definitely in denial. I had zero symptoms and was happy. How could this be happening? Plus, I was so young! This had to be a mistake……right?

2. Anger. Now that you can no longer deny that this is happening, you feel waves of anger about it. And understandably so! While it might be unfair and unjust, it is happening. And it’s okay if you’re mad about it.

3. Bargaining. It is natural to want to attempt to bargain your way through trauma. It is here where we may seek to change the circumstances of the situation causing us grief.

Before my grandmother passed away when I was a teenager, I pleaded with God for her to live. I promised to be a better person, etc. She was like a mother to me, and I felt like I still needed her guidance, comfort and presence in my life. I had no idea how my life would be without her in it. Bargaining is part of the process because it allows us to have a sense of control when we feel helpless in the situation.

4. Depression. After going through denial, anger and bargaining and finding no change in the outcome, we feel the full weight of the sadness we feel over the loss. It is normal and okay to feel depression when grieving. It is important to keep an eye on these feelings, though. Sometimes depression from a loss or traumatic event could lead to clinical depression or PTSD. This article can help you understand the difference between situational depression and clinical.

5. Acceptance. This is when you come to terms with the loss or situation. It doesn’t mean that you’re “over it” or no longer feeling grief. You may even experience waves of grief from time to time. It also doesn’t mean that you are okay with what happened – because you never may be. What it does mean, is that you have chosen to accept this new reality as it is and are choosing to moving forward the best way you can.

Grief looks different for everyone and like I said earlier, it isn’t a linear process. I spent a lot of time bouncing all over the first four stages when I was diagnosed with cancer. No two journeys through grief will be the same.

The only way out of something is through it. If you stay in steps one through four for too long, it will consume you and you will drown. Know that choosing acceptance and moving on doesn’t mean you don’t care about what happened or aren’t still hurting. What it does mean is that you are choosing to live your life, despite the hurt and pain you may feel. You know that you are here for a reason and still have a story to tell. And you never know…your story of how you overcame this situation, may become someone else’s survival guide during their times of grief.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne, played by Tim Robbins, has been wrongfully convicted of killing his wife and is serving time in prison. One day he is chatting outside with another inmate, Red, who is played by Morgan Freeman. Red is in prison for life for murder and by his own admissions, has become institutionalized. Andy talks about what he wants to do when he gets out of prison and Red discourages him from thinking about what life will be like on the outside. Andy wants to go to Mexico and Red tells him that Mexico is far away and that Andy is in prison and that’s just the way it is. Andy says, “Yeah, right, that’s the way it is. It’s down there and I’m in here. I guess it comes down to a simple choice, you know? Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

When things feel hopeless and we feel stuck, it can be easy to give up and just make peace with where we are in life, even if we don’t like it. But the truth is, you never know when the tide will turn. It is usually when we are on the brink of giving up, something miraculous happens.

Andy Dufresne teaches us that even in the moments of our deepest despair, we can keep busy one of two ways: spending our time accepting our fate that causes us to feel like we are dying inside, or we can focus all that energy and effort on working towards something that we want – even if it’s a long shot.

You never know when the odds will change and be in your favor, so keep going and don’t give up hope. If you are a fan of the show The Amazing Race, we see this theme play out in every episode. During the legs of the race, contestants get delayed or get held up at different roadblocks and detours and sometimes even get lost on their way to the pit stop. You always keep racing because you never really know if you are in last place and in danger of being sent home. You might be ahead of someone who got lost. If you just believe and accept that you are going home, you won’t put forth the maximum energy and effort that might keep you in the game.

Another way to look at this quote is, are the things that you are doing daily support your dreams and the life you say you want? Or are they keeping you stagnant or moving you away from that? Either way our time is passing, and we are here for a limited time. How are you spending your time?

In Batman Begins, a young Bruce Wayne falls down a well and he fears the bats inside it. His father is lowered down into the well and brings his son up to safety. As they are walking into Wayne Manor, Alfred says that he took quite a fall. His dad is carrying Bruce and says, “Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

His dad sees this as an opportunity for Bruce to learn how to pick himself up and it is such a great lesson. The truth is, we are all fall at times. We struggle with addictions, unhealthy thought patterns and memories that haunt us. These things happen so we can learn how to navigate through them and get back onto our feet. It doesn’t matter how many times we get knocked down, either. What matters is how many times we get up.

If you are feeling tired of being knocked down, watch this: