There is power in silence. Creation starts with a single seed. It stays buried in the soil, covered in darkness, without any evidence that is there. But beneath the surface, it’s forming its root system into the ground and it’s taking in nutrients and water. And it remains there, patiently growing into something greater than it was. All without calling attention to itself.
When a tree falls in the forest, it makes a huge noise. You know something happened because of the sound and the destruction that lays in the tree’s wake.
In our modern world, we need to remember that creation is silent because there is so much noise around us. We are drowning in it. Think about people you know who are always telling everyone and anyone how great things are in their life. Or how people’s curated lives on Instagram or Facebook looks amazing. They are broadcasting themselves or showing their highlight reel and many times it’s not even an accurate reflection of reality.
When you are trying to create something, whether it’s a business or you are trying to improve yourself, know that like the seed, your progress might not be readily visible for the whole world to see. And that is totally okay. It doesn’t matter what others see, what matters is what you see and what you know. Like the seed in the soil, there might not be evidence of your growth. But if you were to peer underneath the surface, in silence, a whole new world is emerging.
According to a study of more than 170,000 people published at the Psychology Bulletin in 2013, the average adult’s network of friends and colleagues have shrunk over the past 3 decades. Countless recent studies have shown that we are lonelier now, than ever before, since the birth of social media – a medium that in theory should make us feel more connected to others.
I know that for me, when I have been lonely, I’ve made the mistake of connecting with other people out of desperation. And many times, the people I selected to open to, were not trustworthy. Looking back, I was so desperate to feel seen and heard, that I missed the warning signs that were there that told me that this person was not someone I should confide in.
We have all gone through periods of extreme loneliness, and I can tell you that for me personally, there have been times when I have felt overwhelmed by it. It can feel depressing and you can feel like you are the only one experiencing it. But I promise you that you are not alone.
Let’s take a look at how we can overcome feelings of loneliness, and traits of good, core friends that we can turn to for support.
Here are some tips I found helpful for overcoming my own feelings of loneliness:
1. Identify why you are feeling lonely.
There is a difference between feeling lonely and being isolated. Do you feel lonely because you are in the wrong relationships and you don’t feel like people get you? Have you isolated yourself from people and feel disconnected from the world? What do you wish you had in your life right now that would make you feel more connected to the world and to others? How do you want to connect to the world? What are the things that are important to you and bring you joy?
The answers to these questions can help you identify the root cause of what is creating loneliness and it can help you navigate to a path of connection.
2. Put yourself out there. Even when you don’t feel like it.
I can’t stress this point enough. Even if you don’t feel like putting yourself out there, do it anyway. Don’t wait until you feel okay about it. There are tons of ways to meet new people and make connections. Take a class you are interested in, volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about, join a meetup group for something that is interesting to you. Join a book club or support group. Go on a random adventure or plan one.
The point is, start experiencing things. If you end up doing something that doesn’t really resonate with you, that’s okay, you’ve learned something about yourself.
3. Start a gratitude journal.
It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our own feelings of loneliness that we forget to think about all the things that we do have to be grateful for. It’s amazing how we can shift our mindset and mood when we start to focus on the things that we do have.
4. Stop spending a lot of time on social media.
Understand that most of what you see out there, are people’s highlight reels. It’s all curated and people are posting about unpleasant things they may be going through. I look back at my own posts and things seem so great in the pictures, but in reality, I was miserable. Don’t allow yourself to focus too much on what others are posting.
Here are some traits to look for when building a close circle of friends you can turn to for support. Select friends who:
Have similar values and/or goals.
Are positive reinforcers for you and who can bring balance where you are weaker.
Will celebrate your successes with you and are excited about your journey.
Challenge you to grow and think outside the box.
Validate you and your experiences.
Have shown through their actions that they are trustworthy and that they value the trust you place in them.
Are honest and dependable.
Have integrity in their own life and expect that from others, too
Obviously, you want to be a friend with those desirable traits, too.
Take a look at times when you may have vented to someone who betrayed your confidence. Did you tell this person because you were feeling lonely and needed to get it off your chest? Did you tell someone who had really earned your trust?
Video for Be careful who you vent to. A listening ear is also a running mouth.
It has been said time and time again that we are the sum of the five people we spend the most time with. The company we keep reflects something about us. If we hang out with questionable characters, even if we choose not to partake in certain frowned upon activities, people may deem us guilty by association. Fair or unfair, it happens. And while I am a huge proponent of you do you, don’t worry about what other people think, this brings up a question I have been asked before: How do you find “good” friends?
As social media has taken such prominence in our lives, many studies have shown that we are more connected than ever, yet we feel more alone than we have ever felt. We have tons of “friends” on social media, but we have lost real, meaningful connections with others.
When we are younger and are in school, we can form friendships easier. But as a young adult, how can you meet new people to develop great, meaningful friendships? Here are some ideas:
1.) Join a Meet Up group in your area or take a class. Having a hobby in common is a great place to meet new people that you can learn with and have fun doing something you enjoy. Maybe that’s a writing class or photography meet up.
2.) Volunteer your time to a cause you feel passionate about. Again, this is a great place where you already share a commonality and passion.
3.) Use social media to reconnect with old friends. Instead of keeping your conversations just on social media, make a coffee date and actually get together.
4.) Download a friend-making app. Apps like Bumble BFF, Hey! VINA and Atleto are places you can start to find local people who share similar interests.
Most importantly, put yourself out there! You won’t find a good tribe if you don’t put yourself out there.
The desire and will to succeed is an admirable virtue. How many stories have we heard about of musicians, actors or people born into poverty? But they worked hard, maybe had a little bit of luck along the way. Perhaps they gave up everything they had to pursue their craft and never gave up until they made it. As a culture, we love those stories of struggle and determination. It reflects our human spirit. And without ambition we wouldn’t have the world that we have today.
But what if I told you that ambition is living for the future? And that the future you are living for today may or may not come? Only you can decide if that is the path that you want to take, and if it is worth it to you. Maybe it is worth the sacrifice of the present, maybe it isn’t.
The dark side of ambition is that it can become all-consuming. When we come from of a place of needing or wanting more, and we aren’t enjoying the journey to success, we come from a place of lack. Having a sense of lack can be motivating or can make you miserable. There is a fine line.
Shakespeare said that “expectation is the root of all heartache.” Things in life have the meaning that we attach to it. And often times, we have some kind of idea or outcome that we want to see happen in our relationships. What messes us up and makes us unhappy are the expectations that we put on ourselves, others and outcomes.
What does it mean to have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing? It all starts with you and your own beliefs in your ability to be okay no matter what happens. It’s confidence that the Universe is unfolding as it should and that each situation that you are faced with is an opportunity to grow from. Therefore, it is actually a benefit to you to be open to everything and not attach yourself to anything.
Let’s take a look at ways you can begin to embrace this concept.
1.) Embrace change and see the experience as something that will help you along your journey. Maybe the change that is happening is something you don’t like at all. Instead of dwelling on it and thinking about the negative, think about it as a data point. Maybe this data point has helped you understand yourself more or what you do and do not like.
2.) Reframe how you see what is happening in your life. Tony Robbins says, “What if everything in your life, including the most painful and traumatic events, was happening for you, not to you?” If everything is happening to you, it can feel powerless. But if everything is happening for you, it is an opportunity for better understanding and growth. It is a more empowering mindset.
3.) Understand why you are attached to the outcome. Sometimes our own insecurities are hidden in our desired outcomes for a situation. For example, if I am feeling insecure about my relationship with my significant other and I want him to do something (the outcome) that will soothe my insecurity, I have just made myself dependent on something external for me to feel better about myself. That’s not good for me and it isn’t good for my relationship because it isn’t his job to “make me” feel secure about myself. By understanding your real motives, you can begin to unpack what is really driving the desire for a specific outcome and you can focus on addressing the issue within yourself.
4.) Build a good support system. When life doesn’t go as expected, having a strong support system can make all the difference. Having people you can support during times of crisis and who can be there to help you through your own crisis can help with acceptance of what is happening. And when you have that acceptance, you can grow from it.
5.) Be gentle with yourself. Letting go of beliefs of how things should be is not easy. Trusting that you will be okay no matter what happens is easier said than done at times. Make sure you are kind to yourself through the process and practice self-care.
6.) Get excited. When you open yourself up to everything, something magical happens. It’s like the Universe knows you are ready to experience something positive. How many times have you heard someone say that if they hadn’t taken a small step out of their comfort zone, something big would have never happened? By opening yourself to everything, anything is possible.
Here’s my challenge for you. What if you decided that just as a little test, for the next five days you are going to have zero expectations and be open to the world and all its possibilities with every single person you encounter? Would your loved ones feel more accepted by you? Would you be happier with how you are expressing love and support to those around you?
It’s all about what you are made of, not your circumstances. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Most of the time we can’t control the hand that we are dealt, but we can choose how we play the game.
Here are three ways we can change our mindset so we can withstand life’s curveballs.
1.) Believe that “you got this” and that you can overcome anything. I’ve heard people say, “fake it until you make it”, and it is true. When we act as though we are in control and that we can handle things, eventually we get to a place where we actually believe it.
2.) Welcome struggle and adversity. Struggle and adversity shape your character. It allows you to build confidence in yourself and grow. Instead of seeing these as hurdles, see them as allies in your personal journey.
3.) Ask for help when you need it. I know, this is hard. I hate asking for help. I convince myself I don’t really need it and I’m being ridiculous by asking for it. But we all need help sometimes. And sometimes that looks like having a friend you can vent to. Life can be hard and unburdening yourself and sharing the load can help you refocus so you can start building an effective solution.
Some people thrive in crazy-making and chaos because it is what feels normal to them. It’s completely maladaptive and no doubt draining to that person as well as those around them. What kind of behavior will you see if you’re standing in the middle of someone else’s crazy-making storm?
Gaslighting tactics. This is the most common trait. This can look like making you feel like something did (or didn’t) happen when it really didn’t (or did). You can leave a conversation with them doubting your own perception of what really happened or feeling crazy yourself.
They have a selective memory. If you remind them that you have told them how a certain behavior hurts you, they have no recollection of that conversation.
The rules will change on a whim to conform to how the crazy maker is feeling in that moment.
You feel like you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t when offering solutions to the problem.
They will tend to project their own feelings onto you to avoid responsibility for their own feelings.
Communication is not fair and assertive. You are met with passive aggressiveness.
This person will lack any kind of true empathy for you.
Everything is very black and white or a crisis and the end of the world.
They try to make you feel guilty for things that you shouldn’t feel guilty about.
They will offer you inconsistent praise. Some people are very vulnerable to becoming addicted to inconsistent praise. The crazy maker will give you praise, and you will feel good about things, and then they quickly take it away. There have been numerous studies that show how addictive inconsistent praise can be to people and how praise from someone who doesn’t give it often, is more meaningful. It’s actually been equated to the inconsistent reward of gambling addiction.
Often times if you are dealing with someone who is engaging in crazy-making behaviors, it can be hard to see, especially if they are a loved one or if they are close to you. A crazy maker craves your energy in the conversation, almost like an emotional vampire does. It’s easy to get into an argument with them, but what you have to understand is that any kind of “rules of engagement” in an argument will quickly change to what the crazy maker wants and needs. What “rules” might apply today, may not apply tomorrow. You will only leave the conversation feeling more confused and drained.
Here are some steps you can take to maintain your own sanity in these situations:
1.) Detach yourself from the situation. When you can take a step back and understand that what is happening is someone else acting out their own issues, it’s easier to not get drawn into it or offended by what they’re saying.
2.) Reduce the amount of time you spend with them. If you have to spend time with them, make sure you balance it with time away from them where you are practicing self-care and nourishing your soul.
3.) Maintain healthy boundaries. If you aren’t dependent on external validation, then you will have stronger boundaries with others. Know that you have a right to set whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with and that “no” is a complete sentence.
Finally, if you have a partner or someone close to you in your life who is a crazy maker, also take a look at how you feel about yourself. Often times we can attract crazy makers into our life because we struggle with our own self-worth. We can get into a vicious cycle of tying our self-worth to how the crazy maker treats us. And we keep playing the game until they finally treat us better, but they never actually do. Pay attention to how the crazy maker treats other people. Does he or she treat others better? Are the people they are treating better exude a higher sense of self-worth?
If you are struggling with this, know that you are worth so much more and start giving yourself the love and respect you deserve. We teach people how to treat us and what we allow will continue.
Video for Some people create their own storms and then they get mad when it rains…
In mythology, the phoenix is a large and radiant bird with beautiful plumage and magical capabilities. With brilliant hues of reds, yellows and purples, it associated with sun and fire. The phoenix builds his own funeral nest, and when it is time, he lights himself on fire with a single clap of his wings. He turns to ashes, then rises again, reborn.
The phoenix symbolizes rebirth and renewal. The end is never the end for this amazing bird. What looks like death and destruction to someone who doesn’t know the phoenix, is actually renewal, rebirth and new beginnings.
Sometimes our lives have to completely fall apart, so we can rebuild it, stronger than it’s ever been. We have to go through the darkness to get to the light. What may feel like the end of the world, may be a necessary step in our journey for our next chapter.
You are a phoenix. And you will be reborn again, beautiful and majestic. So, when you feel like giving up, remember these things:
1.) Motivation does not come from a feeling; it comes from action. We tend to wait until we feel like we are in the right mood to feel inspired, but the reality is, action causes us to feel like we are doing something towards our goals. And that is why we begin to feel inspired. It’s not from thinking about it, it’s from doing something about it.
2.) Know your “why”. Why are you doing this? What are your reasons? When you understand the why, the how becomes a lot easier. The “how” can be trial and error. If something doesn’t work, that’s okay, keep going and try something else. If it doesn’t work, you’ve just learned something and it’s just a data point.
3.) Don’t compare yourself to others or their journeys. You are on your own unique path that is for you and you alone. Comparing yourself to others, is like comparing apples to oranges. It’s an unfair comparison, because each are different. The only thing you should ever compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.
4.) Be easy on yourself. We are going to experience heartbreak, loss and setbacks. These can be hard to deal with, so be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to fall in the water and cry, just don’t stay there. Experience the emotions, then let them go and practice self-care. You deserve to treat yourself well.
5.) Exercise. Whether it’s walking out in nature or lifting weights, nothing restores my soul and “resets” my mind like physically doing something. The endorphins produced by exercise reduces stress and anxiety, helps you sleep better, improves cognitive function and overall lifts your mood. Putting yourself in the best mental place you can be every day, helps you overcome feelings of discouragement or wanting to give up.
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