Years of love have been forgotten, in the hatred of a minute.

When you have been hurt by your partner, it is easy to forget all the things he or she did to make you feel love. You may be so consumed by hurt and anger that you feel hatred towards them. And in those moments of high emotion, it can feel like the long history you have where they made you feel loved didn’t even exist.

You see, love and hate are much more similar than we think. Both emotions are linked to the same area of the human brain. Scientists have discovered that some of the nervous circuits in the brain responsible for hate are the same that are activated during love. Perhaps this is why there is a saying that there is a fine line between love and hate.

Think about what would bother you more: your significant other saying something mean to you or someone you don’t even really like saying something mean?

While the latter would not be a pleasant experience, someone close to you hurting you would be much more devastating. Both love and hate are extremely intense emotions. Whether you are feeling hate or love, they both indicate that you feel very strongly about the person the emotion is directed towards.

While they are usually directed towards different people in our lives, because of the intense nature of the emotions, sometimes the emotions can switch.

Have you ever really hated someone, but when they did something nice, suddenly your entire perspective shifted, and you began to love them? Or maybe the opposite happened and your love transformed into hate.

It’s true that those we love dearly are more likely to be the object of our hate later. And this isn’t because we are evil human beings. It is because we feel so strongly about this person that the intensity is extremely high. So, when the intense emotion goes from positive to negative, it doesn’t switch from love to indifference; it switches from love to hate.

While that can sound a bit dark, especially when it concerns people we love, it can be helpful to be aware of the propensity for this to happen in advance. That way you can be better equipped to combat the intense emotions that might swing towards a negative.

So, the next time someone you love triggers you or evokes a negative emotion, you can be more mindful about how you react so that your intense ‘love’ doesn’t switch to ‘hate’.

5 Steps to Diffuse Negative Intense Emotions Towards Someone You Love

1. Slow things down. When there is some conflict or you are in a situation where you begin to think hateful thoughts or feel intense negative emotions, stop yourself. Recognize that something has happened to trigger this intense response. Take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Repeat this four to five times until you feel yourself calming down and returning to a neutral emotion.

2. Challenge your thoughts. The next step is to notice the hateful thought you are having. Often, in times of intense emotion, our feelings cloud our logical thinking, and we don’t even know why we are so angry or upset. Take a moment to get very clear about what the thought is that is triggering your emotion. Then, consciously challenge this thought and ask yourself “is this really true?”.

For example, you might get angry that your partner hasn’t brought home the groceries you asked them to pick up. That anger might escalate into intense feelings of hate. When you stop and consider, the subconscious thought triggering these emotions might be “They don’t listen to what is important to me”.

When you challenge this thought and consider if this thought is really true, you realize that it is far from the truth. When you consider everything your partner does for you on a daily basis, you realize that you are the most important person in their life. Just because they forgot to bring groceries home doesn’t mean that they don’t listen to what is important to you.

3. Replace your thoughts. Once you have been able to challenge your thoughts, you can replace them with calmer, rational thoughts. For example, you might think “Even though he forgot to bring home the groceries today, I know that I am extremely important to him”. Or perhaps you could wonder, “Is there something on his mind that caused him to forget to pick up the groceries? Because it isn’t typical of him to forget.”

4. Detach yourself from the situation. If you are afraid of hurting a loved one, it might be a good idea to leave the room or the conversation at that moment. Sometimes it’s better to leave and let the situation diffuse rather than risking an emotional outburst that you might regret later.

5. Distract yourself for a few minutes. If you still feel very emotionally charged, try to distract yourself to refocus your mind. Read a book, watch a movie, workout, go for a walk, or call a friend. By disrupting your pattern, you can come back to the situation when you feel calmer, and you will have a more balanced perspective.

Remember, love and hate are extreme versions of feeling very strongly about something. Sometimes we can get triggered and accidentally cross that line between love and hate. Stay mindful and act intentionally when you get triggered so that you can diffuse tense situations and keep your relationships happy and healthy.