It’s easier for people to take what they don’t like about themselves and find the same weaknesses or flaws in another person and be vocal about it. It temporarily relieves the uncomfortable feelings they have about themselves.

For example, Mary cheated on her history exam. She discovers that John did, too, and she criticizes John for doing the same thing. Mary is taking her own feelings about her own actions and focusing her energy on being critical of John for the same action. Yes, it’s hypocritical. But behind that hypocrisy, is insecurity about how she feels about herself cheating on the exam.

How do we stop this ineffective thought process?

Instead of focusing your feelings on what others are doing, focus on how you are feeling about yourself. Are you proud of the things you are doing? Would you do them around people who you want to respect you? Focus on what works for you in your life and less on what other people do. When someone does something and your first reaction is to criticize what they did, ask yourself the real reason why it bothers you. Is it because you do the same thing and feel bad about it?

Everyone has done things at some point in their lives that they are not proud of. It’s part of human growth and learning who you are. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing. You just need to be worried about what you’re doing and whether or not you are consistently make progress to become the best version of yourself.

In a previous post I talked about the entire process of becoming. From a seed in its natural form, evolving in the dirt, in darkness, where no one can see what’s happening. Yet underneath the surface, the seed is transforming into something the world has yet to see. For people who don’t understand growth, it would look like the world is ending, yet it is really just beginning.

It is in our darkest periods that we discover who really are and what we are made of.  The truth is, when you’ve been in the darkness long enough, you truly begin to see. All of a sudden, you have this clarity and understanding of what really matters. And it takes going through hardship to reach that next level of consciousness that is needed for your next chapter.

How do you want to radiate into the world? What will it take for you to get where you are today to get to where you want to be tomorrow?

When you decide to act on seeking revenge on someone, you inevitably end up poisoning your own mind because you are so fixated on harming someone who has harmed you. Once that seed takes root in your mind and you choose to take action, you go down a path that you can’t come back from.

Movie and television plots are laden with the theme of revenge…and we can’t stop watching them. It’s what drives the story and allows us to connect to the characters. The impulse to right the wrong that happened resonates with us. The idea of exacting sweet revenge on someone who has done us wrong is a natural human response backed up by science. MRI scans have shown that thinking about revenge activates the reward center in our brains and releases dopamine. But does carrying it out really benefit us?

Well, let’s take a look at what revenge really is. It’s justice, right? It’s resetting the balance of things in the universe. It’s giving someone what they deserve for hurting you or trying to destroy you or someone you love. When I think of The Punisher on season two of Daredevil on Netflix, I can’t help but think he is completely justified in his actions. Revenge is human feeling we can all relate to. We align ourselves with the person seeking it and hopes he or she gets it.

But setting down the road of revenge is also ego driven and based the need to control the outcome of the person or people who harmed us. It is not trusting that the universe is unfolding as it should, be it fair or not. It’s not trusting that what goes around comes around. The idea of trusting that they will ‘get theirs’ isn’t good enough.

Whether it’s justified or not, seeking revenge corrupts who we are. It infects the mind and focuses on resetting and re-balancing our universe by looking to do so externally. Even if you plot and scheme day and night to destroy a person, it may not even work. In our efforts to re-balance the universe by getting justice, revenge becomes a vicious cycle of retaliation. You can’t fix what happened to you by breaking someone else.

As cliché as it is, the best revenge you will ever get in life is living your life the best way you can. Instead of focusing on external things to make you feel better, focus on what you can control. Pour all that energy you have for destroying someone else into creating the life that you want for yourself.

The truth is, the people who have wronged you don’t deserve such a prominent place in your heart. Don’t allow them to run your emotions. Focus on achieving your goals, cultivating healthy relationships and experiencing life on your terms. Your time here is precious and you are a perishable item. Don’t give things that don’t deserve a place in your heart or mind the chance to take root.

in·tu·i·tion – the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Our gut or intuition is our immediate understanding of something. We can’t really explain why we understand something a certain way, we just do. It is an inescapable, strong feeling of what we know in our heart is right – even if it doesn’t seem to make sense logically or there is evidence to the contrary.

I am a strong believer in trusting my gut instinct. I place a lot of faith in my ability to just know what the right path for me is. But, like everything, our intuitions aren’t foolproof. And there are some things that can interfere with what our intuition is telling us.

These four culprits below can really cause us to stray from the path we know in our heart we should be on. Here’s what to look for and how you can gain clarity during those times:

1.)  Overthinking. Paralysis by analysis is indeed a real thing! When you find yourself overthinking things, determine what purpose the overthinking is serving. Often times, when we go over things again and again, what we are really doing is rationalizing or justifying something. Keep in mind that doing this often leads you away from your intuition.

2.) Getting caught up with the “shoulds”. I should do X, I shouldn’t do Y, etc. These beliefs of what we should or shouldn’t do can shackle us. Yes, it is important to be introspective and think about actions you are about to take. But when we become focused too much on “shoulds” it can cloud our ability to see what our intuition is telling us.

3.) External validation. When we worry too much about how others see us or what they will think of our choices, what our intuition is telling us can become unclear. We can lose sight of it because we’re so focused on how people will see us. 

4.) Confirmation bias. We tend to seek out information that confirms our own world view. Be careful with this one! If you have a set of beliefs that supports the idea that you can’t do something, when your gut tells you to take the chance, your brain may try to convince you that you aren’t capable or that you don’t have what it takes to succeed.

The harsh truth is, many times the odds aren’t going to be in your favor. But you never know when the tide will turn, and when the odds turn back your favor. This happens all the time. There are so many variables in life, and the only way we really have a shot at anything is to keep trying.

If your heart is telling you to follow your dreams or take a chance at something, listen to it. No matter what your chances are. In the show, The Amazing Race, even when it seems like your team is going to be last, you keep racing. Because you never really know where you are in the race because other teams have setbacks, too. Giving up because you don’t think you have good odds of making it to the next leg, can cost you the whole race.

People often confuse fear with danger. Danger is very real, but fear is an emotional response to something that may or may not be real. Let’s take a look at their specific definitions.

Danger: The possibility of suffering harm or injury. A person or thing that is likely to cause harm or injury.

Fear: A strong, uncontrollable, unpleasant emotion caused by actual or perceived danger or threat.

Notice that danger is an action – something that presents a very serious potential outcome of harm. This could be an action you take, or another person takes against you, or just simply being in a situation that is dangerous.

Fear is not an action. It’s an emotion. It is a feeling about something that has yet to happen. Its intensity is so powerful that it can impair and skew our judgment when determining what is truly a threat.

So how do we learn to conquer our fears rather than let them conquer us?

The first step is to explore what you are really afraid of. Then go through the worst-case scenario and think about what you have control over and create an action plan. Your plan should only entail actions that you have complete control over.

Chris Hadfield did a great TED Talks in Vancouver about going temporarily blind while in space. You can check it out here:

Astronauts spend hours and hours practicing not only what should go right in space, but what can go wrong. In practicing different scenarios, you learn how to effectively deal with situations that happen that can be terrifying.

When I was really little, my mother was afraid that I would clandestinely wander outside and fall into our pool. I was a clever kid, even at that age with a knack for getting into places that I shouldn’t have been in. Instead of stressing about what I would do, she focused on what she could control and signed me up for swimming lessons. I spent that whole summer learning how to swim. It made her feel better and it equipped me with the skills I would need if I had found myself deep water.

Another way to conquer fear is to do what you are afraid of over and over again. As long as it’s objectively safe and can be done in increments. We tend to be afraid of what we don’t know.

As adults we can be so resistant to things we fear. But as kids, we are fearless. It’s funny how we lose that spirit as adults. By doing what we fear over and over again, we are flooding ourselves with the experience and seeing firsthand that we are okay when exposed to what we fear. For example, if you are afraid of heights, go up to the top floor of a high building. You can gradually increase the height, before say, really taking the plunge and going skydiving.

The other thing is to remember that you are not alone when it comes to fear. We have all been afraid of things. What if my partner leaves me? What if I get fired? What if my loved one becomes ill? What if my kid doesn’t get his act together and find a job? These are all very real worries and fears that all of us have. But we can’t let them run our lives because we will be completely ineffective should what we fear actually happen.

What are you living in fear of? Are you really in danger?

It’s easy for us to look at someone else and judge what they are doing. But we are merely looking at a snapshot of their actions. We aren’t seeing what may have happened before or what they are feeling, or many other variables that led them to where they are or what they did.

When we make judgments about people, it says more about who we are than who they are. Many people feel more comfortable judging people in black and white. It’s safer that way and more defined. But humans are a million shades of grey.

How do you overcome the knee-jerk response of making a snap judgment? By practicing empathy. Do you know all of person’s experiences? Do you know what they want? Do know what challenges they have or what’s keeping them up at night? You can’t possibly know everything about them, but if you think about what their experience might be like, how it must feel to deal with X or whatever it is, you can re-frame the situation and better understand their actions. Their actions become more relatable.

When you spend time judging others, you reveal a part of you that needs healing. When you really understand someone else’s motivations and mindset, their actions will make much more sense. You will start to notice that their actions are consistent with their character. Say you have a friend or relative whose behavior you simply just don’t agree is the right course of action. Ask them motivations and why they feel how they feel about it. Having this information allows you to understand them better.  It allows you to be supportive of them as a person, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their choices.

Last month I talked about how “someday” is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. We believe that we will have “someday” to do the things we really want to do. And maybe someday will actually come for us. But what if it doesn’t?

And what we really should be asking ourselves is why are our dreams so unimportant that we put it off until some undefined date? Our dreams are what we have been called to do. And what if someone else on this planet is depending on you to do what you have been called to do?

We have no idea how many trips around the sun we have. We need to make our moments here count.

It is never too late take action. It is never too late to get healthy, improve your relationships, have the career you want or live your dreams. If you are alive, you are breathing. And there is still time to make your move.   

Jocko Willink reminds us that time is running out. And that the earlier you get in the game, the better life you are going to have.

Stop waiting for the new year, Monday or the first of the month. Start now and let it be messy. Because if you wait for the right time, or for conditions to be perfect, you will be waiting forever. And life is happening now.

Last month I talked about how people can say all the right things, but at the end of the day, how they choose to treat someone else through their actions says it all. Actions will always speak louder than words. And when you don’t back up your words with your actions, your words become meaningless.

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking it. It is easy to know the path and talk about it. You can become a guru about it and talk about what others need to do. Knowing is somewhat passive and it requires intellectually curiosity. However, walking the path involves taking action and risk. It takes you showing up and being responsible and accountable for your course of action – and whether it has a good or bad outcome. Walking the path gives you experience and credibility because you’ve taken action.

Remember, what we do has a stronger impact on others than what we say.

Here are some things to remember when we want our actions to be consistent with our words:

• Telling someone you are sorry when you have wronged them is important. But what really shows someone that you are sorry is changing your behavior going forward.

• If you respect someone, be consistent with your body language. Don’t roll your eyes when they speak if you don’t agree with them. Don’t gossip about them behind their back and say that you respect them.

• When you are in a heated argument and you don’t want to scare your partner, don’t be scary. I’ve been around people who say they are insecure or scared themselves in the moment, but then they’ve acted scary towards me. If you don’t want to scare your partner, learn how to manage your emotions effectively so that your actions reflect how you say you feel.

Remember, people may not tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention. How they treat you is how they feel about you.