A couple of years ago, I wrote a post about how toxic people will condition you to believe that your normal response to their disrespect or toxic behavior is actually the problem, not their behavior that caused the reaction. They are masters at gaslighting and manipulation and do it so naturally…it’s disturbing. You can read the post here.
I’ve dealt with my own share of manipulators like this. And it usually goes like this: They do something disrespectful and hurtful, and you sit down to talk to them about it and tell you how it made you feel. But somehow, the table gets turned and all of a sudden you are the bad guy. You are the person who has wounded your partner by being so…disrespectful and hurtful. Or you try to talk to them about something that just happened, and instead of addressing your feelings, they respond with a full arsenal of things that you did or how you hurt them. And in some cases, these are things that go back years ago. But somehow it is relevant to the behavior you are calling them out on, that happened an hour ago.
The horrible thing about this kind of dynamic is that when it happens enough, you seriously start to second guess yourself. Was I really hurtful? Did I approach this conversation from an angry place?
These people are gaslighters and take zero responsibility for themselves. Because they are not ready to acknowledge their own toxic behavior, you asking them to be accountable feels like an attack. So being the crazymakers they are, they flip the script and make you the problem.
Unless the person who was disrespectful is willing to own up to what they did and apologize, you cannot have a deep, meaningful relationship with them. For some of us, it’s easy to apologize and say that we’re sorry. But for others, their ego investment is so high that they see owning their behavior as a weakness.
The truth is, we all engage in some kind of manipulative behavior at one time or another. It is human nature. For example, if your boss asks you your opinion about something, you might not be honest about how you really feel because you want to illicit a positive response from your boss.
The problem is when manipulation has become a person’s go-to strategy to get their needs met. People who resort to this kind of manipulation usually:
- Have a huge fear of abandonment
- Feel safer when they have control or power over others
- Use it as a mask to conceal their own feelings of helplessness and worthlessness
- Feel better when they get what they want from a person or situation because it elevates their own self-esteem
One common trait you will notice with manipulators is that they will always prioritize their own feelings and desires above the well-being of others.
So, how do you deal with a person who is trying to manipulate you?
While our first instinct might be to placate the manipulator to get the conflict over with, it is best to confront the behavior. Since manipulators hide their real feelings and motivations, you have to approach the manipulation a little differently. They aren’t likely to admit that they are attempting to manipulate you. Try this instead:
- Stay calm. Often times a manipulator is hoping to get a reaction out of you so it can be used as leverage or as information to further manipulate you.
- Ask the person if they can tell you directly and explicitly what they want.
- Don’t call them out on lying or gaslighting – they are unlikely to own up to it.
- Don’t allow yourself to feel shamed or guilted into doing what the manipulator wants.
- Don’t be afraid to say no and hold your ground.
- Be direct in your response and refuse to escalate the situation. They will likely just try more severe tactics to get their way.
