Knowing who you are, what you are made of and what you are capable of can make you unstoppable. I’ve seen so many people go through horrific traumas or endure years of abuse and they come out of it all, and you would never know how bad things were because they appear so strong. But what allows us to get through these difficult times and bounce back stronger is resilience. When we are resilient, it doesn’t matter how strong the winds are, we stay there standing strong with roots completely in place, withstanding whatever may come.

Facing challenges allows us to develop our own resiliency. Only in overcoming these challenges can we learn that we actually can overcome them and how incredibly resourceful we are.

Here are some ways you can build your resiliency:

1.) Validate your experience and struggle. What you’re going through is not easy and it’s understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed right now. Anyone would in your shoes.

2.) Identify where you are already resilient. Think back to tough times you have encountered in your past and how you got through them. You already have some resilience.

3.) Change how you look at difficult situations. Difficulties are challenges, nothing more. They aren’t a paralyzing event where you cannot recover from it. This is where you may have to use positive affirmations to get yourself in the right mindset. For me, when I am feeling discouraged, I literally tell myself over and over again that “I got this” and “I haven’t come this far, to only come this far.”

4.) Don’t catastrophize. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and think the worst in a situation. But let’s face it, catastrophizing is ineffective and does nothing to help you feel like you can handle the situation. If you start catastrophizing, catch yourself and question it. If you lose your job today, are you really never going work again? Know that you are resourceful and that this door closing is so that a better one can open.

5.) Accept that failure happens. Failure is experience and it is going to happen. Don’t be someone who avoids failure at all costs. The experiences we have allow us to grow. Know that what you are going through is an opportunity for you to grow and be open to it.

6.) Know your purpose. You are here for a reason. You matter. Internalizing this can help you feel more grounded and aware that these hurdles in front of you are just challenges you will meet. Even if you feel like you do not have a purpose, I promise you if you dig deep enough you will find one. Sometimes people go through a trauma or battle addiction, get through it and pay it forward to others in an authentic way that really helps people. That is invaluable. Think about drug counselors. Many drug counselors were once addicts. And because of their experience as an addict and a someone in recovery, they can relate to others and reach them in a way someone who wasn’t an addict could.

Think back to times of crisis in your life. What are three ways you have shown your resilience?

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We all want the people around us to love and accept us. It’s a natural human desire. It becomes a problem when we are so focused external validation, that we only feel good when we get it from others. Think about it. If I only feel good about myself when someone else shows me that I am accepted, then I have put the key to my self-worth in that person’s pocket. And if they flat out reject me, I’m pretty screwed.

When I was younger, I needed external validation so much that I chased it, from the all wrong people and for all the wrong reasons. I found it to be incredibly lonely then because I never felt like I was good enough without their validation. The problem with relying on external validation to feel good about yourself is that what you get is never enough. It can never be enough, because the feeling that you are seeking, only comes from inside yourself and is one only you can provide.

When I discovered that, I felt daunted. I had no idea how to actually love and value myself. I seriously wondered if I was even capable of being able to provide that to myself. Maybe somehow other people magically possessed this power, but I did not. But maybe having this power wasn’t as foreign as I had thought.

As a kid I was pretty comfortable in my own skin. I had insecurities like everyone else, but I knew who I was, what I stood for and I actually felt better about standing out than fitting in. I was lucky to have a family that supported individuality and creativity. I knew as a kid, I was born to stand out. That I didn’t need anyone else’s approval to “do me”. 

As a young adult, it was like I had forgotten that part of me. I had become depressed after leaving an abusive relationship and felt lonelier than I had ever felt in my life. As I became more depressed, I lost sight of my value. It was like that super confident girl no longer existed. And I felt like I needed to be so much more than I was to actually be loved, otherwise I would feel alone again. And I never wanted to feel that ever again. I craved acceptance so much, I compromised. A lot. The more I compromised, the more I eroded my self-esteem. And then I needed that external validation.

People live for other people’s acceptance for so many different reasons. If you are one of them, the first thing you need to do is understand why. Why are you outsourcing your self-worth to someone else? Why do they get to determine your value? Were you told that you lacked value as a child from the adults who were supposed to build you up, but instead were unhealthy people and tore you down? Or maybe you were taught that what other people think of you matters more than what you think of yourself?

For me, it was fully realizing that I had given up my power. It didn’t just happen one day where I had this epiphany and my mindset shifted. It was gradual process, over time. It was a series of bad decisions that I had made with serious consequences and wondering how I had made such a mess of things. It was finding ghosts of who I used to be in certain situations and missing her. It was heartbreak and feeling completely unaccepted, unloved and more alone than I have ever felt before – even more than when I was a young adult and I swore I would never allow myself to feel again. It was finally understanding what I deserve and that I was worthy of good things, and always had been.

If you are struggling with knowing your value, here are some things to remember:

• Nothing outside of you can ever take away how you feel about yourself.
• Being real and authentic with yourself, flaws and all – the good, the bad and the ugly and accepting it is the solid foundation of building self-worth.
• Be gentle with yourself. If you spoke to a friend the way you speak to yourself, what would they say?
• Eliminate negative self-talk and focus on positive affirmations.
• Always be improving yourself for you. What are you good at? What are you interested in?
• What other people think of you is none of your business.
• There is only one “you”. You have something that only you can give to this world.
• You are unshakeable and incredibly resourceful.
• When you begin to love yourself, you will tolerate less nonsense.
• Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.
• You owe yourself the love that you give so freely to other people.
• Stop hating the experiences that shaped you.
• The same light you see shining in others is in you, too.

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