Those who are at war with others are not at peace with themselves.

When someone is always waging war with other people, they are really at war with themselves. Often times people will start conflict with people, simply to avoid sitting with the uncomfortable feelings they have towards themselves. It gives them something else to focus on and respond to, rather than looking deep inside themselves and addressing what is going on with them inside.

For someone battling a war within themselves, they will often resort to blaming others as a way to start conflict with others.

Our present society appears to regard blaming – the fine art of holding others responsible for all the bad things that happen to us – as completely acceptable. Reality TV present us with scenes of one character blaming another. Newspapers overflow with stories about how all of society’s ills can be attributed to politicians or terrorists. The blame game is our favorite sport.

In psychology, there is a common cognitive bias know as ‘the self-serving bias’. It is best described as when we attribute positive events and successes to our own character or actions, but blame negative results to external factors unrelated to our character. For example, say you take a driver’s test. If you pass, you’ll probably take responsibility for that result: “I studied hard, and I’m actually a terrific driver”. But say you fail the test. Now there is suddenly an external reason – the weather was awful, it wasn’t driving my regular automobile, I didn’t get enough sleep.

But blaming the situation is one thing. But blaming others, especially those nearest to us when things go wrong, can have a negative impact on our relationships, families, and careers.

Why do we blame other people?

1. It is easy to do. Blame means less work because we don’t have to be held accountable or responsible for ourselves when we blame.

2. Blame removes the need to be vulnerable with others. We don’t have to be vulnerable if we don’t have to be accountable. “Accountability by definition is a sensitive process,” argues researcher Brene Brown about blame. It means I’ll call you and tell you how this has hurt my feelings, and we’ll talk about it…. People who place a lot of blame on others rarely have the tenacity and fortitude to hold others accountable…. and this is one of the reasons we miss out on opportunities for empathy.”

3. Blaming other people satisfies our desire for power. When you take accountability and responsibility for yourself, it requires you to acknowledge that there was a time when you did not act in a manner that you are proud of. Not blaming someone also entails listening to their side of the story, which is something you can’t control. But if you blame someone, you have complete control over the story.

4. Blame can act as a release valve. Do you believe you ‘never get upset’ or are the ‘laid-back placid kind’ because you rarely exhibit emotions? Do you, on the other hand, tend to place blame on others when things got tough? It’s likely that you’re blaming others to release the pain that you’re experiencing but suppressing.

5. Blaming others protects your ego. By focusing all the blame on what someone else did, you feel more like the ‘good’ guy than the ‘bad’. Some people also like playing the victim because other people around them and the situation will validate why they are right or were done so wrong. But using blame to feel superior or being a victim stem from a lack of self-esteem.

If you think that blame isn’t something to be concerned about, think again. Blaming others might affect your life and personality in the long run. Here’s what you stand to lose if you don’t act now.

1. Your own personal development. Blame is a form of defense. Continually defending yourself takes up a lot of time. It also prevents you from learning and growing from experiences and adversity.

2. You surrender your own power. When you blame other people for what is happening to you, you give up any kind of ownership that empowers you to change your life. If it is always someone else’s fault, then you are at their mercy for things to change. But if you take ownership of yourself, now you have the authority to make the changes you need to make.