According to a study of more than 170,000 people published at the Psychology Bulletin in 2013, the average adult’s network of friends and colleagues have shrunk over the past 3 decades. Countless recent studies have shown that we are lonelier now, than ever before, since the birth of social media – a medium that in theory should make us feel more connected to others.

I know that for me, when I have been lonely, I’ve made the mistake of connecting with other people out of desperation. And many times, the people I selected to open to, were not trustworthy. Looking back, I was so desperate to feel seen and heard, that I missed the warning signs that were there that told me that this person was not someone I should confide in.

We have all gone through periods of extreme loneliness, and I can tell you that for me personally, there have been times when I have felt overwhelmed by it. It can feel depressing and you can feel like you are the only one experiencing it. But I promise you that you are not alone.

Let’s take a look at how we can overcome feelings of loneliness, and traits of good, core friends that we can turn to for support.

Here are some tips I found helpful for overcoming my own feelings of loneliness:

1. Identify why you are feeling lonely.

There is a difference between feeling lonely and being isolated. Do you feel lonely because you are in the wrong relationships and you don’t feel like people get you? Have you isolated yourself from people and feel disconnected from the world? What do you wish you had in your life right now that would make you feel more connected to the world and to others? How do you want to connect to the world? What are the things that are important to you and bring you joy?

The answers to these questions can help you identify the root cause of what is creating loneliness and it can help you navigate to a path of connection.

2. Put yourself out there. Even when you don’t feel like it.

I can’t stress this point enough. Even if you don’t feel like putting yourself out there, do it anyway. Don’t wait until you feel okay about it. There are tons of ways to meet new people and make connections. Take a class you are interested in, volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about, join a meetup group for something that is interesting to you. Join a book club or support group. Go on a random adventure or plan one. 

The point is, start experiencing things. If you end up doing something that doesn’t really resonate with you, that’s okay, you’ve learned something about yourself.

3. Start a gratitude journal.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our own feelings of loneliness that we forget to think about all the things that we do have to be grateful for. It’s amazing how we can shift our mindset and mood when we start to focus on the things that we do have.

4.  Stop spending a lot of time on social media.

Understand that most of what you see out there, are people’s highlight reels. It’s all curated and people are posting about unpleasant things they may be going through. I look back at my own posts and things seem so great in the pictures, but in reality, I was miserable. Don’t allow yourself to focus too much on what others are posting.

Here are some traits to look for when building a close circle of friends you can turn to for support. Select friends who:

• Have similar values and/or goals.
• Are positive reinforcers for you and who can bring balance where you are weaker.
• Will celebrate your successes with you and are excited about your journey.
• Challenge you to grow and think outside the box.
• Validate you and your experiences.
• Have shown through their actions that they are trustworthy and that they value the trust you place in them.
• Are honest and dependable.
• Have integrity in their own life and expect that from others, too

Obviously, you want to be a friend with those desirable traits, too.

Take a look at times when you may have vented to someone who betrayed your confidence. Did you tell this person because you were feeling lonely and needed to get it off your chest? Did you tell someone who had really earned your trust?

Video for Be careful who you vent to. A listening ear is also a running mouth.

Some people thrive in crazy-making and chaos because it is what feels normal to them. It’s completely maladaptive and no doubt draining to that person as well as those around them. What kind of behavior will you see if you’re standing in the middle of someone else’s crazy-making storm?

• Gaslighting tactics. This is the most common trait. This can look like making you feel like something did (or didn’t) happen when it really didn’t (or did). You can leave a conversation with them doubting your own perception of what really happened or feeling crazy yourself.

• They have a selective memory. If you remind them that you have told them how a certain behavior hurts you, they have no recollection of that conversation.

• The rules will change on a whim to conform to how the crazy maker is feeling in that moment.

• You feel like you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t when offering solutions to the problem.

• They will tend to project their own feelings onto you to avoid responsibility for their own feelings.

• Communication is not fair and assertive. You are met with passive aggressiveness.

• This person will lack any kind of true empathy for you.

• Everything is very black and white or a crisis and the end of the world.

• They try to make you feel guilty for things that you shouldn’t feel guilty about.

• They will offer you inconsistent praise. Some people are very vulnerable to becoming addicted to inconsistent praise. The crazy maker will give you praise, and you will feel good about things, and then they quickly take it away. There have been numerous studies that show how addictive inconsistent praise can be to people and how praise from someone who doesn’t give it often, is more meaningful. It’s actually been equated to the inconsistent reward of gambling addiction. 

Often times if you are dealing with someone who is engaging in crazy-making behaviors, it can be hard to see, especially if they are a loved one or if they are close to you. A crazy maker craves your energy in the conversation, almost like an emotional vampire does. It’s easy to get into an argument with them, but what you have to understand is that any kind of “rules of engagement” in an argument will quickly change to what the crazy maker wants and needs. What “rules” might apply today, may not apply tomorrow. You will only leave the conversation feeling more confused and drained.

Here are some steps you can take to maintain your own sanity in these situations:

1.) Detach yourself from the situation. When you can take a step back and understand that what is happening is someone else acting out their own issues, it’s easier to not get drawn into it or offended by what they’re saying.

2.) Reduce the amount of time you spend with them. If you have to spend time with them, make sure you balance it with time away from them where you are practicing self-care and nourishing your soul.

3.) Maintain healthy boundaries. If you aren’t dependent on external validation, then you will have stronger boundaries with others. Know that you have a right to set whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with and that “no” is a complete sentence.

Finally, if you have a partner or someone close to you in your life who is a crazy maker, also take a look at how you feel about yourself. Often times we can attract crazy makers into our life because we struggle with our own self-worth. We can get into a vicious cycle of tying our self-worth to how the crazy maker treats us. And we keep playing the game until they finally treat us better, but they never actually do.  Pay attention to how the crazy maker treats other people. Does he or she treat others better? Are the people they are treating better exude a higher sense of self-worth?

If you are struggling with this, know that you are worth so much more and start giving yourself the love and respect you deserve. We teach people how to treat us and what we allow will continue.

Video for Some people create their own storms and then they get mad when it rains…

As an empath, this is something I struggled with for a long time. I never really knew where to draw a line or how to create boundaries. I honestly believed that having boundaries when it came to the people I love was selfish.

While empathy is essential for developing deep, intimate relationships with others, it is also necessary to know how to balance your own needs and self-care, too. Otherwise you will fall into a vicious cycle of constantly tending to the needs of others, while failing to take care of your own basic needs.

When this happens over a long enough period, you open yourself up to a few mental health challenges, such as:

• Losing the ability to fully understand what you want or need.
• Becoming mentally exhausted and can’t fully show up for other people in your life.
• Having a hard time deciphering what is truly in your best interest.
• Having bursts of anger and frustration and not really understanding why.
• Putting yourself in a vulnerable position to be mentally and emotionally abused, such as someone gaslighting you.
• You find that your mood changes and mirrors what the other person is feeling, instead of holding on to yourself and what you feel.
• You find yourself worrying about what others think of you, rather than focusing on what you think of yourself.
• Becoming more anxious, depressed or just having an overall feeling of emptiness when forced to sit with your own feelings.

As you can see, these patterns can become part of your daily life and can dramatically affect your wellbeing.

So, what does healthy empathy look like? It’s having the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and pay attention to their needs, without sacrificing your own. And for many of us, it is incredibly difficult to even understand our own needs in those moments.

The secret to understanding our own needs is mindfulness. Being mindful of what you need and what you want for yourself. And this is especially true for when you feel the urge to be overly empathic.

For example, say your significant other wants to talk about his crappy day at the office and you know from past experience that those conversations can go on for the whole night. And you’ve had a crappy day, too. In that moment, you might be triggered to be a ‘good partner’, suck it up and be a good listener. But being more mindful of your feelings and needs in that moment might look like this: “Honey, I am sorry you had a bad day at the office. I would love to talk to you about it another time, perhaps tomorrow night. I had a very stressful day at the office, too, and my mind is just shot now. I really want to just unwind and decompress tonight. How about we plan on talking about it tomorrow night over dinner? We’ll both be more refreshed and can approach it from a better place.”

Before giving this response, I might run through the following in my head:

1.) What is my objective? It’s to unwind tonight because I had a horrible day. And I do want to be present when supporting my partner when he talks about his day, but I know I’m not in a good place to do so tonight. I just won’t be effective.

2.) What are my goals for my relationship? I always want to be a supportive partner. And I am hopeful that my partner understands my boundary tonight, because 9 times out of 10, I’m available. And tonight, I know I wouldn’t be the best listener.

3.) How will I feel towards myself if don’t take care of my need to just decompress tonight? How will I feel towards myself if I opt to listen to my partner talk about how messed up things are at his job for hours tonight?

Being mindful and clear with yourself with those three questions is the key to not only having an effective response but being able to create healthy boundaries. Sometimes your objective will be the most important thing, and sometimes your relationship or self-respect will be. It’s all about finding the right balance.

At the end of the day, you are responsible for taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries. Remember, what you allow in your life, will continue. And you have the power to determine how things go.

Watch video about Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction:

Our emotions have the ability to influence everything in our lives. It can be a wonderful thing if balanced with being rational. But when our emotions run unchecked, it can lead to a lot of unexpected problems.

Studies have shown that emotional stress has been linked to not only mental health issues, but physical health problems as well. Poor emotional health can put you at risk for a compromised immune system, heart disease, gastrointestinal distress and all sorts of other issues. But the good news is that researchers are now seeing evidence that when we are in a healthier mental space, we can experience healing effects within our bodies. 

We’ve known how powerful our minds are and how they are connected to our body. We’ve seen it play out with super negative people. Have you ever noticed how negative people tend to suffer from many physical ailments?

We’ve also seen it play out with the Law of Attraction. What we believe about ourselves and the world, we create in our life. We actually manifest it.

So, if we have the ability to directly influence our mental and physical health with our emotions and beliefs, we just need to understand how to temper our emotions with logic.

When I was in my early 20’s, I was seeing a therapist who suggested that I take DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) classes to manage my anxiety and excessive worry. DBT is a type cognitive behavioral therapy that focuses on four skills: mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness. I had two classes a week in the evenings. One class was instructional, where we learned the skills. The other was more of a process group where we talked about how we were (or weren’t) implementing the skills we were learning into our lives.

Although DBT was originally intended to help treat borderline personality disorder, it has become widely used to treat all sorts of conditions like anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, PTSD, etc. There has also been a movement in the psychology field for children to learn these skills at a young age, because unfortunately, many people don’t learn these life skills until they are much older.

I highly recommend looking into DBT and researching it yourself to see if it is something that may be helpful for you if you struggle with handling your emotions effectively. 

In a nutshell, here’s a breakdown of what the four components of DBT are:

1.) Mindfulness.

This is probably the most important skill because you learn how to stay in the moment. Feelings of anxiety are about the future and feelings of shame or guilt are usually about the past. So training your mind to stay in the present allows you to better understand what is really going on inside of you in that moment. You learn how to observe or notice these feelings in the present in a non-judgmental way. It allows you to slow things down and get into a good headspace to deal with your emotions effectively.

2.) Emotion Regulation.

These are skills to more effectively navigate your feelings. You learn how to identify your emotions, recognize and reduce your emotional vulnerabilities and implement a behavior change to help regulate your initial emotion. For example, if you feel sad and just want to be alone, one skill you learn is do the opposite action, which would be reaching out to people and attempting connection.

3.) Distress Tolerance.

Distress tolerance skills help you tolerate or survive the crisis that is happening. Here you learn how to effectively distract yourself, how to self-soothe, how to improve the moment by focusing on what you can control and thinking of the pros and cons of a response.

4.) Interpersonal Effectiveness.

This component helps you be more assertive in your relationships, say no when you want to say no, and how to handle conflict while maintaining a healthy relationship. The focus is on three things: your objective (what you want in the interaction), your self-respect (the values and beliefs you want to uphold) and your relationship (the valid needs of others). For example, one of the skills for interpersonal effectiveness in how you interact with others is called “GIVE”:

            G – Be gentle. Treat the other person with respect. Avoid attacks and judgmental statements.

            I – Show interest. Listen to the other person to hear, not to just respond. Don’t interrupt.

            V – Validate. Show through words and actions that you understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and opinions about the situation.

            E  – Easy manner. Respond with smiling and using a light-hearted, humorous tone.

There is a great resource called the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheet Workbook that goes into detail on all the skills above. You can find here. It is a great guide for applying DBT but is even more effective when used in a clinical setting.

Video for You have to train your mind to be stronger than your emotions…

Our character is shaped when we go through adversity and how we handle the obstacles that come our way. Each hurdle is an opportunity to rise back up, stronger and wiser than we were before. Falling down is an essential part of the process. How do we grow and learn the lessons we need to learn if we don’t fall down?

What defines us is how well we rise after falling. When we feel overwhelmed, beat down and discouraged it can feel like we don’t even want to try anymore. It’s okay to have those feelings. Feel them, but then let them go. Then take action, by rising to the challenge and welcoming adversity.

Here are some things to remember when you feel like giving up:

1.) Take a shower and get ready for the day. I know this sounds crazy and super basic. But we have a tendency when we feel stress to not take time for ourselves and meet our basic needs. By getting clean and getting ready for the day, you physically put yourself in a better place to handle things mentally. Therapists actually set goals with their clients to shower by a set time every day when they are battling depression. It works.

2.) Know that if you are struggling in your relationships or at a job, it doesn’t mean you are doing things wrong. When we put forth effort to do things right, we are going to have failures and things happen that we didn’t expect, and it’s okay. It’s experience and it means that we are actually trying – which is more than many people are willing to do.

3.) Hydrate, eat well and get moving. Again, this goes back to physically taking care of our bodies. And it is hard when you are stressed, upset or sad. But doing these little things go a long way in helping you mentally reframe your mind to handle adversity.

4.) Stay in the present. What makes failure feel insurmountable is piling on past failures and worrying about failing in the future. If we can stay in the present and deal with what is happening today, we can find ourselves feeling more powerful and capable.

5.) Be intentional. Know in your soul what you want your outcome to be. Know your “why”. Tell yourself that you are going to do X and that sometimes you are going to fail along the way. But it doesn’t matter, because you are going to get right back up and try again. And again. Until you get to where you want to be.

6.) Give yourself a reality check. Think back to past struggles. So far you have survived 100% of them and you are going to get through this, too.

7.) Breath fresh air. Get into nature and just breath. In Max Ehrmann’s poem Desiderata, he says, “…be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” Take in the beauty of our world and know in your soul that you have a purpose here. You belong here and there is something valuable you can give this world that it desperately needs. Don’t give up.

Video for failure is not falling down. It’s refusing to get back up.

Wouldn’t the world would be a better place if we approached love as a responsibility to keep another’s heart safe? We are often so consumed with what we want and need out of a relationship that we forget that we have a responsibility to our partner to provide a loving, safe place for them, too. We tend to focus on what the relationship isn’t giving us, rather than all the positive things we do experience from it.

This got me thinking about what a healthy relationship really looks like and the idea that we are always a work in progress. And as we grow from past and current relationships, we learn more about ourselves and what kind of partner is going to compliment us.

Here is a list of what components are necessary to have a healthy relationship that truly thrives:

1.) You can be happy and whole on your own.

While it is true that our partners encompass a big part of our lives, they shouldn’t be our end all be all. Their job isn’t to complete us. It’s important to have your own interests, friends and hobbies that make you happy and excited about your life. If you rely on your partner too much for your happiness, you place an unfair burden on him or her and you are creating an unhealthy dependence on the relationship. Get as healthy and happy as you can on your own and be mindful of vulnerabilities you may have that can cause you to become overdependent on your partner.

2.) There is trust on both sides.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If you don’t have trust, anything you try to build will be questioned at some point. This is how it looks in my marriage: my husband and I trust each other, and we respect each other’s privacy. We don’t go through each other’s phone looking for things or question each other’s intentions with how we interact with other people. I trust that we have a similar heart and core values, which brings me to #3.

3.) Each person is authentic, and they love and respect who each other is at their core.

This means that you aren’t trying to change their personality or character traits, or core values. Yes, there are always going to be little things that you wish your partner would do differently, but those are really small things. For example, my husband often leaves the pantry light on in the kitchen. It doesn’t matter the time of day or night it is. If he ventured into the pantry at any point, the light is usually left on. It has actually become endearing to me now, and I laugh and shut the light off.

At the end of the day, your partner should see all of your flaws and love you anyway. You know that your partner knows your soul and has your best interest at heart and approaches things that way. You are each other’s person. Your person is an asset to you because they know you and can point out things that you might not be seeing because you’re too close to a situation. Your partner should be a positive reinforcer in that when you lose sight of yourself, they help steer you back in the right direction. Not because it is their responsibility, but because they know who you are at your core and care about you.

4.) You both know how to effectively communicate.

Communication is more than just being able to be open and talk to each other. How you communicate is just as important.

In a healthy relationship, you can communicate without projecting onto each other, closing down, stonewalling, being passive aggressive, giving the silent treatment or blaming the other person for your feelings. You can listen to hear your partner, rather than listen to respond. Ego is removed and you aren’t thinking of all the things you want to say while they are talking or ways you can defense yourself or prove your point.

Which brings me to #5, which I believe is the most important component of all healthy relationships.

5.) Each person takes personal responsibility for their own feelings, actions and thoughts.

When you take responsibility for yourself, you own how your actions impact the relationship – both positive and negative. You understand that other people don’t make you feel a particular way. You take responsibility for how you feel regardless of what your partner says or does. It’s saying no matter what happens, you will be responsible for yourself and will always have empathy for your partner and where they are are coming from. You will respect it even if you don’t agree with it.

This doesn’t mean that you’re a doormat or don’t stand up for yourself. It means you know how to take care of yourself emotionally and mentally, soothe yourself, and respond in calm, measured fashion. When you know how to handle and take care of yourself, you don’t put the responsibility of feeling okay onto someone else. You don’t allow what someone said or did to change your emotional state.

You see, people avoid owning their own feelings and actions because it requires them to take action. Think about it. When you stop and really think about how something makes you feel, and you know that how you are feeling is your responsibility and not anyone else’s, you have to make a decision and take action.

Responding in unhealthy ways, just keeps us on a hamster wheel of denial and avoiding responsibility. It keeps us stuck. 

6.) You treat each other with respect.

Many people get hung up on respect, which I totally get. I used to believe it was #1 in relationships. And it is definitely important. But what treating each other with respect really is, is a state of the relationship. It’s how you both relate to each other and just are with one another.

This is reflected in communication, as well as owning what you say and do in the relationship.

7.)  You both welcome boundaries and aren’t offended by each other setting them.

Boundaries are basically our standards. It is our way of communicating what we will tolerate and what we won’t accept. This where we teach people how to treat us.

It important to be clear with yourself about what your standards are. Then you can communicate it to your partner. Too often we find ourselves in situations where we are upset because a boundary has been crossed, but we didn’t even realize it was a boundary for us until it had been crossed.

If you are still dealing with wounds you haven’t healed, be careful with boundaries. When we come from a wounded place, we might not believe that we are worth enough to adhere to our own standards for what a relationship should look like. So we may set boundaries, but are unable to enforce them. And when that happens, we are teaching the other person that we will tolerate them violating our boundaries. 

8.) Each partner makes the relationship a priority and actively put forth effort.

Even when you both have hectic and busy lives; it is critical to carve out time consistently to prioritize quality time to connect. This might be a date night once a week or every other week. Make it quality time by leaving your phones behind.

Couples often lose sight of the fun, light vibe they had in the beginning of their relationship. Keep flirting and having fun with each other. Put forth more effort into your appearance like you did in the beginning.  

9.) You both know how to resolve conflict.

Approach conflict as a team and remember that what the argument is about isn’t as important as the relationship. Look for a solution to the problem as a team – like it is both of you against the issue rather than against each other.

10.) Both show gratitude and appreciation for each other.

Show each other appreciation and gratitude often. Focus on what your partner does give you, rather than on what might be missing on a given day, because life happens. Make sure you tell them what you appreciate about them – it goes a long way.

Video for the responsibility of love is to keep another’s heart safe

It is said that 99% of the things we worry about or are afraid of, never actually happens. Yet we grant our fears so much validity in the moment. Perhaps if we believe we think on it happening enough, we can somehow control it better when it happens. But here’s the thing: nothing can really prepare you for loss, finding out you have an illness or anything bad happening. You will never be 100% prepared because you just can’t be.

If you are like me, when you get wrapped up in your fears, you forget to live. I literally have to give myself a brief period of time to engage with my fears and then I have to force myself to take a step back and accept that things are where they are right now. And I feel scared and uncertain, but it’s okay, because I am incredibly resilient and can get through anything. I literally tell myself that sometimes over and over again. Because believe me, if I keep engaging in the worst-case scenario, it will zap me all my energy and good things that I can enjoy or experience in the moment if I let it.

Here’s a small-scale example that really illustrates this quote. A few summers ago, my husband and I went on road trip and stopped at this nature preserve that we had been looking forward to visiting for a while. As we were walking towards the trail head, I saw a small garter snake and literally froze in place. Now I know my fear of snakes is off the charts, but I literally started to shake and had tears in my eyes. Crazy, right? I did not want to go on the trail – under any circumstances. I stood there frozen.

And as I was having my panic attack over this little snake, just chilling on the side of the trail, this little girl, maybe three or four years old came by. When she saw the snake, she got excited and ran towards it, to attempt to pick it up. But he was feeling frazzled by her interest and took off into the brush. She was living in the moment, wanting to experience it all.

Now as an adult, seeing a child get excited by seeing nature up close, as you’re shaking and nearly crying because you are so afraid, is really humbling. In that moment, I remembered being a child and being so fearless of everything. Watching her reaction was honestly a beautiful thing to witness and such an amazing reminder that we choose what we give meaning to in this world.

After I saw that, I wanted to hike the trail, and I am so glad that we did. We saw so many cool things and experienced nature in a way that really feeds my soul. Was I worried about seeing more snakes on the trail? Yes. But I pushed past my fear anyway and had an amazing experience. And…that amazing experience taught me that, 1.) I can overcome my fear of snakes and 2.) the magic of this world happens outside of our fears and our comfort zone.

Fear stops us from living and experiencing things. If you found out that you only had 30 days to live, what would you do? Would you express your love more? Would you take more chances? Would you do all the things you have been scared to do? Would you do all the things you have been waiting until you feel “ready” to do?

Isn’t it funny how when we feel that brush with death, all we want to do is live more than we ever have before? But here’s the thing – tomorrow is promised to no one. We will all die. And we don’t know when. Fear is not going to stop death. It robs us of life.

Our time here is limited and we are perishable items. What will you do today to live like you dying?

Fear does not stop death, it stops life video