In The Sopranos, Dr. Melfi tells Tony to “act as if” he wasn’t feeling vulnerable. She says, “People only see what you allow them to see.”
A therapist once told me that one of the best ways to build self-esteem is to behave in ways that you will feel proud of, especially in adversity. And obviously, that make sense. But there will be times when you will struggle with regulating your own emotions in an argument. Many times, we have knee jerk reactions and respond in a way we feel ashamed of afterwards. One of the things that helped me start to “keep it in check”, was a little trick I played on my mind that is really silly. But it worked for me.
When things got heated or I was feeling disrespected, I felt the temptation to dish it right back to the person. But then I thought to myself, how would I feel about my behavior in this if someone I respected saw and heard how I was acting? In some cases, I would have been mortified, to be honest.
I thought of it like I was on camera, where someone I respect could review how I handled myself. After a few times of telling myself that this will be seen by other people (a la The Truman Show), I was able to regulate my emotions better. And I wanted to respond in a better way, and I wanted to be proud of myself with how I handled conflict. But it definitely takes practice.
When you are in high conflict situations, it can take a lot of practice to respond in a rational way. But over time, by slowing things down and telling yourself that there will be witnesses to how you respond, you will naturally want to improve your response.
