When we are going through difficult times, it can be hard to reframe all that is happening to us. Believing that all the pain and hardship we are experiencing is really just preparing us for what we have wanted is much easier said than done. The journey that we take is more important than the destination we arrive to. You see, all the trials and tribulations during our journey prepares us for our next level or chapter. We need to go through it to evolve and become more. It is a necessary part of the process. Yesterday I talked about looking at events that are happening in your life as things that are happen for you, rather than to you. Let these challenges and struggles become part of your story. Then tell your story. You never know who may need to hear to feel encouraged. If you find yourself struggling, remember that you have not come this far, to only come this far. Just keep going.

Ask anyone who is afraid of losing something how easy it is to let go of those fears. For many of us, it feels impossible. Sometimes it feels like those fears we have are etched into our soul and part of who we are. But are they really? Eighty percent of our choices are based on fear. Often times we don’t really choose what we want – we choose what we think is the safest. We also confuse fear with danger. It is in our nature that we choose safety. Years ago, our survival depended on it. But that was because there were real dangers. Fear on the other hand is an emotion – and a choice. But I think for me, one of the things that allowed me to finally let go of making decisions out of fear was honestly asking myself, “Okay, so if the worst possible thing happens, what is really going to happen?” And then I would game plan it. And then I realized that even if the situation is horrible, I will be okay and make the most of it. The emotion of fear makes us feel uncertain. And for the most part, we don’t like uncertainty. But here’s the thing. We have the ability to make uncertainty work for us, rather than against us. And it all begins with the mindset of being open to everything and attached to nothing. What does that really mean? It starts with you and your own beliefs in your ability to be okay no matter what happens. It’s confidence that the Universe is unfolding as it should and that each situation that you are faced with is an opportunity to grow from. Therefore, it is actually a benefit to you to be open to everything and not attach yourself to anything. Look at events happening as things that are happen for you, rather than to you. What are you afraid of losing? What will really happen to you if you lose it?   

99% of the things that we fear and worry about never happens. Yet we stay stuck in a pattern of living our daily lives shackled by these fears that will likely never come to fruition. Why are we living our fears rather than our dreams? We know that what we focus on, we become. We focus on our fears because it gives us some sense of control by causing us to go into “predictive mode”. We over analyze situations, predicting possible outcomes and how we will handle it, because it gives us a sense of control over whatever happens. But the funny thing is, we can never account for all the possible scenarios or how we will handle them. And as I like to say, life has a funny way of throwing catfish curveballs at you and you end up in a situation you never predicted anyway. So why spend so much time focusing on these things? I have found that for me, fear masks itself in procrastination. Sometimes I delay doing things because I really don’t know what will happen by taking action. So, I wait it out. Foolishly.    Maybe we need to start looking at our dreams differently. Maybe we need to start asking ourselves: What would happen if we started focusing on all that could go right, rather than what could go wrong? What if we stopped making excuses about why we can’t live our dreams?  Being scared is part of being alive but fears we don’t face become our limits. And we have the ability eliminate those limits. What fears are you living? What dreams do you want to start living?

Our wellness has many components. Sometimes we can do everything “right” in our life by staying physically and mentally healthy and still get a medical diagnosis that changes everything. I know for me, being diagnosed with cancer young wasn’t something I felt prepared to deal with. It was shocking and for a period of time, I would wake up in the morning, thinking that I had just had the worst nightmare of having cancer. It was awful and I literally mourned everything in my life pre-diagnosis. I would have done anything to go back to that time. I was a mess, but as I discovered, it was all part of the process. What I have learned, though, is that we can only focus on what we can control. And, we can do everything in our power to put ourselves in the best position we can, to weather the storms that come our way. The good news is that we can control a lot of things. Staying physically healthy is obviously important, but so is our mental health. Often times, we make small compromises with our mental health or we completely overlook it. I look at our mental health as a foundation for our overall health, followed closely by our diet. I know for me, when I have gone through anxiety and depression, it definitely influenced my physical health and what I ate. When I have been in toxic relationships, I had physical ailments that I believe came from me not taking care of my mental health. How are you doing with taking care of yourself? Are you eating well and exercising? Are you practicing enough self-care and taking care of your mental health? 

So much easier said than done, right? When we feel hurt or upset by someone who has a history of hurting us, it’s easy to respond in a righteously indignant fashion. We want an apology or some kind of indication that they get how hurtful they were and truly feel sorry that they hurt us. Again. That’s what’s fair and what’s right, isn’t it? But here’s the thing about clowns. If they know that they hurt you and continue to do so anyway, you need to start looking at your response to the situation. You need to ask yourself why you are okay with continuing to engage with someone who clearly doesn’t care if they are upsetting you or hurting you. Why are you continuing to put yourself in a situation where someone doesn’t value you like they should? For some of us, we can actually become addicted to this kind of crazy making in a relationship. We just might be going to the circus because sometimes the person who continues to hurt us, also offers us inconsistent understanding and praise. And when they give us what we want from them, we feel so much better. We constantly chase this inconsistent reward. This kind of behavior is similar to gambling addiction. If this sounds like a situation you are in, the key to fixing it is working on your self-worth. Someone else getting us doesn’t define us. Their praise or acceptance of us isn’t what makes us a worthwhile person. You are worth so much more. Once you start seeing the value you already have, the harder it will be to stay around people who don’t see it.

There will be times in our life that we chase things that we know are no longer good for us or are things we have outgrown. We stay on autopilot, building our daily habits on chasing these things, when in reality they aren’t the things that can take us to the next level. What we focus on grows and becomes our reality. In the movie Collateral, the character Max played by Jamie Foxx, is a cab driver. He started driving a cab as “temporary” means to make money while he built his dream business, Island Limos. Vincent (played by Tom Cruise) casually asks him how long he’s been driving a cab for after Max tells him that this job is just temporary while he puts some things together, referencing Island Limos. Max looks at him in the rearview mirror and responds, “Twelve years”. Instead of focusing on building his business, Max got comfortable in his daily routine, which didn’t support him building his dream. We tend to chase the things that we think will bring us comfort or lead us to where we want to be. We get stuck on that focus and develop tunnel vision, not seeing other opportunities or paths that might be better for us. There are two things we need to do break out of this mindset. 1.) We need to be present in the moment. 2.) Then we need to be attached to nothing and open to everything. Being present allows us to experience and appreciate what is happening now, without any baggage from the past or anticipation about what the future holds. It slows things down. And when we slow down, we see more. When you have a mindset where you aren’t dependent on one outcome, or where you can just be open to anything and everything, you allow all the right things to find you. These things cannot find us when we are set on a specific outcome or way of doing things. You can still be firm about your goals and what you want and be flexible about your methods. Are you giving the right things the chance to catch you?