I often say that our mistakes and failures are our greatest teachers. I know I have learned significantly more from my mistakes than when I have succeeded. I’ve seen it happen in my business as well as my personal life.
Last year my brother and I got into a disagreement. It was serious, and how the whole thing unfolded ended up changing the dynamic of our relationship. There were mistakes I made, that I apologized for. I could honestly look at what he was saying and say, “You know what? I could have done things better and I wish that I had.” He said some really hurtful things to me and was verbally abusive in a very scary way. So much so that for a while when called me after that, I had a small panic attack seeing his name come up on my phone. I was terrified that the conversation would go sideways, and I would be verbally berated once again.
Even though he feels the consequences of what happened between us, he still hasn’t apologized to me. He still hasn’t said, “You know what? I was out of line with some of the things I said to you, and I am sorry I was hurtful and made the assumptions I made.” An apology goes a long way for me, but he just won’t do it. Even though I have apologized for my part in it, twice.
I’ve concluded that it is quite possible that he really doesn’t think that he did anything wrong. I don’t think he believes that he said hurtful things or was abusive or unappreciative of all the things I have done to help him along his own journey. I just don’t think he sees it. And if he does, he isn’t talking to me about it to me, anyway. And you know what? He has every right not to see it or deny that he did some things wrong. It’s not helpful and doesn’t help you grow or repair the relationship, but he’s entitled to make that choice.
When you deny your mistakes, it can lead to a destructive pattern of self-deception that doesn’t really serve you. There is this school of thought that self-deception isn’t all that bad if it helps you have confidence or hope. But when you refuse to acknowledge your own mistakes, you are bound to repeat them. Over and over again.
There are many reasons why people choose to deny their mistakes. Like I mentioned with my brother, perhaps the person doesn’t think they made a mistake or were wrong. But maybe they do know that they made a mistake and fear of owning up to it and being responsible. We see this all the time with kids. They will write on the wall with crayons and you’ll ask them if they did that, and they will vehemently deny it, while holding the crayon in their hand, standing next to the wall. They are scared of what will happen if they admit it. Sometimes people deny their mistakes because they worry that by owning it, they will be embarrassed or viewed as incompetent.
The tricky thing about denial and self-deception is we tend to rationalize what we believe about ourselves and the situation. We end up inverting the truth, so it aligns with what we want to believe. And when we do that, we lose sight of what the truth really is. And this leads to conflict never really being resolved, hurt feelings never being validated, apologies not being said for things you may have said in the heat of the moment and relationships not being mended. While those are all dire consequences, the worst is when you don’t take accountability for your mistake, you avoid the opportunity to learn a lesson and move forward as a better person.
If you find yourself denying something you know you did wrong, follow these simple steps:
1. Stop denying it. Admit you are wrong. It does not mean you failed. The way you handled something failed. It wasn’t productive. It wasn’t a good choice, but you did not fail.
2. Take a deep breath. It’s not the end of the world. The uncomfortable or vulnerable feeling you feel is temporary. It does not define you. It is part of the process. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. Remember that feeling. It will help you make better decisions next time.
3. If you wronged someone, apologize. Don’t let hurt or anger be unresolved. This is necessary in order to move through and past the situation.
4. Ask how you can do things better next time and be sincere about it. Asking others how you can do things better next time is valuable information for you to have. Think of it as having a map and compass when navigating a sensitive situation.
5. Move on. Don’t dwell on the bad decision or mistake. Let it go! Don’t beat yourself up over it. Learn from it, commit to doing things differently and move on.
Remember that no one is perfect, and we will all make mistakes from time to time. We will all hurt people we love, unintentionally. Remind yourself that it is much better to make mistakes and learn from them than it is to fake perfection. Only a few of us will choose to learn from our mistakes, so be one of the few!
