I repeat this quote to myself when I am considering sabotaging my entire day of eating because I had something unhealthy to eat. It’s like, well, I ate poorly for lunch, so I might as well have a free for all and just get started on my diet tomorrow.
You know what I’m talking about. Tomorrow is that magical place where our big ambitions go to die if we buy into our own rationalizations of nonsense.
It is easy to feel defeated after a setback. We are imperfect and we are going to make decisions that don’t align with our goals all the time. And guess what? That’s okay.
When you feel like giving up because you’ve encountered a setback, remember that all this is, is really one setback. It doesn’t mean everything is ruined or over. Try not to fall into the trap of catastrophizing what has happened.
Ask yourself if you got one flat tire, if you would just say the hell with it and slash the three remaining perfectly functional tires? Of course you wouldn’t. So why would you give up on your goal because of one flat tire? You’d put the spare on it, drive it to the mechanic and get it replaced. And then you would be back on your way.
Remember that achieving our goals is about progress not perfection. It is impossible to be perfect every time. When you have a setback, dust yourself off and just keep going.
While this quote is referenced in the Bible, it can also be applied to how we spend our time in general. When you have two competing priorities in life, you can’t completely fulfill both of them. We only have so much time in one day and only so much energy to give.
We often hold onto things, trying to do it all, just because we are uncomfortable with making a choice. In our culture we have been taught that we can have it all. But can we really? Should we really?
When we have so many plates spinning, we can’t fully engage with any of them with all of our heart and effort. We become frazzled and go back and forth to each master, never fully accomplishing what we want and, in the process, becoming resentful of the other.
We need to decide what is in our hearts and what really matters. When we can do that and we know the reason why it matters, then we can begin to align our actions with what our priorities are.
A few years ago, I volunteered my time as a crisis counselor for an amazing organization. I worked with people from all ages and walks of life. The work I did gave me an intimate look at how many horrific traumas people have gone through, and different stages of the process they were in while dealing with it. I admired their courage to talk about it and release themselves from the burden of carrying it all on their own.
Trauma is not something we choose. It changes us. Whether it’s a one-time event, diagnosis of a chronic or terminal medical illness or ongoing, relentless distress, that trauma, whatever it is, becomes part of us, whether we want it to or not. Sometimes it leaves us very real changes, like physical changes or psychological changes like PTSD or panic disorder. If you have experienced trauma, know that it wasn’t your fault and that you didn’t deserve for it to happen.
In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” We can’t change what happened to us. But we can change how we respond to it.
Healing from our trauma allows us to take back our power. We get to choose from that point forward how things are going to go. What we can do in taking back our power becomes limitless. We get to determine what we will do with our experience and how it will shape us going forward. But more so, healing is our responsibility. While we aren’t responsible for what happened to us, we are responsible for healing ourselves.
Interestingly, researchers have discovered that many people who experience trauma, also experience incredible growth. As in, more than your average person who hasn’t experienced trauma themselves. Called post-traumatic growth, it is defined as “positive psychological change that is experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.”
In a recent Scientific American article, they list seven areas of growth seen in people who experience high levels of adversity:
Greater appreciation of life
Greater appreciation and strengthening of close relationships
Increased compassion and altruism
The identification of new possibilities or a purpose in life
Greater awareness and utilization of personal strengths
Enhanced spiritual development
Creative growth
The article is a fantastic read and goes into depth about this topic, in layman’s terms. It highlights different facets of the process and the struggles that one can overcome to get to that place of incredible growth. You can read the full article here.
While the idea of healing and post-traumatic growth sounds fantastic, it takes time. A lot of time. And it isn’t easy. Sometimes it takes therapy. Working through what wounded you is a gift you can give yourself – a gift you 100% deserve. You were created to live a victorious, extraordinary life.
And if you are struggling right now, know that you are not alone. We all fall sometimes, and it is okay. It’s okay to grieve and be where you are right now – just don’t stay there. In a previous post, I talked about how you can start the healing process. You can read it here. What change to you choose for yourself?
Video for Trauma creates changes you don’t choose. Healing is about creating change that you do choose.
Additional Resources for Dealing with Trauma
Judith Herman helped shape our understanding and treatment of psychological trauma. Her book, Trauma and Recovery continues to guide many experts. The book has two parts. The first part covers the nature of trauma. As you may have guessed, the second part focuses on the recovery.
Understanding Trauma
To start, Herman discusses the history of how society has understood traumatic disorders. She defines trauma as an affliction of the powerless. Furthermore, she outlines the commonalities between survivors of various forms of trauma. To expand, Herman breaks down the symptoms of trauma in three categories.
The first is hyperarousal. Have you ever had a sense of someone watching you? Then every thing you saw or heard is so much more crisp and clear. That’s hyperarousal. Your senses pick up on everything. In the case of severe trauma, you experience what Herman calls a “persistent expectation of danger”.
The second element is intrusion. Intrusive thoughts are often unwanted and unexpected. For me they take the form of negative self-talk. I will tell myself how much I hate my life. But I don’t feel that. It’s my trauma taking over and intruding on my day to day life. In the case of severe trauma, that traumatic event replays unconsciously.
The final category is constriction. This occurs when a survivor of trauma chooses to block out the pain. These tactics may take the form of addictions or self-harm. In any instance, people in effect surrender to the trauma. They choose not to take action and re-process the harm. Instead, they numb themselves to the pain.
Choosing Recovery
The second part of the book covers recovery. Herman sees this as a restoration of control and power for the survivor. She outlines three stages to recover. First, survivors need to establish safety. Second, the process of remembrance and mourning helps us grieve. This enables us to release negative feelings and integrate what happened to us. Finally we need to reconnect with ordinary life. At its heart, recovery is about getting back to our lives without the hindrance of trauma.
In the book, each stage is thoroughly explained, offering a framework for healing. If you’d like to dig deeper into this book, you can buy it on Amazon here:Â Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. This book can serve as a valuable resource for both survivors of trauma and those who support them in their healing journey.
Healing from Being Heard
I have another post on healing that might help if you have experienced trauma.
Please note, the books linked above use affiliate links from Amazon. I only refer books I find useful. If you choose to buy one using the links above, I may receive a small commission. Using these links helps me cover the costs of hosting and maintaining the site. Thanks!
It is human nature to seek acceptance from others. When others validate us, we feel connected to humankind and that feels good. What trips us up is when we look for external validation so that we feel worthy or valuable. Depending on someone else to validate us or our ideas so that we feel good about ourselves is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. No matter how hard you try, it will never happen. Knowing our self-worth is an inside job and it can only come from us. How others see us should just be icing on the cake.
Remember these two things when you feel yourself tying your self-worth to other people and their actions:
Other people’s actions often have very little to do with you. Let go of taking their actions or words as something personal because it literally could have been for a million different reasons.
Restate your value to yourself. When I have screwed something up at work, I have felt incompetent and that others might see me as a fraud. I literally have to dial it back and tell myself that it was an honest mistake and remind myself of what I learned from this. Then I remind myself of who I am, the value I bring to my job and others and that what I have to offer is irreplaceable. Then getting stressed out about this little blip on the radar seems silly.
Also, here’s a little friendly reminder of the things that do not determine your value as a human being:
How others value you
What you look like or your age
Whether or not you are in a relationship
Number of friends you have
Type of job you have
Amount of money you make
Whether or not someone else appreciates your kindness or help
We tend to replay feelings of guilt and wish we had made different choices or said certain things to someone. Likewise, we tend to focus all our worries and anxiety on things that haven’t even happened yet, and likely won’t even happen at all.
It’s human nature to time travel. We tend to focus our thoughts on our feelings of guilt and anxiety, perhaps hoping that by doing so, it will somehow change how we feel about it or an outcome. But we only have that kind of control in the present.
First, let’s take a look at how we can stop feeling guilty about the past.
1.) Accept what has happened. What happened, happened and the only thing we can do about it now is to change our thoughts and/or behavior going forward.
2.) Make amends if necessary. If you wronged someone, own it and make amends. While you can’t control how someone may receive your apology, apologize anyway if you feel that you should. Admitting that we did something hurtful or wrong can start the healing process for not just the person you hurt, but for you, too.
3.) Think about what you have learned and what you might do differently now. We make mistakes so we can learn from them and become better people. Think about what you know now. How would you handle things today?
4.) Understand what is really at the root of your guilt. What is driving your feelings of guilt? Do you feel guilty about something because of your own high expectations of yourself? Is why you are feeling guilty reasonable and fair?
5.) Be gentle with yourself. If a friend were in your shoes and feeling guilty, what would your advice be? Would you remind them that they are human, make mistakes and can learn from this?
If you find yourself really struggling with overcoming guilt from your past, talk to someone about it. Whether it’s a trusted friend or family member or therapist, often times they can offer us a perspective of what happened that we normally wouldn’t see.
If you are struggling with feeling anxiety about the future, think about it like your sitting in a rocking chair. Sitting in a rocking chair and rocking back and forth will give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere. It’s the same thing with worrying about the future. You can worry about it all you want but doing so isn’t going to change anything that happens.
Here are some things to remember when feeling anxious about the future:
When you worry about the future, you are paying interest today on a debt you may never owe.
99% of what we worry about happening in the future never happens.
You have the ability to adapt to anything that comes your way.
Stop worrying about what could go wrong and start thinking about all that can go right.
Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.
Worrying is like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain.
Feelings of anxiety happens when we feel like we have to have all the answers.
Worrying is using your imagination to create things you don’t want.
I know, this one seems like such a cheat for a Self-Care Sunday post! But I like it because it is simple, and it really can brighten up your day.
My husband doesn’t really buy me flowers often. But every now and again, I’ll walk past flowers in the store and see some that are pretty, and I’ll just buy them for myself. They brighten up my space, smell fresh and just overall makes me smile. And they are usually pretty inexpensive, too!
Here are some flowers I recently purchased for myself:
Do you ever buy yourself flowers? If so, what do you like to buy?
If only it were that easy, right? Having patience takes practice and sometimes, some serious, mindful effort. With information right at our fingertips and our feeling of not having enough time in any given day, it’s understandable that patience can be…lacking in certain situations.
Here are some tips and tricks on how you can develop more patience.
1.) Examine why you are feeling impatient. Are you running late to a meeting? Perhaps better planning with your time can help alleviate some stress when things don’t move as fast as they should. Understanding what triggers your lack of patience is great information to have because it allows you to structure your day around those things, so you feel more productive.
2.) Choose to wait. Studies have shown that people actually feel happier when they have to wait for something. And it makes sense. We live in a world were instant gratification is a click away. When we feel like we have to earn something, it means more to us and we just feel happier.
3.) Prioritize what is really important. It’s easy to lose patience when you feel like you have 50 million things to do in a day. Take a look at your week and determine the things that you may be doing that take a lot of time and that aren’t all that important. By reducing the amount of unnecessary tasks you do, you put yourself in a better position to handle stress and things that require more patience. Â
4.) Breathe. When you start to lose patience, take a deep breath in for 2-3 seconds, hold it for 3 seconds and exhale for 3-4 seconds. Repeat 10 times. This is a grounding technique that helps you center your mind so you can be more effective in the moment.
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