Our feelings, whether emotional or physical, are all messengers. If you’re like me, emotions can physically show up sometimes before you can mentally acknowledge it. Sometimes it is only the physical symptoms that cause me to slow things down and ask myself what I’m really feeling.

Emotions are a means of feedback to our body. It’s a way for our body to pick up on sensory inputs, translate the information and then send it to our consciousness. Positive and negative feelings help our minds figure out whether we need something to change or not.

Let’s take a look at some common negative emotions that can be trying to send some powerful messages.

Sadness

This means you have lost something that was important to you. When you feel sad, your body is telling you that there is something that was taken away or lost.

Ask yourself – what is it that you value that has been taken away? How can you replace that?

If you felt sad when you weren’t invited to something, it shows that you probably value community. When you get clear on that, you can find another way to replace what you lost. In this case, you can intentionally find other ways to connect with people.

Anger

Anger is an emotion that arises when you feel like you lack control or there is an obstacle standing between you and what you want. When you feel angry, ask yourself: what is it that I want? Is there another way I can get this?

Additionally, anger can be used in a very productive way. Use that anger to fuel your growth. Channel it into something healthy like working out or pursuing your goals.

Shame

Feelings of shame can feel like carrying a box of heavy rocks around. Shame is the feeling of being something wrong. Unlike guilt, which is the feeling of doing something wrong, feelings of shame are all about being someone who is wrong, inadequate, bad, vulnerable, helpless etc. We often see ourselves through this distorted lens, while others do not.

So, what is the best way to combat feelings of shame?

Brené Brown says that shame needs three things to grow in our lives: secrecy, silence and judgment. To combat it, you need empathy. When you confide your feelings into another person (who is a safe person to do so), and they respond with empathy, shame cannot survive.

Fear

Fear is a very intrinsic emotion to our humanity. It is direct feedback to protect us from threats or dangers.

Fear keeps us safe. The problem is that sometimes it keeps us safe from things that aren’t real dangers. For example, as children we were put in situations that we feared, whether it was talking to new people or disappointing a parent. These fears often linger with us as adults and keep us stuck in our comfort zones. We are anxious in social situations because we fear what others think of us. We adopt people-pleasing habits because we fear disappointing others. We stay in toxic relationships because we fear being alone.

When you feel afraid or anxious, it’s crucial to face that fear and identify what it really is. Then consider if it is a real current threat or just a lingering fear from your childhood. Ask yourself: what do I need to feel safe right now?

Our emotions are messengers that help us take actions towards our wellbeing. Remember, emotions are not permanent. Rather than trying to avoid your emotions, feel them and understand what they are trying to tell you. Let them guide you towards a life that aligns with your values.

For years I was a total pro at compartmentalizing my feelings and emotions. I was often dealing with hostile and volatile people. As a way to survive it, I repressed my feelings and just went on as normal, like everything was okay and my life was good. And things looked great on the outside. But on the inside, I was dying.

What I learned along my way was that whenever you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself. Once you start repressing your emotions and convince yourself you are strong for doing so, it becomes easier and easier to just keep doing it. And in my case, I did it for years.

While it might be helpful to avoid your feelings in the short term and muscle through the situation, long term it will take its toll. Because I buried my feelings for so long, I really lost my way. I became so externally focused, that I relied on other people’s opinions of me to determine my self-worth. Over time, who I was and how I felt faded away. It got to the point where I pushed my feelings aside so much, when asked how I really felt about something, I couldn’t have told you because I just didn’t know anymore.

The truth is, being honest and vulnerable takes more strength than repressing your emotions. When we avoid our feelings and emotions, we are also avoiding taking responsibility for our lives. While our intentions of not wanting to rock the boat might be good, we are attempting to control things and manipulate the situation.

For me, I didn’t want conflict. I knew that being assertive and standing up for myself would create some serious waves for some of the people in my life. I didn’t want to sit with the feelings or consequences of offending them or upsetting them so much that they abandoned me. I was scared. And in the process, I put up with a lot of bullshit no sane person would ever put up with. Overtime it eroded my self-esteem, and I lost confidence in myself.

How to Connect with Your Emotions

If you are struggling with identifying your emotions, here are some ways you can stop avoiding them and tap into what you are really feeling.

Slow Things Down

When something happens that evokes a feeling in you to just stuff down your feelings and keep moving, slow things down. That urge to stay busy or just go on as normal is a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid how you are really feeling. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings. If there were no consequences, how would you feel about it?

Dig Deep

If you have become good at covering up your true feelings, you may have to dig deeper to uncover what you are really feeling. Perhaps you’re angry about how your partner treated you. Underneath that anger, maybe you are also feeling sad and don’t feel valued. Try to dig deep and get at the root of what you are really feeling.

Pay Attention to Your Body

Physical sensations we have and help clue us in about how we’re feeling. Is your body relaxed or tense? Is your jaw clenched? Are your hands relaxed or have you clenched your fists? When you notice these sensations, ask yourself what you are feeling, without judging yourself.

While it may seem hard to connect with your feelings at first, over time with practice, it will get easier. Be patient with yourself.

If you have a problem with something someone does and they don’t see it as a problem, it is unlikely that they will change. We all have our own definitions of what is okay and what isn’t, as well has standards that we have for our relationships.

A few years ago, a friend of mine found herself in quite the dilemma with her then husband. She gave me permission to share her story. At the time her and her husband had a business together, as well as a YouTube channel. One day she was running around getting a script together for their channel and as she walked by him on his computer, he was looking at porn, on of all places, Reddit (who knew?).

One, she was pissed (understandably so) that as she was scrambling to get content ready for their channel and he was just sitting back watching porn. They were on a deadline. She felt like he wasn’t as invested in their endeavors and had been feeling like she was doing a lot more of the work lately. Two, they had stopped having sex. Seeing him look at porn stung because they weren’t being intimate anymore, and it was something that bothered both of them. They had gotten to a point where they were both scared of rejection and of being vulnerable with each other from past issues in their marriage. They kind of let themselves fall into rut of just not trying.

To her, porn wasn’t a dealbreaker, but his attitude about it and other things that we will get to were.

One, he truly didn’t see anything wrong with looking at porn – even if they weren’t having sex. He told her that even if they were having sex, he was still going to look at it. He said he was a grown ass man and if he wanted to look at porn, why should he hide it? (A good question…why did you feel the need to hide it if you didn’t find anything wrong with it?)

Two, as they talked through things, he admitted to talking to a bunch of women online and trading sexual pics. He didn’t find anything wrong with doing that while he was married, either. He claimed that there was no emotional connection, etc. and that it was just for sexual release.

My friend could accept her husband looking at porn but talking to other women online and trading pics was a no go for her. She felt duped by him because he presented himself as someone else. And she felt like he was incredibly selfish. As she struggled to deal with their lack of intimacy while in therapy, he had been getting his kicks online.

The truth is, unless someone either sees an issue with their own behavior or sees that it hurts their partner and it pains them to see their partner hurting, they probably aren’t going to change their behavior because you asked them to.

As painful as that reality might be, it is okay. It is far better for you to find someone who aligns more with what you value in a relationship than to chase after someone who doesn’t. You deserve to have someone show up and meet you where you are today. Life is too short, and it is happening now.

In The Dark Knight Rises, this quote is spoken by Miranda Tate (Talia al Ghul). After Talia stabs Batman, she monologues the big reveal of who she really is and who is really behind the mayhem happening in Gotham. She describes her patience in waiting to exact revenge on Batman for killing her father as the slow knife that takes its time and waits years without forgetting.

I’ve written a few posts about holding onto anger and seeking revenge. While the thought of destroying someone who has wronged you can feel satisfying, allowing yourself to marinate in them can be self-destructive. It changes who you are if you refuse to let go of it.

In this movie, Talia masquerades herself as philanthropist, Miranda Tate and gets close to Bruce Wayne (Batman). She becomes a board member and CEO for Wayne Enterprises and becomes someone Bruce can trust. They share an intimate encounter one night, and it is here where we see for the first time that everything may not be what it seems with Miranda. Bruce traces his fingers on a scar Miranda’s back has that the audience has seen before. Bane has a similar one, and it is from a branding iron used by the League of Shadows.   

To get revenge and finish her father’s mission, Miranda had to build her life around this persona she created to get close to Bruce. She needed to gain Bruce’s trust for him to give her access to the reactor. To meet her objective, she had to live and breathe her mission. And then when she was ready, she betrayed Batman by trying to kill him. This is level of deception was done quietly and did indeed cut the deepest for Bruce.

The moral of this story is that if you spend your life seeking revenge for the wrongs that were done to you, it comes with great personal sacrifice. As hokey as it sounds, the best revenge is living your best life. Have enough self-worth that you don’t forfeit your own life, to destroy someone else. Let karma take care of it.

When we are growing and changing, it can feel like we are losing something. We might lose the things that we used to be good at, the people we love, or the things that made us feel comfortable. But growth is necessary for us to become the people we are meant to be. So even though it might feel scary or painful, we should embrace it.

What Exactly Will You Lose?

Growth will often require you to change parts of your life. This could mean leaving something, or someone behind. It might feel like you’re losing something of great value, but it’s important to remember that this is part of the process.

For instance, in order to pursue the career of your dreams, you may need to quit your job and move to a new city. In this case, you are losing the stability and income you currently have. However, this doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing. It just means that you must be willing to let go of the old in order to make room for the new. You might be able to start a new life with a higher paying, more exciting, and more rewarding career. You’ll have to lose your old job to acquire a newer one, one that is better suited for you.

You might also lose friends as you grow and change. This is because you will no longer have things in common with them. As you become more interested in different things, your friends who don’t share those interests may no longer be a part of your life. And that’s okay! It’s natural to outgrow the people you used to be close to. You’ll make new friends who share your new interests and with whom you’ll have a stronger connection.

Or you might break up with your significant other because they’re not ready to grow with you. These things can feel like huge losses, but they’re actually an important part of the journey.

Dealing With the Loss

Loss is an inevitable part of life. It is something that we all must face at some point. However, it is important to remember that growth can also be a form of loss. Just as we often must let go of things in order to move forward in life, so too do we have to let go of parts of ourselves that no longer serve us.

This doesn’t mean that loss is easy. It can be difficult and painful to let go of things, even if we know it’s for the best. However, it is important to remember that growth is necessary for us to become the people we are meant to be.

What Will You Gain?

While it’s impossible to say exactly what you’ll gain from growth, you can be sure that it will lead to positive changes in your life. You might find that you’re better able to handle stress, or that you’re more resilient than you used to be. Maybe you’ll develop new skills or interests. Whatever the case may be, growth brings about positive change.

What Will Help You Grow?

There are many things that can help you grow. It could be taking on new challenges, learning new skills, or spending time with people who inspire and motivate you. Whatever it is, make sure that it is something that you are passionate about and will make you happy.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a post about how toxic people will condition you to believe that your normal response to their disrespect or toxic behavior is actually the problem, not their behavior that caused the reaction. They are masters at gaslighting and manipulation and do it so naturally…it’s disturbing. You can read the post here.

I’ve dealt with my own share of manipulators like this. And it usually goes like this: They do something disrespectful and hurtful, and you sit down to talk to them about it and tell you how it made you feel. But somehow, the table gets turned and all of a sudden you are the bad guy. You are the person who has wounded your partner by being so…disrespectful and hurtful. Or you try to talk to them about something that just happened, and instead of addressing your feelings, they respond with a full arsenal of things that you did or how you hurt them. And in some cases, these are things that go back years ago. But somehow it is relevant to the behavior you are calling them out on, that happened an hour ago.

The horrible thing about this kind of dynamic is that when it happens enough, you seriously start to second guess yourself. Was I really hurtful? Did I approach this conversation from an angry place?

These people are gaslighters and take zero responsibility for themselves. Because they are not ready to acknowledge their own toxic behavior, you asking them to be accountable feels like an attack. So being the crazymakers they are, they flip the script and make you the problem.

Unless the person who was disrespectful is willing to own up to what they did and apologize, you cannot have a deep, meaningful relationship with them. For some of us, it’s easy to apologize and say that we’re sorry. But for others, their ego investment is so high that they see owning their behavior as a weakness.

The truth is, we all engage in some kind of manipulative behavior at one time or another. It is human nature. For example, if your boss asks you your opinion about something, you might not be honest about how you really feel because you want to illicit a positive response from your boss.

The problem is when manipulation has become a person’s go-to strategy to get their needs met. People who resort to this kind of manipulation usually:

• Have a huge fear of abandonment
• Feel safer when they have control or power over others
• Use it as a mask to conceal their own feelings of helplessness and worthlessness
• Feel better when they get what they want from a person or situation because it elevates their own self-esteem

One common trait you will notice with manipulators is that they will always prioritize their own feelings and desires above the well-being of others.

So, how do you deal with a person who is trying to manipulate you?

While our first instinct might be to placate the manipulator to get the conflict over with, it is best to confront the behavior. Since manipulators hide their real feelings and motivations, you have to approach the manipulation a little differently. They aren’t likely to admit that they are attempting to manipulate you. Try this instead:

• Stay calm. Often times a manipulator is hoping to get a reaction out of you so it can be used as leverage or as information to further manipulate you.
• Ask the person if they can tell you directly and explicitly what they want.
• Don’t call them out on lying or gaslighting – they are unlikely to own up to it.
• Don’t allow yourself to feel shamed or guilted into doing what the manipulator wants.
• Don’t be afraid to say no and hold your ground.
• Be direct in your response and refuse to escalate the situation. They will likely just try more severe tactics to get their way.

In a world of hardship and stress, it’s easy to forget the simple joys in life that can make all the difference. This Irish proverb is a reminder that sometimes the best medicine is just a good laugh and a restful night’s sleep.

Whether you’re facing a challenging day at work or struggling with personal issues, taking a moment to step back and enjoy a good laugh can help you put things in perspective and recharge your batteries. So next time you’re feeling down, remember this proverb and try to get some rest and laughter into your day.

Why You Need to Take a Step Back

When you’re stressed or going through a difficult time in your life, it can be hard to see the silver lining. Everything may seem dark and hopeless, but it’s important to remember that this too shall pass. Life is full of ups and downs, but eventually, the sun will shine again.

Why Humor is Helpful

While it might not be easy to see humor in the situation at first, having a sense of humor may help shift your mindset into a more productive state. Here are just a few reasons why it’s so important to find the humor in life:

Laughter Relieves Stress

In today’s world, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. We’re constantly bombarded with news and information, and it can all be very overwhelming. When you’re feeling stressed, take a break and do something that makes you laugh. Laughter is a great way to relieve tension and forget about your troubles, even if just for a little while.

Laughter Boosts Your Immune System

When you laugh, your body releases endorphins, which have a number of health benefits. Endorphins are known to boost your mood and relieve pain, but they also help to strengthen your immune system.

Laughter Makes You More Attractive

Yes, you read that correctly! When you laugh, it actually makes you more attractive to others. Laughing causes your facial muscles to contract in a way that is similar to smiling, and people are naturally drawn to those who smile.

Laughter Offers a New Perspective on Life

Laughter can help you see things in a new light. When you are able to see the humor or irony of a situation, you disarm yourself from your initial worries and stress. You pivot to a place where you can see the situation from different perspectives and most importantly, be able to come up with more effective solutions.

In addition to laughter, you should be getting plenty of sleep. When you’re struggling with something in your life, it can be tempting to stay up all night worrying about it. But that’s not going to do you any good. Sleep is essential for both your physical and mental health, so be sure to get plenty of rest. Not only will you feel better physically, but you’ll also be able to think more clearly and make better decisions.

Tips To Relax

Sometimes, with all the things that can happen in life, it can be hard to relax. Here are some tips:

Find Things That Make You Laugh

Whether it’s watching a funny movie, reading a humorous book, or spending time with friends who make you chuckle, laughter can help reduce stress and improve your mood.

Get Enough Sleep

When you’re well-rested, you’re better able to cope with life’s challenges. Make sure to get at least seven to eight hours of sleep each night.

Take Some Time for Yourself

Whether it’s taking a relaxing bath, taking a walk outside, or just sitting down with a cup of tea, make sure to schedule some time each day to unwind and recharge.

Try Deep Breathing Exercises

Taking slow, deep breaths can help you relax both physically and mentally.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness can help you focus and be in the present moment, which can be a great way to reduce stress.

This Irish proverb is often used to describe the benefits of laughter and sleep. Laughter has been shown to have a number of health benefits, including reducing stress, improving mood, and boosting immunity. Sleep is also essential for our overall health and well-being. It helps us recover from physical and mental exhaustion, and it plays a vital role in memory and learning. Together, laughter and sleep are two of the best things you can do for your health!

When a person hasn’t dealt with their past wounds and traumas, their issues surrounding them will inevitably come up in their romantic relationships. Why does this happen? Because when we haven’t dealt with and integrated these things from our past, we unconsciously seek resolution to those issues with our current partner. But the resolution is found within that person, By turning outward to find it, it is a sure fire way to end up disappointed and place unrealistic expectations on your partner. The truth is, if you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.

In Showtime’s Couples Therapy, Dr. Orna Guralnik works with couples for a number of months on common issues that come up in relationships. It’s a great show and so much better than VH1’s Couples Therapy that was aired years ago. Watching it actually helped me see some issues in my own marriage that had been brewing underneath the surface. But anyway, in season 3, we can see how pervasive unresolved issues can creep into relationships with one of the couples, Cyn and Yaya.

There were many things at play with this couple, but one of the things that struck me most was when Yaya would be vulnerable about her love for Cyn, Cyn would withdraw and sprinkle into her response that she still wanted to sleep with other women. She was being overly honest to the point of being cruel to her partner. When Yaya would try to connect with her in therapy, Cyn would put up barriers. It was almost like Cyn was trying to sabotage their marriage. Orna would call Cyn on things that she would say in these situations and concluded that she still has some work to do with her. There were obviously unhealed issues for Cyn that were being carried over into her marriage.  

Cyn isn’t a horrible person at all. She just can’t give Yaya what she needs right now. You can have a partner who is great in many aspects, but they just might have some unhealed traumas that they need to deal with.

A good relationship is a place where you have a soft place to land, but at the same time, you are encouraged to grow and evolve into the best version of yourself. Many of us go into relationships with unhealed trauma truly believing that it won’t impact the relationship. But if we are still hurting from our past, it will rear it it’s ugly head at some point. And that is when the relationship takes an unhealthy turn.

To me, love is many things, but it always comes with responsibility to keep another person’s heart safe. What does that look like and how do you know if you are in healthy relationship? I wrote a lengthy post, outlining my 10 components of a healthy relationship that you can check out here.   Are you dealing with some old wounds that haven’t fully healed? How is it showing up in your current relationship? What steps can you take to begin to heal and give yourself the love and kind of relationship you deserve?