While this quote might feel a bit harsh to read, there is truth to it. When we fall into the habit of complaining about a situation, we inevitability make ourselves a victim. By just complaining about it and not doing anything to change it, we become powerless. We give away our own power to someone or something else.

Let’s take a look at what the word victim means. A victim is defined as “a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, killed, cheated, or fooled by someone else, or harmed by an unpleasant event.”

While we all experience injuries like these throughout life, what matters most is how you respond to it. If you have a victim mentality, you may feel like your always being victimized, no matter what the circumstances are. You may often feel like there is some kind of injustice happening to you when there really isn’t.

The truth is, martyrdom is like crack – highly addictive and very destructive. It is really easy for all of us to fall into that kind of mindset. Why? Because as humans, when tend to default what we don’t have, and that was kind of engrained in us as kids. If Sammy had a cool toy and we didn’t, we felt a lack. As adults it may present itself as us throwing pity parties for ourselves, feeling like life isn’t fair (in fairness, life isn’t fair, but you just have to roll with it) and have a woe is me mindset.

And honestly, it is okay to cry about things and feel overwhelmed at times. But you start treading dangerous waters when you stay in that state.

Signs You Have a Victim Mindset and How to Overcome It

You may not even realize that you have developed a victim mindset. Below are some tell-tale signs of this kind of ineffective mindset. You may feel:

All Your Problems are Catastrophic

You may catastrophize all your problems, believing that it is the end of the world. You may feel like there really isn’t a solution to your problems and you are just stuck having to deal with them.

By believing the worst possible outcome, you teach your brain to look for the worst in every situation. And because you are looking for the worst in everything, the Universe as a funny way of delivering just what you are focused on. 

When you find yourself catastrophizing, slow things down and fact check. Are you jumping to conclusions? Is what you are saying really true or is it based on an emotion like fear?

Powerless

Whenever we allow something that someone did or the way an event unfolded to control us, we give away our own power. People who feel like victims are very aware of how vulnerable they are.

They may even engage in self-sabotage to try to control an outcome, so they aren’t disappointed. They experience a feeling that Brené Brown calls “deep foreboding.” These feelings just feed into that feeling of powerlessness.

If you find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of powerlessness, remember all that you have gotten through and survived. Redirect your focus from outward and look inward. Trust yourself. You have survived a lot and you will survive whatever is coming.

Negative Self-Talk

When you feel like a victim, you tend to tell yourself things that confirm the belief that you are a victim. It can show up as self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. Like I said about feelings of powerlessness, this kind of negative self-talk can cause you to sabotage yourself, which even further confirms the negative beliefs you have about yourself. It becomes quite the vicious circle.

Try to be compassionate with yourself, like you would be to someone you love. Challenge the destructive beliefs you have about yourself. You also deserve the kindness and love that you give to others.

You Feel Bitter

People who feel like a victim, tend to hold onto bitterness and anger – even from things that happened years ago!

If you find yourself replaying things from your past that you cannot change, challenge yourself by asking what you are getting by holding onto these negative emotions. Forgive those who have harmed you, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.

While you may not be able to control all of what life throws at you, you are in control of how you respond to it. And that is where your power truly lies. Remember, whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.

The very first post I ever wrote on our website for Self-Care Sunday, was about the importance of practicing gratitude. Before I started writing out a few things I felt grateful for every day, I was skeptical about the whole concept of writing it out. I knew I was obviously grateful for a lot of things in my life, so why did I need to write it out? But let me tell you – writing it out makes a huge difference!

By intentionally channeling my energy into writing out at least three things I was grateful for every morning, I developed a habit. I trained my brain, by making sure I considered what I was grateful for and formulating it into words every single day, to actually see my life from a better perspective. A clearer perspective.

When we aren’t in the habit of practicing gratitude, our minds kind of default into a scarcity mindset. We naturally focus on what we lack, rather than what we already have. And this very human and an issue in our culture, too. We constantly see people’s highlight reels on social media and end up comparing ourselves and our lives to this curated content. This can cause us to lose sight of all of the amazing things we already have.

When we approach our day from a place of being grateful for all that we have, we are already living our life from an abundance mindset. When we see things as abundant, we are more in control of our experience. When we feel like our world is abundant and we are open to the world and all its possibilities, a funny thing happens – we begin to attract everything we want.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a post about transformation. True and lasting transformation happens when the pain of staying where you are is greater than the pain of making the change. It is human nature to stay in situations that are known to us, even if they are horrible and ineffective.

Why do we tend to procrastinate when it comes to the changes we need to make? Interestingly, Mel Robbins tells us that procrastination isn’t about the thing we are procrastinating about. Instead, she says that it is a form of stress relief.

When we think of transformations, or any kind of change we want to make, we tend to feel overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done to accomplish it. But if we can break it down into smaller steps, not only is it less stressful, but we are more apt to stick with it.

The truth is, real transformation happens when the little things you do everyday support your stated goals. You might not be able to do everything at once to get to your goals. But each day you are putting one foot in front of the other and working towards it.

My husband and I love to go on extended road trips. We love the unpredictability of what we will find and the adventure. For us, we find that spending time in nature or experiencing new things nourishes our souls.

While focusing on your career can help build you wealth, there are other currencies, too. Having financial stability is helpful, but for me, I need to fill my soul with adventure.

How to Make Each Day an Adventure

You don’t need to go on expensive trips or long road trips to enjoy adventure. I look at adventure as a mindset. It’s trying new things and being open to the world and all its possibilities.

Make a Local Bucket List

Write down places that are close to you that you would like to visit. Perhaps you’ve never gone camping before and there is a nice campground close by. Spend a weekend camping there to see how you like it. Maybe there are interesting attractions nearby like museums or adventure parks that you could check out. You might be surprised at how many things are around you that you have never visited or even known about. 

Take Different Routes to Places

If you have always taken one specific route to work, try a new route. You never know what you will find! I recently went to meet a friend who moved 90 minutes way from me. I ended up deviating from the directions I had on navigation because there was a lot of traffic. I discovered beautiful countryside and scenery I never would have found had I not gone off the main roads.

Eat Something New

Explore a new restaurant you’ve never been to or make a recipe you’ve never made before. One year when my husband and I travelled back home, my brother suggested eating at a new taco place that was radically different from anything we ever had before. We went and the tacos were amazing! Now I love trying tacos at different places whenever we travel.

Learn Something New

Take a class or study something you’re interested in. The possibilities are endless. You can learn how to play guitar, speak another language, photography, calligraphy, surfing, etc. You might discover a new passion!

Experience a New Activity

Do something that you normally wouldn’t do. Do some archery or go axe throwing. Go rafting or ziplining. Get out of your comfort zone and have fun!

Challenge Your Beliefs

Seek out conversations with people who have different beliefs than you do. Or take a break from things you would normally read, watch, or listen to. Change it up and see what new perspectives you can experience.

You don’t need fancy vacations to exotic places to have an adventure. You can create adventures for yourself every day. You are too extraordinary to live ordinarily.

It is human nature to want to seek comfort. We find comfort in our daily routines, relationships, and the way our life is. Our comfort zone can be a beautiful place. The only problem is, nothing ever grows there. 

When I look back a significant times of growth in my life, they all happened outside of my comfort zone. That uncertain place is where the real magic happens.

When it comes to personal growth and success, excuses for why you didn’t go after it will always be there. But opportunity won’t.

The main reason why we choose comfort over growth is fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. But we confuse fear with danger. Let’s look at what they both mean.

Danger: The possibility of suffering harm or injury. A person or thing that is likely to cause harm or injury.

Fear: A strong, uncontrollable, unpleasant emotion caused by actual or perceived danger or threat.

Notice that danger is an action – something that presents a very serious potential outcome of harm. This could be an action you take, or another person takes against you, or just simply being in a situation that is dangerous.

Fear is not an action. It’s an emotion. It is a feeling about something that has yet to happen. Its intensity is so powerful that it can impair and skew our judgment when determining what is truly a threat.

80% of our choices are based on fear. Often times we don’t really choose what we want – we choose what we think is the safest. And that makes sense. One of the biggest human needs is a sense of certainty. But what if we trained our minds to see uncertainty as an ally? Perhaps it is really an opportunity for us to get closer to our dreams.

To overcome fear, you have to change how you look at uncertainty. In a previous post, I wrote about steps you can take to overcome feelings of uncertainty. You can check it out here.

When I was younger, I had a hard time understanding my worth. I naturally found myself in relationships where I wasn’t valued or respected by my partner. I didn’t realize it at the time, but because I didn’t understand my value, I was always negotiating my worth in these relationships. I shared my cautionary tale about this in a previous post.

When you don’t understand your value, you become overly focused on your partner and/or others, seeing and hearing you. For me, I had selected someone who really couldn’t hear or see me consistently. On occasion he would show signs of it, and when he did, I felt so much better, like he was finally seeing and hearing me. That inconsistent reward I felt, kept me chasing it from him and it continued the vicious cycle of me not understanding my worth.

When you understand what you bring to the table in any relationship, you aren’t afraid to eat alone. You know exactly what you have to offer and if someone else can’t see it, you don’t waste your time. You don’t chase it. You let them go because you realize that you are worthy of a love they are unable to provide.

If you don’t see your own worth, you’ll always choose people who don’t see it, either. Value who you are because who you are is amazing. Don’t lose sight of your worth.

I’ve written many posts about how we tend to put the things we really want to do off until a better time. But what really is a better time? And how do we know it’s the right time? The truth is, when it comes to our dreams, “someday” is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you.

In the movie Collateral, after Max (Jamie Foxx) tells Vincent (Tom Cruise) off, Vincent responds by telling Max that the dream he has for Island Limos was never going to happen anyway, because he didn’t pursue it. Max was waiting for everything to be perfect, and as a result his temporary time driving a cab, ended up being 12 years.

This is such a good example of how we can get stuck in living our day-to-day life, waiting until conditions, or timing is perfect for us to finally work on our dreams. Even though we know our time here is limited, we still fall into the trap of believing we will have enough time in the future. But the future is promised to no one, my friends. We have no idea when our time on this planet is up.

In a previous post, I talked about how it was only until I was diagnosed with cancer at a young age that the reality of my own mortality really hit me. But I was just more acutely aware of it because of my circumstances. Nothing had changed. Our time here was always limited. And for that reason…

We cannot afford to live in potential for the rest of our lives. At some point, we have to unleash our potential and make our move. Why? Because somebody, somewhere is depending on you to do what you have been called to do. The world needs who you were born to be. If you struggle with identifying your dreams, I wrote a post that asks you important questions that will help you discover your purpose. You can check it out here.

In season 1 of Breaking Bad, Skyler has caught her husband Walter, lying over many things. And as he’s attempting to do some damage control, he is talking to Skyler at the breakfast bar as he is busy cleaning up after breakfast in the kitchen. And he’s making up more lies to “reassure” her and ease her concerns that he is still lying to her and suggests going out and doing something together. When he looks up, Skyler is gone. He looks out the front door to see her in her car and leaving the house.

Obviously, Skyler had enough of Walt’s lies. The more he talked and tried to do damage control (which was cringe worthy – he is such a bad liar!) the more obvious it was that he was bullshitting his wife. And she just didn’t want to hear it anymore.

For me, the worst thing about someone bullshitting you is that they actually believe you will fall for it. And the truth is, many times I have. I tend to take people at face value. For example, if my husband tells me something or offers up an explanation for something, I tend to believe him right off the bat. I just assume that the people around me are showing up with integrity and being honest with me. But this mindset has come back to bite me in the butt more times than I can count.

There are more benign reasons for bullshit, though. Sometimes people are uncomfortable with silence, so they feel the need to say something, even if it doesn’t make sense or unnecessary. For example, I recently started following a YouTuber who is on a road trip. He and his wife are traveling to places we’d like to visit, so it’s interesting. But sometimes it feels unwatchable to me because the guy does not like when there is any silence while they are out exploring, and he feels the need to fill every moment of quiet with meaningless words or repeating observations he has already made.

Silence is far better than lies. And sometimes just letting the moment be what it is in silence can speak more than anything you could say.

Interestingly, we can see the power of silence in the animal kingdom and food chain. Songbirds are very vocal, as it is their way of communicating and most species tend to work together. Birds of prey, however, are a different story. They are solitary. A bird of prey will be vocal when selecting a mate, but more often than not, he asserts his dominance in silence, with aerial displays. As the saying goes, birds of prey do not sing.

There is power in silence. And remember that confidence is silent, and insecurities are loud.