You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

The more time you spend holding onto someone who isn’t as committed to the relationship as you are, you lose yourself in the process. You find yourself focusing on whether you even mattered to them to begin with. Then, if you’re like me, you get yourself stuck in a vicious cycle trying to prove your worthiness to them. I can’t tell you how much time I spent in my younger years chasing after basic love and compassion in relationships. I talk about it in detail here. 

When you are focused on looking for validation externally, it’s hard not to give so much of yourself. It’s easy to think that if you give enough, or are enough, they’ll eventually begin to let you in and reciprocate your feelings. But the truth is, you are already enough. And if the person you are with can’t see that or appreciate that, then they aren’t a good fit for you.

I know this is all easy for me to say. I even tried telling my 20-year-old self this years ago, but it fell on deaf ears. I was stuck in the cycle of seeking inconsistent reward for the external validation I was so desperately craving. But as the saying goes, we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.

So, what are some tell-tale signs that your relationship has run its course?

1. How your partner acts. Actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to the discrepancy between their words and actions. If they tell you they love you but don’t show it by caring about your feelings, supporting you in day-to-day activities or being there for you when things aren’t going well, make note of that.

2. They avoid opening up to you and discussing problems. When a relationship is going well, partners usually want to share their insecurities, fears, and thoughts with each other. They’ll have long conversations discussing what they feel or think about certain issues when they come up. If your partner never wants to talk about problems when they arise, then they are not invested in the relationship enough to try to work it out.

3. Your lives seems separate. If your partner never wants you around when they’re apart from you–if they don’t want you in their social circle, for example–then this is a red flag that the relationship is over or will soon be over.

4. You are their go-to for comfort. Pay close attention to when your partner wants to spend time with you. Is it only when they are lonely? Or perhaps when they seem to have some kind of crisis or problem? Do you feel like they only want the perks of being in a relationship without having to support you when they are down? In a relationship that’s healthy, partners want to be with their loved ones because they love being with them and miss them when they’re not around. They also want to know what’s going on with you and how they can support you.

5. Not wanting to talk about the future. If your partner is unwilling to discuss what the future looks like, then do not expect a happy ending. If your partner sees a future with you, they are eager to talk about it. If they don’t see a future with you, they won’t want to talk about it because it will disrupt the dynamic as it is today.

6. You argue often. Fighting can mean many things. My husband and I fight. But we get over it pretty quickly and for the most part, we try to approach the conflict as a team. Sometimes, though, people will pick fights with their significant other, because there is a deeper issue they don’t want to address. It’s a passive aggressive way to distance themselves and feel justified about their deeper feelings.

If the six tell-tale signs above sound familiar to you, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. The truth is, if you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value. So, let’s talk about some ways you can improve your self-worth:

1. Spend some time alone. Take some time to yourself and be with your own thoughts. Being alone will help you learn more about who you are as a person so that you can know if this relationship is affecting you negatively or not.

2. Focus on your own happiness. What are things that bring you joy and make you feel recharged? What activities make you feel good about yourself? If you haven’t decided to end the relationship yet, spend more time doing the things you like to do.

3. Avoid looking at their social media. It’s easy to jump on Instagram or Snapchat when you are apart to see what your partner might be up to. When you do this, you become focused externally. And not only that, but your mood may also be affected by what you are seeing. If something shady is happening, it will be revealed. Trust that. Don’t get yourself all worked up about what he or she is doing, when it is more effective to focus on yourself.

4. Spend time with people who recharge you. For me, it is nourishing to my soul when I spend time with people who love me and appreciate me. I am so grateful to have these people in my life and I love that I can positively impact their life, too. People will inspire or drain you…choose those that inspire you more often.

The more time you spend focusing on building your self-worth, you will begin to see yourself differently. When you start seeing your own worth, you’ll find it harder to stay around people who don’t. And the truth is, you’ll be amazed at what you attract when you start believing in what you deserve.