In the 1985 movie, The Breakfast Club, anti-hero John Bender is mouthing off to Assistant Principal Richard Vernon, while in detention. His defiance is funny, but finally, Richard Vernon says to him, “You know something? You ought to spend a little more time trying to make something of yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off.”

In the movie, Bender is kind of a jerk in the beginning. He takes great pleasure in making others uncomfortable, he doesn’t show respect to anyone, he bullies Brian and sexually harasses Claire. But by the end of the movie, he actually becomes kind.

When we are young and in school, that is our world. We want to be seen a certain way and accepted. Or we don’t want to be accepted and want to be seen as rebel. We are really focused on how our lives look, rather than how it feels. And it is understandable as we are coming into our own at that age that we place such an emphasis on impressing others.

But we see this play out today as adults with social media. We compare our lives and worst moments with other people’s carefully curated highlight reels. It’s an unfair comparison that mostly like does not mirror reality in the least.

When you spend more time trying to find ways to impress others, you miss out on appreciating the moment. You become more prone to chasing after their approval. And the truth is, if you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.     

Personal growth is an integral part of happiness. It’s something that we try incredibly hard to achieve throughout our lives. We look to influencers, books, and other sources searching for that ‘ah ha’ moment to catapult us into a different realm. Honestly, most of us work extremely hard to find that happy medium to live our lives in harmony. So, when people come along to wreck that growth (and they will), it can negatively affect you moving forward. So, let’s break down this quote in detail.

Your Growth

It’s important to note that your growth belongs to you. Nobody other than yourself is responsible for it, and you own it outright.

While it can be tough to start making changes on your path to growth, it is crucial. Remember, your comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there (https://mindsetmadebetter.com/2021/09/29/a-comfort-zone-is-a-beautiful-place-but-nothing-ever-grows-there/). And those changes don’t have to be monumental. You can start small and add more significant things later. Here are some things that could help you along this self-discovering journey.

• Read
• Wake up earlier
• Make lists
• Start exercising
• Keep a journal
• Learn how to self-reflect
• Acknowledge your weaknesses
• Acknowledge your strengths

Your Growth Scares People

Sadly, there are people (and probably in your circle) who revel in the failure of others out of their own insecurities and their own fears of what real growth means. 

Keep in mind this has nothing to do with your journey. You own the responsibility of your self-development and the only person you should ever be in competition with is who you were yesterday.

Recognizing these people, especially when they’re close friends or family members, can be painful and difficult. However, if they have taken an active part in halting your growth, it’s wise to take a step back and reassess how you want to handle those relationships.

Your Growth Scares People Whose Sense Of Security Depends On…

As unfortunate as this sounds, there may be some people in your life who are dependent on your lack of growth. Perhaps they have created a security blanket and attached themselves to your lack of action and doing little to further yourself.

Here’s the real deal. Whether or not someone chooses to grow, it entirely up to them. As they say, change in life is inevitable and growth is optional. What other people choose to try to make of their lives is their journey. Should they decide to bank on your stagnation, do not allow it to impact your own propulsion into a better place mentally and/or physically. Remember, it is okay to let go of the things you have outgrown on your journey.

Your Growth Scares People Whose Sense Of Security Depends On Your Stagnation

Just as your growth is your responsibility, so is your stagnation. You have the choice to embark or park. But that choice should be based on your motivation. In other words, don’t ever let anyone hold you back for any reason.

Change and discovery are often challenging, but if you want it bad enough, there is always a way forward. And you are struggling with finding that path, keep at it. You will find your way.

At the end of the day, if your growth scares people whose sense of security depends on your stagnation, it’s really none of your business. You are not here in this life to make sure others feel better about themselves at your own personal expense. So, keep working, build your circle of positive forces, and keep pushing through complex parts of the journey. Don’t ever let anyone sway you in the path of regression.

This meaning behind this Zen quote is similar to the meaning of a quote often attributed to Henry David Thoreau. Thoreau said, “Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”

The same idea is stated in, “The bird of paradise lands only on the hand that does not grasp.” It means don’t focus all your time effort and energy on chasing happiness. Instead, focus on living a full life where you experience and appreciate the world around you. Fall in love with life. And when you do this, happiness will land gently in your hand. It will find you, rather than you having to go out and chase it.

This quote reminds me of the Law of Attraction. I’ve written about the science behind it in previous posts. You can find it one of them here. But let’s go over it briefly and talk about how to manifest happiness. 

What is the Law of Attraction?

The law of attraction suggests you attract what you think about. If you’re feeling positive thoughts, you’ll attract positive results. If you’re full of negative thoughts, you’re more likely to attract negative situations. Basically, like attracts like.

To practice this, you have to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and realize that this philosophy is based on the principle that thoughts are energy. And if you put positive or negative energy out into the universe, it will respond in kind.

So, if you’re pining for that raise, or wanting to start your own business, etc., start thinking about it in positive ways. Leave all the “what if’, and ‘I can’t’ talk behind.

What Is Manifestation?

Manifestation is an extension of the law of attraction. It’s the practice of thinking positive thoughts or saying aloud affirmations and bringing them to life. Since it’s recently become popular, there’s information about it everywhere. And there are many ways to start manifesting.

How Do I Manifest?

Like I said, there’s a lot of information on this subject, and some people say there are particular ways to manifest things. But others say that the method doesn’t really matter. However, the following steps are an excellent way to start this journey.

1. Make your goals extremely clear.

What do you want? Is it a new house, or a better job? If either of those things is what you want, state it plainly and get detailed. For example, ‘I want a new house that is two stories, blue on the outside, and has a white picket fence in the South part of my town. I want grey, marble countertops,” etc. Picture the perfect house in your head – every detail counts.

2. Write it down and ask for it.

Once you have every detail lined out, write it down. You can pray, meditate, use a vision board or say it aloud. You can even write a letter. Whatever you choose, make sure that you ask for what you want in every detail.

3. Express gratitude.

Be sure to express gratitude for the things you’ve already received. No matter how small or big, this is a significant step. If you express gratitude, you’re letting the universe know that you are thankful for everything that has crossed your path.

When you’ve done all of these steps, start actively working towards what you want. When you feel negativity trying to push its way through your thinking, remind yourself of all that you are already grateful for and what you are working towards.

There are many ways you can attract and manifest, but the one common aspect is positivity.

Remember, attraction and manifestation require active steps towards your goals. You can’t just think positively about them, ask for things, express gratitude, and then expect it to happen the next day. You must create a plan and then take massive action.

By doing these things, you will find that you won’t have to chase and grasp the bird of paradise. He’ll be attracted to your positive vibe and land on your hand when the moment is right. Just have patience! Patience, my love! (<- said in my best Gollum voice)

In The Incredibles, Edna Mode gives us great advice in all her scenes. She is a costume designer for superheroes. When Mr. Incredible visits her to make him a new suit, she examines his old one, calls it a hobo suit, says he can’t be seen in it, and throws it in the trash. Confused, Mr. Incredible removes it from the bin and says, “what do you mean? You designed it!”. Edna replies, “I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.”

It’s important to always be looking forward because what may have been a good option 15 years ago, might not be one in the present. Just because it worked once before should be a reason to blindly do the same thing and not explore all options.

In a previous post, I referenced one of my favorite Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes from Self-Reliance. Emerson says, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds”, meaning don’t allow your current ideas and opinions to be dictated by what you used to think. We are all allowed to evolve and change our opinions, feelings and approaches to what we do. That is the beauty of being human. As time goes on, we learn more about ourselves and grow in different directions.

Do you find yourself looking back, distracting from the now? How much have your feeling and opinions changed in the last few years?   

Human beings spend a fair amount of time trying to avoid pain. We try to escape our emotional pain by staying too busy to notice it, or by smothering it with various addictive substances and activities. Our commitment to avoiding physical pain is no different, either.

Of course, it’s not a big mystery why we do this. Pain doesn’t feel good. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable, or even excruciating and downright unbearable at times. No one wants to experience that kind of discomfort, so we do whatever we can to avoid it. And all of this is human nature. We are hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

The problem is, trying to escape our pain or numb it with unhealthy substances is rarely effective in the long run. It might provide some relief in the moment, but the pain only comes back again and again until we identify the root cause and resolve it.

When it comes to emotional pain, the root cause is usually unresolved painful feelings or old trauma that has not yet been healed. The old pain cycles keep replaying on a loop, re-wounding us again and again until we face it, process the feelings, and move through them. 

In this case, the best way out is always through, because once we have allowed ourselves to fully feel the pain and integrate the lessons learned from the painful experiences, then our healing can begin. For deeper traumas, it may be necessary to work with a qualified mental health expert who can make this process safer and more comfortable to navigate.

Healing physical pain can be a little more challenging, especially when there appears to be no clear cause for it. We might undergo numerous medical scans and tests, only to be told that there’s nothing wrong with us. But our persistent, chronic pain says otherwise. Very often, unresolved emotional pain can manifest in the body, in which case the above process of working through the feelings can help a great deal.

In the meantime, it’s also helpful to practice surrendering to the pain rather than trying to resist it. Practice relaxing into it and being present with it, rather than tightening up and fighting against it, which usually provides some relief.

We can even enter into a dialogue with our body and ask it questions like, “What are you trying to tell me? What can I do to make you feel better?” Sometimes this can yield surprising answers, such as, “Stop working so hard and allow more time for rest,” “Stop hating me so much for not being perfect,” or, “I don’t feel good when you eat a lot of sugar.”

The most important thing is to see the pain as a red flag, a signal that something needs our attention and care. When we learn to see pain as our partner in healing, and when we stay open to the messages it has to share with us, it will usually soften and open up to reveal the answers and solutions that will bring about the healing we need.

During a speech in Washington, D.C, in 1883, world-renowned writer and orator Robert Ingersoll gave an address where he complimented Abraham Lincoln. In that speech, he said something along the lines of, “If you want to judge a man’s character, give him power.”

This quote has widely been spread across social media platforms and even out of the mouth of politicians as something Abraham Lincoln uttered himself. However, it was Robert Ingersoll who said it and praised Lincoln for acquiring absolute power while staying true to his honest nature.

But regardless of its origin, its meaning remains the same. Essentially, it means that if you’re in a position of power and your character is sound, you won’t abuse that power at anyone’s expense. So, it’s a great quote that reminds us to stay grounded when we hold any authority and to expect nothing less from our leaders.

Qualities of A Good Leader

When we think of leadership, we often think big, like heads of state, politicians, etc. However, a person can have many different kinds of leadership roles that don’t involve government. And with social media at its peak, it’s not too far from anyone’s grasp.

So, if you’re thinking of becoming an influencer, public servant, or are looking to get behind the ideas of a leader, here are some qualities a good leader should possess.

Impeccable Listening Skills

More important than speaking, a good leader should actively listen. When you hear and understand what others convey, you gain a greater perspective. People like to be seen and heard, and the ability to tune in is essential.

Ability To Communicate Effectively

Often, things get lost in translation, and miscommunication is a big part of conflict. Clear communication can help get your message across and cut down on misunderstandings.

Accountability

Taking responsibility for your actions and giving credit where it’s due is important in cultivating outstanding leadership. Being accountable and taking ownership empowers you to make the changes that need to be made and act on your ideas.

Growth Mindset

There’s a lot to be said about having a mindset that encompasses growth. You must have a vision and a way to see that vision through to the end. And somewhere along the journey, you’re likely to hit roadblocks. So having this mindset helps keep a positive attitude and understand the importance of persistence.

Focus on Others

A leader should focus on their inner-self, their outer-self, and most importantly, others. Doing this brings about an ability to learn about themselves while learning about others. It’s an awareness and intelligence that helps one lead effectively.

However you look at it, leadership is complex. Once a person is in a position of power, the temptation to stay true to your character can become difficult. Lines get blurred, and some people are in it for the wrong reasons. However, if you remain true to yourself and your mission, you can accomplish great things.

Autumn has always been my favorite season. Growing up in New England, I got to experience the full wonder of the four seasons. Now that we live across the country, the change of seasons is much later in the year and certainly not as profound.

Every chance I get, I love to visit home in the Autumn. And if I can’t make it back, I will order apple cider and apple cider donuts and have them shipped to me frozen. Because, seriously, why not? And I need these little reminders of home in my life!

But what I love about the transitional season of Autumn is the winding down of long summer days spent at the beach and in the pool to crisper mornings and the smell of the leaves after the rain. As the colors of the leaves change into vibrant various shades, and the evening air becomes filled with the scent of chimney smoke, the days get shorter. And soon the trees will shed their leaves and Winter will arrive.

Autumn is not afraid to let go of certainty. It graciously lets go of what makes it a truly spectacular time of the year, knowing that it will experience it again soon. It knows that this season was just a chapter in their story and there are many more chapters to be written.

Embrace uncertainty. As much as the unknowns can feel scary, letting go and letting the universe unfold as it should offers something greater. It offers freedom.

While it is natural to want to control the things around us, the truth is, we will never have control over everything. What we will always have control over is how we choose to experience what is happening.

When we let go of what we cannot control, we are free to fully take in the present moment and enjoy it. For example, say you are in a long-distance relationship, and you are visiting your significant other. If you focus energy on how short your time together is, you will miss more opportunities to enjoy yourself and bond with him or her. But if you accept that you have a limited amount of time together and you are going to make the best of it, you will be free to really experience your time together and a make deeper connection.

Getting caught up in the negatives and ruminating on the things we cannot control simply rob us of joy and opportunity in the present. What are you afraid to let go of? What kind of opportunities would you have in the present if you chose to let go of it?

Have you ever felt as though your words were not being received and understood in the spirit in which you intended them? Maybe you were trying to have a meaningful discussion with someone, and they acted like you were verbally attacking them. Or maybe you were trying to be encouraging but they felt like you were being dismissive or insensitive to their feelings.

When misunderstandings like these happen, the problem might not be that your communication skills are lacking, but rather that your intended audience isn’t quite right for the message you’re trying to convey. No matter how many different ways you word it, it seems as though you’re shouting into an abyss and the message isn’t getting through.

As human beings, we share many commonalities, but we are also very different in many ways. We each see the world around us through a filter that is heavily influenced by our personal experiences. This might include the way we were raised, our life experiences and our unique family dynamics. Traditions and mannerisms of our culture and society also influence this filter. Even our previous interactions with other people can have a lasting impact on our future interactions going forward.

That’s why no two people will hear the same thing coming from your lips, even if you spoke identical words to both of them. In fact, you could say exactly the same thing to five different people, and each of them would hear something slightly different and take away a unique conclusion from the conversation.

You have probably already discovered that communicating with people who are similar to yourself is usually easier. These are people who have likely had a similar upbringing as you have. Their family dynamics, life experiences and even their cultural traditions are very aligned with your own. This makes it easier for them to really hear what you are saying. They likely understand where you are coming from. And the odds of misinterpretation are greatly reduced because you share such similar values, experiences, and communication styles.

Does that mean that it’s impossible to communicate effectively with people who are quite different than yourself? Not at all. It just means that your conversations might require a little more forethought and sensitivity on both sides.

A good way to start is by considering your goal before you begin the conversation. What are you trying to accomplish? What is the outcome or aim that you are trying to achieve? Also, consider the person or people to whom you will be speaking. How you might be able to tailor your message so that they are more likely to truly hear and receive it?

For example, a practical, logical person would probably appreciate a more direct approach, while a sensitive and emotional person might respond better if you invite them to share their thoughts and feelings about a situation before jumping right in to express your own.

Simply by considering your audience and the message you wish to convey beforehand; you can avoid misunderstandings and greatly increase the effectiveness of your communications with others.