When someone we care about it going through a tough time, it is natural to want to help them get through it and give advice. But you have to remember that it is easy to give someone advice about what to do when you don’t have to do what you have advised. The “payer” is the person who takes action. They live with the consequence of each action they take.

With that in mind, how can you be a good advisor?

1.) Actively listen. As your friend is telling you what is going on, don’t be thinking about your response or what you would do to fix the situation. Focus on them and how they are feeling. Try to understand how they are feeling and what may be a stake for them. Sometimes just having someone listen to you helps you sort out what to do on your own.

2.)  Ask them if they want your advice. Sometimes people just want to rant and feel seen and heard. You can always ask, “I think I might have some ideas on how you can improve the situation. Would you like to hear them?”

3.) Don’t be judgmental of how they are feeling or what they are going through. It takes vulnerability for someone to open up and share their feelings. If you make statements like, “Oh, you should have done X”, even with the best intentions, you can sound judgmental. Plus, the situation has already happened. Avoid asking questions that begin with “why”. If your friend feels like she is worthless, your natural reaction could be “Why do you feel that way?” because of your own disbelief. To someone else, it could sound judgmental, like she shouldn’t feel that way. A better question to ask is “What is happening that is making you feel worthless right now?”. Now you can get a better understanding of what has triggered these feelings.

4.) Be collaborative and allow the person to lead where the problem solving goes. Remember, they are the ones who have to take action and live with the consequences of what they choose to do. You can say something like, “I don’t really have all the answers, but maybe we can figure out what the right thing for you to do is together.” Allow them to come up with different ideas and give feedback. After you have game planned different actions or solutions, check in with them by asking them how they are feeling about it.

The history behind this quote references many types of persecution and oppression that has happened in our world. I love this quote because it is empowering when thinking about all of our smaller, personal struggles.

When you think about seeds in their raw form, they don’t look at all like what they will become. They stay buried in dirt, devoid of any evidence of growth or change. They may remain dormant for a long time. But they are there, just beneath the surface, evolving in ways we cannot see yet.

It takes certain conditions, like nutrients in the ground, sunlight, water and most importantly, time, for the seeds to truly transform into something beautiful. They have to abandon their smaller form of a seed and trust that the process of growing and evolving will yield a better, stronger version of themselves – even though they remain beneath the surface for a period of time.

Creation can be quiet. Struggle allows us to develop the strength we will need once we have fully transformed.

If you are in a dark place right now, don’t give up. This is part of the process of creating something amazing. There is a plan for your transformation, and you will emerge more magnificent than you ever thought possible.    

Beauty is defined by people in so many different ways. However, the way I like to look at this is a little different.

As humans, we tend to categorize things in our minds automatically, and often on a superficial level. For today, let’s not ascribe beauty to people or objects. Let’s say “everything” in that quote refers to challenges and circumstances that we face in life.

Not too long ago I had a job at a tech company. I felt immense pressure to find a good job with health benefits because my husband had recently been laid off. I had been so excited to get this job and thought that it would be a perfect fit for me. However, I quickly realized that my boss was downright inappropriate and abusive. Almost every day, she would scream and degrade someone on my team in front of everyone. I think in a sadistic way, she liked humiliating people and making them feel like they weren’t good enough for the role that she, ironically, had hired them for. If I made a mistake, she was quick to point it out to anyone and everyone and then make me fix it by calling a client in front of everyone, as she stood there, sneering and telling me exactly what to say. As an introvert, this was not easy for me at all.   

By all accounts, my situation sucked. I was more stressed than I had ever been at a job. I wanted to push back and tell her she couldn’t treat me or my co-workers the way she was treating us. But we were all scared of her and of losing our jobs. I had never cried on my way home from work from a job, but this became a part of my nightly routine. After six weeks, I just couldn’t deal with her management style and I quit. I had no savings, or another job lined up. But I knew that if I had stayed there, my mental health would continue to deteriorate.

Leading up to my departure, I saw beauty everywhere at this company. I learned so much there – how to stand up for myself, how to be assertive, how to push back and how to trust my gut when I felt like it was time to leave. I went for my daily walks during my breaks anyway, even though my boss had voiced concern about me not being at my desk during a “break”. I kept my positive and upbeat attitude when working with colleagues and clients. I knew that my time there was limited and that when I felt ready to pull the plug, that was what I was going to do.

I am so grateful for this experience because it fundamentally changed how I approach vetting a company and boss I may want to work for. It showed me that following my gut is always right. In my mind, there was no doubt that I would find something that was a better fit for me. I wish I could bottle the confidence I felt in those moments.

Sure enough, in less than two weeks I was hired at a company in a role that was truly my dream job. The two bosses that I ended up working for saw my talent and value from day one.

When you feel like giving up, or that what you are going through feels like there is no end in sight, remember that even in our darkest times, there is beauty. There is something for us to learn. And always remember that the night is always darkest just before the dawn. And your dawn is coming.

We all fall sometimes. Whether it’s an unhealthy mindset, relationship or an addiction. What defines us is how we rise after falling. But how can we do that if we are in the same environment that led us down this place that made us sick?

When a flower doesn’t bloom, what do we do? If we want the flower to grow and thrive, we have to change the environment. Maybe where it was planted was too dark, or maybe it wasn’t getting enough water. We can continuously change the environment until we find the right one for it to blossom and flourish.

If you are an addict in recovery, you have to change your people, places and things to stay in recovery. Chances are certain people and situations enabled you to stay in active addiction. It’s nearly impossible to stay around those things and be well. Since you want to be in recovery, staying in those situations no longer serves you because you choose recovery.

The same thing is true in unhealthy relationships. If you’re in an abusive relationship, your self-esteem is likely being eroded away every day. The longer you stay in that situation, you can begin to lose sight of who you are, how important you are and how much you matter. If you choose to stay in the relationship, you have to start adding people in your life who aren’t negative reinforcers so you can start to heal. To fully heal, you will eventually have to leave if your partner doesn’t make an effort to change his behavior.     

You deserve to be in place where you are nourished and healed. Is your current environment helping you or hurting you?

We learn more about who we are and what we are made of when we go through adversity. Overcoming difficult challenges builds our character. To overcome, we need to learn how to become more resourceful, how to rely on ourselves and who we can trust. We become more resilient, which builds our confidence to know that no matter what, we are going to get through this and be okay.

Many entrepreneurs have said time and time again that they have learned so much more from their struggles than their successes in business. Without struggle, we can’t learn about ourselves or the world around us or appreciate our success when we finally achieve it. In our struggles, we learn what works and what doesn’t. It’s insight we would never have if we didn’t go through the struggle.

Prosperity without adversity can cause us to be ignorant to the world around us. We can begin to lose sight of our own vulnerabilities and the real struggles of others. If we didn’t have to put in blood, sweat and tears to become prosperous, how much can we really appreciate what we have?