When you harm someone, it is easy to not think about it or forget the impact that you had on them. You can avoid sitting with the feelings of how you hurt someone else. But the person who was harmed always remembers.
I think about bullies in school or the workplace. Obviously, there is something going on with them because healthy people don’t go around tearing down other people. However, their impact on other people is real. And can be devastating. There is no universal way to stop bullies, because every situation is different and requires a different tactic. But one thing that I have found when dealing with bullying or harm from another person is just having someone to talk to about it. Someone who can listen and validate my experience. If you find yourself in a place where you are really hurting and struggling, please reach out to someone you can trust, or even a crisis line. Sometimes just being heard makes a big difference in your state of mind.
Most of us harm people unintentionally. I consider myself pretty empathetic, yet I sometimes I really screw up. And that got me thinking about how we can become more mindful of other people, so that we be more cognizant of the consequences of our actions or what we say.
Here are some ways you can be more mindful of others:
1.) Remember that we don’t know what kind of path others are on. We don’t know what their life really looks like. All we see is what they are showing us. Always keep in mind that just because their life looks perfect on the outside, doesn’t mean that it is. Be open to the idea that they may be struggling, too.
2.) Stop using your world view as a filter for why someone else can feel the way they do. A lot of us have a hard time with this. We get caught up in our own beliefs and thoughts about things and assume that others think the same way. Remember that the person you are talking to has their own sets of beliefs, feelings and ways of looking at things that may be radically different than you. Their feelings are just as valid as yours. Try to immerse yourself into their mindset and see how they really see things and ask yourself if you were them, how would you feel?
3.) Don’t be so quick to be the super positive person. This one is my biggest challenge. When someone tells me that’s something wrong, I want to jump in and tell them they will get through it, are super resourceful and that they totally got this. It’s nice to be supportive and helpful but saying positive things right off the bat can sound like you are minimizing and invalidating their experience. Just because you see it as not the end of the world and completely fixable, doesn’t mean that they do in the moment. The best thing we can do is listen and really hear them. Then acknowledge and validate their feelings. We can offer our positive thoughts when they are less upset, and more likely to receive them as intended.
