Your boss has feedback on your presentation, and your stomach sinks. Your boyfriend doesn’t react to your new haircut the way you expected him to. Your guests don’t compliment the meal you made them, and you feel like you failed.

This is the length we go to for external validation. We all crave to be liked. Humans are naturally social creatures, and we are programmed to crave approval from the people we are surrounded by. We like to be praised, accepted, and liked. However, when this goes too far, we develop an external mental point of origin. I talked about my own journey struggling with this in a previous post.

The problem with the constant need for external validation is two-fold. First, someone who is always craving external validation allows themselves to be defined by others. This means that if someone has a positive opinion of you, you think you are great. On the other hand, if someone has a negative opinion of you, it can lead to feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem. And believe me when I tell you that this can become a vicious cycle.

In addition, the focus on external validation means that you need other people’s approval and validation to feel pleasant emotions. And when you don’t get them, you feel like something is wrong with you, resulting in loneliness, shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, or a host of other painful emotions that can spiral into negativity.

So how can you stop relying on external validation?

1.) Stop comparing yourself. With everyone posting highlights from their lives, it can often feel like we aren’t pretty enough, rich enough, cool enough, or just good enough. Social media is a breeding ground for comparison, causing us to further seek out external validation.

Rather than scrolling and comparing yourself, get into the habit of appreciating yourself and being okay with the way you and your life is. Remember, nobody is perfect. Nobody’s life is perfect, either. Take everything you see with the knowledge that you are only seeing the highlight reel of someone’s life that they have curated for the world to see.

2.) Be grateful yourself. Practicing gratitude is a good habit. Numerous studies have proven its benefits, religious teachers and psychologists swear by it, and it’s part of every self-help guide. However, how about being grateful for qualities that you possess? Celebrating yourself is a big part of reducing your need for external validation and learning how to validate yourself. Take note of what you did well, things you are proud of, good choices you made, or what you love about yourself.

While it is healthy to praise yourself and give yourself credit, don’t take it too far, either. Learning how to validate your strengths and being honest about your weaknesses pave the way for a balance of believing in yourself and allowing yourself to push out of your comfort zone to grow.

3.) Ask yourself what you need. Sometimes we are the harshest towards ourselves when we need our own compassion the most. When you feel low, emotional, or down, rather than punishing yourself for feeling bad, ask yourself what you need. You might just need a nap, a walk to feel refreshed, or a moment to cry. Whatever you need, let yourself have it without judgment, regardless of what you did or didn’t do before. This is a key aspect of validating yourself and acknowledging your needs as important.

4.) Validate yourself. When you find yourself looking for someone else’s approval, whether it’s a compliment for your new outfit, or someone to tell you “good job” on the decision you made, ask yourself, “what do I hope that person tells me?” Then, instead of waiting for someone to give this validation to you, tell it to yourself! External validation is a common issue that most of us deal with. However, it can become unhealthy when the need to be liked and accepted by others becomes a need. If you find yourself craving someone else’s approval, try these tips out to practice relying on yourself.

Have you ever hit a big milestone, which you thought would change your life or be incredibly fulfilling, only to feel a bit disillusioned?

Whether it was a New Year’s Eve party, your 25th birthday, the day you got a job, or anything else, sometimes the things we look forward to for months or even years leave us feeling a little flat.

When we put too much thought and desire into that ‘one big thing’ that will make us happy, we almost always feel disappointed. So, then where and how do we find happiness?

Big Things Are Just Little Things

The truth is, all the big things that we experience are really made up of many little things. One year is made up of 31,536,000 seconds. A snowstorm consists of millions of tiny snowflakes. An ocean is made up of gazillion drops of water. Just like that, our lives, efforts, goals, and happiness depend on countless little things. This is why the secret to your future is hidden in your daily routine.

When you start living for the small moments, you’ll realize how good your year went. Enjoy your morning coffee. Rather than dreading your dishes, take that moment as a chance to check in with your feelings or to say some affirmations. Maybe listen to a podcast. These small moments add up and create a beautiful, fulfilling life.

Continuous Improvement

Continuous improvement is the dedication to improving in small ways every day that will add up to a significant change.

Most people underestimate the power of growing by 1%. If you strive to improve yourself by just 1% everyday, you’ll end up 37 times better after a year. So, what does that look like in action?

Think about the goals you want to set. If you want to be healthier overall, then think about what habits can be improved. For example, perhaps you eat 5 candy bars a day. Just taking one bite less each day will make a huge difference at the end of the year! If you go to sleep at 2 am, try to get to bed just 5 minutes earlier each day. When you head to the grocery store, park a little further so that you walk a few steps more. These are all examples of tiny adjustments that are almost imperceivable yet can make a huge difference over a year.

If you want to grow mentally, start with learning one fact a day. After ten years, you’ll have a bank of 3,650 facts!

Make Intentional Choices

Remember each decision you make, no matter how insignificant it seems, is powerful and makes a difference.

If you want to become the author of a best-selling book, then start writing every day. Even if you just write a few sentences a day, it adds up.

If you want to get abs, then go to the gym every day. Make healthier choices – that one little “cheat snack” seems small but that’s where the secret to your fitness lies.

Imagine if you lived as if every decision mattered. How would your life change? The key to fulfillment is not in the big things. Rather, it’s in the small things. Build habits and routines that enable you to continuously improve, even if it’s just by a tiny bit. Every small step in the right direction matters, so don’t get discouraged if you don’t see a difference by day two. Continue and persist, and know that as long as you keep improving, you will reap the rewards.

We’ve all had experiences with people who have come into our lives and posed as friends. Sometimes we quickly recognize these people for who they really are, but other times we don’t see it immediately.

In a previous post, I wrote about why it’s so important to surround yourself with people who truly support you. Having people around you who don’t want you to succeed can be detrimental to your mental health. Here are some signs to look for with fake friends and some ways to identify the good ones.

How to Know if a Friend is Fake

These people will seem great in the beginning. They’ll tick all the boxes of a great friend but beware of the signs below before you invest your time and kinship.

The Rude Dude

At first, you might find their rudeness funny, and no doubt they’ll laugh it off with you. After all, they’re the party’s life at times, and it’s refreshing to hang out with someone who isn’t afraid to speak their mind. However, you’ll notice that rudeness pops in more and more.

Scratch My Back, But I’m Too Busy to Scratch Yours

There are people out there that talk a good game. They’ll make you feel like you can speak to them about anything and that they will be present for you whenever you need them. However, when you look at the dynamics of your friendship, you find that you are the one who is always listening to their woes and giving them advice. When the tables are turned and you need them, they aren’t available for you.

The Jealous One

Some people can’t help but make you feel bad about yourself. It could start out as a little jab here and there, and then turn into full-on degrading meanness. These are not friends you want to have. Their jealous nature has nothing to do with them and everything to do with how they feel about themselves.

They Want You to Fail

While good friends support positive changes you are trying to make in your life, there are those who feel threatened by your advancement. Some people want you to fail so they don’t feel alone or that they are failing in their own life. Remember, misery loves company.

Signs of a Good Friend

Good friends are ones you love to spend your extra time with and can totally be yourself with. Here are some signs that you’ve snagged a good one.

They Listen

A good friend will always find time to listen. They’ll be there for you when you need them and always make you feel like you’re being heard. These are the people that will empathize with every situation you ever face and tell you the truth of the matter, especially when you need to hear it.

They Understand You

Every now and again, you’ll come across someone who will just understand you as you are. These are the people you can communicate with through a facial expression and will have your back no matter what. You can laugh, cry, yell, etc. There’s never a need for an explanation.

They Give When Least Expected

This friend will show up at your place of business unannounced with your favorite coffee or breakfast item. They have an endless amount of affection for your friendship and love you unconditionally. They’ll give their time and love freely without ever expecting a penny or favor.

They Show Up

A bestie will show up at every event, even if it’s not a big deal. They value the closeness and show it by being physically there to cheer you on in every endeavor.

They Don’t Judge

A true friend won’t judge you. They understand you and know your heart. And they make room to let you know that your feelings are valid.

As cliché as it may sound, true friends are hard to find. But sometimes, they show up when you least expect it, and a life-long friendship occurs. And the ones that aren’t so good? Well, they are a good lesson about exactly what you don’t want and need in a friend.

There are times in life when forcefulness is necessary, but there are also situations where pushing too hard only causes problems and slows your progress. This is especially true when pursuing goals or creating positive changes in your life. If you try to force things to happen too quickly, you end up feeling stressed and frustrated with little results to show for it.

On the other hand, when you relax your grip and allow events to unfold with their own perfect timing, things will usually happen much more quickly and easily, and you end up feeling good the whole way through.

If you are in the habit of trying to force things to happen, whether it’s an important goal that you’re working toward, or even trying to control the people and events in your daily life, it can be worthwhile to examine your underlying motivations and release any conflicting beliefs that could be slowing you down.

For example, attempting to control everything around you could reveal a fear that you will not get what you want, so you feel compelled to make it happen yourself. This fear might be based on any number of beliefs, such as a belief that you are unworthy, or a belief that the universe is cruel or indifferent and will not support you.

To determine your own beliefs, ask yourself, “Do I believe that I must push or force things to happen? Do I believe in a loving, supportive universe, or do I need to make things happen all on my own?” Notice any feelings that come up in your body. If any limiting beliefs are present, you will notice feelings such as fear, worry, sadness, isolation, or emptiness.

Once you have identified the beliefs that are driving you to push too hard, you can begin releasing them and developing more supportive beliefs. A good way to begin this process is with your self-talk. Say, “I release the belief that the universe won’t support me or help me. I now choose to believe that good things happen for me when I let go and trust.”

Rewriting your beliefs takes a little time and persistence, but once the new beliefs take root, you will notice a marked difference in the way you feel. Rather than feeling anxious or worried, or trying to force things to happen on your own, you will feel more relaxed and trust that everything will work out. You will feel as if life is working for you, rather than against you. Even when obstacles appear or delays happen, you will be unconcerned about them, knowing that things have a way of working out in your favor eventually.

Before long, you will notice that life is responding differently to you. The more relaxed and detached you are, the easier things will flow. Positive events and circumstances will start showing up spontaneously, without any effort required on your part. When you do need to take action on something, it will feel easier rather than difficult and draining. And it just continues to get easier the more you practice letting go and allowing ease and flow in all areas of your life.

When I first started this blog, many of the quotes I wrote about were similar to this one. And there is so much to be said about self-worth and people in your life who don’t see your value.  What I love about this one, though, is that it highlights personal growth. Once you begin to believe in your own worth, you find it harder to be around those who do not. And presumptively, you make the choice to not to spend your time with those who don’t appreciate you. You don’t fight with them to see your value anymore. You just move on.

When we don’t see our own worth, we tend to look to others for that validation. Ironically, we often pick partners who offer us inconsistent praise and love. So we end up in a vicious cycle of chasing the validation, only to get it inconsistently – which keeps us coming back. In an earlier post, I wrote about how you might fall into this kind of dynamic, and what you can do to fix it. You can read it here.

In high school, I had an older boyfriend who everyone thought was cool. He was out of school already, very attractive, came from money and drove around in a cherry red convertible. He would pick me up from high school and when he would pull up the curb, everyone would look at us. It was beyond strange.

He also treated me like utter shit. Not only was he possessive, he was constantly flirting with other girls, and he became abusive in every way imaginable. The short-lived relationship was a nightmare that took a long time to heal from.

One of the things that really made me see that this guy didn’t value me or appreciate me was a reality check from several of my guy friends and several of his friends. Some of his own friends told me I needed to end the relationship because he was so crazy. Talking with my male friends made me realize that I had lost sight of my value in that relationship. I realized that I had a lot to offer and this guy was not worth the abuse and drama.

After the relationship ended, I spent some time being single. I had just entered my senior year in high school, and I wanted to take the time to understand myself and what I really wanted to do with my life. I also wanted to build my self-esteem so I wouldn’t find myself in another relationship like my last one.  

I wish I could tell you that I learned my value senior year and didn’t settle for relationships with people who didn’t see my worth after that. But that simply wouldn’t be true. We lose sight of our value from time to time. I wrote about my experience hustling after my own worthiness as a young adult. You can read it here.

I think we all fall into this trap sometimes. And when we do, we just have to regroup, pick ourselves back up again and remind ourselves of how worthy and valuable we are. And when we do that, it will be hard for us to stay around the people who don’t value us.

When we create something we are passionate about, it can become bigger than us and touch many people. It becomes our legacy. 

Building a legacy often requires blood, sweat, and tears. And some people dedicate their entire existence for something good to be passed down to future generations. It can be a massive undertaking or as simple as a family recipe book. Regardless, lasting legacies are something to be proud of and are most often built with love for a family to continue passing down.

What is a Legacy?

When we think of legacy, we think of what someone did leading up to their passing, a company they built or wealth they have left behind for their family. Legacy can be so much more than this, though. It could be something like personality/wisdom or even a lesson in how not to live. Legacies give us a good understanding of where we came from, helps us form lasting bonds with loved ones, and keep us grounded in our roots.

For example, a friend of mine lost her dad in a freak accident. It shocked everyone (obviously), and she was sad for a very long time. Years later we find ourselves laughing about things her dad would say or what kind of wisdom he would impart in certain situations. And if he was here today, he probably would give that advice. She takes so much comfort remembering him as he was and what he would say to support her today, as if he was really here.

How to Leave Behind a Worthy Legacy

There are many different ways to build a legacy if you don’t already have one. Or maybe you already have one and want to develop it further. Either way, here are some excellent ways to start thinking about creating a lasting legacy.

Family Traditions

Do you have family traditions that are already in place? If so, fantastic – start writing them down. If you don’t have any, this could be an excellent time to write about what you think could be good family traditions. It could be a family reunion, gathering at someone’s house on a set day, or simply getting everyone together to watch a movie. Nothing is off-limits, so be creative and think about ways for you and your loved ones to participate in fun activities.

Family Stories

Family stories are fascinating and learning about the people who came before you can be inspiring. If you don’t have any family stories, start writing them down. Then, someone down the line will take an interest, even if you think you haven’t accomplished anything.

Your Story

What is your story? What do you want to leave behind? This might feel overwhelming at first but write down your story and continue on whatever path leads you to the most peace. Though we don’t always think of things in the future, your story could provide insight to someone later down the line and hold valuable lessons for others.

Skillset

If you’re good at something, it could be utilized later in your family tree. We see this all of the time in trades. For example, let’s say you grew up in a family of doctors, and you want to follow that tradition. It’s likely, because you have been around them for your entire life, you’ve picked up little tidbits that make you feel comfortable in that study.

Though becoming a doctor is excellent, it doesn’t have to be that involved. It could be something like writing, sports, or anything extracurricular.

What Are Some Legacies You Can Leave?

There are many things that you could pass down to make a positive impact on your family and the world. Here is a list to get your creative juices flowing:

• Activism
• Recipes
• Businesses
• Skillset
• Book/Memoir
• Hobbies
• Wisdom

Legacies are so important and are a way to pass down positive messages to the world. It can help us remain grounded and connected to our roots and assist us in developing close ties with others. It can also impact how we see the world and what we need to do for positive change. So even if you’re just beginning to think about your legacy, you have to start somewhere, and it’s never too late.

We all go through difficulties and challenges in life, and how they shape us is entirely up to us. At times we may feel beaten down by life, or resentful and bitter about the injustices in the world. Sometimes we are seduced into a mindset of fear, and we become overly cautious because of the perceived dangers lurking around every corner. However, there are certain kinds of people who not only survive their challenges, they actually thrive because of them.

Have you ever wondered what makes the difference between these types of people? What makes a person able to overcome challenges and come out the other side better than they were before? There are a few key traits that are commonly found in these individuals.

First is the power of belief. Your beliefs will inspire certain actions and reactions to your life experiences. If you believe that a challenge is too big, insurmountable, or unchangeable, you won’t even try to overcome it, or if you do try, you probably won’t give it your full effort. On the other hand, if you fully believe that you can overcome it, your attempts to do so will be much stronger. Also important is your belief in yourself. Even if you theoretically believe that a problem can be solved, you still won’t try unless you believe in your own ability to be the solver of it.

The wonderful thing about beliefs is that they can be changed with a little bit of persistence. If you don’t already have a strong belief in yourself, you can start changing this by saying repeatedly, “I choose to believe in myself. I can handle anything. I can overcome any challenge that life throws at me. I’ve got this.”

Think about the difficulties that you have already overcome in your lifetime, and allow those memories to encourage and strengthen you. With enough repetition, your belief in yourself will continue to get stronger.

The next important trait to develop is determination. Think about your usual reaction to challenges when they arise. Do you feel discouraged and overwhelmed, or do you clench your jaw and decide that you will find a way around the obstacle no matter what it takes?

Determination is often the only thing that will keep you going when a situation seems to be hopeless. The best way to build up your determination is to simply decide that you will get to where you want to be, and you will accept nothing less than that. Keep making this decision daily, and nothing will be able to hold you back.

Patience is the third crucial piece of the puzzle. While some challenges can be overcome quickly, others may take time. If you don’t have patience, you will probably give up too soon. One good way to develop patience is to keep saying to yourself, “I can wait. It will take as long as it takes, but I’ll still get there no matter what.” Make peace with the obstacles in your path, knowing that they will not be there forever.

Developing your strengths of belief, determination, and patience will enable you to overcome any challenges you may face in life, big or small. Even better, you will empower yourself to actually thrive and become stronger and more confident because of them.

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where everything seems to crumble all at once, or your entire year has been full of mishaps? Over the last few years, we’ve all experienced some rocky days, weeks, or even months. And during those times, fear is alive and well, and faith takes a seat in the back. However, most people don’t realize that faith and fear are the same. Both require believing that what you don’t see will happen. 

This quote is spoken in the movie Life of Pi. It is true, you cannot know the strength of your faith until it is tested. But how do you effectively handle your faith being tested and the feelings of fear accompanying it?

What is Fear Really?

When we unpack it, fear is an emotion we feel that is triggered by the perception of danger. And that danger can be real or imagined. But even if it is imagined, our minds and bodies respond the same way as we would to a real threat. We confuse danger and fear.

Fear is often experienced because we feel anxious about the future, or we have a lack of knowledge, experience or understanding about a situation.

Case in point. Early on in my corporate career, when I was an aspiring office drone, I worked for a major media company. We had an event where I had was tasked with giving a presentation to about 20 people. I had to speak about where we were in the process of deploying an initiative our client had and I was terrified. I am extremely introverted, shy and had avoided speaking publicly like the plague. But now I had to do this as part of my job.

I was so scared simply because I had never done it before. I knew everything I was supposed to know, so going over that didn’t ease my fear. So, trembling in my seat, wanting to run away (I actually thought about how it would play out) when it was my time to get up in front of everyone, I impulsively decided to just go for it. I presented myself as more laid back than I felt, made jokes and was more engaging than I thought I could be in that kind of environment. And you know what? Once it was over, I was like, “yeah, I can do this again, it wasn’t so bad.”

I had built up my fear about this event, that wasn’t nearly as disastrous as I feared. My fear was so big over nothing in the end. And afterwards my boss asked me why I was so afraid to do it. She said I was engaging and made the event more fun and productive.   

The end result of this was that my faith in myself was strengthen because I overcame my fear. I needed to go through all the self-doubt I had about getting up in front of all those people and not dramatically failing to show myself that maybe I can do this after all. In the last minute of me sitting in that chair before I had to get up and talk, I impulsively decided to just throw myself into it and have faith that it would work out. And it did.