Studies are coming out now that tell us that social media can negatively impact our self-esteem and overall mental health. More people are lonely and depressed than ever before. We are all connected, yet so apart. 

Most people online are posting what I call their “highlight” reel. It’s an incomplete picture of how things really are, yet we take what we are seeing to the bank as truth. How many of us post things online that make us feel insecure or not enough? Not many of us. We post what we are proud of, what we aspire to be or just cool “insta opportunities”. 

Social media is a tool and when used responsibly, it can be enjoyable. The challenge with it, is that it is really easy to go down the road of equating our “likes” with our self-worth. A million likes will never be enough if you don’t feel good about yourself. We need to stop defining our self-worth through external validation. It is an illusion.

Here are some things to remember when you lose sight of how amazing you are:

• You are already enough as you are. You don’t have to lose those last ten pounds or get that promotion to be enough.
• You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Today start approving of yourself and see what happens.
• You are worthy.
• You are capable.
• You are not your mistakes.
• Why are you trying to fit in when you were born to stand out?

And remember above all else, that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you will ever know.

When you trust in yourself, and feel confident in your position, there is no need to argue or prove that you are right. You trust that the truth will unfold as it should in due time, and you don’t have to respond to everything going on around you.

Easier said than done sometimes, I know. When dealing with someone who is loud, brazen and insistent on something, it can be tempting to get into the ring with them. But the truth is, you don’t have to prove yourself or your point, especially when they are not wanting to receive what you have to say. They are more interested in what they have to say and being right.

When you engage with a loud, insecure person, you are participating in their own issues. Let them figure out their own issues and rise above it. Vibrate higher.

Video on the REAL Secret to Confidence

About the expression: Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud.

This popular adage contrasts true confidence with behavior associated with insecurity. The saying suggests that confident individuals don’t feel the need to boast. They aren’t overly flashy, seek attention, or assert themselves to prove their worth. Their self-assurance is inherent and doesn’t require external validation.

On the other hand, the phrase implies that insecurity can lead to overcompensation. You know the type, of course. They brag about themselves. There is no conversation they cannot take over. Often, there people act out to draw attention. This helps them cover up self-doubt or to convince others of their value.

I chose this saying to highlight the idea that quiet confidence is more authentic. On the flip side, loudness can be a facade for underlying vulnerabilities. I hope you found the advise above helpful. And that it encouraged you to reflect on how you carry yourself.

Resources to help you gain greater confidence

If you want to improve your self-assurance to exhibit more quiet confidence, I put together a list of resources that should help.

First, I’ve written about confidence in other posts. Here are a couple I recommend to learn more:

Confidence isn’t walking into a room and thinking you’re better than everyone. It’s walking in and not having to compare yourself to anyone at all

How to Build Resilience and Confidence in Yourself

Second, I have a few books that I can suggest.

“The Gifts of Imperfection” We are our own worst judge. I know that is true for me. If you struggle with seeing all of your flaws, this book can help a lot. If we choose to embrace our imperfections, they lose their power to cripple our confidence.

“The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt” If you know about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) this book will be very familiar. It complements the Brené Brown book above with more strategies to help you overcome insecurities and build genuine self-confidence.

“Feel the Fear… and Do It Anyway” This is an older book, but the message is still so relevant today. I have benefited from the exercises and strategies Susan Jeffers shared.

If you have read any of these books, or have other ones you would suggest, please send me a note, or leave them in the comments.

Please note, the books linked above use affiliate links from Amazon. I only refer books I find useful. If you choose to buy one using the links above, I may receive a small commission. Using these links helps me cover the costs of hosting and maintaining the site. Thanks!

Healthy people don’t go around tearing others down to make themselves feel better. Dimming someone else’s light doesn’t make our light shine brighter. Most of us feel bad when we realize that we did something or said something that made someone else feel bad or insecure. It’s often unintentional on our part. But perhaps we need to start being more intentional with how we connect to others.

But in our modern era, those we care about most often don’t feel like we understand or support them. Truly seeing someone and showing them that they are heard and supported is a gift we are all starving for. It is rare that we 100% show up for someone in a way that leaves them feeling like they are the only thing that matters in that moment. We are bombarded by constant interruptions and thoughts of what we need to get done, and that inevitably shows when we interact with them. If this sounds inaccurate, next time you go out to eat, observe how many people are on their phones while dining with others.

The next time you go out with your significant other, friend or family member, I dare you to put away your phone. Be 100% present with them. Make eye contact, really listen to what they have to say rather than thinking about how you will respond. Fully understand them, validate their experience. Let them know that you support them and that you have their back. Showing up in this way for others, and having them show up this way for you, too, can make all the difference in your relationships.  

As a society we are taught that having more equals happiness. We seek higher paying jobs, fancy cars and big houses. We see these things as symbols of success. In Fight Club, Edward Norton’s character says, “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” When we start needing the next greatest thing in our life, we become slaves to constantly needing more. And often times, it becomes about keeping up appearances.

No one really says on their death bed that they are happy with all the things they have accumulated through their life. What matters most are the relationships they have built. Yet we live day to day, chasing after things that don’t really matter. And in our culture today, if we aren’t accumulating the stuff just yet, we like to pretend that we are.

In the last couple of years, I’ve seen news stories about grounded private jets being rented out for people to come and take Instagram photos. And in one case a retail store in Los Angeles that offers an actual set of inside a private jet in the store that can be used by patrons for their Instagram pictures. We are living in strange times, indeed.

Why does excess and the accumulation of stuff mean so much to us? Things are just things. And they can be taken from us in a heartbeat. When we are so busy living for the next greatest thing, we miss living in the moment. We are so focused on the future and what we will have or get to experience, that we can’t even enjoy the present. And when you think about it, the present is all we truly have.

With the current coronavirus pandemic, social distancing has forced us all into our homes. We have less options in our grocery stores and even on Amazon. We have even less options in toilet paper these days! But at the end of the day, what really matters? To me what matters is that my family is safe and healthy. And that we are making the best out of a situation that we can and getting through this crisis even stronger than we were before.

There is power in contentment with less. Having less frees us to work on the things that really matter, which are our relationships and experiencing the beauty in this world. And those are the things that money can never buy.