According to a study of more than 170,000 people published at the Psychology Bulletin in 2013, the average adult’s network of friends and colleagues have shrunk over the past 3 decades. Countless recent studies have shown that we are lonelier now, than ever before, since the birth of social media – a medium that in theory should make us feel more connected to others. I know that for me, when I have been lonely, I’ve made the mistake of connecting with other people out of desperation. And many times, the people I selected to open to, were not trustworthy. Looking back, I was so desperate to feel seen and heard, that I missed the warning signs that were there that told me that this person was not someone I should confide in. We have all gone through periods of extreme loneliness, and I can tell you that for me personally, there have been times when I have felt overwhelmed by it. It can feel depressing and you can feel like you are the only one experiencing it. But I promise you that you are not alone. Let’s take a look at how we can overcome feelings of loneliness, and traits of good, core friends that we can turn to for support. Here are some tips I found helpful for overcoming my own feelings of loneliness: 1. Identify why you are feeling lonely. There is a difference between feeling lonely and being isolated. Do you feel lonely because you are in the wrong relationships and you don’t feel like people get you? Have you isolated yourself from people and feel disconnected from the world? What do you wish you had in your life right now that would make you feel more connected to the world and to others? How do you want to connect to the world? What are the things that are important to you and bring you joy? The answers to these questions can help you identify the root cause of what is creating loneliness and it can help you navigate to a path of connection. 2. Put yourself out there. Even when you don’t feel like it. I can’t stress this point enough. Even if you don’t feel like putting yourself out there, do it anyway. Don’t wait until you feel okay about it. There are tons of ways to meet new people and make connections. Take a class you are interested in, volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about, join a meetup group for something that is interesting to you. Join a book club or support group. Go on a random adventure or plan one.  The point is, start experiencing things. If you end up doing something that doesn’t really resonate with you, that’s okay, you’ve learned something about yourself. 3. Start a gratitude journal. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our own feelings of loneliness that we forget to think about all the things that we do have to be grateful for. It’s…

Some people thrive in crazy-making and chaos because it is what feels normal to them. It’s completely maladaptive and no doubt draining to that person as well as those around them. What kind of behavior will you see if you’re standing in the middle of someone else’s crazy-making storm? Gaslighting tactics. This is the most common trait. This can look like making you feel like something did (or didn’t) happen when it really didn’t (or did). You can leave a conversation with them doubting your own perception of what really happened or feeling crazy yourself. They have a selective memory. If you remind them that you have told them how a certain behavior hurts you, they have no recollection of that conversation. The rules will change on a whim to conform to how the crazy maker is feeling in that moment. You feel like you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t when offering solutions to the problem. They will tend to project their own feelings onto you to avoid responsibility for their own feelings. Communication is not fair and assertive. You are met with passive aggressiveness. This person will lack any kind of true empathy for you. Everything is very black and white or a crisis and the end of the world. They try to make you feel guilty for things that you shouldn’t feel guilty about. They will offer you inconsistent praise. Some people are very vulnerable to becoming addicted to inconsistent praise. The crazy maker will give you praise, and you will feel good about things, and then they quickly take it away. There have been numerous studies that show how addictive inconsistent praise can be to people and how praise from someone who doesn’t give it often, is more meaningful. It’s actually been equated to the inconsistent reward of gambling addiction.  Often times if you are dealing with someone who is engaging in crazy-making behaviors, it can be hard to see, especially if they are a loved one or if they are close to you. A crazy maker craves your energy in the conversation, almost like an emotional vampire does. It’s easy to get into an argument with them, but what you have to understand is that any kind of “rules of engagement” in an argument will quickly change to what the crazy maker wants and needs. What “rules” might apply today, may not apply tomorrow. You will only leave the conversation feeling more confused and drained. Here are some steps you can take to maintain your own sanity in these situations: 1.) Detach yourself from the situation. When you can take a step back and understand that what is happening is someone else acting out their own issues, it’s easier to not get drawn into it or offended by what they’re saying. 2.) Reduce the amount of time you spend with them. If you have to spend time with them, make sure you balance it with time away from them where you…

As an empath, this is something I struggled with for a long time. I never really knew where to draw a line or how to create boundaries. I honestly believed that having boundaries when it came to the people I love was selfish. While empathy is essential for developing deep, intimate relationships with others, it is also necessary to know how to balance your own needs and self-care, too. Otherwise you will fall into a vicious cycle of constantly tending to the needs of others, while failing to take care of your own basic needs. When this happens over a long enough period, you open yourself up to a few mental health challenges, such as: Losing the ability to fully understand what you want or need. Becoming mentally exhausted and can’t fully show up for other people in your life. Having a hard time deciphering what is truly in your best interest. Having bursts of anger and frustration and not really understanding why. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position to be mentally and emotionally abused, such as someone gaslighting you. You find that your mood changes and mirrors what the other person is feeling, instead of holding on to yourself and what you feel. You find yourself worrying about what others think of you, rather than focusing on what you think of yourself. Becoming more anxious, depressed or just having an overall feeling of emptiness when forced to sit with your own feelings. As you can see, these patterns can become part of your daily life and can dramatically affect your wellbeing. So, what does healthy empathy look like? It’s having the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and pay attention to their needs, without sacrificing your own. And for many of us, it is incredibly difficult to even understand our own needs in those moments. The secret to understanding our own needs is mindfulness. Being mindful of what you need and what you want for yourself. And this is especially true for when you feel the urge to be overly empathic. For example, say your significant other wants to talk about his crappy day at the office and you know from past experience that those conversations can go on for the whole night. And you’ve had a crappy day, too. In that moment, you might be triggered to be a ‘good partner’, suck it up and be a good listener. But being more mindful of your feelings and needs in that moment might look like this: “Honey, I am sorry you had a bad day at the office. I would love to talk to you about it another time, perhaps tomorrow night. I had a very stressful day at the office, too, and my mind is just shot now. I really want to just unwind and decompress tonight. How about we plan on talking about it tomorrow night over dinner? We’ll both be more refreshed and can approach it from a better place.” Before giving this response,…

Our emotions have the ability to influence everything in our lives. It can be a wonderful thing if balanced with being rational. But when our emotions run unchecked, it can lead to a lot of unexpected problems. Studies have shown that emotional stress has been linked to not only mental health issues, but physical health problems as well. Poor emotional health can put you at risk for a compromised immune system, heart disease, gastrointestinal distress and all sorts of other issues. But the good news is that researchers are now seeing evidence that when we are in a healthier mental space, we can experience healing effects within our bodies.  We’ve known how powerful our minds are and how they are connected to our body. We’ve seen it play out with super negative people. Have you ever noticed how negative people tend to suffer from many physical ailments? We’ve also seen it play out with the Law of Attraction. What we believe about ourselves and the world, we create in our life. We actually manifest it. So, if we have the ability to directly influence our mental and physical health with our emotions and beliefs, we just need to understand how to temper our emotions with logic. When I was in my early 20’s, I was seeing a therapist who suggested that I take DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) classes to manage my anxiety and excessive worry. DBT is a type cognitive behavioral therapy that focuses on four skills: mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness. I had two classes a week in the evenings. One class was instructional, where we learned the skills. The other was more of a process group where we talked about how we were (or weren’t) implementing the skills we were learning into our lives. Although DBT was originally intended to help treat borderline personality disorder, it has become widely used to treat all sorts of conditions like anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, PTSD, etc. There has also been a movement in the psychology field for children to learn these skills at a young age, because unfortunately, many people don’t learn these life skills until they are much older. I highly recommend looking into DBT and researching it yourself to see if it is something that may be helpful for you if you struggle with handling your emotions effectively.  In a nutshell, here’s a breakdown of what the four components of DBT are: 1.) Mindfulness. This is probably the most important skill because you learn how to stay in the moment. Feelings of anxiety are about the future and feelings of shame or guilt are usually about the past. So training your mind to stay in the present allows you to better understand what is really going on inside of you in that moment. You learn how to observe or notice these feelings in the present in a non-judgmental way. It allows you to slow things down and get into a good headspace to deal with…

Our character is shaped when we go through adversity and how we handle the obstacles that come our way. Each hurdle is an opportunity to rise back up, stronger and wiser than we were before. Falling down is an essential part of the process. How do we grow and learn the lessons we need to learn if we don’t fall down? What defines us is how well we rise after falling. When we feel overwhelmed, beat down and discouraged it can feel like we don’t even want to try anymore. It’s okay to have those feelings. Feel them, but then let them go. Then take action, by rising to the challenge and welcoming adversity. Here are some things to remember when you feel like giving up: 1.) Take a shower and get ready for the day. I know this sounds crazy and super basic. But we have a tendency when we feel stress to not take time for ourselves and meet our basic needs. By getting clean and getting ready for the day, you physically put yourself in a better place to handle things mentally. Therapists actually set goals with their clients to shower by a set time every day when they are battling depression. It works. 2.) Know that if you are struggling in your relationships or at a job, it doesn’t mean you are doing things wrong. When we put forth effort to do things right, we are going to have failures and things happen that we didn’t expect, and it’s okay. It’s experience and it means that we are actually trying – which is more than many people are willing to do. 3.) Hydrate, eat well and get moving. Again, this goes back to physically taking care of our bodies. And it is hard when you are stressed, upset or sad. But doing these little things go a long way in helping you mentally reframe your mind to handle adversity. 4.) Stay in the present. What makes failure feel insurmountable is piling on past failures and worrying about failing in the future. If we can stay in the present and deal with what is happening today, we can find ourselves feeling more powerful and capable. 5.) Be intentional. Know in your soul what you want your outcome to be. Know your “why”. Tell yourself that you are going to do X and that sometimes you are going to fail along the way. But it doesn’t matter, because you are going to get right back up and try again. And again. Until you get to where you want to be. 6.) Give yourself a reality check. Think back to past struggles. So far you have survived 100% of them and you are going to get through this, too. 7.) Breath fresh air. Get into nature and just breath. In Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata, he says, “…be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right…

Wouldn’t the world would be a better place if we approached love as a responsibility to keep another’s heart safe? We are often so consumed with what we want and need out of a relationship that we forget that we have a responsibility to our partner to provide a loving, safe place for them, too. We tend to focus on what the relationship isn’t giving us, rather than all the positive things we do experience from it. This got me thinking about what a healthy relationship really looks like and the idea that we are always a work in progress. And as we grow from past and current relationships, we learn more about ourselves and what kind of partner is going to compliment us. Here is a list of what components are necessary to have a healthy relationship that truly thrives: 1.) You can be happy and whole on your own. While it is true that our partners encompass a big part of our lives, they shouldn’t be our end all be all. Their job isn’t to complete us. It’s important to have your own interests, friends and hobbies that make you happy and excited about your life. If you rely on your partner too much for your happiness, you place an unfair burden on him or her and you are creating an unhealthy dependence on the relationship. Get as healthy and happy as you can on your own and be mindful of vulnerabilities you may have that can cause you to become overdependent on your partner. 2.) There is trust on both sides. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If you don’t have trust, anything you try to build will be questioned at some point. This is how it looks in my marriage: my husband and I trust each other, and we respect each other’s privacy. We don’t go through each other’s phone looking for things or question each other’s intentions with how we interact with other people. I trust that we have a similar heart and core values, which brings me to #3. 3.) Each person is authentic, and they love and respect who each other is at their core. This means that you aren’t trying to change their personality or character traits, or core values. Yes, there are always going to be little things that you wish your partner would do differently, but those are really small things. For example, my husband often leaves the pantry light on in the kitchen. It doesn’t matter the time of day or night it is. If he ventured into the pantry at any point, the light is usually left on. It has actually become endearing to me now, and I laugh and shut the light off. At the end of the day, your partner should see all of your flaws and love you anyway. You know that your partner knows your soul and has your best interest at heart and approaches things that way. You are each other’s person.…

It is said that 99% of the things we worry about or are afraid of, never actually happens. Yet we grant our fears so much validity in the moment. Perhaps if we believe we think on it happening enough, we can somehow control it better when it happens. But here’s the thing: nothing can really prepare you for loss, finding out you have an illness or anything bad happening. You will never be 100% prepared because you just can’t be. If you are like me, when you get wrapped up in your fears, you forget to live. I literally have to give myself a brief period of time to engage with my fears and then I have to force myself to take a step back and accept that things are where they are right now. And I feel scared and uncertain, but it’s okay, because I am incredibly resilient and can get through anything. I literally tell myself that sometimes over and over again. Because believe me, if I keep engaging in the worst-case scenario, it will zap me all my energy and good things that I can enjoy or experience in the moment if I let it. Here’s a small-scale example that really illustrates this quote. A few summers ago, my husband and I went on road trip and stopped at this nature preserve that we had been looking forward to visiting for a while. As we were walking towards the trail head, I saw a small garter snake and literally froze in place. Now I know my fear of snakes is off the charts, but I literally started to shake and had tears in my eyes. Crazy, right? I did not want to go on the trail – under any circumstances. I stood there frozen. And as I was having my panic attack over this little snake, just chilling on the side of the trail, this little girl, maybe three or four years old came by. When she saw the snake, she got excited and ran towards it, to attempt to pick it up. But he was feeling frazzled by her interest and took off into the brush. She was living in the moment, wanting to experience it all. Now as an adult, seeing a child get excited by seeing nature up close, as you’re shaking and nearly crying because you are so afraid, is really humbling. In that moment, I remembered being a child and being so fearless of everything. Watching her reaction was honestly a beautiful thing to witness and such an amazing reminder that we choose what we give meaning to in this world. After I saw that, I wanted to hike the trail, and I am so glad that we did. We saw so many cool things and experienced nature in a way that really feeds my soul. Was I worried about seeing more snakes on the trail? Yes. But I pushed past my fear anyway and had an amazing experience. And…that amazing experience…