Hawks are majestic creatures that can be ruthless with their prey. They scan their target from a perch or from the air and silently swoop in to catch them. They are incredibly smart, dedicated to getting what they need for survival and vicious when they need to be.
In a practical sense, what this means is when you have talent, you don’t have to shout it out to the world. You can be humble. Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud.
There is also something said for having the “soft touch” when dealing with others. In the workplace, it’s better to motivate your team with the carrot rather than the stick. You don’t have to be ruthless or show your talons every time.
I love learning about spycraft and the best spies know how to hide in plain sight. They have hidden their talons so well that they just blend in and appear ordinary. They have collected countless troves of valuable information, all while remaining unsuspicious. Perhaps he’s the geeky accountant and by all appearances, leads a boring life.
There were some awesome movies that came out in the 90’s. And that’s why another movie marathon list from an older decade has made its way onto to my self-care list.
Perhaps being a teenager in the 90’s allowed me to appreciate good writing or deeper plots to stories. And some movies that came out were just fun, like That Thing You Do! and You’ve Got Mail. This was definitely a time where I became a fan of storytelling on film in general. I became a huge fan of Tom Hanks who is like America’s dad, hahaha! But seriously, movies like The Usual Suspects and The Sixth Sense had incredible plot twists for the time. And Pulp Fiction was the first movie where I had experienced nonlinear storytelling. I remember watching it for the first time in a movie theater filled with kids I went to school with on a Friday night and us all going back the next day to watch it again. Some of these movies also had concepts that got us thinking about our existence here, like Gattaca or are we really living in The Matrix?
Here’s my list of my favorite movies from the 90’s in no particular order…I feel like I have left some out, so if you think of one that isn’t on the list, please let me know. What is your favorite movie from the 90’s?
Over time in any relationship, people become super comfortable with each other and stop showing each other the love, admiration and respect that they feel. This familiarity causes them to feel like their partner just knows that they love them. After a while couples stop connecting on an emotional intimate level and begin to focus on criticizing their partners, especially with small things. According to clinician and psychological researcher John Gottman, the number one factor that ends romantic relationships are expressions of contempt by partners. Partners who focus their energy on being critical towards their partner, actually end up missing 50% of the positive things their partner is doing and will see negative things that aren’t even there. This not only leads to a distorted view of what’s happening in the relationship, but it breeds feelings of contempt and resentment.
On the flipside, Gottman and his researchers have shown that kindness and emotional stability acts like a glue that bonds partners together. If you think of kindness and generosity as a muscle that can grow stronger through exercising it, your relationship can radically improve.
What does generosity look like in a healthy relationship?
Giving someone your time is the most valuable gift you can give. Being 100% present with them and being focused on what they are saying, rather than mumbling “uh-huhs” and going back to checking something on your phone can build connection, rather than weaken it.
Take time to appreciate your partner’s positive qualities and be generous with your compliments. I fall into this trap with my husband. He will do or say something that makes my heart smile, and I will forget to tell him about it. I have to be intentional because I truly want him to know how much I admire and respect him. And he often replies that he would have had no idea that I felt this way if I hadn’t mentioned it. So, take the time to give your partner positive feedback.
Don’t jump to conclusions about your partner’s intentions. It is so easy to assume that when your partner does something inconsiderate, it was intentional. Or if they are running late (my personal pet peeve) that they don’t value your time. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that your partner has good intentions.
Have you ever met someone and right off the bat, without even having said a word to each other, you can sense their disdain for you? How does that even happen?
We all have energy that we give off. Some people exist with diluted energy…Energy that has been watered down from their own insecurities, hurts, pains and suffering. Sometimes when they meet someone who has a balanced energy, they immediately bristle because that energy comes from a place that they lack and are starving for – peace and security.
This is literally an example of how someone else’s reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Don’t ever feel like you need to dim your light because your mere existence threatens or irritates someone else.
If you find yourself in this situation, remember the energy you carry around reminds them of their shortcomings, failures or things about themselves they don’t want to face. And that’s okay. Perhaps you were placed in their path so they could come to terms with these things inside themselves and grow from it.
What we believe about ourselves influence what we attract. As a matter of fact, our beliefs create a filter in which we see the world. If we believe that we aren’t worthy, our brains will seek out information or “evidence” to push through the filter that validates and confirms what we believe about ourselves. Our brains will purposely seek out people who confirm the negative (or positive) beliefs we have about ourselves.
For those of us who struggle with seeing our own worth, we often will seek constant reassurance from our partner. But ironically, we typically select a partner who has more of an avoidant attachment style.
Think of “attachment style” as a way of relating to others. It’s kind of like a blueprint we develop in early childhood on how to relate to other people, based on how what our relationship was like with our primary caregivers. We carry this blueprint along with us as adults.
There are four attachment styles:
1.) Secure: Feels confident in both their relationships and being alone and independent. Correctly prioritizes their needs and relationships and can draw clear boundaries and can stick to them.
2.) Anxious – Preoccupied: Feels a constant need for reassurance and affection from their partner. Being alone is intolerable and fears abandonment.
3.) Dismissive – Avoidant: Feels afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Usually deprioritizes romantic relationships.
4.) Fearful – Avoidant: Feels afraid of being close to others, but also is afraid of being too distant. They try to suppress their feelings, but their anxiety is so high that they often experience intense emotional responses.
Psychology Today does a fantastic job of breaking down how your attachment style can impact your relationship. You can read it here.
The good news is that it is never too late to create a secure attachment style. How we love people as adults can be healthier than how we learned to attach to others as children. Once you understand your attachment style, you can start to challenge and dismantle faulty beliefs that you may have about yourself and others. You can learn how you may be avoiding closeness with people and overcome it. Or you can develop a healthier interdependence on your relationship, that is mutual and balanced, rather than a unhealthy dependence.
If you feel like you fall into an anxious attachment style, below are some tips on how you can start to break some of the patterns:
Identify your own vulnerabilities in your relationships.
Work with a therapist who is educated about attachment theory in adult relationships. This will help you heal and work through the insecurities you are having.
Get to really know yourself and what kinds of things soothe you when you feel distressed.
Practice communicating your feelings clearly.
Learn how to identify your boundaries and express them clearly.
Be realistic and know that one person cannot possible met every need that you have all of the time.
Be mindful of jumping to conclusions about your partner or over-reacting. Learn to discern when your insecurities are influencing what has happened and try to stick to the facts rather than just going off your feelings.
Try to find a partner with a secure attachment style. Experts say that 50% of us have secure attachment styles. It is much easier to confront your own attachment style issues when in a relationship if you are with someone more neutral in their attachment style. There is more intensity and drama with people who are together when one is anxious and one is avoidant.
Video for If you don’t see your own worth, you’ll always choose people who don’t see it, either.
Often times we mistake our immediate struggles and adversities as our ultimate destination. We feel trapped, stuck where we are and have no idea that something significantly better is waiting for us on the other side.
Let’s be honest – humans don’t like change. We like to be comfortable. We like our “knowns”. Even if they are suboptimal, we take comfort in what we know.
Sometimes things fall apart for a reason. An old door needs to close before a new one can open. We have to fully let go of people and things for greater things to come into our lives. And we need to remember that our failures, struggles and life experiences prepare us for what is to come next. Just because we think our world is falling apart doesn’t mean that it is.
Think about your past struggles and all the adversity you have gone through and overcome. Think about how you have survived 100% of your bad days. How did it change you? What lessons did you learn that enabled you to grow and create a better life?
The truth is, we learn more from our hardships and failures than our success. What struggles have you overcome that helped create the amazing person that you are today?
Who we are is defined by our daily habits. It is what we do, not what we say we will do. I’ve fallen into the trap of planning out meal plans and exercise routines to lose weight, only to find myself deviating from my plan shortly thereafter. We all can sit down and write out our goals for the next few years and where we want to be, but unless we take daily, consistent action towards our goals, it’s simply just talk. It’s who we want to be rather than who we are.
You see, what’s holding you back is who you think you are not. How you become who you are meant to be is by getting over all your self-doubt, fears and inner criticisms that tell you all the reasons why you can’t be that person. You are your only limit.
I love to write. I’ve been out of practice for a while now. I started Daily Adage to get back into the swing of things, writing the things I love, like personal growth and self-improvement. Months before, I kept telling myself, “Yeah, I’m going to get back to writing because I love it” and time would just fly by without me writing a single word. And one day I just said, “Fuck it, I’m doing this” and got started. And worked a little on it every day. I want to be a writer, so I have to do it consistently.
When we look at people who have become successful, there is one commonality. They kept going when they felt like giving up and they were consistent with their efforts.
How do you start doing the things you want to do?
Make the choice that you want your life to be different and know your “why”. Map out everything you need to do to make it happen. Take action. Be flexible in your methods, but firm with your goals. Promise yourself that you won’t give up and if all 999 ideas you have fail, you will keep going anyways.
Even if you have to start small, start now. What can you do for an hour today that will help you become the person you want to be? Start now. A year from now you will wish you started today.
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